phil

There's something wrong with Phil.

And that something is Dan Howell. Phil usually couldn't care less about anyone. For some reason, Phil felt nothing but anger and disgust towards others, no matter who they were - even his own parents. Phil apparently suffers from bipolar, but he doesn't think that, all he ever feels is angry.

But Dan, yes, he pissed Phil off but there was something else about him which made Phil feel almost drawn towards him. He doesn't know how to explain it, he just feels a sort of tug when he looks into Dan's eyes.

Dan looks at Phil like he is a miracle, like he is more than the school's tough guy, and Phil can't seem to figure out why. Dan Howell was so weird, he never seemed to look anyone except Phil in the eyes, and he seemed to spend his time looking away from everyone's faces - again, except for Phil.

He doesn't understand why this one guy suddenly makes Phil feel like more. It was as if the mere presence of that guy was slowly restoring Phil's lost emotions.

"Hey Phil," Chris, Phil's one and only real friend, greets him as he walks into school.

"Hey Chris," Phil replies vacantly, falling into step beside him and they flop down together at a shaded table, Chris getting out a sandwich to eat - he was always hungry.

Phil's gaze slowly scans around the school yard, a couple of kids cringing when they make eye contact with Phil's own icy gaze. He stops when he finds Dan, sitting with his friends who were the popular kids. A couple were from his own grade, but majority of them were from the grade below - Dan's own grade.

Dan is smiling, laughing at something along with everyone else. Phil can't remember the last time he laughed, or felt happy. He didn't have mood swings because he simply didn't have varying moods. He just felt angry and down all the time. Even his parents had given up on him - they avoided and feared him, despite their denial.

"Staring at the new kid are we?" Chris teases, his mouth full of sandwich, and one piece flies onto Phil's nose.

"No," Phil snaps, wiping the mushed up food off his nose and flicking it onto the ground, wiping his hand on his jeans, "and don't talk with your mouth full, it's disgusting."

"It's what I do man," Chris says, swallowing his food before laughing lightly, "you love getting my food on your face. It's good for your skin!"

"Haha," Phil says sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Chris has been Phil's best and only real friend since their first day at school together. Chris is the only one who puts up with Phil's constant mood and who's consistently there for him. He's the only one who Phil genuinely cares about in return, even if he does accidentally spit food on Phil all the time.

A few minutes later, the bell rings just as Chris is shoving the last of his sandwich in his mouth. He grins, once again having perfect timing with his food - bell schedule.

"Well, I have legal studies first, so I'll see you next period in math," Chris says, nudging Phil as he stands up, "don't have too much fun without me."

Phil rolls his eyes and watches as Chris walks off, disappearing into the crowd of students trying to get to class on time. Phil takes his own time standing up, swinging his bag onto his back.

He waits until majority of the kids have disappeared off to class and now the only people left are the reluctant ones, like Phil, or the ones running late. Phil sighs, finally deciding to head to English class. Dan has long disappeared so he's probably taken the priority seat up the back.

Phil walks into English ten minutes late, which the teacher turns a blind eye to, and flops down in the seat beside Dan with a sigh, dumping his books on the table.

Dan is leaning against the wall, his eyes closed, the sun from the window tinting his hair a lighter shade. Phil frowns when he notices his overly pale face, the dark bags under his eyes and the way the life seems to be sucked out of him. Some part deep inside Phil's heart, which he thought was non existent, is aching at the sight of Dan looking so... Deflated.

Phil doesn't know why, but some part of him feels drawn to Dan, connected in a sense. He can't explain it, but he just feels different around Dan, in a good way, and he doesn't know why.

"Psst, Danielle, it's time for school," Phil whispers, poking Dan on his cheek, quite hard.

"Ow, what was that for?" Dan asks, pouting as he rubs his sore cheek, "I wasn't asleep, I was just concentrating."

"What, on getting to sleep?" Phil scoffs.

"No. You know, you should try closing your eyes and just using your other senses for once. We rely on our sight so much, but when you close your eyes and just feel, everything is suddenly enhanced," Dan says, raising an eyebrow at Phil, "the world's a lovely place when you're not blinded by the people on it."

"Yeah, whatever, I didn't need your hippie rant," Phil snaps, rolling his eyes at Dan, "maybe your name is actually like Dandelion or something."

"Nah, it's just Dan Philadelphia," Dan says.

"Don't call me Philadelphia," Phil snaps angrily.

"Why not?" Dan asks, smiling at Phil cheekily, his dimples appearing on his cheeks.

"Because that's not my name."

"That's not my name! They call you Philly, that's not your name, they call you Phildog, that's not your name-" Dan starts singing, but Phil cuts him off by punching him on the arm.

"Ouch," Dan says, scowling and rubbing his arm.

"You'll get over it."

"Why are you always so rude?" Dan asks, frowning at Phil, who's tracing a tattoo on his forearm, "why can't you ever be nice to anyone?"

"Because, I just am okay," Phil replies, rolling his eyes yet again at Dan - the kid was just annoying him now.

"Well you shouldn't be," Dan says knowingly, raising an eyebrow at Phil, "you could have a kind face, but your eyes are so cold they'd freeze anyone with just one glare."

"Why don't you freeze then?" Phil asks.

"Because I'm immune," Dan says, "I look past the cold exterior."

"You're just plain weird."

"It's a good thing to be weird."

"That's even weirder."

Dan just shrugs, turning back to the front and picking up his pen. Phil watches sneakily as Dan flips to the back page of his book and starts writing something, but Phil can't read it, he's left handed to his arm is in the way.

Phil sighs, turning to the front. He hates everything, he hates basically everyone except Chris, he just hates the world, and for no apparent reason.

That was, until Dan came along, and somehow, bought Phil back his heart which was missing all those years.

***

dan

Dan tries his best to ignore Phil's presence behind him as he walks home from school.

He shoves his hands in his pockets, walking a tad faster, turning the volume of his music up even louder, possibly damaging his ears but it's worth it.

He is listening to Troye Sivan, who funnily enough, is one of his friends. He met Troye before his singing career took off and they've been friends for around four years. Troye knows about his condition and was more fascinated than turned away, and he's definitely Dan's closest friend, even though he rarely sees him.

"What are you listening to?" Phil asks suddenly, falling into step beside Dan and taking out an earphone, "I can almost hear it from here."

"Well I like having my music loud," Dan says, shrugging.

"So you want to be deaf soon?" Phil teases, placing the stolen earphone in his own ear, nodding his head to the beat while they continue walking.

Dan tries not to notice how close they are, or how Phil's amazing, icy blue eyes seem to have a small shine hidden within them. He still can't get over Phil's face. He has tried to get to know Phil more, and it seems to be working. Phil is melting around the edges, and is suddenly being friendly to Dan now...

Dan pulls his thoughts away and focuses on the song, letting the lyrics and beat fill him - he's always loved Troye voice.

'tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease.'

"What makes you feel at ease Dan?" Phil asks, turning to Dan as they turn into their street, continuing down the path.

"Uh, I dunno, cloud or star gazing," Dan answers, blushing slightly, "music, art..."

"Drinking perchance?" Phil suggests, raising his eyebrows suggestively at Dan.

And this time, it's Dan's turn to become pissed off at Phil. He pulls his earphones out of both his and Phil's ear and shoots his coldest glare at Phil.

"You know what? Stay out of my business," Dan snaps angrily, "what I do is entirely between me, myself and I."

He then turns away and stomps the rest of the way to his house, walking inside and slamming the door behind him, abandoning a confused and slightly guilt Phil out on the street.

Dan goes to walk to the kitchen, but stops when he hears quiet but harsh voices.

"We agreed on tonight!" His mother hisses angrily.

"Well things change! Work came up, there's been a major setback we and afford!" His dad shoots back.

Dan slows and presses his ear against the wall, where his parents are on the other side in the dining room. He waits, just listening to the argument.

"All that you care about is work!"

"That's all you care about as well!"

They're yelling now, loudly and angrily. Dan feels himself internally curl up into a ball and he briefly wonders if Phil can hear the fight.

"But I asked for the afternoon off work so we could have a nice family dinner for once!"

"And then you'd skip off to work at six thirty for a few hours after complaining about me working all the time!"

"Well at least I try."

"I try as well! What I'm working on us going to benefit the whole city. Look I'm sorry can't we just have dinner tomorrow night?"

"No."

"Oh let me guess, you're working?"

"Oh shut it. You haven't even given a shit about our family for as long as I can remember!"

"I do so! I support Dan."

"You do not you liar!"

Dan pulls away from the wall, backing away before turning and bolting upstairs. He locks his bedroom door behind him before he throws himself onto his bed, feeling everything inside of him just crumble down. He feels so miserable, he can feel the pieces of him tearing apart inside.

So he opens his drawer, digging to the bottom where he hid a bottle of vodka and takes a swig of the bottle. After a few mouthfuls, he places the bottle back and lies directly on his floor, staring at the ceiling.

Each time he blinks, his world turns a little less focused, his mind starts to slow, to stop thinking. Dan closes his eyes, breathing softly and with his sight gone, his world is dark and empty. He reaches over and plugs in earphones, playing music loudly until the constant arguing of his parents is completely overridden by music.

He sighs contently, his eyes sliding shut and his brain turning numb from the alcohol flowing inside of him.

Ignorance really is bliss.

***

On Saturday, Dan is glad he has an excuse to escape his home.

He's going to the cinemas with his friends today, so he doesn't have to worry about his parents fighting. Not that they'd be there anyway.

At ten, Dan gets out if bed and heads to the shower. Pj is picking him up at ten thirty so he has to hurry. After his shower, he pulls on black jeans and a black shirt and quickly pours a bowl of cereal downstairs.

"Hey Dan!" Pj says ten minutes later when Dan opens the door to him.

"Hey Pj," Dan replies, avoiding the blur of his face, "lets go then?"

"Yep," He says, leading Dan to his small, silver car, "ready to watch Pixels?"

They'd decided on that movie after half of them insisted that they didn't want to watch The Visit as it looked too scary.

"Yeah," Dan nods, getting into the passenger seat and Pj starts driving towards the cinemas.

When they arrive, the group is already there waiting for them. Although Dan is happy to be with people who are nice to him and who are his friends, he can't help but miss Phil's face in this sea of blurred ones.

Even the faces in the movie are blurred for him. He can see the game character's faces, just not human ones. And after seeing Phil's face, now his world of blurred faces suddenly doesn't seem normal, he wants his blurry face to fuck off so he can see all faces.

But of course, that's never going to happen. Dan sighs softly in the dark cinema, looking around at the people beside him who've been nothing but nice to him. But for some reason, he wants Phil here even though he's mad at him.

Phil asked Dan what makes him feel at ease, and Dan has discovered that Phil himself does in a small way.

************

an// hey hope you enjoyed! Sorry it's a tad late but I didn't realise the votes and comments had even reached lol.

20 votes and 15 comments for the next chapter?

Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and the story so far. :D