Jax wasn't answering my texts 

or my calls

and he wasn't there

every time I tried the doorbell.

Grace would answer

and give me an apologetic look

and say he wasn't there

and he didn't say where he was going.

It kept going on like this for a week and a half.

I texted and called until his voicemail filled up

and my texts stopped going through

and I went to his apartment every day after school

and even the weekends

and hung out with Grace when she wasn't working,

waiting for Jax to come.

I checked the park practically every day too

because I figured maybe he went there

and the place where we first met too,

in the bad part of town

even though that probably wasn't a good idea.

but he wasn't anywhere

and he wasn't answering 

and I didn't know what to do

and I had to keep trying

because it was Jax

and I guess going to youth group 

was something

that was equal to betrayal to him

because he hates God

after everything he'd been through.

I just

I didn't realize it would hurt him this bad

and when I said yes

I didn't know it was a big deal to him.

He would probably be 

even more angry with me

when he found out I went to church with them too

because even after everything I had been through

I was curious

because according to Shane, 

Daiha had went to church with him

week after week

learning about God

and Jesus

and the bible

and I don't know

I want to know why she wanted to know more.

I want to know more about Daiha.

Nothing has changed with her.

She's still just laying there

in her hospital bed

with a machine breathing for her.

It's been over a month now

and our house has yet to be even remotely fixed

and we're stuck in the small apartment

but somehow

I'm okay with it

because I don't want to go back to that house 

with the awful memories.

My parents have been trying 

to get me to talk to them

but I don't want to 

not after everything they've done

after never ever being there.

I try to stay out of the apartment

as much as possible

because when they're not trying to talk to me

they're fighting over every little thing

and I know Mom ends up in tears

and Dad gets so frustrated

that he locks himself in the bedroom.

At least now I know

that they aren't robots

with no emotions

because that's how it feels most of the time

and it makes me want to scream

to shake some sense into them

anything.

The only good thing

was that I was getting good grades

and doing a lot better in school

than I usually do

because when I wasn't looking for Jax

or avoiding my parents

I was doing school work

and studying.

Grace was really smart

and was pretty much tutoring me 

in everything

preparing me for exams that would start next week

and when I visited Daiha

I found myself finishing study guides and practice work

and then talking to her

until one of my parents showed up.

I would leave then..

I was thinking about all of this

while swinging on the swings

at the park

because it was Saturday

I already finished studying for the day

Grace was working

my parents were home

and I had nothing better to do.

I was trying not to think about the fact

that Shane, Ingrid, Emmie, and Grace

were all graduating next Saturday,

leaving me behind..

leaving Daiha behind..

how could Daiha graduate 

if she was in a coma?

and if she woke up

would they even let her graduate?

I wasn't sure at all.

Macey barking and whining

brought me out of my thoughts

and I looked down to where her leash

was tied to the pole of the swing set 

to find a pair of black shoes

attached to two legs in grey sweats

attached to a torso with a black t-shirt

attached to two arms covered in an unzipped sweatshirt with no sleeves

attached to a neck 

attached to a familiar angular face

with jutting cheek bones

and crystal blue eyes

and longish blonde hair...

"Jax"

I breathed out,

biting my lip as he ignored me slightly,

and bent down to pet an excited Macey

who had grown a lot.

I dragged my feet in the wood chips

and stopped myself from swinging

unable to move

unable to think

unable to do anything

but stare at the boy

who had been avoiding me for what felt like forever.

when he sat in the swing next to mine

I stopped breathing altogether

afraid that this wasn't real

that it was a dream

and that Jax wasn't really sitting on the swing next to me...

"we're always so serious"

he said,

not looking at me,

watching Macey as she dug in the wood chips.

I wasn't sure where he was going with this

so I didn't say anything in response,

and just kind of waited for him to say more

for something to happen.

Then,

he jumped off his swing

and went behind me

and started pushing me on the swing.

I wasn't expecting it

so I half screamed

and then I kind of laughed

because he didn't seem mad at me

and he was being weird 

and it made me smile.

Then he started swinging on the swing next to me

pushing himself as high as he could go

and then he started screaming

"WHY IS EVERYONE SO SERIOUS ALL OF THE TIME!?"

"WHY CAN'T EVERYONE STOP JUDGING EVERYONE?!"

"WHY CAN'T EVERYONE BE HAPPY?"

"WHY ISN'T FOOD FREE?"

"I WANT ICE CREAM AND TO TRAVEL THE WORLD AND PLAY THE PIANO"

"LIFE SUCKS AND DOESN'T AT THE SAME TIME

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT EVEN HAPPENS"

and I was smiling

because he was shouting at the top of his lungs

and people were staring

but I didn't care,

and I found myself joining in on the shouting

"WHY CAN'T I JUST SWING ALL DAY INSTEAD OF GOING TO SCHOOL?"

"WHY CAN'T WE HAVE SUPER POWERS?"

"WHY ISN'T TIME TRAVEL A THING?"

"WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME?"

"WHY DOESN'T GOD WAKE DAIHA UP?"

"WHY DID GOD TAKE BECK AWAY?"

and then we both stopped 

because we somehow started being serious again

and people were staring

and I think we both didn't want to think about the serious

because that's all we ever thought about.

"i'm sorry" 

I whispered to Jax

because of going to youth group and church

because his life sucked

and so did mine

and nothing was fair

and for some reason

we always seemed to be serious

and couldn't smile or breathe or have fun.

Then Jax's hand was in mine.

"me too..

I'm sorry for getting so mad...

it's just

after everything I said 

and then youth group

and I wasn't steady and just

I don't know."

neither of us knew.

and we were quiet then

not saying another word.

but we didn't have to,

because we already said enough

and we were holding hands

and life was sucky

but his hand was in mine

and for some reason 

that made everything just a little bit better.

____________________________

A/N

hey guys so I kinda went missing for a few weeks and I sincerely apologize for that! I had band camp for the past two weeks which meant social interaction... which was draining. But I'm back! unfortunately, since school starts in a week, updates will be less frequent, and only on weekends. I will try to keep you guys updated! thanks for everything!

comment your thoughts<3

xoxo

Kim