Songs for this chapter are:

North- Sleeping at Last

Raining in Paris- The Maine

Visions- The Maine

Haywire- Bootstraps

Lost Without You- Adam Jensen

(So many of you wanted the last chapter from Hardin's POV, so here it is! There is new stuff at the end too though, and if you have time, read my authors note please, (it's long but I love you! lol)

Hardin's POV.

As Ken falls asleep in his chair next to the television, I can practically hear his mind gushing over seeing me walk during graduation. He will get to do some shit speech, bore a few people, me included, to sleep, and then he will get to watch me prance across the damn stage.

Tessa is leaning against the frame of the dining room wall. I only came into the living room because I was in the way of the cleaning up part of dinner. My least favorite part of course. Tessa is staring at Landon and Stacey and now she just turned to look at me. She's a little surprised that I'm looking at her, I'm not sure why. When am I not looking at her?

The troubled look on her face has me on my feet in seconds and I cross the living room to stand in front of her.

"What is it?" I ask her.

"I need to talk to you about something," Tessa quietly responds.

"Okay, what is it?" I lean my body into hers, cornering her against the wall. She gasps under her breath and I lean a few inches closer. I love the way she reacts to me, even now. Tessa coughs and then coughs again and again. She raises her hand to cover her mouth and I leave her to get a glass of water. Karen is moving around the kitchen, as usual, and I reach around her to fill the glass with water.

"What is going on? Your mind is moving a mile a minute. I can tell," I press for her to speak now that's she gulped down the entire glass of water. I can see it, some thought, some damn problem, floating around in her head, making her nervous and break into a coughing fit.

"Can we go outside to talk?" Tessa asks as she leads the way through the kitchen and out to the deck. I gently reach for her hand, wrapping my fingers around hers, and smile when she doesn't pull away.

"Spill." I encourage her. She's standing awkwardly near the door and I sit down at the table. I place my hand on hers when she starts to fidget, moving her hands up and down like a maniac, finally resting them on the tabletop.

"Relax," I try to soothe her nerves, even if only by a fraction. I'm getting more and more anxious as the seconds of silence fill the air between us. I don't like seeing her this nervous, it freaks me the fuck out.

"I have been keeping something from you and it's driving me insane. I  need to tell you now and I know this isn't the time but you have to know before you find out another way," her words are rushed, frantic really.

"What did you do?" I try to remain as calm as possible as my mind starts going fucking haywire.

"Nothing, nothing like what you are assuming."

"You haven't..you weren't.. with anyone else, were you?" I know better than to ask but I just can't seem to stop the words and the paranoia inside of my mind.

"No!" Tessa shakes her head.  "No, nothing like that. I've just made a decision about something and I've kept it from you. It doesn't involve me being with anyone else."

"Okay, it couldn't be that bad then." I rub my neck to ease some of the tension there. Nothing could be as bad as her being with another man. Nothing.

"Well," she begins.

It's the way she says the word, something in the way she hesitates to begin, that makes me jump in. 

"Wait, how about before you tell me what it is, you tell me why." This seems better, starting with the why seems to make more sense than just jumping knee deep into this shit.

Either I'm learning some communication skills or I'm a damn coward, either way I want to know why she did whatever the hell she did.

"Why what?" She questions.

"Why you made whatever choice you're pissing yourself over." I try to explain.

"Okay," she nods.

Her eyes focus and settle on my mouth. Out of pure reflex, I begin to chew on my bottom lip as she studies me. She looks at my eyes briefly before landing on one of my eyebrows. What is she doing? Is she thinking about my rings? I sort of hope so, why else would she be staring like this?

"Care to share?" I tease her, leaning closer to cloud her mind.

"Yes," she smiles. "Well, I made the decision because we need time apart and it seemed like the only way to be sure that actually happens."

"Time apart huh?"

Time apart? This shit again?

This shouldn't be too hard then. I already plan on going to Seattle. Problem solved.

"Yes, time apart. Everything is such a mess between us and I needed to put distance between us, really this time. I know we say that all the time, we do this little song and dance around everything and we drive back and forth from Seattle to Pullman and now London was involved, we are basically spreading our mess of a relationship across the globe." She looks away.

Our mess of a relationship?

"Is it really that much of a mess?"

"We fight more than we get along,"

"That isn't true." The air is thick now, suffocating me, it seems. "Technically and literally, that isn't true, Tess. It may feel that way but when you think back over all the bullshit we've gone through, we've spent more time laughing and talking, reading, teasing, and in bed of course."

"We solve everything with sex and that's not healthy." Here we go.

"Sex isn't healthy?" I ask her. What the hell does she mean sex isn't a healthy way to solve our problems? If more people solved their damn problems with sex, the world would be a happier, possibly overpopulated, place.

"We are having consensual sex, sex full of love and full of fucking trust, yeah it also doubles and amazing, mind-blowing fucking sex, but don't forget why we do it. I don't fuck you just to get off, I do it because I love you and I love the trust you place in me when you allow me to touch you in that way." I try to explain myself to her. This is absurd, absolutely fucking crazy that she seems a problem with our sexual relationship.

"Have you ever looked into the signs of an abusive relationship?"

My world stops spinning.

Overdramatic, yes, but fucking true.

"Abusive?" You find me abusive? I've never laid a hand on you and I never would." I try to hide the pain in my voice at her accusation.

"No, that's not what I meant." She backtracks. "I was referring to both of us and the way we do things to purposely hurt each other. I wasn't accusing you of being physically abusive."

"Okay, so this is obviously much more than some stupid decision to move across the state or something." Where is she going with this and more importantly, how the hell do I stop her?

I agree, we haven't had the easiest relationship. I've made mistake after mistake and I could have done a lot of shit differently, but I would never abuse her. If she sees me or our relationship in this way, there really is no hope for us.

"I'm going to ask you something and I want your real honest answer, no bullshit, no thinking about it, just say what comes to your mind when I ask, okay?" I ask, she nods.

"What's the worst thing I've done to you? What's the most disgusting, terrible thing that I've put you through since we met?" I'm not sure if I want the answer to this question but I know exactly what she's going to say.

"The bet." She confirms my thought. "The fact that you had me completely fooled when I was falling in love with you."  

I pause, thinking about where the hell I should go from here. "Would you take it back? Would you change that mistake of mine if you could?" The lights on the patio turn on, adding to the drama of it all.

"No, I wouldn't take it back," she whispers.

"Okay, so next to that what is the worst thing I've done?" I cross my arms in front of my chest.

"When you ruined that apartment for me in Seattle."

"Really?"

"Yes,"

"Why that? What was it about me doing that that pissed you off so bad?" I ask her. Why is that such a big deal? And how is that abusive?

"The fact that you completely took control of a decision that was mine and you hid it from me."

Okay, that does make a little more sense.

"I won't try to justify that shit because I know it was fucked up," I shrug my shoulders.

"Okay?" She's getting irritated now.

"I do understand where you are coming from with that. I shouldn't have done that, I should have talked to you instead of trying to keep you from going to Seattle. I was fucked in the head at the time, still am, but I'm trying and that's something different than before."

I think, the hardest thing to explain to her, or try to explain is that there is a big difference between our relationship being unhealthy and being abusive. I think that a lot of people are quick to judge without putting themselves in the people who deal with this shit.

I'm a fuck up, I know I'm a damn fuck up, I'm an asshole and many people may not think I'm worthy of Tessa and that I treat her like shit. I'm not denying that I have, but I've been through a lot of shit in my fucked up life and I'm learning now, trying as hard as I fucking can, to be a better person, so anyone who wants to judge my relationship without living it can fuck off.

"You have this idea in your head baby, an idea that someone planted there or maybe you saw it on some shitty television show, or maybe in one of your books, I don't know. But real life is fucking hard. No relationship is perfect and no man is ever going to treat a woman exactly how he should. I'm not saying it's right, okay?" I tell her. She tries to interrupt but I stop her.

"So hear me out, I'm only saying that I think if you and maybe some other people in this fucked up, criticizing world, would just pay closer attention to the shit behind the scenes, you would see shit differently. We aren't perfect Tessa, I'm not fucking perfect and I love you, but you are far from perfect too," I hope she gets this. I hope she understands that nothing is perfect and I'm sorry for being the way I am.

"I have done a lot of shit to you, and fuck, I've made this speech one thousand damn times, but something inside of me has changed, you know it's true."

"I'm afraid we are too far gone, we have both made so many mistakes."

"It would be a waste to give up instead of fixing those mistakes and you fucking know it."

"A waste of what? Time? We don't have much time to waste now."

What does she mean we don't have much time? I love her, but she really needs to try and remember that she's only nineteen. We have plenty of fucking time.

"We have all the time in the world, we are still young. I'm about to graduate and we will live in Seattle. I know you are sick of my bullshit but I'm selfishly counting on your love for me to convince you that I should have one last chance."

"What about all the things I've done to you? I've called you names, all the stuff with Zed?"

Fuck.

"First off, Zed doesn't have a place here, in this conversation You've done stupid shit, so have I. Neither of us had any damn clue how to be in a relationship. You may have thought you did because you were with Noah for so long, but let's be real here, the two of you were basically kissing-cousins, that shit wasn't an actual relationship."

"And as far as you calling me names," I can't help but smile at the way she's glaring at me.

"Everyone calls each other names, I'm sorry but even your mum's pastor's wife is calling her husband an asshole. She may not say it to his face but it's the same shit and I would much rather you call me an asshole to my face."

"You have an explanation for everything, don't you?"

"No, not everything. Not much really, but I know you're sitting across from me looking for a way out of this and I'm going to do my damn best to make sure you know what you're saying."

"Since when do we communicate this way?" She wonders, I'm wondering the same damn thing.

"Since now." I shrug again, I can't seem to stop fucking shrugging every minute. "I don't know, but the other shit didn't seem to work for us, so why not try this way?"

"Why do you make it sound so easy, if it was this easy, we could have done it before."

"No, I wasn't the same before and neither were you." I stare at her.

"It can't be this simple. I need time to myself, Hardin. I need time to find out who I am and what I want to do with my life and how I'm going to get there and I need to do that on my own."

Bullshit. She's feeding me bullshit because she feels like she has to.

"You've made your mind up then? You don't want to live with me in Seattle? Have you already gotten your own place or something? Is that why you're so closed off and unwilling to actually listen to what I'm saying?"

If she has already gotten an apartment, I'll be okay with that too. I don't give a shit where we live in Seattle, as long as she allows me near her.

"I am listening but I've already made up my mind.. I can't keep doing this back and forth, back and forth. Not just with you, but with myself."

"Where's your place at then? Which neighborhood in Seattle?" I lean back and rest my legs on the table in front of me.

"It's not in Seattle,"

"Where then? Which suburb?"

"It's New York, Hardin. I want to go-"

"New York?" What? No fucking way. I heard her wrong. I had to have.

 "You're talking about actual New York? Or is that some little hipster neighborhood in Seattle that I haven't come across yet?"

"Actual New York," she clarifies.

I'm now pacing across the deck like an idiot but my mind is racing and she's just calmly siting there like she didn't just wreck my entire fucking world.

"In a week," she adds. I may just vomit that ham all over the deck.

"When did you decide this?" I ask when I find my voice.

"After London and after my father passed away."

"So me being an asshole to you made you want to pack your shit and go to New York City? You've never even left the state of Washington, what makes you think you could live in New York City?"

Now I've done it. I've made a habit of pushing her further and further. This time it just happens to be across the fucking country.

"I could live anywhere that I want. Don't try to belittle me," she snaps at me.

"Belittle you? Tessa, you're one thousand times better at everything than I am, I am not trying to belittle you. I'm only asking, what makes you think that you can live in New York? Where would you even live?"

"With Landon," she says.

"Landon? Landon, you and Landon are moving to New York." I choke the words out.

"Yes, he was already going and I-"

"Who's idea was this? Was it your idea or his?" I don't know how to feel, I don't know what this burning, ache inside of me is called, but I hate it and I wish I could replace it with anger. Anger I know, anger I will fucking welcome, if this ache will go away.

"I'm going to take a semester off when I get there."

"It was his idea, wasn't it? He knew this all along and while he had me convinced that we were.. I don't know? Friends.. brothers even, he was going behind my back." My hands are at my sides, clenched tightly, and I'm trying to force the return of anger.

Landon out of all people?

I should have expected this, this shit always happens.

"Hardin, it isn't like that."

"Like hell it isn't, you two are something fucking else." I shout, my hands moving in front of me.  "You sat there and let me make a fool out of myself offering you marriage and adoption and all kinds of shit and you knew, you fucking knew, you were leaving anyway?" I tug at my hair and my anger grows, finally. Landon had me fooled this entire time, thinking that he actually gave a fuck about me.

"Don't go in there, please. Stay out here with me and we can finish talking about this. We have so much more to talk about," Tessa tries to stop me from going inside the moment she catches onto my intentions.

"Stop! Just fucking stop!" I jerk my arm away from her touch. Any other time I would long for her touch, now I can only focus on their betrayal. Everyone around me keeps fucking me over and lying and I'm sick of it.

"Landon!" I yell his name as I walk into the dining room. Tessa is behind me, trying to calm me.

"What?" He responds. He's sitting at the table with that damn neighbor girl and I hope she's smart enough to leave now.

I stare at him for a second, trying to remember how fucked up he is. "What's going on?" He looks back and forth between Tessa and I.

"Don't look at her, look at me." I snap. Stacey jumps in her seat but I don't have time to worry about that shit.

"Hardin, he didn't do anything wrong. He is my best friend and he was only trying to help." Tessa says from behind me.

"Stay out of this Tessa."

"What are you talking about? This is about New York, isn't it?" Landon asks. You fucking think?

"Fuck yes it's about New York!" I shout at him. Sarah gives me one hell of a glare and for a second, I think she may jump out of her seat and tell me off. I sort of wish she would.

"I was only looking out for Tessa when I invited her to come with me! You broke up with her and she was broken, absolutely broken. New York is what is best for her." Landon calmly explains.

"You know how fucked up you are? You pretended to by my fucking friend and then you go and pull this shit?" I can't stop pacing the damn room.

"I wasn't pretending! You messed up again and I was trying to help her!" Landon yells, triggering the end of my patience for his shit. I grab the collar of his shirt and pull him from the chair.

"Help her by taking her away from me!" I scream in his face, slamming his back against the wall.

"You were too high to care!" His voice is louder than I've ever heard it.

I was too high?

I try to ignore the fact that he's fucking right.

"You knew what you were fucking doing! I trusted you, you piece of shit!" It doesn't matter why he did it, he still kept the shit from me.

"Go on then! Hit me!" My fist raises in front of his face when he continues to scream in my face.

"Hit me, Hardin! You're so tough and violent, go on and fucking hit me!' Landon just won't fucking stop.

"I will! I'll-" my fist lowers without my consent and I try to raise it again. This isn't how it usually is. I don't have the racing rush of adrenaline, my blood isn't singing in my veins, my mouth isn't watering at the idea of a fight.

"You won't do it." Landon's face is red and I want to hit him as he challenges me. I want to make him sorry for hurting me this way. I want to make him regret fooling me into thinking he had my back.

"Yes I fucking will! I will smash this stupid fucking cast-" my voice trails off. I can't stop myself from looking at Tessa. She's standing in the middle of the room, face flushed, eyes wide and afraid for her friend.

I can't do it. I can't fucking hit him. I turn back to him and scream in his face again. "Fuck you!" I say once more and lower my hand one final time before leaving him leaning against the wall.

I pass Karen and my father in the room and keep walking until I'm outside. I didn't even realize that they were in the room. Why didn't they try to stop me?

Did they somehow know that I wouldn't hit him?

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

The spring air isn't fucking crisp or fresh or flowery or anything that could help me snap out of this shit. I'm getting back there, I'm seeing red around the corners of my vision and I don't want to. I don't want to slip and fucking lose everything that I've been working toward.

I don't want to lose this new and much easier version of myself. If I would have hit him, if I would have knocked Landon's god damn teeth down his throat, I would have lost. I would have lost everything, including Tessa.

Then again, I don't really have her. I haven't had her since I sent her packing in London. She's been planning this little getaway the entire time. Landon too.

Both of them have been plotting behind my fucking back, planning to leave me behind in the shitty state of Washington while they travel across the country together. She sat there in silence as I poured myself to her and let me make a fucking fool of myself.

Hardin, stupid fucking Hardin, the guy who no one gives a fuck about, always the last to know every fucking thing. That's me, always has been, and always will be.

Tessa is the only person in my entire life that ever took the time to care about me, care for me, and make me feel like I'm actually worth someone's time.

My shoes track across the grass and toward the line of trees at the end of the property. I don't know where the hell I'm going, or what I'm going to do back here but I'm pissed off and I need to breathe and concentrate before I snap.

Fucking Landon had to push me, he just had to push my fucking buttons and try to make me hit him. Why the hell would he tell me to hit him? He's an idiot, that's why. 

Motherfucker is what he is.

Bastard.

Asshole.

Fucking idiot asshole motherfucker.

"Hardin?" Tessa's voice travels through the silence and I try to make a quick decision whether to hide or not. I'm just too fucking mad to deal with her shit and be scolded for picking on Landon.

"He started this shit," I say, stepping out into the open space between two large trees. So much for hiding. See, I can't even fucking do that correctly.

"Are you okay? Tessa asks, voice light and nervous.

"What do you think?" I snap, looking past her and into the darkness.

"I'm-"

"Save it. Please, I know you're going to say you are right and I'm wrong and I shouldn't have slammed Landon against the wall."

She steps toward me and I can't help but notice the way I take a step closer to her at the same time. Pissed as I am, I am fucking drawn to her, always have been, always fucking will be.

"Actually, I was going to apologize. I know how wrong it was to keep that from you and this one is on me. I want to take ownership for my mistake, not blame you." She softly says.

What?

"Since when?" I am pissed.

I remind myself yet again, that I'm pissed. It's hard to remember how pissed I am when I just want her to hug me, to remind me that I'm not as big of a fuck up as I think I am.

"Can we talk again? You know, how we did on the patio?" She asks, eyes wide and hopeful, even in the dark and even after my blow up.

I want to tell her no, that she had her damn chance to talk every day since she decided to move across the fucking country to "put some space between us". Instead, I huff and nod in agreement. I don't give her the satisfaction of answering but I nod again and lean against the trunk of the tree behind me.

I can tell by the look on her face that she didn't expect me to agree so easily. The childish little shit inside of me smiles at the fact that I caught her off guard, sort of like she did when she dropped the news about New York only minutes ago.

She kneels down and sits cross legged on the grass. She rests her hands on her bare feet. "I'm proud of you." She says, looking up at me. The lights from the patio cast only enough light to make out her small smile, the soft praise in her eyes.

"For what?" I pick at the bark on the tree, waiting for her answer.

"For walking away like that. I know Landon was pushing and pushing, but you walked away, Hardin. That was a huge step for you, I hope you know how much that means to him that you chose not to hit him."

Like he fucking cares? He's been going behind my back for the last three weeks.

"It doesn't mean shit."

"Yes it does, it means a lot to him." She repeats.

I pull off a particularly large piece of bark and toss it to the ground at my feet. "And what does it mean to you?" I ask, eyes focused on the tree.

"A lot." She runs her palm across the grass. "It means a lot."

"Enough to keep you from moving? Or a lot as in, you're really proud of me, I'm a good boy, but you're still leaving?" I can't disguise the pathetic whine in my voice.

"Hardin," she shakes her head, trying to think of an excuse I'm sure.

"Landon out of all people knows exactly what you mean to me, he knows that you are my fucking life-line and he didn't care, he's going to take you across the country, pulling the cord on me and that hurts, okay?"

She sighs, biting on her bottom lip. "When you say things like that it makes me forget why I'm fighting against you."

"What?" I push my hair back and sit down on the ground, my back resting against the tree.

"When you say things like I'm your lifeline, and when you admit that something hurts you, it reminds me why I love you so much." I look at her and notice the way she sounds so sure, despite her claim to be uncertain of our relationship.

"You know damn well you are, you know that I'm not shit without you." I say. I maybe should have said "I'm nothing without you, love me," but I already blurted out my own version.

"You are though," she smiles hesitantly. "You are a good person, even at your worst. I have a really bad habit of reminding you of your mistakes and holding them over you, when in reality, I'm just as bad at this relationship as you are. I had an equal share in dooming it."

"Dooming it?" I've heard this way too many damn times.

"Ruining us, I mean. It was just as my fault as it was yours."

"Why is it ruined? Why can't we just fix our issues?"

She takes another breath and tilts her head back slightly to look a the sky. "I don't know?" She says, sounding as surprised as I am.

"You don't know?" I repeat, a smile on my lips. Fuck, we are insane.

"I don't know," she says again. "I just had my mind set and now I'm confused because you are truly, honestly, trying and I see that."

"You do?" I try not to sound too interested but of course my fucking voice breaks and I sound like a damn mouse.

"Yes, Hardin. I do, I'm just not sure what to do about it."

"New York won't help us. New York isn't going to be this new start at life or whatever you think. You and I both know that you're using that city as an easy out of this,"  I wave my hand back and forth between us.

"I know," she pulls a handful of grass from the root and I can't help but sort of love the way I've been with her so long that I know she does this every time she sits on grass.

"How much time?" I ask.

"I don't know, I really do want to go to New York now. Washington hasn't been good to me so far," she frowns and I watch as she leaves me and disappears into her own mind.

"You've been here your whole life," I remind her.

She blinks once, takes a deep breath and tosses her little stray pieces of grass onto her foot. "Exactly."

(Hey guys!! Your support and love is still pouring in and I can't express enough how much it means to me and I am so thankful for each and every one of you, I'm trying to answer as many of my inboxes as I can, so if I haven't answered you, it may take a while (I have 20k so I promise I'm not ignoring you, I'm just trying to get to them) so thank you so much for writing me and I always read my message board even if I can't respond, so don't ever think your time and love goes unnoticed. I've planned out the rest of the chapters and there are only SEVEN!! Seven chapters! That is so crazy to me, and I can't believe how far we have all come!

Gah, my author's notes are getting insanely long hah, I just really love you all and I'm getting all emotional and sappy lol! I have a busy weekend but I plan to update Sunday or Monday! Love you all!! have a great weekend!! xo)