{ spring 2014 }

Have you ever been told that you were never good enough? That no matter how much you tried or how hard you worked, in the end, all of your efforts would only be in vain because you'll never account for anything in life that is of worth? Because you are of no worth? I have. Growing up, I was always told that I was never good enough.

Always reminded about how I'm stupid, useless, ugly, fat and the list doesn't even seem to come to end there either. I've never felt like I could fit in anywhere. That there was never a place where I could truly be myself, without the fear of being judged lingering in the back of my mind. Not even at home, the one place where I was supposed to feel safe and secure.

Home. What does that word even mean? Because as overly-dramatic as this may sound, home to me seems to be just another word for hell. Home is supposed to be, sort of like, a safe haven to people. A place where one is able to obtain and find warmth. But I rarely felt anything like that. All I was ever welcomed with was coldness. The constant reminder that I was nothing but a mere responsibility. Just like chores or taxes. Or even worse, that I was just a mistake. An accident that was never meant to happen. I'm supposed to be able to receive endless comfort when I enter that barricade separating my private life from the outside world, but I simply don't.

How am I supposed to experience such an enticing sensation of actually feeling wanted when they're the ones tearing me down. How could I feel safe and secure when I'm trapped with those who frighten and terrorize me? They're supposed to love me unconditionally. Support me with whatever decision I choose to make, whether they be good or bad. They're supposed to be my family but I guess that word is nothing but a title to them. It has no real meaning in our household so I suppose I was wrong. It's funny (in a cynical and sardonic kind of way) how fucked up this all is.

Typically, kids get bullied or harassed at school by mere strangers they hardly know and flee towards home, seeking comfort and words of encouragement but not me. For me, it's actually quite the opposite. I get abused verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically at home and find refuge at school. Ironic, isn't it? But I'm sure I'm not the first to do so, nor will I be the last. No, I don't end up with two black eyes, a broken arm or slits decorating my wrists but it still hurts. The results are still the same. Because whether I'm dead or alive, I will always appear too inadequate for them.

Over the years, all the constant reminders about how insufficient and undeserving I am have gotten to me. It has even gotten to the point where I, myself, have started to believe in everything they say. Pathetic, I know. It has reached the point of no return where the truths are transformed into lies and the lies are established as truths. Twisted and sick are the words I think you're looking for and I don't blame you.

Sometimes, I wonder what a miracle it is that I've been able to remain sane after all of this shit. And exactly how did I manage it all? As cliché and gagging as it may sound, all I needed was a headstrong personality, a few supportive friends (whom I know would never abandon me in my times of adversity) and a bright and bold smile. But do you know what really lays behind that smile?

Pain, tears, heartaches, hardships and the idea that I will never be enough for them. Good enough for anyone.

- - - - -

"Come on, I want you to meet some people." I latch my hand onto his, eager to officially acquaint the guy (I thought I was crazy about) to the people, who are pretty important to me. Keyword thought. An exuberant and naive smile is painted across my face as I begin tugging him in their direction. However, I barely take more than five steps when he suddenly yanks away from my fingers. I glance back only to have him frown disapprovingly at me.

"I have feet, too, you know. I can walk by myself." His tone is sharp and piercing; he is clearly agitated and, if my instincts are accurate, annoyed.

I am stunned, needless to say. My expression falters and dims slightly but it must have not been enough for him to take notice of the shift. Or is it perhaps because the action itself simply isn't important enough for him to care about? I try to conceal my disdain as I numbly nod in comprehension. I guess he is right. He could walk by himself; what was I thinking? Oh right, that I wanted to hold hands with my boyfriend.

The boy who claims he loves me with every fiber of his being. I don't bother meeting his gaze anymore as I turn back around and continue to the children's section of the bookstore. I could hear him behind me and all that escapes my lips is an inaudible sigh, when it should have been an infuriated outburst, reprimanding him for his foul and unwanted attitude.

I mean honestly though, did he have to act like such an ass, especially when we are supposed to be celebrating my sixteenth birthday? "Hey, Rory! Over here." Natalie shouts as she waves us over. Again, I find myself plastering on a smile as if everything is okay.

"Hey, guys!" I greet back, not as enthusiastic as I should have been.

"Happy Birthday, Rory! Even though it was, like, two days ago and I said it to you in school already." Her excitement decreases quickly though as she puts on a thoughtful expression, probably questioning her redundant actions. "Along with the text and post on your Facebook wall." Daniella laughs awkwardly as she rubs the nape of her neck. This time, I smile wholeheartedly and chuckle.

"It shows how much you love me that's all," I reason in a teasing manner.

Daniella seems to like my explanation as her arm falls back to her side while she nods in agreement. Then I see her eyes wander behind me and the corners of her lips curl downwards as she glances away. I know what—no who—she is looking at and at that moment, I feel a pang of guilt infiltrating my conscious. Was it inconsiderate of me to have invited him when she was this uncomfortable? Yes. The answer is obvious. I know Daniella said it was okay for me and Liam to date and all, but as I watch the scene unravel before my eyes, I realize that her words had been hollow.

She hadn't really meant it yet I was still dumb enough to believe that she did. This situation now is all the proof I need to recognize I did her wrong. I mean, he was her first boyfriend and firsts were never easy to forget. I'm selfish but I'm human. In today's capitalist world, who isn't selfish? Ah right, Daniella isn't but then again, I'm not her. I couldn't help but look at Liam and when I do, there is that stuttering again.

Yes, it is uncharitable and acquisitive of me to date my friend's ex-boyfriend but I feel he is worth it. After all, I did meet him first. Besides, they only went out for two weeks tops. He couldn't have had that much of a hold on her, could he? No matter what reason I tried using in order to justify my actions, the bitter feeling wouldn't go away. I am a traitor; whatever happened to the girls' code? Or the teaching, chicks before dicks (one I didn't really often refer to but it seemed fitting for this occasion). I suppose love makes you do crazy things. At least that's what I forced myself to believe.

"Aren't you going to introduce us?" Chris questions with a quirked brow. He's like a little brother to me. No, he isn't younger than me. We are the same age. I just call him my little brother because well, he is pretty short. Like really short, barely breaking four feet and eight.

I am snapped out of my thoughts as I blink. "Oh yeah. Everyone, this is Liam." To my surprise, he waves and smiles. Even though he did it lazily, it is enough for me. "And Liam, this is Natalie, Chris and..." I pause, not really sure if I should say her name because they already knew each other but then I decide to. "Daniella."

"Cool," Liam says as his eyes scan the shop. "Where's Tim?"

"I'm here!" A familiar voice hollers. We all swivel our heads to the right where the last guest stumbles in wearing his Nike backpack. I don't have to check it to know it carries his equipment for soccer. I think he has practice later in the evening and chose to pack beforehand to make things easier for himself. "What's up, man? I see you made it." The two of them exchange a one handed hug thing most guys do and I realize how much happier Liam is as he chats with Tim.

I frown a little when the two of them begin to walk away, forgetting about the rest of us. Forgetting about me. I look at my three friends then back at my current boyfriend conversing so amicably with my ex-boyfriend. What kind of blasphemy is this? Is Liam seriously ditching me right now for Tim? Like they say, karma's a bitch.

I start to wonder if the real reason Liam chose to come today is to hang out with his, how did they say it again? Oh yeah, to hang out with one of his bros. I don't want to believe it. I want to believe he is here for me and only me but disappointments never failed to find Rory Whitaker.

As the movie starts playing, Natalie, Daniella and Chris decide that they want to sit up closer to the massive screen. I don't want to separate from them but Liam doesn't seem keen on moving. Because I want to spend more time with him (since this is the first time we get to hang out outside of the indoor track), I decide to stay. With a heavy heart, my eyes trail the three dark silhouettes as they descend down below. Unconsciously, my mouth releases another sigh. Is this the right choice? I steal a glimpse of Liam who is seated in between me and Tim. I guess it's better than having me sit in the middle.

The movie begins playing and to be honest, I am enjoying it. Action movies, along with thrillers, are my favorites. What can I say? I'm a movie junkie. As the scene continues rolling, questions about the characters and plotline surface in my mind. I take mental notes of them. When I'm curious or observant of something, I always speak up and that's what I do. "Why do you think they're all wearing those hats?" I whisper to Liam. My eyes never leave the screen and when he doesn't answer, I ask another question. "Do you think they'll end up together?" And this time I do receive a response.

It is a, "shhhh." For a moment, I think I misheard him and shake it off. It must have been another customer, but then again I was never a good liar.

I turn his way and say, "I really like this movie so far." I am being genuine when I say this but another part of me is aware that me making such a trivial and pointless statement is just a test. A test to see how he'd react and to my dismay, the reaction I got is not one I fancied.

"Can you be quiet? I'm trying to watch here," he hisses quietly before averting his focus back to the movie. My jaw nearly breaks off and I am beyond speechless. Shifting back forward, my eyes fall onto the three seats I had seen my friends plop down into earlier. I could see their shadows from where I sit, whispering to each other and I hate myself for not leaving with them.

I bet they wouldn't have shushed me like how he shunned me. He made me feel like a nuisance and a burden and for the remainder of the film, my interest is no longer there. All I want to do is to get out and enjoy the rest of this day which is supposed to be a celebration and luckily for me, the movie is drawing to a conclusion.

As we all take the escalator down and enter the food-court, I am reunited with my three companions and I am more than glad to be. There isn't much for us to do and although it isn't all that special as I thought it would be, I'm still thankful to get to spend a day with the people I love.

We end up returning to the bookstore earlier than expected, where we wait for our rides to pick us up. Liam hasn't bothered talking to me since the movie incident. I bet it's because he is too occupied with Tim, most likely talking about the upcoming outdoor track and field season or something along those lines. But that doesn't stop my eyes from scoping around for him. Tim had left a few minutes ago and I'm sure Liam is alone now. Then I spot him standing a few yards away from the exit.

"Hey, I'm going to wait with Liam. I'll be back, okay?" I assure and they all nod. I don't know if I'm supposed to be jealous or not as I approach him. He spent more time with Tim than he did with me and I admit there is a sour feeling forming in the pit of my stomach. Liam is leaned against the railings where he has the perfect view of outside through the glass doors. His hands are dangling over the edge and I guess he hasn't realized my presence until I am stationed besides him, mimicking his actions. "Thanks for coming," I gratify.

"No problem," is his nonchalant reply. There is this awkward silence between us and my eyebrows furrow and meet in the middle. Why is he like this? Through the countless of text messages we've exchanged, he sounded like a completely different person. He was sweet, kind, romantic but the boy in front of me... He is the exact opposite. I don't say anything and stare straight ahead. To my surprise, he initiates the conversation. "Hey, Rory?"

The way my name slips from his lips sounds melodic and enchanting. I forget about how awful he had treated me hours ago. I start to think that maybe there is hope until he resumes. "Can you not wait with me? I don't want my mom to see you. If she does, she'll get on my case." And then the harsh reality slams into me as another painful slash etches itself onto my heart. He doesn't even bother to glance my way when he utters those cruel words. They're right. I'm good enough, not even for him.

- - -

Author's Thoughts: For my lovely readers who have known this story since it was posted on AFF, I would like to tell you that it will no longer be a fanfiction. I hope that's okay, and you guys will still support me :)