[surprise, surprise!
Azaan and Sawera couldn't part from me and requested me to drive them through a few more stations of their life.]

"Kitchen mein?" I hear Azaan finally home.

Abyan chirps about how I'm making him his favorite halwa and I slowly fall in love with Azaan even more.

"Tum apni farmaaishein apni mama ko sunaaya karo."

"Kyun? Mama ko nahin aata."

"Mama seekh lein gi."

Abyan waits for a while before replying adamantly, "Main phir bhi Sawera se hi kahoon ga,"

"Sawera?"

"Chaachi," Abyan sighs.

"Tumhaari chaachi hone se pehle woh meri biwi hain, yaad rakho."

I laugh and lower the heat of the stove to go out, but Azaan catches me midway and pushes me to the fridge.

"Azaan,"

"Sawera," He puts his arm over the fridge and looks at me intently.

I look into his eyes as he smirks, "Stop troubling Abyan."

"Huh? He's the one troubling me. What does aap kitchen mein nahin jaa sakte kyun ke Sawera wahaan hai mean? And what the fuck have you been doing in Palwasha's room for the last two nights? You've come back home after so long why are we not spending time together?"

"After what? So long? I went to my parents' for a week. That's nowhere as long as four years so-"

"-so," he kisses my cheek and trails kisses downwards, "I've missed you so much."

I gently take a hold of his head before it reaches my neck and he nibbles my jaw as I explain, "Palwash-"

We both look down after hearing Abyan's gasp and he screams running out, "Mama, come look at what chaachu's doing to Sawera!"

Azaan looks up at me with wide eyes and I push him away defensively.

Azaan runs out and I quickly open the fridge to pull out a bar of chocolate. I run behind him, "Azaan,"

He slows down to look at me and catches the chocolate when I throw it to him, "Abyan!"

~~~

"When am I going to get rid of Shahrukh Khan and his movies?" Azaan joins us as well.

Palwasha's grown a huge affection for Shahrukh Khan and I can't blame her. And Shahrukh Khan in his 30s? Ouf.

We both sit down and binge watch movies all the time.

Today we decided to show My Name Is Khan to ammi but everyone ended up joining us and it got a bit awkward in the beginning but they all liked it.

"Bhai must think the same." I nudge Palwasha and her face goes crimson red in no more than two seconds.

Azaan asks what he himself asked, since he's getting old and his memory is growing shorter, and I shake my head.

He sighs, "Palwasha-"

"-No bhai, I don't know what she's talking about I promise,"

Azaan stares at her in confusion. Everyone stares at her, including Abyan.

"Phuppo, chaachu didn't even say anything yet."

Poor Palwasha, her hands get sweaty.

"Sawera," Azaan tilts his head to the side and gets up.

"Azaan,"

I didn't want to leave the movie but the trick of ignoring him doesn't work.

And I thought he was calling me to the side to talk about something but he walks up the stairs.

"Azaan?"

He looks behind,

"I'm not going to the room," I walk back towards the movie but he drags me up.

I whine the whole way there but once in the room I thank God. The cramps kick in bad after I sit down on the bed.

Azaan talks about how I don't give him any time at all and complains assuming that I've grown used to not being with him while I open the drawer of my sidetable and take the painkillers out.

The jug of water is on his side and he quickly pours me water after figuring out something's wrong.

"Period cramps." I answer after putting the glass back down.

He stares at me, "You're on your period? Now? Could this not have finished when you were at your parents'?"

"Do I get to decide it?"

"What were you doing with Palwasha then? Why were you sleeping in her room when you knew it was com-"

"-Azaan, it's most probably the last day. It had already started when I went to Pal-" I hold my head down.

"Sawera? You're not okay." I hear a weird ringing and look up to see Azaan calling the doctor, "Hello Dr.-"

"-Yaar Azaan cut the call, please" he only listens after a lot of pleading and I swear I feel like killing him at one point.

I lie down and he's right it shouldn't pain so much on the last day.

"You know what? Just get through this one then we'll get rid of your cramps."

It takes me a second. When I get it I roll my eyes. "Right, for nine months and then the pain of childbirth, then back to it again and probably even worse due to the postpart-"

"-You won't go through it to see a mini Sawera or Azaan?"

I'm so frustrated right now, I'd throw him out of the window but I love him.

~~~

"Sawera!" He comes in the kitchen running and I stop him on the door but he doesn't listen to me, "What was that noise?"

The anger in his voice makes me close my eyes for a second.

"The casserole dish broke-"

He inspects me to see if I'm hurt anywhere, "-Who the fuck asked you to make breakfast so early in the morning-"

"-Azaan, I wanted to. Lindsay, please leave for a while." I know how beastly Azaan's anger is so I tell the servants to get out as I bend down to pick the big pieces of glass.

Azaan pulls me up and gestures Lindsay, she quickly gets to the sweeping.

"Sawera, you're not coming in the kitchen ever again unless bhabhi or ammi are around." He speaks in a calmer tone.

"Lindsay leave." I take the broom from her hands.

"Sawera you're not-"

I put my hand on Azaan's chest to look at Lindsay, she looks at Azaan and leaves.

"I'm no child-"

"-You are not. using. the kitchen. unless someone's around." He repeats himself.

I roll my eyes and bend down to pick the piece of glass but he pulls me up wording a few angry expressions and I pick up the knife to hold it against his neck. He walks back a few steps until his bottom touches the countertop and he leans behind, "What the fuck."

"Shut up, right now."

I didn't mean to, but in a hurry I picked up one of the sharpest knives.

He looks at me with dark anger still buried in his hazel orbs.

"This is my house and I'm using the kitchen the bathroom the living room, whatever I want whenever I want- Do not speak." I press the plain side of the knife closer to his skin when he tries to scold me, "This house is mine and so are the servants. Tell them one fucking last time that I have more authority in these matters or I'll fire them all."

He looks at me for a while, as if asking for permission to talk, then starts without me giving him any, "Sawera, I'm not going to-"

"Ssh. Sit down on the breakfast table and wait. And stop ruining my mood all the time I was going to cook you your-" I groan.

I'm in no mood anymore.

He calmly pushes my arm back but I press it further, the knife's point now touching his skin. "Learn to handle your anger without ruining anyone's mood,"

He probably has a problem and should go to the therapist and that reminds me of how kind he was with me when I needed one so I feel a bit selfish but he also deserves it. He had four years to think of faults in himself and he didn't even try to fix anything.

"Go tell the servants I have the upper hand here." I take the knife off.

"You don't."

I throw the knife in the sink next to him, startling him, and walk outside to see abbu. I wanted to talk to Izyan bhai but better.

"Assalamualeikum abbu. Innh sab servants se kahein aaj se Azaan ki koyi baat nahin maan'ni aur Sawera ki koyi baat naa maani toh kaam se nikaal diye jaaein ge."

"Waaleikumassalaam," he doesn't ask any questions, he puts in a queue every servant in the house including the guards, drivers and gardeners and clearly instructs them to never upset me, and to never listen to Azaan if his demands contradict mine.

I thank him and raise my brows at Azaan with a victorious smirk.

"Abbu, that's not fair." Azaan complains.

"Keh diya naa Azaan? Bas keh diya."

Azaan looks at me and his head slightly hangs in disappointment. He looks as cute as Shahrukh Khan did in Bole Churiyaan's scene where Kajol gives him a violent gesture, if not more.

Abbu gives me blessings and leaves after warning Azaan to not trouble me.

Azaan glares at me and leaves for office without having breakfast.

Agh.

~~~

I knock on the door and enter the meeting room in the middle of a meeting.

Azaan looks at me and I pray he doesn't get distracted and forget his point because that would make him really mad.

But the meeting is almost over and it surprises me to know that the other party knows me. They shake hands with him with a smile and I do adaab before they even proceed to ask for my hand.

I see the austerity in Azaan's eyes cooling and fading down because of that one action of mine.

The rest of the members leave as well and Azaan gets up and walks to me while watching them close the door.

"What are you doing here?" His voice is sweeter than in the morning.

"You don't like your wife bringing you tiffin?"

His eyes go to the wall clock.

"You didn't have breakfast and I felt bad. I didn't feel sorry though, you deserved that. But I love you."

He grimaces and walks to his office.

He finishes eating and swishes some mouthwash before coming back and sitting on his desk to sign a file.

I take a piece of paper and after he's closed the file, I push his seat away to sit on his lap.

"Azaan, you know I've-"

"-Sawera it's been months and I've said nothing to you but bhabhi doesn't seem to have the guts to start such conversations. You need to gain more weight, this is not healthy-"

I get up, "-Don't."

I wasn't expecting that.

I thought twice before sitting on his lap but just out of the permanent mental scars left behind by the eating disorder.

I never thought he would discuss it again.

"I warned you not to talk about it."

"Sawera jaanam," he takes my hand in his and looks up convincingly, "it's not healthy. Not for you, not for our future."

I nod and leave.

I'm not thinking of it. It ruins my mind. I'm not doing anything to my body again.

~~~

I'm taking a nap when he comes back home and I sleep for a bit more until he changes.

"Chaachi, wake up!" Abyan comes to the room.

"Abyan," I hug him and put him on the bed next to me, then tap him to put him to sleep.

He takes the duvet and covers himself with it.

"Don't tell mama." He whispers.

"Ok," I whisper back.

"Why are you sleeping?" He asks and I nod, too tired to answer any questions.

"Abyan?" I hear bhabhi worried and Abyan gasps and closes his eyes after putting a hand on my lips.

I remove his hand, "What did you do?" I whisper.

He hyperventilates and dances with his whole body telling me to keep quiet.

Azaan comes out of the washroom after freshening up and watches Abyan pulling the duvet all over his head. I get up and go out.

"What did he do?" I ask bhabhi.

"Where is he?" She takes my hands in hers and asks all worried.

"He's in my room with Azaan, don't worry."

Bhabhi rushes to my room.

I think it's going to be awkward when Azaan and I decide to have children. This whole house is crazy.

Bhabhi's an overprotective mum too and I think I'd try not to be but I'd end up being overprotective in some matters too.

I follow her and listen to her sigh in relief when Abyan hides from her behind Azaan.

"Abyan what are you doing here?"

"Sawera's not chaachi, she's a cheater."

Oops.

Bhabhi gasps, embarrassed, "Abyan!"

"Ssh, bhabhi it's okay."

"It's not. I told him to go sit and learn his Quraani Qaidah lesson but he's here hiding and having fun after troubling his mum. I'm not going to talk to you, Abyan."

"Noo, I'm sorry." He cutely says panicking.

I hate how he panics. He's so small. His whole little face drains color. He runs to hold his mum's hand.

"No matter where you hide just don't leave the house, okay? And don't hurt yourself." Bhabhi instructs him calmly and he nods still sad.

I kneel down to his level, "I'm sorry, Abyan. You didn't tell me why you were hiding here."

"But I said don't tell mama." He says as he leaves holding bhabhi's hand.

I get up to go to him but Azaan stops him, "Don't go, he won't read his Qaidah."

He was so upset, I feel bad for him. I'll go kiss him after freshening up, InShaAllah.

I go to the washroom.

~~~

"Are you still upset with me?" Azaan asks when I get back to the room with Abyan after playing with him.

"No," stop reminding me of it, Azaan, "look at what we made."

Abyan runs to Azaan and shows him the two pieces of play doh art he made.

"This is you, and this is Sawera."

"I only helped him with the details, he made it all himself." And they're so pretty, Abyan's so talented for a five year old.

Azaan watches the dolls made out of clay and I go sit on the bed, feeling uneasy.

"Why is Sawera's skin normal and mine red?" Azaan asks and Abyan covers his mouth while laughing.

"Because I made chaachi, and phuppo said whenever you're with her your face is red.

"What?" Both Azaan and I ask.

"He's such a li-mmmh," I stop myself from using such words in front of him. "I mean he's joking. Palwasha never said that. This is not why he made you red? Abyan you told me you made him red because he's always angry."

"Yes."

"Yes what?" Azaan comes and picks him up, "Why did you say that to me?"

I get up and go to the washroom.

What did I eat?

Azaan walks in and holds my hair as I vomit it out. It's so embarrassing, and uncomfortable too, but he never understands no matter how many times I tell him.

I thank God when he helps me instead of stopping me.

He prepares my mouthwash and leaves after making sure I'll be able to do it alone.

He's sitting on his desk.

"Take the tablet." His voice is monotonous and I groan guessing what could be wrong with him.

I sit down and gulp it with water.

I turn the lamps on and switch the lights off before I go to Azaan and interrupt his work.

"Why did you do that?" He asks.

"Huh?" I knew he'd think that. "I didn't. I know you think I got self-conscious after your comment and did it on purpose but I promise I didn't even think much of it-"

"Then do think of it. You need to gain some weight. Your period dates are close and I don't think you're getting one this time."

"Huh?"

"Yea." He pulls me down on his lap. "If you didn't do it on purpose-"

"-It's motion sickness, I felt dizzy after sitting in the car. I'm fine now."

I get up and pull a small fluffy blanket out of the closet, then go sit back on his lap and show him what I wanted to show him in the afternoon.

"I learnt how to read Arabic in the past few years and yesterday I tried writing in Arabic and Urdu and my handwriting isn't as bad as I thought it would be."

أَذَان

"Beautiful." He takes the pen from me.

سویرہ

"Aww," I rest my calves up on the desk and we play tic tac toe.

I get bored of the draws. "You're not as kind as you once were. You should've let me won once."

Not as kind? Areeb? Oh and Abeer?

We went to Ramsha and Rehan's last weekend and met their little baby girl.

I'm supposed to meet Neeti and Samia this weekend but I don't feel like leaving the house.

Azaan kisses and playfully tugs my earlobe with his teeth to bring my attention back to the game.

Dots and boxes.

He leaves the pen and his hands circle around my waist as he pulls me closer.

I raise my hand up till his jaw and kiss his cheek, then turn and hide my face in his neck.

"Why are you so soft today?" He asks and I just laugh pulling the blanket and closing my eyes.

~~~

I walk to Azaan after Fajr and help him with the tie.

He doesn't stand still. He moves his neck to me and kisses the end of my jaw.

"Azaan, would you still kiss me with this much love if I-"

"-Yes, I would."

"If I g-"

"-Yes, I would jaanam."

How do I tell him?

~~~

I find the easiest way out without embarrassing myself.

Sawera:
get me a pregnancy kit on ur way home

Azaan:
Swear to God.

Sawera:
:/

~~~

I open the door and Azaan looks up at me with fear twinkling in his eyes, "what?"

I look behind me -at the pregnancy test sitting near the sink- and back to him, then nod.

His breath stops and he almost crashes me into a hug but then blinks an uncountable amount of times, "no and what do you want?"

I take a few more steps out and close the door of the bathroom behind me. I try to say it but I can't. I fan my eyes and cheeks as tears start to roll in.

"Yes but I ca-"

Azaan turns my whole world upside down while spinning me and screaming all his dreams.

My hand goes up to his lips and he puts me down, "Azaan ke bache-"

"-Yea that's what I'm saying, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO-"

"-No! Zero extra care and no nuisance please. Oh my God, we're really- now what? You know what we should do? What what if we don't tell them until she or he's born? Can we say we adopted them? I don't know. I can't go- How will I face your family- my family! They still think of me as a child how am I being so immodest-"

"-Saweraghh!!"

- A Z A A N -

We pray all the surahs and duaas we know.

"I swear I hate doctors so much," says every person that needs to visit doctors every day.

Just the way abbu loves sweets but isn't allowed any.

I don't know what I'm saying.

"We've done this before."

The first ultrasound was so hard. I had never been so nervous in my life. Probably only when Sawera was in the hospital after that horrible incident.

But the complications caused by her disorder made the nervousness worse.

We decided not to tell anyone until the second trimester but it all frightened me and I told ammi all about it.

Bhabhi figured it out by the way ammi took care of Sawera and the pregnancy glow on her face, but no one other than them knows anything.

I prayed for it all to be normal and end up in a happily forever after but Sawera's morning sickness worsened, and now I'm scared to death.

I look behind to stabilize myself and then watch the screen.

I'm unable to identify anything but both Sawera and the doctor see something.

The furrowed brows of the doctor make me feel dizzy, I can't imagine Sawera.

And another doctor is called in along a nurse.

I close Sawera's eyes and she doesn't remove my hand.

~~~

"There's a good news and a bad news," Dr. Eve sits down and puts her steeple fingers up on the desk.

Sawera stands up, ready to leave. "The good news first and no bad news for me, let that be for Azaan only." I look at the selfish lady whom I call my wife.

Dr. Eve doesn't look quite happy and I'm not ready for the bad news either. I stand up as well and clear our way.

Who knows? Perhaps we're both running out after hearing the good news.

"The good news is, we have detected four fetuses in the uterus. Which means you are carrying four buns in your oven-"

"-You're joking," I hear what seems like Sawera's voice.

Dr. Eve nods, "Sit down, you are pregnant with quadruplets-"

"Sawera!" I hold her up and tap her cheeks.

I move her to the chair, completely bewildered from the information given by the doctor and the scene in front of me. It feels like a dream. Or a nightmare. I don't know.

Sawera clutches onto my coat, her face all sweaty at this point and her eyes struggling to stay open.

She looks stunning nevertheless and I kiss her temple while feeling the shadow of the doctor roaming around the room and instructing me something I cannot get myself to hear in between all these loud thoughts.

~~~

We walk inside the house and bhabhi raises a brow at Sawera's wild appearance.

Ammi fills the silence with questions. Many of them.

Sawera looks at me still as out of place as she was in the hospital and carries herself upstairs.

I sit down, "Ammi don't get excited," And I know she will and she'll build up scenarios in seconds, so I start from the bad news, "We'll have to abort at least three of them. We're having quadruplets."

Ammi's face drained all color after the word abort but then her head lowered and eyes went up suspiciously, "Jaan ke kar rahe ho."

"Nahin, mazaak nahin kar rahaa. Lekin Sawera ko nahin pataa abbhi. Aur usse pareshaan kiye baggeir bataaun kaise yeh samajh bhi nahin aa rahi."

Ammi looks down in confusion, unable to understand if she should be happy or...

I don't know how Sawera will react to it.

Bhabhi pats my back and leaves.

I sigh and go upstairs to see Sawera unfolding a hijab.

My steps slow down and she looks at me through the mirror. She puts the hijab down on the vanity table.

"Sawera-"

"-I know what the bad news is," she looks behind her, at me, and I walk to her to kneel down, "but it isn't that bad, is it?"

I try not to breakdown sobbing, but a small wheeze leaves my chest, "it is that bad."

Her lips quiver, "No, but we'll pray and it will all get fixed. I won't be able to do that, Azaan. I already love them too much. I can't imagine- If, if it's about me-"

"-No, it's impossible for all of them to cosurvive-"

"-Not impossible, Azaan, we'll pray. It'll all-"

"-Yes it InShaAllah will, but just for one. And that too seems difficult."

I do not want to stress her out by talking about food but it could all have been so so much easier if she was at a healthy weight.

"One? One seems difficult?" she wipes my tears before I even notice them and I nod. "But-..."

We both go silent.

"Selective reduction?" she asks after a while, "The name itself is so horrendous how can one do that to their children? How will I do that to my children. It's Ramadan, Azaan. I'll tell everyone, we'll have everyone pray, I don't know, you're fasting, your prayers will-"

"But what if not? What if? You need to keep yourself ready for however Allah tests us. Whatever happens will be by Allah's will and we'll accept it. Promise me you won't stress out about it."

"Right? I think Allah did it on purpose. He knows I'd make a great mother, that's why he gave us- we're not, not at all taking any such step. I know I'll make a great mama."

"We need to go for the tests the day after tomorrow."

"Yea, anything can change in two days. Get up, go do wudu. I know it'll all end up alright."

I nod and get up after kissing her temple.

~~~

The tests had no different results.

I stay up until sehri time and I know she's awake as well but I don't know how to convince her. Since afternoon she's only been repeating that she's not going to go anywhere tomorrow.

She gets up and I turn the lamps on.

"The washroom?" I ask.

"No. The hell."

"What?"

"I'm leaving the house and I'm never coming back. The only reason I was here was because I knew my children needed a father figure. But you have no fatherly quality in you. You've already killed people. It's normal for you. All you are for them is a danger and I don't want-"

"You don't want WHAT, Sawera?" I get up, "What do you not want? How are you deciding this alone? They are not your children-"

"-They are my children because you don't want them."

I don't want them?

When no answer goes from my side and the ping pong of words stops, she thinks it twice and gives up.

"You are risking the life of all of them and yours. If losing three saves one, it's still-"

"Don't. Don't say it's not that big of a loss. The loss is equal. This is no business, there's no logic behind this. Don't come to me with such businessmen lines." she sits down on the chair.

She takes a difficult breath in, "Why are all types of permanent scars meant for me? I am still not over the eating disorder phase, it still troubles me. This scar," she looks at her wrist, "it's staying here forever. And now... how will I? How will I not think of what life could be? Twenty years from now I'll still think I could have saved them. At least one more? And which one?" she laughs, "How fucked up. Which one? Who do we kill and who do we save? How do I forgive myself for not being able to save the rest?"

~~~

She takes a shower after sehri to cool down and I sit on the bed and listen to her sobs coming from there.

~~~

She gets ready and I watch her sit on the bed all disheartened.

I let her take her time and she does try her best. She wears her sneakers and pushes her hands down on the bed to help her get up but then looks at me all helpless.

"Yaar Sawera, we got this." I walk to her and pick her up, "Only what Allah wants will happen. If he doesn't want this he'll somehow stop us on our way, but till then just think you're saving a baby. And if it's one, it's the only one meant to be."

She moves her eyes towards the stairs as I carry her down, and I don't know how she'll get over this. It's hard as fuck for me, I can't imagine it for her.

I drive at a slow pace and at every signal she prays for a traffic jam but in vain.

She nervously looks at me before the nurses separate us and I beg Allah to not have this happen this way.

But it ends up happening.

The nurse looks up, "They are in the same level of health. How do we-"

"Randomly." Sawera answers.

I nod to the doctor.

"We can't do that-"

"-C and D." Sawera replies. "Two. Just two," she tries to be strong but her voice breaks, "I can't do any more than that." and her hands shake as she signs the papers.

I kiss her forehead and pull her in a hug right after.

"I can't even do this, how unfair have I been to the two for not even giving them a chance-?"

"-Ssh, it's okay. It's okay. It was meant to happen."

We're having twins.

I can't say don't save another, I leave it on Allah. If it's meant to be it will happen but this seems right, right now.

The fetuses are identified, potassium chloride is injected in their hearts, the hearts stop and so do mine and Sawera's.

The procedure ends in a while and I lovingly take Sawera with me till the car.

"Alhamdulillah." She says and my eyes go to her to make sure it indeed is Sawera. "InShaAllah we'll raise them right. The other two are under Allah's protection and we don't need to worry for them at all."

This was not expected from her.

"I don't know, I actually feel better." she says and God knows how, maybe because of the connection Allah has built between us, but her words comfort me to such an extent, I can't get myself to worry even if I try.

"You're absolutely right."

"Yea, we'll think of the two whose responsibility Allah has given to us."

It eases the misery so much. It feels like nothing went wrong. We lost a bit, but only for the good.

We both sit in the living room and tell everyone about it. Her mood's so much lighter.

~~~

I hear Sawera crying and wake up.

She sees me and sobs even more.

"Sawera? What's wrong? I'm here, don't worry. What happened? Don't tell me you're overthinking. Jaanam, I love you. And you're doing so well, Alhamdulillah. Not just me, our children will love you soo much. Don't think anything negative, I'm here with you and I'm always going to be here. It's all going to be alright. Don't worry. You've put on such little weight it doesn't even show, I swear-"

"-Azaan," she gestures to the TV, "I'm watching Hum Tumhaare Hain Sanam."

I close my eyes to cool down, "Agar pehle hi movie lagaayi huyi thi toh mujh se dialogues kyun bulwaaye?"

She smacks my arm, "Khud bole tum ne."

I lie down and turn the TV off, "So jaao."

She shifts closer and puts her head on my chest, then breathes heavily. I open my eyes and look at her to make sure she's fine.

"This is so uncomfortable at this point," she moves back, "but I can't sleep on the pillow, you've got me into a very bad habit. Get me another duvet."

I look at her baby bump and laugh as I get up to grab another duvet for her.

I kiss her puffy wet eyes but she's in no mood of romance.

She asks me to go back on my side of the bed and once I'm there, —pushed to the edge,— she accommodates herself horizontally, turning my chest into a pillow for herself.

I mentally shake my head, surprised how she comes up with the weirdest ideas and go to sleep.

I'm midway asleep when I hear her,

"I can't believe you love me. I can't believe you're happy with having two mini mixes of you and me. I never thought this would happen."

~~~

"Azaan," she wakes me up to satisfy another craving of hers.

"Sawera, five minutes."

"Azaan, no, I'm in pain."

I open my eyes. "You're in what?" I sit up.

"In labor, I think."

I shake my head, assuring her that she's mistaken, yet I get up and pick the bag we prepared.

I take my phone and run my hands through my hair and all over my face to wake up.

"You're not in labor, are you?"

She shakes her head.

Good. I'm not prepared at all.

I run to the closet to change my clothes.

"Azaan," she breathes in and out.

"Haan? Sawera don't play with me." I ask her as I roll my sleeves getting out of the closet.

She watches my casual wear and thinks twice but doesn't feel like changing out of her silk short pajamas. "Help me," she puts her hand out and I quickly help her up. "Can we go out to take a stroll?"

It's not even Fajr yet but I nod and help her wear a robe. A maternity robe. My Sawera wearing a maternity robe.

I take the bag with me. It's not been an easy pregnancy and premature birth is totally possible. The due date isn't that far anyway.

"Sagging breasts, weight gain, back pain, childbirth pain, vaginal tears, bleeding, vaginal stitches, stretch marks, the permanent changes in the body... The I'm never going for all that Sawera really going for all that." She herself laughs at it.

I smile and kiss her nose as I help her down the stairs.

"I can't-ah, Azaan."

I look up at her and her pained face tries to breathe in and out.

"Sssh okay, calm down, one last stair."

"No, I can't-" she sighs and gets down.

"All alright?"

She nods and I guess she doesn't realize it but I sit her in the car.

We've read enough books over this.

"If this is- Sawera, I'm not prepared." I get inside the car.

"No, no, no it's not. Don't worry."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm still surprised this is going to happen, I mean InShaAllah but what? How? These-"

"The question is when?"

"These two people never existed and now they're going to get a soul blowed in them. Or has that already happened? I-"

"What has already happened?"

"I'm giving birth to-"

"-No you're not? Sawera are you sure? Don't joke with me I swear it's not pleasant."

"Azaan shut up yaar. A mini Azaan and a mini Sawera, how-" she covers her face and throws her head back. "Drive. Drive faster. Drive to the hospital Azaan, ah fuck, noo. I don't think I can do this. Bismillah, I can't,"

I call bhabhi,

"Breathe breathe breathe, Sawera breathe in, breathe out."

She tries her best to calm down and achieves the calm much faster than me.

I keep panicking until bhai picks the phone up.

"I was such a piece of shit at bhabhi's time, wasn't I?" Sawera asks with an embarrassed laugh.

And I blink my eyes towards bhai's voice asking what's wrong so late at night, "Huh? Sawera, we're out, she woke up and we grabbed the bag, she said she's not in labor but she's confused- give the phone to bhabhi."

She takes the phone from my hands and puts it on speaker, "I think I'm going to- how do you survive this?"

Sawera's voice is so calm, I don't understand how.

"Sawera, you're going to be okay. Tell Azaan to-"

"-Bhabhi I'm cutting the call, I'm fine I need silence I can't talk."

She cuts the call and asks for silence from me too.

"Is your blood pressure high?" I get up and fix her seat, "Sssh, try to rest-"

"-Right? This is the only time I can get to rest before this gets worse. I don't think I'm surviving this. If this is how it is in the beginning I can't even imagine-?"

"Shut up, Sawera. What did we decide? Hm?" I distract her, "Azlan and Eira?"

She laughs and nods, "I can't wait to meet them. InShaAllah it'll all go well."

"InShaAllah. Thank you Sawera, you've been so strong, I never imagined this actually taking place-"

She almost cries in pain, "Azaan, please," she loses her breath, "faster."

I see the whole world spinning.

~~~

"Huh?"

"Yea, it's all your mistake and I'm never ever going to talk to you ever again." She lets go of my shirt and tells me to get lost but then holds my hand as tightly as ever and curses under her breath.

"Astaghfirullah."

She glares at me and moves her eyes towards the nurses.

I press her head and separate her hair from her sweaty skin, "I'm sorry?"

"No, you're not. You're happy to see me in pain."

What is she saying?

"I swear Azaan I don't think I'm surviving this-"

The doctor tells her to get ready to push and I notice more sweat on my forehead than there is on hers.

"Ssh, Azaan don't worry," she breathes in and fixes her back's positioning. "It's okay, it's okay, it's almost done. Go out, Azaan."

"No, why would I leave?" I run the handkerchief on the back of my neck "I wouldn't ever put you in such a situation all alone. If it weren't for a beautiful outcome (InShaAllah), I would have not let you go through this at all. I know it's too much, Sawera. I'm sorry."

"Azaan, leave. I can't bear the sight of you. You had more of a hand in this yet I'm the one bearing the pain. I find it unfair and I feel like you're enjoying this, and I don't want you here. God, I don't want myself here either. One more day of calm, I'll come back prepared, I promise. I need some rest, Azaan. I can't do this."

She's been in pain for 12 hours. I close my eyes, "I know you can."

She goes silent and forgets me. I push my seat further and rest the hand I'm holding on my forehead as I whisper words of comfort and a few duaas.

She starts crying, unable to bear it anymore and her breath slows down.

"Sawera jaanam, please don't worry. In a few hours we'll have two very tiny human beings in our hands, InShaAllah-"

"-A few hours? Azaan? I can't bear a minute more."

"It'll happen when Allah wills."

We've left it all on Allah all throughout this pregnancy. He has always pulled us out of all troubles, problems and tensions.

And He helps us out again.

Sawera loses her throat but we both finally get relief when beautiful cries fill the room.

I see the back of one of them and close my eyes in delight. Then again.

"ShukarAlhamdulillah." I say twice and she repeats it in a whisper the second time.

I take her head and rest it against my chest.

"How are they?" Her scared voice comes out meekly.

I look at her and she seems weaker than ever. "How are you?"

She nods in assurance and I kiss her forehead, "Thank you, Sawera. Thank you really very much."

Her eyes go to the children and I feel dizzy.

I've never been this bewildered in life.

It's been hours since the labor started but I'm still not ready to believe it.

A joyful cry leaves her lovely lips when the children are placed on her naked breast.

Sawera must be the most beautiful lady on earth, even more now. I can't take my eyes off her. She looks really pretty when she cries in joy. She watches me and I move my gaze down to the mini us.

"Azlan and Eira."

"They're my children?" I look at the tiny little faces. One of them sleeping and the other calmly resting in her arms. Completely chilling.

She laughs with a bit of pain reflecting on her voice.

"Who's who?"

They're not identical. We already know it, but they seem the same.

I'm sure the one that is awake is Azlan. He's the one who kicked the most.

He watches his sleeping sister and looks around, getting to see the world for the first time.

I watch the little sleeping beauty peacefully sleeping and finally take her in my arms when I see Sawera's eyes shutting.

"They're so healthy MashaAllah." Sawera whispers and I look at her, then back at Eira. She feels like nothing. She's way too small.

"Are they? They're too mini." I'm afraid to hold her. She can't be real.

"The doctor said they're as healthy as normal newborns could be."

Alhamdulillah.

I'll never be able to thank God enough for the three gifts he has bestowed on me.

"Put them in the cribs and send ammi a picture, she must be waiting desperately."

I miss my grandmother for a tiny second.

She'd be so happy if she saw this.

"She's outside."

"Really? And Abyan?"

I nod. Most probably yes.

"Why don't you call them in?"

Because I don't feel like putting Eira down.

I frown and put both the babies in the different cribs and help Sawera pull the maternity robe up on her shoulders.

"I feel paralyzed down there."

I laugh and we call the nurse in to help her lie down.

Ammi cries double, equally for both of them and Abyan and his parents appear in a few minutes.

Abyan watches the babies from afar and runs away, getting scared when they cry.

Sawera didn't wake up all the time everyone was here and kept talking but the second the first cry erupts, she wakes up and looks at the cribs in worry. I can't believe she is the same girl that didn't want children at any cost.

Everyone leaves and I watch Sawera struggling to breastfeed both our babies at once.

I take a mental picture and stick it on the wall of beautiful memories.

~~~

The night we get home I accommodate Eira and Azlan in our bed. I don't want them sleeping in cribs.

Sawera gets in the room and shifts the drifting Eira immediately to one of the bassinets, reminding me how it's not safe. I part with her, all saddened.

I sit down and watch Azlan still amazed by the system Allah has created.

Is this how life works?

Sawera sits down next to me and rests her head on my shoulder.

She has not slept well for the last three days.

I kiss her forehead and massage her head while hugging her close to my chest but before relief gets anywhere close to her, Azlan grows jealous of the intimacy we share and starts crying. His cries influence the sleeping Eira as well and Sawera gets up to give them milk.

I move to Eira and play with her while Sawera feeds Azlan. Sawera tried feeding them at once a lot of times before but Eira would not drink enough in one go and would wake up every hour for more. Bhabhi advised her to feed them one by one and have Eira switch breasts.

She's so mini. Her hands are so tiny and her pink baby clothes are the size of a really mini doll.

I bow down to kiss her forehead and nuzzle her nose while her big eyes examine my face. She moves her arms and I can't believe such tiny dimensions are real for a human being.

Sawera puts Azlan down and I look at her to see her crying.

"Aw, Sawera, you don't need to get jealous? You can always ask for a kiss."

She laughs as I cup her face and pull her to me to give her a long kiss.

Her eyes still hold a bit of pain but she watches Eira and wipes the tears.

"Don't you think we could have saved the two other too?" The words leave her lips painfully.

I shake my head. "No we couldn't. We prayed a lot and if Allah wanted them in our lives He would have saved them. It all happens by His will."

It really does.

In the span of a few months we marry Palwasha to Safwan bhai, Sawera's brother. It happens after a lot of arguments and without my heart agreeing to it, but it happens. Because Allah wills it. And it turns out alright. All my worries vanish.

Sawera's father's decease brings her a lot of pain, and it pains me a lot too, to see her crying so feebly, but it happens by the will of Allah. And with a lot of strenght, she gets over it despite the several days of immense grief.

We stop regretting over things we have no control over. Nothing from the past feels wrong. Every single detail, including her scars was supposed to carry out because Allah willed it that way.

How do we accept the fact that all of this could be totally different?

Perhaps this is how.

Perhaps just by accepting the fact that it all, indeed happens the way Allah wills.

It was all meant to be the way it happened.

We're both really contented with the past, the present, and whatever the future holds for us.

I'm grateful for it all.

Specially for the fact that Sawera is my Zehnaseeb.

[Got a bit too long, couldn't even add the first prayer after they discover they were pregnant, let alone the details of the pregnancy. But khair, lovee.
Goodbye!]