Lizzie

It's ten thirty by the time I get in. Brandon dropped me off, but I'm not tired enough to sleep yet. I write in my journal instead, lying on my stomach with my feet in the air with some of my favourite tracks playing on Spotify. At the moment I am into Drake, Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran.

As it plays, The Shape of You, I imagine it's written by Brandon for me. How ridiculous is that? I mean, like, that could even be possible. Sometimes, I am just so pathetic that it kills me. I focus my thoughts onto my journal.

When Brandon sat next to me at Tobe's, my heart was in my throat and my mouth was so dry, it's how I imagine a desert to be. Dry and barren, starved of water. His closeness made me go all weird, like my legs felt weak and my heart was racing. I wanted to put my hand over it to stop it. I wonder if he noticed. His breath as he whispered in my ear that he was looking forward to prom night smelt of peppermint from the gum he had been chewing. But the words, I am looking forward to prom night. Should I read something into that? Do you think he means, specifically because he will be going with me? Or maybe because it means he can find a hookup, because for sure all the damn girls will want to be hanging off his arm, dancing with him and be the one who gets to go in his truck with him?

You know what, that makes me feel sick and angry both at the same time. All these conflicting emotions are pissing me off; I hate it, like hate it so fucking much. I wish I didn't have this crush on him; I wish my heart didn't feel like it was going to literally stop every time he got close to me. All I want to do is be in his arms, feel his lips kissing me and his hands stroking my skin. I want Brandon so badly it physically hurts. Have you ever felt like that? It's almost what I imagine a junkie to be like, they need to have their fix. Well, that's how I feel about Brandon; he's like a human drug that my body is craving so badly I think I'm going insane not being able to feel him. I don't want anybody else, it's useless since I can't imagine ever being with anyone except Brandon. What if he ditches me at prom like Lilly and Tammy think he will, and goes off with another girl? What am I going to do? It'll kill me, I'll feel like dying.

The track changes to All Too Well by Taylor Swift. It tears at my heart to hear her voice so poignant with the lyrics. It makes me feel melancholy just listening to her.

"You still got the light on in there?" My dad says, I know for a fact he is literally outside my door and knows because he'd be able to see it from the bottom of the door.

"Nearly done. Journaling."

"Not too late, Lizzie. It's a big shopping day for you tomorrow. Are you excited?" Why doesn't he just come in already?

"Kind of, Pop. It'll be fun shopping for my prom dress with the girls."

"Night, sweetheart."

"Night, Dad, love you."

"Love you too, honey drop." I hear his footsteps as he walks away.

Prom. Prom. Prom. It's all I have been hearing about for weeks, months. It drives me insane. And am I excited? Not sure to be perfectly honest.

On the one hand, absolutely, because I'll get to go on Brandon's arm and feel him by my side. I bet he's going to look amazing in his tuxedo but then on the flip side, I am worried he'll ditch me and go off to satisfy his dick. He's such a player, although I can't think of the last time he went off with a girl. Strange.

I'm done with my journal for tonight; it's getting to eleven, and I'm tired. The game was exciting today, but it left me drained with all the emotion thinking about us all disbanding in the next six weeks. Me earlier, as I go to Texas halfway through summer break since my folks want to get me settled in to the house they've rented me for uni and also Mom wants to catch up with some friends who own a ranch in the south. It'll be fun; I will get to meet up with LeAnn, the daughter and her sister, Summer. Only... it'll take me away from Brandon so much sooner.

With my heart feeling like it has slipped out of my own body, I close my journal, pull the duvet down and clamber inside the bed and cover myself up. I flick the switch on my bedside lamp and lay with my head on the pillows, knowing full well, it's going to be another night I don't get any sleep.

Another night my heart will ache throughout, a sense of loss that comes with knowing that I'll be losing my bestie unless I am brave enough to do something about it.

I have to do something, and it has to be at prom; otherwise, I'll lose him, and I can't take that.