So, I'm lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, and it's like any other night except... well, except Ryan Ross is curled up against me, sound asleep and I'm counting how many times his chest rises and falls against my side. His breath is soaking deep into my shirt, brushing against my skin and it's shooting shocks of warm, fuzzy tingles all the way to my freaking toes.

I don't have the faintest clue what time it is, but I know it's getting pretty late, and I'm expecting a knock on my door at any second, my mom telling Ryan it's time to go, because yeah, it is a school night.

My door is still locked and closed, and I know my mom is most likely wondering why. But, I honestly don't even really care how obvious it is, because I'm way to high on Cloud Nine, and I mean, really, I'm cuddling with Ryan Ross on my bed after we just finished having quite an intense (and very, very hot) make out session.

There really isn't much that can bring me down right about now.

At some point, I lose count of his breaths, because once I get over the initial shock that, yeah, I totally did just make out with Ryan for the second time, all that is going through my mind is Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. And, it just completely sucks, because I still do have feelings for him, and I know he doesn't deserve this because he has always been nothing short than amazing to me. Plus, not only has he been my boyfriend for the past year, but he's also been my best friend too (along with Jon, of course). He's my knight in shining armor, he's... okay, so maybe not quite my knight in shining armor, but still. He means a lot to me.

And, I know, you're wondering that if he actually does mean to so much to me, then why am I cheating on him with Ryan? How could I have feelings like this for someone else?

The answer is... well, I don't really know actually.

So, in conclusion, I've pretty much went from the being the most happiest fucking person on the face of this universe, to feeling like the most shittiest, most confused, most guilty person in a matter of minutes.

Then, not to mention, there's also Dayna. And, I know, I've barely spoken more than like, three words to her in my entire life, but only, with the cheating on my boyfriend thing, I also helped her boyfriend cheat on her. Whether he's gay or not, it doesn't matter, because he still did- with me. And, I know, all Ryan and I have done is make out, but still, it counts. It just sucks because I never thought I'd be that kind of person- the cheater or the cheatee, you know?

I just have all this overwhelming guilt, and I want to talk to Ryan about it, but I just can't bring myself to wake him up, because he just looks so peaceful and beautiful and just, ugh. How did I get into this mess?

But, it's all my freaking fault so I should probably stop feeling sorry for myself. But, it's like, okay, when I developed this little crush on Ryan it wasn't like I ever planned on cheating on Ethan. I knew (or, well, I guess thought) nothing would ever happen with it, because Ryan was straight, and it was just some harmless, stupid, little crush that was never going to go anywhere. I mean, he's the pastors son. And now- well, now I don't even know what it is exactly, but it's obviously not just some harmless, little crush anymore, and I have no idea what to freaking do.

Why does life have to be so hard? Sob, sob.

Sure enough, a few soft knocks at my door and my moms voice calling my name and Ryan's comes a few minutes later, breaking my thoughts.

I groan, bury my face into Ryan's soft hair before yelling back, "Hold on a sec!" And I really don't care how fucking obvious this whole thing sounds either.

There's a long pause on the other side of the door, but I know she isn't gone. I know she's standing there, hand on my locked doorknob, and I'm just waiting for her to start yelling and screaming to open the door because she probably thinks I'm like, raping Ryan or something. However, seconds pass, and it doesn't come, instead she just goes, "Okay." and I hear her footsteps retreat down the hallway. It's weird too, because I can tell by the sound of her voice that she really doesn't know what we've been up to tonight (or, well, maybe she does, she just doesn't want to admit it, but then again, I barely believe it myself).

Ryan yawns beside me, stretches and blinks up at me with tired eyes. I can't decide whether I want to pinch his cheeks or rip off his clothes. Ryan kind of just stares up at me, smiling sleepily, until I finally can't help it anymore and just bend down and kiss him softly on his lips. He kisses me back at first, wet and lazy, but come on, it's Ryan kisses, so it's amazing anyways.

Then, all of sudden, he pulls away and practically dives off my bed, and he's definitely wide awake now. "Crap! What time is it? I can't believe I fell asleep!" He looks over at my alarm clock, which only makes him freak out more. "It's eleven?! Crap! Crap! Shit!"

I just kind of sit there cross-legged on my bed, staring up at him with wide, almost amused eyes as he runs back and forth across my bedroom, screaming and yelling like the worlds going to end in 1.58 seconds.

He grabs his sweater from the ground, throws it over his head while screaming, "Shit! Shit! Shit!" over and over and over and over again. He grabs onto his right shoe now, and he hobbles along on his left foot, as he tries to slide it on while still running across my room.

Then, he just stops. He's got one shoe on, and he just stands there in the middle of my room, face white. "I'm dead," he says, and his voice is eerily calm all of a sudden. He sniffs a little and buries his face in his hands. "My curfew was an hour ago."

I bite my lip, and give him some lame, sheepish shrug. Because, honestly, I'm really kind of scared if I talk he'll like, spontaneously combust or something and that wouldn't be too fun.

There's this long pause, with him just standing there in the middle of my room looking like he's about to burst out into a million tears, and me, staring back at him from my bed not saying anything. Finally, he throws his hands up in the air, nostrils flaring as he goes, "Could you at least say something?!"

"Well..." I start, and look up at my ceiling, and to tell you the truth, I'm still kind of out of it, "what am I supposed to say?"

He does this whole huff/groan/dying hamster thing and then just grabs his other shoe and storms out of my room without saying goodbye.

And, seriously, why does this keep happening to me?

---

It's the next day at lunch, and I'm sitting alone because Ryan's off sucking face with his girlfriend and Jon just never showed up.

And, seriously, I'm pretty sure he's taking this a little too far. I mean, it's not like what I said was even that bad. It's just the truth... and he freaking knows it.

I feel like such a loner just sitting here by myself, eating my PB&J sandwich, and turning around to glare at Ryan and Dayna halfway across the room about every 0.5 seconds. So, Jon's mad at me, Ryan's probably mad at me, and my mom has barely said a word to me since Ryan left last night (so, I'm guessing she has some idea about what me and Ryan were up to, she just probably doesn't want to admit it).

It's like, ten minutes before the bell rings when Ryan finally comes and sits down across from me. I just look at him, then look back down at my book and he doesn't say anything either. A few minutes pass without talking but Ryan doesn't leave. And, okay, maybe I kind of love him a little more now (if that's even possible).

Then, I just snap out, "All done with your girlfriend for now?" and, sorry, but it just kind of came out, just like everything else apparently does. And, I really, really need to learn how to keep my big, fat mouth shut or at least, think before I open it, because at least he came to sit with me at all, even after how much of an idiot I was being last night. But, seriously, come on, I think I'm allowed to be a little bitter after spending the whole lunch sitting by myself in the middle of the cafeteria, reading.

I'm pretty sure he's about to get back up, and leave me to sit by myself once again. However, he just rolls his eyes and looks away.

Ah, geez. Who am I kidding? He's too freaking beautiful and fantastic and gorgeous and super to even pretend to be mad at.

His face drops, and his voice gets all soft and maybe even a little hurt as he whispers, so the nosey grade nines behind us cant hear, "You have a boyfriend, Brendon. So, don't try and make me feel all bad about, Dayna, alright? That's not fair."

I huff, cross my arms over my chest and pout because... he's so totally right. "Yeah, well, I don't suck face with him in front of you." Even though, we all know I would if Ryan was ever in like, ten feet proximity to Ethan and me. Just to get him jealous though, of course.

"Whatever, Brendon," he mumbles, rolling his eyes. "I really don't feel like getting in an argument about this with you right now."

I sigh, push my pride aside for once, and nod, because I could really go without being in a fight with him and Jon at the same time. Plus, again, he's too beautiful and amazing and wonderful to fight with.

He smiles, and somehow, it still manages to light up the whole room and make me melt a little inside. I'm really, really wondering how he does that. I also kind of really, really have the urge to kiss him right now, so I tell him, quietly, remembering we are in a high school cafeteria surrounded by nosey teenagers with no lives of their own.

He goes about five shades of red and his eyes go super wide as he cries, "Brendon!" He looks around about a few dozen times to make sure no one overheard.

"What? Sorry," I reply innocently, even though, I'm obviously not. "It's just the truth." I nudge his foot with mine under the table.

He immediately pulls it away and hisses, "Don't say or do those things in school! Or like, anywhere in public." I know I'd be a little hurt at this at any other time, but... I can so tell he's trying to hide a huge smile underneath his red face, so it's kind of hard to be.

"You like it."

"Shutup," he says, blushing even harder. He stares down at the table, and I slide my foot towards his again, and it's about halfway up his leg before he kicks me again, even harder than before. Then, he even attempts to send me a death glare through his red face and shy smile. It just comes out even more adorable. "I will move and you will be forced to be a loner again if you don't stop."

I stick out my lower lip and go, "Fine. Jerk. I was having fun."

He smirks, and picks up a carrot from my tray.

"So," I start, catching his eye, "what happened with your dad last night?"

He shrugs, and nibbles on his carrot. "Well, I'm grounded for a week. It would have been worse, but your mom called and said I was at your house."

"Really? She did?" And, I don't know why, but I'm pretty shocked by this. I mean, I thought she'd never talk to me cause I semi-got it on with the Pastor's son.

"Yeah, you didn't know? I thought you told her to or something."

"No, I didn't. Even though I probably should of..." I say, and bite onto my lip apologetically. "I'm sorry though, really. I should have realized what time it was and woken you up... or, I don't know, at least been a little more helpful when you were running around my room in a panic instead of just sitting there on my bed staring at you."

He shrugs, and sends me a soft, almost shy smile. I turn into a big pile of goo and I want no more than to jump across the table and pounce on him. "Oh, no, it's okay. Don't worry about it..."

"To be completely honest," I say, leaning closer to him, and lowering my voice, "I was still in a bit of shock. Actually, I think I still kind of am..."

"From what?" he asks, and he is a complete idiot.

I send him a look, like come on, Ross, you were there last night, right?

"Oh! That. Oh. Yeah..." he blushes, then stares at his long, boney hands and fiddles his thumbs together.

How can someone be so freaking cute?!

"Yeah, that." I say.

He sneaks a look at me from the top of his eyes and goes, "Do you think your mom, uh, knew?"

I shrug, because right now, I'm not too entirely sure. And, it's my mom so I'll probably never know. "I don't know... I mean, we were in my room for a couple of hours with the door locked the whole time... I'm sure she'd definitely know if you were anyone else... but, you're not, so..."

"Yeah..." He nods, then looks away. He bites his lip, rubs his arm and then his temple. He's staring at a senior couple rubbing up against each other a few tables over. He's not saying anything, but it's like I can practically see the millions of thoughts running through his mind all at once.

"Look," I start, and I really just want to reach out and hold his hand, "I know this is... different. And, I know you might even be a little scared and stuff, but, it will be okay. And well, I really do like you, and well, I hope you like me too..." I look at him, nervously, biting down at my lip because my god, if he doesn't, I will cry, right here in the middle of the cafeteria..

Now, he really looks like he's going to be the one to burst out into tears. He just kind of stares at me, and I'm seconds from getting up, running away to the nearest bathroom and bawling my eyes out. Then, he opens his mouth to say something, but the stupid fucking warning bell cuts him off before any words have a chance to leave. So, he snaps his mouth shut, gives me a look and gets up. And you can totally tell he's just cheering on the inside, because of course, saved by the freaking bell.

I've always hated that show.

"I'll see you later, okay?" He slings his backpack over his shoulder, and as he passes by me, he rests a hand on my shoulder, but only for a split second before he's gone out of the cafeteria, leaving the imprint of his hand, burning into my shoulder.

I take it as a yes.