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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN,
what sequence

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༇ HANA wakes up in a way that immediately ruins the entire morning. Her sheets are tangled between her legs, her top clinging to her chest, and her thigh sticking to the pillow she always ends up spooning in her sleep. The sun comes in too bright through her curtains. Her skin itches. Her scalp feels oily. Her phone buzzes somewhere under her pillow, but she ignores it.

In the mirror, her face looks a little puffier than usual. Her stomach feels bloated and a single zit is forming on the side of her chin. She picks at it. When she brushes her teeth, she stares at her reflection again. Some mornings, she looks in the mirror and feels beautiful. Other mornings, like this one, she feels like a troll.

She puts on a black tank top and oversized jeans she stole from her mom, who is currently trying to feed Sakiko. Chishiya's sipping coffee, scrolling through something serious on his phone, the corners of his mouth turned down like always.

Hana is almost fifteen now– her birthday is just a few weeks away. Nozomi turned fourteen recently and back in January, Kaoru turned sixteen. Baya cried her eyes out, Chishiya was far too proud for some reason, and Kaoru just shrugged.

"Morning," Hana mumbles, grabbing a banana.

At school, everything feels a little too bright. The hallway buzzes with voices and perfume. She passes Kiyoshi in the hallway. He smiles at her, like always, but something feels off. His smile used to be gravity. Now it just feels like a habit.

She doesn't mean to think that. She tells herself not to.

In math, she doodles. Her brain feels foggy. She's been thinking about death lately—not in a scary way. Just in that weird, philosophical, 'what's the point of all this' way. Like, why does everyone pretend things matter so much when everything ends anyway?

Then, she thinks about Kaede. Not on purpose. It's just the memory of yesterday—how calm he looked when he was sparring with Kuina. Something about the way his hair fell in his face when he moved. She thinks about how red his ears got after. About the way he caught her eye and then looked away.

She's more aware of herself in a way that's annoying and distracting and occasionally kind of... nice. Like when she lies in bed at night and feels something fluttery and doesn't exactly know what to do about it. Or when her brain starts daydreaming things she's not sure she's allowed to want. Or when she randomly cries when she thinks about Cinnamon. Or when her dad keeps on trying to understand what exactly Hana is reading every single night. She wonders if Kiyoshi reads that kind of stuff. Probably not.

At lunch, Nozomi's loud about her cramps again and Kaoru nearly chokes. Hana laughs a little too hard. She's grateful for girls like Nozomi.

On the walk home, she's alone for once. She doesn't wait for Kiyoshi, and he doesn't text to ask why. They've been weird since a few months ago. Hana feels uncomfortable in her own skin, let alone being around her boyfriend. Kiyoshi is nice as ever but their conversations just don't feel as natural anymore.

Plus, Hana wouldn't even know what to talk about. Nothing interesting happens in her life and sometimes, she gets too tired to talk, which makes her wonder whether or not she even has a personality.

"Hana!" Sakiko yelps happily the second Hana closes the door. Though she can't read the time, she has memorized who comes home first on what days. It varies. Sometimes Hana, sometimes Kaoru, and sometimes even Chishiya.

Sakiko turned two a few days ago. Looking at her, you'd no longer be able to tell she's a premature baby. It does make Hana think. Sakiko was born at seven months. Does that mean she's technically younger than two, or does that mean she's technically older than other kids her age?

"Hi!" Baya's greeting follows. She places a big kiss on Hana's forehead, who tries to duck but fails. "How was school?"

"Fine," she mutters grumpily. She hates it when her mom asks her this. After school, she feels drained, like her social battery completely ran out. At the same time, she feels guilty for scowling at her mother, because she means no harm and is just interested in her daughter.

"What do you want for dinner?"

"I don't care." Then she disappears up the stairs. Baya shrugs, only vaguely offended– she's met more ignorant people.

Hana spends the rest of her afternoon scrolling on her phone. She'll copy her homework from Google later on, or maybe ask Kaoru for help (he gets so frustrated with Hana that he ends up making her homework by himself).

After dinner–where Baya tells a detailed story about what Sakiko learned today, Kaoru complains about PE, and Chishiya gives dry commentary–, she sits down on the couch and tells her mom an extremely dramatic recap of her day: her energy has made a return.

"...I don't know anymore," Hana sighs. "I mean, I like him, but not like I used to, and it's weird, because I was quite literally still drooling a few weeks ago."

"Break up," Chishiya suggests immediately.

Baya gasps. "Shuntarō! You can't say that. Your daughter is going through hard times."

"I miss the times when you had no right scolding me."

"I've always had the right to scowl you. Do you even remember the things you've done?"

"That's not what I meant," he smart-mouths. "I mean that you're my wife now. Wives can scold. You weren't my wife back then."

"Well, you should work on your phrasing."

"I think you misunderstood because of your dyslexia, not because of my phrasing," he shoots back.

Hana raises a hand. "I also misunderstood."

"And I also have a feeling you have dyslexia."

"Excuse you? I know the meaning of 'orbs' and you don't."

"It's a ball of light that's connected to spirits."

"No, it means 'eyes'."

"I don't know where you got that from, but if I would search the meaning right now, ten other definitions would come up before some ten-year-old kid tries to convince me it means 'eyes' through Reddit."

"It does mean 'eyes'!" Hana insists.

"I think you're the ten-year-old kid from Reddit."

"Shut up. We were having a serious conversation."

"I thought it ended when I told you to break up."

"It didn't end."

"At least end your relationship."

"Dad!"

"Shuntarō!

"Okay," Hana decides. "Now the conversation has officially ended, but I do want to know why Mom always had the right to scowl Dad. What did he do?" She looks at Chishiya. "Mom once said you tried to drown her."

"I was simply testing her lung quality."

"Why?"

"For future reference."

"What does that mean?"

"It's good to know your partner's limits. Breathing, stamina, flexibility, endurance. You never know when you'll need a wife who can hold her breath for two minutes or when those qualities will come in handy."

Hana groans. "Can we go back to talking about my love life, please?"

"Right. Dump the boy. Study his reaction. Observe. Learn. Then move on to someone smarter."

"Like who?"

"Well, statistically, most people."

"Dad!"

"Don't complain. I've had to put up with him for like nineteen years. You don't want to know about the arguments we used to have."

"Did Dad ever even win?"

"When you're married, nobody wins. You just take turns losing."

"Speak for yourself," Baya huffs. "I win every time."

Chishiya raises an eyebrow. "If that helps you sleep at night, dear."

"Sleep?" Baya scoffs. "Not with your snoring."

"Ah," he nods. "So that's why you kick me in your sleep. I thought it was subconscious affection."

Subconscious rage."

Hana's face is caught somewhere between grossed out and intrigued. "You two are weird. Why are you even like this?"

"Because," Chishiya says, "your mother and I believe in communicating. Openly. Honestly. Passionately."

"Stop acting like you made us in a lab," Baya mutters.

"Well, there was a lot of chemistry."

"Shuntarō!" she snaps, blushing.

"See?" he points to her. "Works after all these years."

"There are children present."

"Sorry," Chishiya says with a mock bow. "I forgot I'm surrounded by fragile orbs."

"Your jokes are so stupid," Hana grumbles.

"You know what Dad told me yesterday?" Kaoru replies. "It's insane!"

"Go on."

"He compared not only me, but also his and Mom's relationship to the laundry cycle. What was it again?"

"It starts dirty, gets hot and steamy, and if you don't pull it out in time, everything wrinkles, like Kaoru," Chishiya explains in a serious tone.

Hana looks traumatized. "What."

"Oh my God," Baya groans, motioning at their mugs. "We're not even halfway through our tea."

"Tea is an aphrodisiac if you brew it right," Chishiya says, deadly serious.

"I don't know what that means," Baya points out.

"Neither do I," Hana adds.

"I don't think so, either," Kaoru mutters.

"Good. Don't Google it."

Kaoru already has his phone out, types the word, reads, and then allows his jaw to drop. "You're so weird, Dad."

"I would like to object and say it's just because none of you align with my vibe."

"Do you mean 'match your energy'?" Hana tries. "Stop speaking with those difficult words."

"Yes, that's what I mean."

"And what does the word mean?" Hana tries to peek at Kaoru's phone.

"You don't want to know." Kaoru quickly puts his phone away. "I'm going to bed before Dad traumatizes me even more."

●・○・●・○・●

Several unsure weeks late, Hana and Kiyoshi meet in the park. Kiyoshi's wearing one of his usual leather jackets. He smiles when he sees her. She smiles back.

They sit on the hill under the trees, watching people walk dogs and kids play. It's quiet. She picks at a piece of skin near her thumbnail, peeling it slowly. He sips a can of soda.

"School okay?" he asks.

"Yeah. You?"

"Fine."

Silence again.

Kiyoshi shifts, turning slightly to face her. "It's been... different lately."

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

She opens her mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. "I don't know."

He nods. "I feel like we've been trying too hard."

She looks at him. He's not angry. He's not upset. He's just... being honest. "Yeah," she says. "Me too."

Hana realizes she doesn't feel heartbroken. She doesn't even feel particularly sad. Just... tired. A kind of deep, emotional tired that comes when you've been holding onto something longer than you should.

"I keep thinking," Kiyoshi says, "that if I just keep showing up, things will go back to how they were. But it's not like that."

"No," Hana says. "It's not."

He runs a hand through his hair. "We're different now."

They sit with that. The sun filters through the trees, turning everything gold for a moment. People laugh in the distance, but it feels far away.

"I still like you," he says, "just not in that way anymore."

She nods. "Same."

It's brutal, but it feels like relief, too.

"We don't have to be weird about it," Kiyoshi adds, tentative.

"We can still be friends," Hana says, even though part of her knows that probably won't happen— not in the same way.

"Okay."

He stands up, brushing grass off his pants. Offers her a hand. She takes it.

They walk in the same direction for a while, then split at the intersection without making a big deal of it.

When Hana gets home, she kicks her shoes off and sits on the floor of the hallway for a while, staring at the ceiling. She feels lighter. Sad, maybe, but in a manageable way.

The weight doesn't hit her all at once. She brushes her teeth. She ties her hair up . She even folds a shirt that was slung over her desk chair. She scrolls through her phone and stares at the texts with Kiyoshi.

And then it creeps in. Kiyoshi is no longer her boyfriend. They broke up. She and Kiyoshi broke up. They were together for two and a half years.

The number hits her harder than she expects. She thinks of herself at twelve, sitting beside him on the swings. The jokes they had. The dumb songs.

Suddenly, her throat tightens. She rubs at her face, tells herself she's just tired. But the ache keeps growing. Tears spill before she even realizes she's crying. She stumbles to her feet, wiping at her cheeks. Her mom is visiting another orphanage, so she isn't home. Neither is Kaoru.

She thinks about her dad. For half a second.

And then shakes her head violently. He'd hand her a cookie and a fact about hormones.

She pulls on a hoodie over her pajamas, slides into slippers, and slips outside. The cool air slaps her cheeks.

Usagi. She needs Usagi.

But when she rings the doorbell, it's not Usagi who answers.

It's Arisu, holding a slice of pizza in one hand and a controller in the other. His eyes widen slightly when he sees her. "Oh," he says. "Uh. Yuzuha's out with Souta and Miyu."

Hana tries to say 'Okay,' but it gets stuck in her throat.

Arisu's eyebrows knit. "Do you want to come in? Kaede's home."

At first, she hesitates. But then a crack opens in her composure, and she just nods.

Arisu steps aside without another word.

She climbs the stairs slowly, heart pounding against her ribs now for a whole new reason. She doesn't even knock: Kaede's door is slightly ajar. She pushes it open.

He's on his desk chair, a computer in front of him, a controller also in his hands. His hair's still damp from a shower. His head jerks up the moment she appears.

"Hana?"

Her face crumples. "Can I—" she whispers, but she doesn't even finish the sentence.

Without hesitation, Kaede crosses the room and opens his arms and she crashes into him. Her fists grab the back of his shirt as she buries her face into his shoulder, hot tears soaking instantly through the fabric. "I broke up with him," she gasps. "We broke up. I said it. I meant it, but I, Kaede—"

She cries harder. She's never cried like this in front of him before. "I feel so stupid," she mumbles into his shirt.

"You're not stupid."

"It just... ended." Her knees start to buckle, so he guides her to sit on the edge of his bed. He moves beside her, letting her lean into him.

"I didn't think I'd be this sad," she finally whispers.

He glances down. "It's okay to be sad. Do you want water?"

"No."

"Blanket?"

"No."

"Do you want me to shut up?"

"Maybe."

He smiles just barely. They stay like that for a long while. And eventually, Hana's breathing evens out. Her tears slow. Her grip on his shirt relaxes.

"Sorry." She wipes her nose. "Your mom wasn't home, so..." She shrugs.

"I don't mind. Do you want... eh, something to eat?"

"Do you have castella cake?"

"I don't think so. But I can get it for you if you want." He's already standing up.

Not long after Kaede turned fourteen–a year and a half since he first found out about the boxing club–, people actually started betting on him. He's making money now. Not loads, but enough to get whatever a boy like him desires to buy at the age of fifteen. He's been a part of the club for over three years now.

His parents have stopped asking about the name Shirabi. Kaede never said anything else about him. Aguni, however, still tries to figure out where Kaede got the name from, but Kaede doesn't slip.

"You don't have to," Hana sniffs.

"I want to. Come on."

Together, they make their way to a convenience store nearby and buy the castella cake, one of Hana's favorites. Kaede hands her the entire package directly after they walk out, and Hana finishes the entire thing before they're even back home.

"Now I'm suddenly sad about literally everything," Hana mumbles. "I miss Cinnamon. And I also miss Kiyoshi already, though at the same time, I feel relieved. And I feel bad for Kaoru but I don't know why because Kaoru is stable. Maybe because he'll have to put up with me crying for the next few weeks. And I miss Shion."

"Eh, who is Shion again?"

"A character," she cries out. "Her death was so sad! But most of all, I just miss the idea of having Kiyoshi around."

Kaede doesn't mean to think cruelly, but he does: this is his opportunity. After seven continuous years of yearning, he finally stands a chance. Sort of. Obviously, he won't do anything about it immediately or push, but at least no one will look at him weirdly if he does things that you shouldn't do for girls who have a boyfriend.

"And Dad is definitely going to celebrate this!" She continues, sighing. "I feel like he hates everyone. Who does he like? Mom, Kaoru if he's lucky, me unless I'm talking about boys, Sakiko, Usagi, and Kuina. He denies that he likes Arisu but I'm convinced they're best friends behind the scenes. Yet still, he probably likes cookies and surgeries more than his own children. Except for Mom. He does really, really love Mom. I can see it so well, it's insane! I mean, anyone can see it. Can't you see it?"

"I can see it," he confirms.

"Exactly. Mom is like his number one, cookies take the second place, and tea and books might even be more important to him than I am!"

"That's not true. He cares about his kids a lot."

"I know, I know, I'm just joking." Hana sighs. "Still, Mom goes first. What do you think about that? Who would you put first? Your mom, your wife, or your daughter?"

Kaede thinks about that for a long, long time. "Eh... you tell me first."

"Right now, I'd choose my mom, but when the time comes and I'll be married and have kids... honestly, I have no idea. I don't even know if I want kids. And you?"

"I think... wife first? Then kids, and then my mom. But only when I'm older. Right now, I'd also choose my mom."

"What's your reasoning?"

"Well," Kaede seems even more thoughtful. "I guess you choose your wife, right? You know you'll be living with her for the rest of your life. I think my mom would agree. She would want me to put my wife first because she and Kuina have been raising me and impacting my decision on who I would want to be my wife, you know? Kids are something you and your wife choose to have. If you show your kids you put your wife first, your kids will learn from that and also treat their future partners well. Oh, and that would help them choose the right partner too. They would know to choose a partner that will make you their first priority."

"Don't you think... you get kids to protect them, so you should put them first? And then your mom, because she brought you into this world. Your wife is more... individual? If you get what I mean?"

"I get that, but I don't think so." Kaede sighs. "I guess it depends on your childhood as well. But, without looking at all that, I think I'd choose my wife." A pause. "However, I've been training, and I bet I can at least lift two people at the same time– my next goal should be three. If I have to choose, I can save them all."

Hana hums. "You're so good with words."

His cheeks grow slightly red. "It's just my opinion. You should ask your dad, honestly. I'm curious about his answer. And your mom's."

"Dad's definitely putting Mom first, and then us. His mom died a long time ago. He barely knew her. I can say with certainty that this is what he'll reply."

"And your mom?"

"I think she wouldn't want to answer, because deep inside, she can't choose between Dad and us. And her mom's dead too, so... yeah. Lots of dead grandparents for us."

"Yeah." Kaede chuckles lightly. "Everyone at school keeps talking about how they visited their grandparents, while my dad never talks to Grandpa, and the others are all dead."

"What do you think your parents would choose? Like, husband or wife first, or kids first?"

"Maybe the same as your parents, but I don't know. I don't think Dad would be able to live if even one of us four dies. I think Mom is stronger in that sense, but she also wouldn't be able to choose who to save."

"Makes sense." Hana nods. "Love is so strange, honestly. If you'd take my parents– like, their individual personality, I would never guess they're married, while your parents are just... made for each other."

"I think your parents are made for each other, too."

"I don't know. Mom says she really, really hated him at first, and that he couldn't care less about her. Then the two of them got separated from the rest of the group. That's when their bond started evolving. So if they hadn't been separated... maybe I wouldn't even exist."

"That's strange to think about. Maybe they would've found each other either way."

"Perhaps, but I'm not sure."

"So you don't think they're, like, soulmates?"

"I guess they are, but I can easily imagine Mom ended up marrying a very kind business man while Dad continued living his lonely life. And with your parents, I can't imagine them finding someone else."

"Do you think it's always like that? Your parents' relationship grew very slowly, while my parents practically had love at first sight. Do you think people are only made for each other when it's love at first sight?"

"No, because then I'd still be with Kiyoshi," she admits. "I just think... Mom and Dad had to learn how to love each other. Only when that happened, they became soulmates. Your parents just clicked straight away– they've always been soulmates."

He nods, impressed. "I like that idea."

"I think your dad fell first," Hana goes on, grinning now. "And my mom also did."

"Maybe that's why your father respects my mom so much. They're alike, in some ways. Very tiny ways, but still."

"Yeah," she agrees. "Do you think that's how it works most of the time? That someone always falls first?"

Kaede shrugs. "Probably. I think someone always has to take the first step. But maybe they don't even realize it's love at first. Maybe it's just curiosity."

"Or stubbornness. In my mom's case, she probably loved him before she admitted she even liked him."

He laughs softly. "And your dad just waited her out?"

"Waited, teased, annoyed, protected... you name it. I think it's easier for him to show love through action. Words aren't really his thing. Except when he's being sarcastic."

"Sounds like my mom too."

"And your dad?"

Kaede thinks. "He... surprises me sometimes. He'll just show up at school with my favorite drink if I've had a bad day. Or take me on a walk when I'm overwhelmed. I know he's listening."

"That's sweet."

"Yeah. I think it's easy to forget how much people care when they don't say it a lot."

There's a short silence.

Then Kaede speaks again. "Do you ever think about who you'll fall in love with? Like, not just the idea, but the actual person?"

Hana nods slowly. "Sometimes. I try to imagine what he'll be like. Or she. I'm not sure. But I want them to be kind. Not just to me, but kind to animals, to strangers, to kids. I want to feel safe. I want someone who doesn't make me shrink."

Kaede turns his head toward her. "That's really specific."

"You asked."

He chuckles. "Okay, fair. I want someone I can talk to about things like this. Stuff that doesn't have easy answers. Someone who... makes me want to be better."

Their eyes lock for a second longer than usual.

"Kaede?" she asks.

"Yeah?"

"If we're not married by thirty, do you wanna just marry each other?"

He bursts out laughing, a genuine sound that crinkles his eyes. "Deal."

●・○・●・○・●

🂱 A/N: okay damn it's finally starting

I'm sorry if the breakup felt rushed!! I wasn't 100% sure how to portray it and I can imagine growing apart can either go slow or very fast. So in this case, it went fast. I hope you don't mind!!

Yeah, Kiyoshi will appear in later chapters because spoiler, he goes to the Borderlands as well. I lowkey need more people to go there, though. For example, Kaoru's friends? What kind of characters would you guys like to see in the Borderlands and how would they be connected to the main characters? I can always add new OCs!!

Also, I've been really enjoying writing Alice in Borderlands fanfics. Like, 10/10 experience, 1000/10 readers, and 10000/comments (you guys keep me sane, pls never stop).

Anyway, my point: I will most likely start a new AIB fanfic once Lucid is finished and I've written the second version of act 3 of Sweven.

But oh my gosh who is supposed to be the love interest, I seriously can't decide !!! I won't immediately write another Chishiya one cuz I'm too attached to Baya and Chishiya (what is their ship name??)

Yet Arisu and Usagi are so perfect, I don't want to steal them. Wlw or mlm could also be possibly. I mostly imagine Kuina in that situation :) but idk.

I know too little about Karube and Niragi is just not the type of person I'd write a fanfic about. Sorry Chota and Tatta, y'all are cuties but I don't think I would be able to write a long fanfic about them either? Aguni is too old lmao. I mean, I could, but you get what I mean.

I can also take inspo from one of my other fanfics, in which the OCs are a brother and sister, and they each find a boyfriend— whatever, I'm just philosophizing and need someone else's opinion

Have a good day!!

P.S. — I have 10 tests in one week coming up so I'm sorry if updates get slower, ughhh. Does anyone have tips for my Spanish oral exam? I've had it before but this time, I'm supposed to talk in past tense and actually ask someone else questions instead of only answering them.