Ryan agrees to come over after school the next day. However, he had to lie and tell his dad he's hanging out with a few friends from church in order for that to happen. We end up hiding out in the boy's bathroom in the basement (that one that no one goes into because it's apparently haunted. And yes, this is high school) because God forbid, anyone from the church (or really just anyone in general) seeing us leave the school together.

So, yeah, I'd say I'd be pretty pissed if I wasn't guilty out of my mind, and trying to figure out exactly how I was going to tell Ryan I kissed my ex-boyfriend yesterday.

Ryan chatters along, all calm and fucking chipper, my hand clutched loosely in his, like we aren't sitting on a dirty bathroom floor that's apparently haunted (I mean, really, what ghost in their right mind would want to hang around a high school after their dead? Let alone a dingy bathroom that by the looks of it, probably hasn't been cleaned in years).

How could he just pretend nothing's going on? That everything is fine, and our relationship is just fantastic? That his dad didn't catch us together and forbid him from ever seeing me? That it's okay that he's been ignoring me in the halls, at lunch, and in class? That he's pretending I don't exist when other people are around? That he hasn't been clinging back onto Dayna like his fucking life depends on it?

Fucking Dayna. Why the fuck is she still on this planet anyway?

"Hey," Ryan says, softly into my ear, after a good five minutes of complete silence on my part. He squeezes my hand, and I force my eyes off of the ground and up to him. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

"No."

"Well, what did you want to tell me?"

I stare up at the cracked ceiling, and shake my head. The light flickers. "I'll tell you later, when we're at my house."

He nods, and lets his head fall against my shoulder. He keeps it there, and we sit in silence for the remaining five minutes.

- - -

Once we get to my house, and we're in the privacy of my own bedroom, Ryan presses a soft, almost shy kiss to my lips. He pulls back, bites onto his bottom lip, and sends me a nervous smile.

I figure he must know that what I'm about to tell him is not good news.

I force a small smile back, and I can feel my stomach and heart doing thousands upon millions of jumps, because, fuck. I don't want to tell him. I can't... I can just forget all about it... pretend it never happened. Ryan never has to know, it was just a little kiss after all. A mistake... it was nothing.

He leans forward to kiss me again, hand resting gently on my jaw as he deepens the kiss, fingers dancing across my skin. His kisses are soft but sure, and this what I mean when I say Ryan kisses mean something. They send tingles and shocks and electricity all the way to my toes it seems.

Ryan's the one to pull away first, and he blinks up at me, face pink. He grabs my hands with his, and intertwines our fingers one at a time. And I'm thinking, he's really purposely being super, extra cute right now to make this harder on me isn't he?

"Look, Bren, I just want to say one thing before you tell me whatever it is you have to tell me." he says, running his thumb along mine. He almost sounds as nervous as me.

I nod, and gulp.

"Okay... well, I know our relationship is kind of screwed up right now... with my dad and all. I mean, well, yeah, it always kind of has been, with me being with Dayna..." He takes a deep breath, and sends me another small, nervous smile. "You know, sometimes I wish I was as brave as you. That I didn't care what other people think... but, I do. I'm trying really hard not to though." He tosses some hair out of his eyes, squeezes my hand in his, so tight that I'm pretty sure he cut off my circulation for a few seconds there. "I just... I know it's been hard on you and everything. But, I just want to let you know that... well, I want to thank you... for like, everything. I don't think I would have ever been able to go through what I'm going through with my dad - with God - without you. Before... well, before I was never even able to admit to myself that I was- well, am, you know, gay." He makes a little noise from the back of his throat at the confession, and blushes some more. I don't blame him though, because that's the first time I've actually heard him ever say he was gay, out loud. Sure, he hinted at it, but he never actually said it, and I know that is a step all in itself.

I grin, despite the guilt running through my head, and he grins back, shy, then presses a soft kiss to my lips.

"So, anyways, your turn," he says, tucking his legs under him. He smiles expectantly at me, like he's expecting good news now that he gave me this big touching speech. However, that's not the case, but I'm really wishing it was.

"I don't know where to start... I don't... I just..." I rub my forehead with my hand, and curse under my breath. "I just want you to know that I love you, and I never wanted- want to hurt you. I just... I'm sorry, and I know... I know that I need to tell you, because like, yeah..."

His smile falters.

I sigh, and fuck, I just need to get this over with, even though he's just going to scream and yell, and dump me, I can see it now. "Yesterday... I saw Ethan. We went for a drive.... And well, he ended up kissing me. And, at first, kissed him back. I know, I shouldn't have, and I can't even believe I did. It was just... so stupid, I know. I feel so, so, so bad for it, but I promise you, I stopped it right away, before it went anywhere. But, I know, it's still no excuse because I shouldn't have kissed him in the first place."

Any trace of Ryan's smile is completely gone now, and he just stares at the wall behind my head. He says absolutely nothing.

Minutes pass, and still nothing. He's still staring at my wall. I'm almost tempted to turn around and to see what exactly.

"Ry... I'm sorry..."

"Oh," he says finally, and that's all, nothing else. He takes his eyes off the wall, and looks down, picking at a loose thread on his Good Shepard Bible Camp '07 hoodie sleeve.

"Please, don't be mad," I start. "I mean, never mind. I understand if you are, I mean, I'd be surprised if you weren't. You have every right to, but - "

"I'm not mad," he says, softly. His voice is dull, and emotionless. I don't believe him for even a second.

"You're... you're not?" I ask, confused, because considering what happened when I broke up with Ethan (which I still don't think was that bad) and how he reacted, I thought he'd be throwing my baseball lamp across my room right about now.

He shakes his head, and continues to stare down at his sleeve.

"Are you sure? Because, I mean, I deserve - "

"I'm not, okay? So just stop." he snaps, then finally looks me in the eye. His face is emotionless too, and at this point I'm kind of thinking I'd rather him be angry, because at least it's something. "It's fine, unless you want me to be mad or something?"

"No- no, of course not, but - "

"So, then, I suggest you stop asking me before I do get mad."

"Okay." I mumble, defeated.

We sit in silence. Ryan continues to pick at his sleeve, and I stare at the top of his head. I don't know what to think right now. In a way, I want to be happy, because it certainly turned out a whole lot better than I expected. I mean, there was no yelling, or throwing of objects, or dumping. He's still here, he hasn't left. But then again, I don't understand how he's not even a little mad. It doesn't seem right.

I'm sure ten minutes of complete silence has passed before Ryan's slowly picking himself off my bed. "Well, I better go, I guess," he says, he smooths out his wrinkle-free sweatshirt, "before my dad goes looking for me or something." He still avoids my eyes.

"Uh, yeah," I force out through my dry throat.

I stand up, and cautiously rest a hand on his arm. He flinches. "Ry," I say softly.

He keeps his eyes on his feet. "Hmm?"

"Ry, please look at me."

He slowly brings his gaze up to meet my eyes, hesitantly. He's almost slouching away from my touch. I move my hand up to his jaw, regardless. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I love you, okay?"

He nods, then looks back down at his feet. "I really gotta go."

"Okay..." I let my hand slip from his jaw, and drop to my side.

He bites his lip, then gives me a quick, almost forced peck on my cheek. "Bye," he mumbles as he darts out of my room.

I listen to him go down the stairs, and slam my front door behind him.

- - -

It's eight, and I'm getting ready for bed. It's been a long, bad day and I just want to crawl under my blanket and never come out. After four hours of careful thought and close examination of earlier this afternoon with Ryan, I've come to the conclusion that he's going to break up with me. Why wouldn't he? I'm a stupid, cheating whore.

I don't deserve Ryan, not at all. He's way too good for me. Way, way too good for me.

But, I mean, okay, is it bad for me to think that the way he reacted was just too... too... not right? He should have been angry, at least a little. Upset, anything. He was nothing at all, and that's just not right when your boyfriend just told you that he kissed his ex-boyfriend. I, for one, would not have been that calm, and I'd say I'm usually a pretty relaxed guy. Ryan, on the other hand, has shown me that he's not so much (i.e. break up sex with Ethan).

My shirt's halfway off my head when Spencer Fucking Smith comes bursting through my door, Jon following slowly behind. Jon looks scared and Spencer just looks plain pissed off... okay, maybe pissed off is a understatement. Fan-fucking-tastic, because this is just what I needed to top off such a perfect day. "You've got five seconds to explain yourself, Urie," Spencer demands, hands on hips.

I just stare at him with a dumb look on my face, one arm sticking out of my shirt.

"One... two... five. Okay, your time's up," he snaps, and holy shit, he's mad. I can practically see steam coming out of his nostrils and ears. How could my parents, my own flesh and blood, let Spencer come up here, unattended, when he so obviously wants to chop me up into a thousand pieces and feed it to his pet Chihuahua?

That is... if he has a pet Chihuahua. He just looks like someone that would own a Chihuahua. You know, bitchy and slutty just like Paris Hilton. Anyway... back to the current situation.

Jon says nothing of course, he just stares at his feet that are shuffling against my floor.

"How could you do that to Ryan?!" Spencer yells, and I swear, my room shakes a little.

I slide my shirt back on, and say nothing.

"How could you do that to him?" he yells again, and oh my god, I think he's going to punch me. Jon, why are you not saving me from your scary, scary boyfriend? Oh, right, 'cause you're a traitor, that's why!

"I know it's weird with him dating Dayna, but all he's ever done was... was... fuck! I can't even look at you!" He throws his hands in the air, and starts to pace back and forth in front of me. "You fucking stupid, little, slutty bitch," he mutters under his breath, almost inaudible. And I'm all like, takes one to know one, bitch! Hmph.

"Spencer..." Jon finally says, quiet.

Thank you, Jon! You do still love me! Now, I've got a wee bit of hope of making it through this night alive.

"Jon," Spencer says back, and gives him a hard stare.

Jon closes his mouth and says nothing else. Traitor! But, okay, I'm gonna be honest here, if I was Jon I'd probably do the same, 'cause this kid is insane.

"How could you do that?!" Spencer repeats, once again. "He trusted you! Which, I don't fucking understand why he ever did, but he did, okay?! And you just... you went and did that to him! How could you do that? Especially with everything that's going on with his dad. He was getting through it as best as he could because he knew he had you there! No matter what!"

"I am here," I say, meekly.

"Obviously not!" he cries, teeth clenched. "You were off hooking up with your ex-boyfriend in the backseat of his car, you trashy slut!"

Ouch.

"Fuck you, okay?" I say, and cross my arms over my chest. 'Cause, I mean, seriously, sure what I did was wrong, and sure what most of what he's saying is true, but I will not let people just sit there and call me names. "This is between me and Ryan. I get that you're his best friend and all, but this doesn't involve you! I don't appreciate you barging into my room and calling me a whore, alright? I'm not. I know what I did was wrong, but he kissed me, and I stopped him."

"Oh, what-the-fuck-ever, you knew it was going to happen when you agreed to hang out with him! You don't just go and hang out with your ex, and expect to play checkers, Brendon, and you know it!"

I stare up at my ceiling, and blink back my tears. I will not cry in front of Spencer Smith. I can't. I wont. I will not stoop to that level. "Just go Spencer," I say, clearing my throat.

"No," he refuses, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm staying right here until you tell me why you're such a horrible excuse for a human being!"

"Spencer, really, stop..." Jon warns, this time, somewhat more firm. Spencer sends him another look. This time, Jon looks back. "Seriously, you're going too far. He knows what he did was wrong. Does he look happy over it? He's crazy about Ryan. He loves him, more than he ever loved Ethan, and that's obvious. He wouldn't just throw that away."

Spencer stares at me, hard and mean, and I shrink into myself, my eyes still watering. "He still fucking kissed him," he snaps, but his voice is somewhat more calm. Oh, Jon, I love you so much. This is why you're my BFF. "He shouldn't have even been hanging out with him. He knew it was going to happen. While Ryan was at home, with his father fucking like, yelling at him and God knows what else, he was off making out with his ex-boyfriend!"

Um, hi, yeah, I'm right here, thanks.

I feel a single tear slip from my eye and roll down my cheek. And damnit, no! I am not crying because of Spencer fucking Smith. I am not crying because of him.

I quickly wipe it away, but not even a second later, another tear is slipping down my cheek, then another, and shit, I can't even help it. I so totally am crying because of him.

"Oh my god, why the fuck are you crying?" Spencer snaps. "Am I hurting your feelings?" he mocks, then rolls his eyes.

This only makes me cry more. How is Jon dating someone so mean? Jon, who's never even hurt a fly? I just don't get it.

"Spencer," Jon says, then takes a few steps towards me, "maybe it'd be best if you just go. I'll stay here with Brendon for awhile. All your doing is getting yourself worked up and him upset. It's not solving anything."

"But he - "

"Spencer, seriously, just... please? Go?"

He looks between Jon's pleading, almost stern expression, then to me, pressed up against my bedroom wall, crying. "Fine," he huffs, defeated. "But only because - "

"Spencer," Jon repeats, and sends him another look.

He closes his mouth, and doesn't finish his sentence. Before he leaves, Jon ruffles his hair a little, and presses a soft kiss in the middle of his forehead, mumbling a thanks into it.

Spencer nods, giving me one last death look, before leaving.

Jon moves the rest of the way over to me, almost cautious, then pulls me into him for a giant, Jon bear hug. Oh, how I missed those.

I sniffle and snot into his big, comfy Christmas sweater. "He's scary, Jon."

"Yeah, I know, he can be," he agrees, soothingly, then pats my back. "But, I can't really blame him. I'd be the same way if someone hurt you, you know. And, I hope it'd be the same for me too. Ryan's his best friend, he's just protective over him. He did go a little too far, but you know he's not always like that."

I snort doubtfully. "Pretty much."

"Brendon," he warns.

"What? He is." I pull away from his embrace, and look up at him, tears streaking down my face. "Fuck," I curse, and run my palms over my cheeks, then rub my eyes. "I'm such an idiot, Jon. I fucked up big time."

"You did, I know." he agrees. Jon has never been the type to lie, and I both love him and hate him for it.

I pout, a few more tears fall from my eyes. "He's going to dump me. How could I do that? Fuck, Spencer is right. I'm just a big - "

"He's not going to break up with you," Jon quickly says, cutting me off mid-sentence, "and you're not any of those names Spencer called you, he was just mad."

"How do you know he won't break up with me?"

"Because, I just do. He's too crazy about you. Plus, I was there when Ryan told Spence, and he wasn't angry. He was just... sad, maybe even a little confused. He seemed kind of our of it, if anything. When Spencer said he was going to come 'talk' to you, Ryan begged him not to," Jon explains. "He's hurt, I mean, anyone would be, but I don't think enough to dump you. In a way, maybe he should, but I don't think he is."

I make a growling, choked noise from the back of my throat, and fall back into Jon, pressing my face into his chest. "I hate myself."

He runs his hand through the back of my hair. "It'll be okay," he reassures. "But, I mean, really though, Brendon. Ethan? Really? Why? That was just stupid."

"I know. I know, okay?" I mumble. "It was dumb, I wish I could go back and just... I just wouldn't have even agreed to see him. I was just..." I pull back, blush, and say, "well, honestly, Jon, no sex. Me, no sex? I was just horny, I wasn't thinking properly. I mean, in a way I should almost be congratulated for stopping him. It took a lot."

Jon laughs. "I bet it did." He looks up at the ceiling and bites his lip. "But, yeah, I have to give it to you, I guess. I mean, if I wasn't getting sex... yeah, shit, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be going insane though, that's for sure."

I crack a smile, and squeeze his bicep playfully. "So, you are getting sex!"

He gives me a cute, lopsided smile, and looks down, blushing. "Well, yeah." He has his moment, smiling and blushing, and being all cute before he looks up, suddenly all serious as he goes, "But don't say anything. Spencer doesn't really want me telling people about our sexual life."

"It's not like I didn't know, Jon. Or like, the rest of the world, mind you. You don't do that great of a job hiding the fact that you two fuck like rabbits on E," I point out.

He shrugs. "Yeah, but still, whatever."

"Ryan's never going to have sex with me." I sigh.

"You never know."

"No, I do. Trust me, Spencer was a whole lot more accepting of this than Ryan's been. It's just been one big mess with Ryan since we started... whatever we are, you know? I mean, he still has a girlfriend. He's had one the whole time we've been together. How fucking pathetic is that?" I groan, and walk over to my bed, then flop down onto it dramatically. "I hate my life."

"Shutup, emo." Jon says, and lays down beside me. "You guys are too freaking adorable together to just, end, you know? You're going to grow old together and adopt millions of little babies, and live in a little house with a white picket fence."

I laugh, and shake my head. "Oh, my BFF, Jon, I love you," I say, and nudge my forehead into his big, comfy warm shoulder. "Even though your boyfriend's a big scary monster." I quickly add in.

He laughs, pulls my head into a headlock, and rubs his knuckles against the top of my head. However, he doesn't deny it.