CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

NO JUDGEMENT — NIALL HORAN
When you're with me, no judgement
You can get that from anyone else
You don't have to prove nothing
You can just be yourself

THE DRIVE TO the Mercer residence was long, only due to the traffic of Los Angeles. There was a movie being filmed near Alex's neighbourhood and tourists crowded his street, hoping to get a glimpse of whatever A list celebrity was working.

Once they made it to the suburban home, Bobby parked his car in the driveway and opened the trunk. Everyone got out and followed Alex into his house. He led them to his garage and the group started disassembling his drum kit.

Alex looked around the room for a moment before walking over to a metal cabinet. He pulled the top drawer open and sighed when he saw that it was empty. "I'll be back," he said, turning to his friends, "I'm just gonna grab some extra sticks."

The four other teenagers waved him off as Olivia questioned Bobby about Allie Nichols. Alex shook his head at the guitarist as he returned to the main area of his house.

As he walked through the hallways of his home, he expected to take no more than three minutes to return. The last thing he expected was to see his mom hunched over on the couch. He ducked his head into the living room, nodding at Kat who sat in the recliner across the room. "Hey, Mom, I'm just—" His eyebrows furrowed when he saw the saddened look on his mother's face. "Why are you crying?"

The older woman waved him off, sniffling as she did. "Oh, it's nothing," she dismissed. "Don't worry about it."

Alex stepped further into the room, missing the way Kat shook her head at him. He sat next to his mother and gave her a soft, but encouraging, look.

Mrs. Mercer sighed and rubbed her hands over her face. "I just got a call from your aunt," she explained. "Your cousin, Eloise, she's— she's—"

"She's what?" Alex questioned urgently, jumping to the worst conclusion. "Is she okay?"

Across the room, Kat rolled her eyes. "She's perfectly fine."

"No, she's not, Katherine!" Mrs. Mercer exclaimed, shooting her daughter a look.

Alex's eyes flickered between them in confusion. "What happened?"

"She's— Oh, I can't say it!"

Kat eyed her mother before her gaze fell on her older brother. The news of their cousin wasn't a shock and both she and him had spoken about their suspicions. She just felt bad that Alex would have to endure their mom's ignorance for the remainder of this conversation. "Ellie came out as gay and Aunt Carol totally freaked out."

Alex's eyes widened. "Oh."

The two Mercer children shared a look, the secret of Alex's sexuality hanging between them.

"Oh?" Mrs. Mercer repeated in disbelief. She expected her children to be more freaked out than this. "That's all you have to say? Alexander, this is horrible news!"

Kat rolled her eyes again. "She's a lesbian, not dead." She couldn't understand why it was so hard for her mom to accept these sorts of things.

Alex gave his sister a look, silently warning her not to push their mother any further. It's not that he tolerated her homophobia, but he knew that if their mother was to freak out at one of them, he didn't want it to be his sister. With mild hesitation and a lot of anxiety, Alex opened his mouth to say, "I don't— I don't really see what the problem is...."

"Because it—" The woman hesitated, not having a valid reason other than her own misunderstanding. "It's unnatural! It's wrong! God said man and woman!"

"She loves who she loves," Alex defended, feeling great offence by her words. "Why does it matter who it is? At the end of the day, it's still love, right? Isn't that God's whole thing?"

His mom shook her head. "It's not love, it's a sickness." Her eyes flickered between her children in exasperation. "I can't believe neither of you see the severity of this situation. I didn't raise you two to be so— so ignorant!"

"Ignorant," Kat scoffed, turning a cheek. "Right."

"What is that supposed to mean, Katherine?"

Katherine had enough. She was lucky enough that her brother had stopped hate from growing in her heart and she wished that her mother had someone to do the same for her. It baffled her that her mother was so stuck in her ways that she couldn't see how wrong she was. "You're calling us ignorant, but you're the one acting like Eloise liking girls is the end of the world!"

"Are you calling me ignorant?"

Alex shifted uncomfortably in his spot.

"You asked me a question and I answered it!" The twelve year old girl stood from her seat, angered by the conversation and worried about her brother. "She's still Ellie! She didn't change over night! You're just being judgemental! What if one of us was gay?"

There was a pause filled with tense silence. Kat didn't mean to spit out her final sentence and feared for a moment that she might've accidentally outed her brother. A single hint could lead to a full scale interrogation. The slip of a tongue, an outburst of possibility.

Alex, riddled with anxiety, stood from his seat. His gaze locked on the carpeted floor. Mrs. Mercer looked between her children, praying that neither of them would disgrace their family like her niece did.

"I didn't raise either of you to be disappointments."

There was another beat of silence.

"Wow," Kat drawled in disbelief. She glanced at her brother, only to find him staring at the ground in an attempt to avoid further confrontation. She turned back to her mother. "That's A+ parenting right there."

Alex lifted his head as the young girl turned to leave. "Kat—"

"No, Alex!" Kat's outburst rang through the air. She wasn't thinking when she added on to her words, harshly whispering, "How are you not bothered by this?"

Her words struck a chord in him. Of course he was bothered by this. His mother hated people for their sexual orientation and if she knew he was gay, she would hate him too. But he was caught between a rock and a hard place. He had to be careful with his words because he knew if he started to defend the community of which he was apart of, he'd never stop, he wouldn't want to stop. He'd come out right then and there, but he wasn't ready yet. He wasn't ready to be hated by the woman who had sworn to love him more than life itself.

Kat watched as hurt flashed over his features. Guilt seeped in and she was forced to think of it from his perspective. For her it was easy, she could defend whoever she pleased because at the end of the day, she was straight. She had nothing to lose, nothing to risk. Their parents wouldn't resent her if she lost control of her emotions and said something she didn't mean to. But Alex? Alex had everything on the line. If he accidentally let it slip that he was gay in a storm of anger, there was no telling what their parents would do to him. It was a strong possibility that they would kick him out, or worse, disown him completely.

Kat sent him an apologetic look, flooded in regret, then turned to leave the room before their mother could say anything else.

Mrs. Mercer watched them in confusion. "Alex?"

Alex took a deep breath. He was tired. He didn't want to hide who he was anymore and he wanted to stop feeling like a coward. Maybe he wasn't ready to come out to his parents just yet, but defending his brave cousin who was was a good first step.

"Kat's right," Alex said, turning to look at his mom. "She's still Eloise. Nothing changed, she's still the same person she always was."

His mother scoffed. "Kat is a child."

"That doesn't make her opinion less valid."

He turned on his heel and left the room. His hands stopped shaking by the time he entered his room and collected his spark drumsticks. Instead of returning to the garage, he headed to the bedroom down the hall from his and knocked on the door.

There was a small 'come in' from the other side of the door. "Hey," Alex said softly, pushing it open. Kat was sitting on her bed with a frown. "You alright?"

The twelve year old looked up at him and sighed. "I hate it, Alex. She's so infuriating!" Kat sucked in her cheeks and shook her head. "I mean, how can she say all that stuff? It's horrible."

"I..." Alex didn't have an answer to her question. He was wondering the same thing. "I don't know."

Alex sat next to her on the bed and they sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts for a few moments.

"I'm sorry you had to listen to all of that," Kat said suddenly.

Alex turned his head and saw that Kat was looking at him with sadness in her eyes.

A small smile graced Alex's lips and he bumped her shoulder with his. "Thanks for sticking up for Ellie, and me, in a way."

"Do you think you'll ever come out to them?"

Alex shrugged. "Eventually, yeah." His hands fiddled with the drumsticks in his hands. He knew his friends were probably wondering what was taking him so long and Reggie was definitely complaining about being hungry by now.

The blond boy made a silent decision upon the thought of his friends. He was done hiding a piece of himself from the people he cared about.

"Hey," Alex said, glancing at his sister, "you wanna come with me?"

Kat raised an eyebrow. "Where?"

"The band and I are heading to Olivia's house. You can come if you want."

She thought about it for a second. "Is Mikey going to be there?"

"Well, yeah," Alex said in confusion, "he lives there."

"Okay, I'll come." The young girl got up from the bed and walked towards the door. When she saw that her brother wasn't following, she tilted her head to the side. "Are we going or...?"

"Oh, oh, yeah." He pushed off the bed and jogged over to the door.

The two Mercer children entered their garage to see Reggie and Luke wrestling each other on the ground while Bobby and Olivia cheered them on. When the four teenagers noticed their drummer's presence, they froze and the two boys on the ground let go of each other.

Olivia chuckled at them before waving at the blonde girl standing beside Alex. "Hi, Kat."

Kat waved back with an excited grin. "Hey, Olivia!" She thought the older girl was the coolest and she had no idea how her brother managed to befriend her.

Alex rolled his eyes at her, assuming his role as a tired big brother, and looked at Olivia. "Is it okay if she tags along?"

Olivia nodded, remembering the way Kat was the only thing Mikey could talk about after they met at their first performance at Sonny's Diner. "Of course, Mikey could use the company." She didn't miss the way the young girl's cheeks flushed at the mention of her brother.

The group started walking towards Bobby's car, bickering over who would sit on whose lap so they could all fit. Looking around the room, Alex saw that they had finished packing his drum kit and that it was now sitting in the trunk.

"What took you so long?" Bobby questioned as their pace slowed. He sling an arm over his shoulders.

Alex looked at him then turned to his friends and sister. They were laughing over something Kat had said. A small smile came over his face. The group standing in front of him were the most important people in his life.

His gaze met Bobby's again and he pushed his arm off playfully. "I'll tell you about it some other time."

THE GARAGE NEXT to Olivia's house was no longer a barren room of wasted potential. The remainder of the day was spent cleaning up and decorating it to fit their liking. The boxes that once took up space were gone, having been moved to the basement of the house, and there was a new couch pressed up against the wall, surrounded with mismatched chairs, a beanbag chair, and a coffee table they found on the side of the street. The walnut coloured piano had been pushed to the side of the room, Alex's drums were set up right under the loft, and all of their guitars were placed on their stands.

It wasn't much, but it was theirs. They had all the time in the world to make it feel more like home.

Currently, the band was sitting around, bouncing ideas off each other for their Christmas formal gig. Sylvia had returned home about two hours ago and took the two twelve year olds into the house with her. Olivia sat on the couch, propping her legs on the table, Luke sat next to her with his arm laying across the top of the back rest, Reggie sat in front of them on one of the lone chairs, Bobby was up on the loft, and Alex was sitting behind his drums.

"Okay," Reggie said, staring at the ceiling, "what about a rock cover of Silent Night?"

"Not gonna lie," Olivia chuckled, "that actually sounds kinda sick."

Groans sounded around the room as Reggie sat up in his seat and pointed excitedly at the girl. "Right?"

"No," Bobby said, shaking his head, "absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"There are so many Christmas songs that are better than Silent Night."

"Like what?"

"Jingle Bell Rock, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer, Santa Baby, to name a few."

"What about Baby, It's Cold Outside?" Luke questioned. "But like rock edition."

Olivia sighed. "Well, if we're going to do a rock cover, we need to decide our setlist soon so we have enough time to work out the arrangement."

Alex didn't say a word. His eyes swept over the room, landing on each of his friends for a moment before moving onto the next. His words from the night they spend around Reggie's fire pit came back to him. The people in front of him were his best friends, his family. He felt like he had known them forever despite only meeting three months ago. They made him feel safe.

But of course, the small voice in Alex's head whispered that they didn't like him as much as they said they did.

They won't look at you the same once you come out.

They'll kick you out of the band.

They'll hate you.

Upon a second glance, almost as if the voice was playing on a CD player, the volume of its venomous words decreased. The anxious worrying that plagued his mind was drowned out by the other part of him, the more assured part of him, the one with complete faith in the people around him. His friends would never do what he feared they would. Just looking around the room he could tell that this was a place of acceptance.

Olivia's warm laugh and reassuring smile.

Luke's bright eyes, never passing judgement through them.

Reggie's childlike innocence and the wonder in his voice.

The way Bobby cared more than he showed and hid it with sarcasm.

These were his friends. His best friends. They cared to no end and he was ready to share who he was with them.

"I'm gay."

Alex's eyes widened and he dropped his drumsticks. They clattered on the ground, sounding louder in the stunned silence.

Oh shit.

He didn't mean to blurt it out. He was going to tell them over Sylvia's baking or take them to the beach or something. Not drop a bomb in the middle of band practice.

The silence prolonged and his panic set in.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

"What?" Olivia asked, wondering if she heard him right. She glanced over at Luke for confirmation and he gave her a curt nod, having already known the boy's sexuality.

Bobby slowly made his way down from the loft. "You're...?"

"Wait, wait, wait." Reggie turned to Alex, waving his hands in front of him. "Just to be clear, you mean gay as in liking dudes right? Not happy, 'make the Yuletide gay' gay?"

Alex shifted awkwardly on the drum stool and scratched the back of his neck. His eyes eyes flickered over to Luke, hoping for a silver of reassurance to ease his anxiety. He was met with a soft smile and a gentle nod. "Yeah, I, uh... like dudes," he confirmed. His leg started to shake. "And I thought I should tell you guys because you're my best friends and I didn't want to keep it in anymore, I couldn't and I completely get it if you kick me out—"

"Alex," Olivia called softly, interrupting his rambling. She stood from her seat and made her way across the room to hug the boy. "You don't have to explain anything. Not to us."

Alex looked around the room and saw that his friends were all looking at him with proud twinkle in their eyes and a smile to match. Confusion spread over his features.

"You're not mad or anything?"

"Not at all." Reggie moved to stand closer to him. "Why would we be mad?"

"Yeah, man." Bobby nodded. "You're still the same Alex you were ten minutes ago."

Alex tilted his head to the side. "You don't think I'm a disappointment or a-a freak or anything?"

Reggie gave the blond drummer a look. "Alex, you fold your socks. If anything makes you a freak, it's that. Not you being gay."

There were a few lighthearted chuckled as Alex physically deflated in relief. He rested his head on Olivia's shoulder, feeling the familiar sting in the corner of his eyes as his emotions started to get the better of him.

"Thanks for having the courage to tell us." Olivia pulled away, but her hands remained on his shoulders. "Do your parents know?"

Alex shook his head profusely. "No, no, they don't. Kat knows though."

Luke stood from the couch and made his way over to Olivia's side. He gently patted Alex's shoulder and gave him his signature smile. The boy had come a long way from when they first met each other. Back then, he was a shy kid just figuring out who he was and what he liked. Now, he was more sure of himself. It was a fulfilling thing to see Alex grow as a person. "We've got your back, Alex. Always."

Bobby and Reggie walked over and once they were close enough, Olivia opened her arms and gestured for them to hurry up. "Group hug!" she exclaimed, pulling all the boys into an embrace.

They pulled away chuckling. Just as Alex was about to shoo them away so he could wipe away the tears that had pooled in his eyes, Bobby turned to Luke.

"Wait, Luke, why weren't you surprised?"

Luke's mouth fell open and he looked to Alex for help.

"He already knew," Alex said, wiping the back of his hand under his eye.

Olivia looked between them in confusion. "You did?"

"Yeah..." Luke was nervous. He wasn't sure how Olivia would react and he hoped that she didn't view him in a different light. Whatever unspoken thing they had going on between them was becoming more intense by the day and it would be a shame to have it end. "Alex and I sort of dated last year."

Reggie's jaw dropped and he looked like his favourite show just came onto the TV. "Whoa, no way!"

Bobby's eyebrows furrowed. "Wait, are you gay...?" His gaze rapidly flickered between Alex, Luke, and Olivia.

Luke shook his head and glanced down at Olivia who had yet to say a word. "No, I like girls too," he said quickly, probably a little too quickly. "I don't know, I like whoever I like... If we click, we click. It doesn't really matter to me what they are, I guess. I don't know what that's called."

Olivia nodded with her eyebrows raised. There was a small smile on her face that extinguished any flame of fear Luke had. Because the truth was, Olivia held no judgement. Her friends could get that from anywhere else, but not from her. Never from her. "I'm learning so much today." She gave her friends another smile before pulling them in for a second hug.

"I love you guys."

The four boys squeezed each other tighter, echoing the words back to each other.

When they pulled away, Alex, who was still very emotional from what just happened, waved his friends away. "Okay," he sniffed. "Let's get this setlist done."

RAE SPEAKS !
the rest of sunset curve @ alex: