Songs for this chapter are:

Robbers- The 1975

Volcano- Damien Rice

Same as you- The Fray

Be Yours- Betsy Phillips

Tessa's POV.

"Are you ready to go inside?" My voice is a whisper, breaking the silence between us. He hasn't spoken and I haven't been able to come up with anything worth saying in the last twenty minutes.

"Are you?" He lifts himself up using the tree and brushes the dirt off of his black jeans.

"If you are."

"I am, but if you would like to keep talking about going inside, we could do that too." He smiles a sarcastic smile.

"Ha-ha," I roll my eyes and he reaches his hand out to help me to my feet. His hand gently wraps around my wrist and he pulls me up to my feet. He doesn't let go, he only slides his hand down to cup mine.

I don't comment on his gentle touch, or the fact that he's looking at me in that familiar way, the way that he looks when his anger is masked, overpowered even, by his love for me. It's this look, this raw and unplanned look on his face, that reminds me that a part of me needs and loves this man more than I am willing to admit.

There is no plan behind this touch, it's not a calculated gesture when his arm moves around my waist and he draws me to him as we walk up the grass to the deck.

Not a word is spoken, only a worried glance from Karen. Her hand is resting on her husband's arm and he's leaning down, talking quietly to Landon who has now taken a seat back at the dining room table. Sophia is no longer in room, I assume she left after the chaos. I don't blame her.

"Are you okay?" Karen turns her attention to Hardin. Landon looks up at the same time as Ken, and I gently nudge Hardin.

"Who me?" He asks, confused. He stops near in front of the staircase and I bump into him.

"Yes dear, are you okay?" Karen clarifies. She pushes her brown hair behind her ears and takes a step toward us, her hand moving to her belly.

"You mean," Hardin clears his throat, "Am I going to go on a rampage and bash Landon's face in? No, I'm not." He huffs.

Karen shakes her head, patience clear in her soft features. "No, what I meant was, are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you, that's what I meant."

He blinks once, composing himself, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"If the answer to that question changes, be sure to let me know. Okay?" She asks of him. He nods and leads me up the staircase. I look back down to Landon as I walk up the stairs and he closes his eyes, turning his face away.

"I need to talk to Landon," I tell Hardin as he opens the door to his room here. He switches the light on and lets go of my arm.

"Now?" He asks.

"Yes, now."

"Right now?"

"Yes," the moment I say the word, Hardin has me against the wall.

"This second?" He leans into me, his breath warm against my neck. "You're sure?"

I'm not sure, of anything, really.

"What?" My voice is thick, head cloudy.

"I think you were going to kiss me," he presses his lips to mine and I can't help but smile into it, into the madness, into the relief of his affection. His lips aren't soft, they are dry and cracked, but so perfect and I love the way his tongue laps around mine, pushing into my mouth, not giving me the option to overthink or pull away.

His hands are at my waist, fingers pressing deliciously into the skin there as his knee pushes between my thighs to separate them.

"I can't believe you are moving so far from me," he says, dragging his mouth across my jaw to the skin just below my ear. "So far from me."

"I'm sorry," I breathe, unable to say more than that when his hands move from my hips to my stomach, pushing the fabric of my t-shirt along with the heavy drag of his hands.

"Between the two of us, we keep running." His voice is calm, despite his hands moving quickly to cup my chest, my back is pressed against the wall and my shirt is laying on the floor at our feet.

"We do,"

"One Hemingway quote and I'll keep my mouth busy elsewhere," he smiles against my mouth, his hands rubbing, teasing, just above the waist of my pants. I nod, wanting him to follow through on that promise.

"You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another," his hand pushes into my pants and I groan, equally overwhelmed by his words and his touch.

His words play on an endless stream inside of my mind as he touches me and I reach for him. He's clearly straining against his zipper and he moans my name under his breath as I fumble with the button of his jeans.

"Don't go to New York with Landon, stay with me in Seattle." 

Landon. I turn my head and remove my hand from Hardin's zipper. "I need to talk to Landon, this is important. He seemed upset."

"So? I'm upset too."

"I know," I sigh. "But you clearly aren't that upset," I remind him, glancing down at his cock, boxers barely covering it.

"Well, that's because I'm distracted from being pissed at you, and Landon," he adds as an afterthought. 

"I won't be long," I pull away from him and lift my shirt from the floor, tugging it down over my stomach.

"Okay, I need a few minutes anyway." Hardin pulls his hair back and drops the messy fringe onto his neck. This is the longest his hair has been since I met him, I like it this way but sort of miss being able to see the traces of ink that peek up from the neckline of his shirt.

"A few minutes away from me?" I ask him before considering how desperate the question sounds.

"Yes," he agrees, "you did just tell me that you are moving across the country and I lost my temper with Landon, I need a few minutes to sort through the shit going on in my head."

"Okay, I understand." I tell him, meaning it. I do understand. He's handling this much better than I expected and the last thing I should do is jump into bed with Hardin before settling things with Landon.

"I'm going to take a shower," he tells me as I walk into the hallway.

My mind is still in the bedroom with Hardin, pressed against the wall, living in the distraction. With each step, the ghost of his touch lessens and when I walk into the dining room, Karen moves from Landon's side and Ken gestures for her to leave the room with him. She offers me a small smile and a gentle squeeze of my hand as she passes.

"Hey," I pull the chair out and sit down next to Landon but he stands just as I take my seat.

"Not now, Tessa." He snaps. I miss a beat here, I'm confused by the harsh tone of his voice.

"Landon," I stand up and follow him as he walks into the living room. "Wait!" I shout at his back.

He stops walking, "I'm sorry but this isn't working anymore."

"What's not working?" I ask him, my fingers tug at his long sleeved shirt to stop him from walking away from me.

"This thing between you and Hardin. It was okay when it was only affecting the two of you but now you're dragging everyone else into it and that's not fair." The anger in his voice cuts deep and it takes me a moment to remember that he's talking to me.

Landon has always been supportive and kind and I never expected to hear this from him.

"I'm sorry Tessa, but you know I'm right. You guys can't keep bringing all this here. My mom is pregnant now and that scene could have done real damage to her nerves, you guys go back and forth between Seattle and here, fighting in both cities and everywhere in between."

Ouch.

 I struggle for words, "I know, I'm so sorry for what just happened. I didn't mean for any of that to happen Landon, I had to tell him about New York, I couldn't keep it from him. I thought he handled it really well," my voice breaks. I'm confused and panicked because Landon is upset with me. I knew he wasn't happy with Hardin putting his hands on him, but I didn't expect this reaction from him.

"He handled it well? He slammed me against the wall...." he sighs and pushes the sleeves of his shirt up this his elbows.

"He did, I guess." He agrees, "but that doesn't mean this isn't becoming more and more of a problem. You guys can't travel the world breaking up and getting back together. If it doesn't work in one city, why would you think it would work in another?"

"I know that, that's why I'm coming to New York with you. I needed to figure myself out, alone. Well, without Hardin. That was the whole point behind it."

He shakes his head, "Without Hardin? You think he's going to let you go to New York without him? He will either come with you or you'll stay here, fighting like this." He waves his hand through the air and my heart sinks into my chest.

Everyone always says the same things about my relationship with Hardin, hell, I make the same points. I've heard it all before, many times, but as Landon throws them at me, one after another, it's different. It's different and it means more and hurts more, and makes me doubt everything, more.

"I really am sorry, Landon. I know I drag everyone into our mess and I'm so sorry for that. I don't mean to, I don't mean for it to be this way, especially with you. You're my best friend, I never want you to feel like that."

"Yeah, well I do. And a lot of other people do too, Tessa." His words are sharp and they puncture me in that one place I had left, the only untouched, clean place inside of me, that was reserved for Landon and his loving friendship. That sacred little place was essentially all I had left when it came to the people around me. It was my safe place and now it's dark, like it's surroundings.

"I'm sorry," my voice comes out as a broken whine and I'm convinced that my mind hasn't caught up with the fact that Landon is the person saying these things to me. "I just.. I thought you were on our side?" I ask, simply because I have to. I have to know if it's truly as hopeless as it seems.

He takes a deep breath and releases it, "I'm sorry too, but tonight was too much. My mom being pregnant and Ken trying to fix things with Hardin, me moving, it's too much. This is our family and it needs to come together, you aren't helping that."  

"I'm sorry," I repeat, because I don't know what else to say. I can't argue with him, I can't even disagree with him because he's right. This is their family, not mine. No matter how much I try to pretend that it is my family, I'm disposable here. I've been disposable in every place that I tried to settle since I left my mother's house.

"I know you are, I'm sorry for being a jerk but I had to say it." He stares down at his feet and I can't seem to look away from his face.

"Yeah, I understand." I tell him. He still doesn't look at me. "It won't be like this in New York, I promise. I just need some time, I'm so confused about everything in my life and I can't seem to make sense of anything."

The feeling of not being wanted somewhere when you aren't sure how to leave is one of the worst feelings. It's so incredibly awkward and you take a few seconds to try and assess the situation to make sure you aren't just being paranoid, but then when my best friend won't look at me after telling me that I'm causing problems with his family, the only family I have, I know it's true. Landon doesn't want to talk to me right now but he's too nice to say it.

"New York," I swallow the lump in my throat, "you don't want me to come anymore, do you?" I ask him.

"It's not that, I just thought New York was going to be a fresh start for both of us Tessa, not another place for you and Hardin to fight."

"I get it," I shrug my shoulders and dig my fingernails into my palm to stop myself from crying. I do get it, I understand completely.

Landon doesn't want me to go to New York with him. I didn't have a solid plan anyway. I don't have much money or an acceptance letter to NYU yet, if ever. Just like everything in life, I didn't realize how emotionally prepared I was to go until now. I needed this, I needed to at least try to do something spontaneous and different and I needed to jump out into the world and land my own two feet.

"I'm sorry," he says, lightly kicking at the leg of the chair to shift the focus from his words.

"It's okay, I understand." I force a smile at my best friend and manage to make it up the stairs before the tears flow freely down my cheeks. The bed feels solid underneath me, holding me in place while my mistakes are laid out in front of my eyes.

I have been so selfish and I haven't even realized how selfish I have been until now. I have ruined so many relationships in the last eight months. I started college with my Noah, my childhood boyfriend until I cheated on him, more than once, with Hardin.

I made friends with Steph, who betrayed me and tried to hurt me. I judged Molly and she wasn't even the one I should have been worried about. I forced myself to believe that I could fit in in college, that this group of people were actually my friends, when in reality I was a joke to them.

I fought and fought to keep Hardin, I fought for his acceptance from the start. When he didn't want me, I only wanted him more. I fought with my mother to defend Hardin, I fought with myself to defend Hardin, I fought with Hardin to defend Hardin.  

I gave my virginity to him as a part of a bet. I loved him and cherished that moment and he was hiding his motives from me. I've dealt with this and moved on and so now this reminder is nothing more than a red flag in my self-esteem. Even after what he did, I stayed and he always came back with an apology even bigger than the last. It wasn't always him though, while his mistakes held more depth, more pain, mine were just as frequent.

Out of pure selfishness, I used Zed to fill the void nearly every time Hardin left me. I kissed him, I spent time with him, I led him on. I held my friendship with him over Hardin's head, I knowingly continued the game that the two of them started all those months ago.

I have forgiven Hardin so many times, only to throw his mistakes back in his face. I always expected too much from him and I never let him forget it. Hardin is a good man, despite his flaws, he's such a good man and he deserves to be happy, he deserves everything. He deserves a woman who doesn't have to struggle to give him children and quiet days with a loving wife. He doesn't deserve games and bad memories. He shouldn't have to try and live up to some ridiculous expectation I have set for him that is nearly impossible to meet.

I have been through hell and back in the last eight months and now here I sit, on this bed, alone. I've spent my entire life planning and scheduling, organizing and anticipating, yet here I am, with nothing but mascara stained cheeks and broken plans. Not even broken, none of them ever had enough backing in the first place to be broken. I don't have a clue where my life is headed, I don't even have an active college schedule. I've transferred back and forth, applied for colleges in New York, and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing with my life.

So many breakups, so many losses. I had my father come back into my life, only to be slain by his own demons. I've watched as Hardin's entire life was revealed as a lie and his closest friend and mentor was found to be his biological father with a long history with his mother.

His childhood was torment for nothing, he went through years of dealing with an alcoholic for a father and he witnessed things as a child that no one should ever have to. I have watched from the beginning of Hardin's relationship with Ken, I met the new and improved Ken inside of a yogurt shop and I have spent close to a year becoming part of this family and watching as Hardin does the same. He's learning to accept his past and forgive Ken for his mistakes and it's incredible to see.

He has been so angry his entire life and now that he's finally getting some peace in his life, I can see this for what it is. Hardin needs this peace, he needs resolve. He doesn't need constant backtracking and constant turmoil. He doesn't need doubts and arguments, he needs family.

He needs his friendship with Landon and his relationship with his father. He needs to accept the way he cares for his family and be able to enjoy the thrill of watching his family expand. He needs Christmas dinners full of love and laughter, not tears and tension. I've watched him change so much since the day I met the rude, tattooed boy with the longest, messiest hair I had ever seen. He's not that boy anymore, he's a man now, a recovering man. He doesn't drink the way he used to, he doesn't break things as often, and he stopped himself from hurting Landon.

He's managed to build this life around him, full of people who love and cherish him, and I've managed to destroy every relationship I thought I had.

We fought and we battled, we won and we lost, and now my friendship with Landon has become just another casualty of Hardin and Tessa.

"What's going on?" Hardin rubs a towel over his hair as he walks into the room. The cloth is dropped to the floor and he moves across the room to kneel in front of me.

"We are Catherine and Heathcliff," I don't try to mask my tears, I don't see the point.

"What? What the hell happened?"

"We have made everyone around us miserable and I don't know if I just didn't notice or I was too selfish to care, but it happened. Even Landon, even Landon has been affected by us."

"Where is this coming from? Did he fucking say something to you?" Hardin stands to his feet.

"No," I pull him by the arm, begging him not to go downstairs. "He only said the truth. I see it now, I was just trying to force myself to see it but now I get it." I wipe my fingers under my eyes and take a breath to continue.

"You aren't the one who was ruining me, I did it myself. I changed and you changed, but you changed for the better, I didn't." Saying it out loud makes it easier to accept. I'm not perfect, I never will be, and that's okay, but I can't drag Hardin down with me. I have to fix what is wrong inside of me, it isn't fair to want that from Hardin without doing it myself.

"You're talking crazy, none of this makes any sense."

"Yes," I stand up and tuck my hair behind my ears. "It makes sense," I am trying to stay as calm as I can but it's hard because he doesn't get it and it's so clear, how doesn't he get it?

"I need you to do something for me, I need you to promise me something right now," I beg of him.

"What? Hell no I'm not promising anything Tessa, what the fuck are you going on about?" He reaches under my chin and gently lifts my head to him. He uses his other hand to wipe at the moisture covering my face.

"Please, promise me something. If we could ever have a chance of a future together, you have to do something for me."

"Fine," he quickly agrees.

"I mean it, I am begging you, if you love me, you will listen to me and do this for me. If you can't, we will never have a future, Hardin."

I don't mean the words as a threat, they are a plea. I need this from him, I need him to understand and to heal and to live his life while I try to fix mine.

"Okay, I promise." He swallows, his eyes meet mine and I know he doesn't want to agree but he means it.

"Don't follow me this time, stay here and be with your family and-"

"Tessa," he cups my face with his hands resting under my jaw. "No, stop this. We will figure this New York shit out, don't overreact."

"I'm not going to New York and I promise you that I'm not overreacting. I know this seems dramatic and impulsive, but I promise it's not. We have both been through so much in the last year and if we don't take a little time to make sure this is what we want, we will end up taking everyone down with us, even more so than we already have," I try to make him understand, he has to understand.

"How long?" He asks.

"Until we know that we're ready," I explain, feeling more resolved than I have in the last eight months.

"Know what? I already know what I want with you."

"I need this, Hardin. If I can't get myself together, I would resent you and myself. I need this."

"Fine, you can have it. I'm giving this to  you, not because I want to, but because this will be the last doubt I will ever entertain from you. After I give you this time and you come back to me, that's it. You aren't leaving again and you will marry me. This is what I want in return for this time you need."

"Okay," I agree. If we make it through this, I will marry this man.

....

"I love you, please remember that." Hardin kisses my forehead and closes the passenger door of my car. My bags have been packed, for the thousandth and last time and Hardin is leaning against the car now, bringing me to his chest.

"Call me the second you get there." He isn't happy about this, but he will be. I know this is right, we need this time for ourselves, we are so young, so confused, we need this time to repair some of the damage that has been done in the people's lives around us.

"I will, tell them bye for me, remember?" I lean into his chest and close my eyes. I'm not sure how this will end, but I know it's necessary.

"I will. Get in the car please, I can't draw this out and pretend that I'm happy about this but I'm trying to show you that I'm a different person now, I can cooperate."

"I know you are, thank you." I wrap my arms around Hardin's torso and he rests his arms around my shoulders.

"I love you Tessa, so fucking much. Remember that, okay?" He says into my hair. I can hear his voice breaking and the need to protect him is trying to claw it's way in.

"I love you Hardin, always." I press my palms against his chest and lean up to kiss him. I close my eyes, wishing, wanting, hoping, that this won't be last time I feel his lips against mine, that this won't be the last time I ever feel this way. Even now, through the sadness and pain of leaving him here, I feel the constant pulse of electricity between us. I feel the soft curve of his lips, I feel the burn of need for him, need to change my mind about this and continue living in the cycle. I feel the compulsion that he holds over me, and I over him.

I pull away first, memorizing the low groan he makes when I do, and kiss his cheek. "I'll call you when I get there." I kiss him once more, just a small, quick, goodbye kiss and he runs his hands over his hair when he steps away from my car.

"Be safe, Tess." Hardin says as I climb into the car and close the door. I don't trust myself enough to speak.

"Bye, Hardin." I finally say as my car pulls away from the house.

(THIS ISNT THE END! SO PUT DOWN THE PITCHFORKS! We only have six chapters left, I still can't believe it. I can't tell you when the next update will be because I said it would be Monday and it's now Tuesday at 2 am, and I'm really sorry for not being able to keep with that but we are just so close to the end and every single word counts and I can't rush anything. If I rush it and stray away from what I have planned, it will take away from the story and I can't bear to do that! (dramatic cries)

But I do know that it will be by Saturday, I'm just not exactly sure which day. Okay, so six more chapters!! I love you all, I am going to pass out and sleep for twelve hours now, I got the worst sun burn today and it wasn't fun and I'm tired and rambling, so love you!! xo)