Tessa

I cried the whole way home.

Thankfully there weren't many people on the bus so nobody noticed my face was full of ugly tears. No matter how much I felt like I had to stop, I just kept crying. I kept replaying what happened in my head and everytime it made me want to cry even harder.

It makes me cry, but why do I keep doing it?

When I got home I went straight into my room and sat on my bed. I was glad my dad wasn't in the living room so he didn't see me coming in looking like a lost kid.

I stared at the wall blankly. I focused on keeping my tears back but it was so hard. I'd promised myself I'd never cry for a boy. Why would I? It would be a dumb reason to cry for. Boys come and go.

With Leo it was different. I'd trusted him. I'd told him things it took years to tell Jane and Serenity, in just a few months.

And now it was over. Done.

Even if he was the reason for my pain, I needed comfort and the worst thing was that I knew he was the only one who could give it to me. I also knew he would probably be a wreck by now. His trembling eyes didn't miss my gaze before I left. His expression was painful.

Maybe I can go back. Just to see how he's doing. We can't be together but we don't have to be strangers right?

What was I saying? I'd just left his place a couple hours ago and I wanted to go back.

I couldn't go back, It wasn't a good idea, but I couldn't help but listen to my heart instead of my brain. It was something I'd been doing a lot ever since Leo came into my life.

After what felt like hours of staring at the wall, I made a decision.

Fuck it. I'm going.

I left my place hurriedly. Everyone was asleep and it was almost midnight. It probably wasn't so wise to walk alone at that time, but I didn't care. It's not like I was scared. I felt a little more confident in my skills after what I'd lived.

Although things still happen.

When I got on the bus there were very few people there.

Of course. It's almost midnight.

The thought of Leo when I was mad because he didn't text me came to my mind and I smiled bitterly.

'No one is around at this hour, sweetheart. You're the only idiot who decided to stay outside while her life is in danger'

I was already regretting my decision, but I couldn't go back now. Besides, I wanted to see him.

Would he tell me to leave? Probably. The thought made me even worse but I tried to not cry this time. I didn't want to embarrass myself in public again. I just needed to see him, make sure he's okay.

The bus stop was near his place. I just had to walk a little.

I stood outside his apartment building my hand hovering over the intercom.

I didn't come all the way here to back out now.

I pressed it and waited, my heart racing.

To my surprise, he let me in without even asking who it was.

I frowned and opened the door walking to the elevator in a hurry.

Does he know it's me? Is he waiting for someone else? His friends?

I knocked on his door firmly and then fiddled with my fingers nervously as I waited.

The door opened and the sight in front of me made my heart drop.

It was so painful to see him like this. He looked surprised, he probably didn't know it was me when he let me in his apartment building. His face was swollen and wet with tears and his expression was a mix of shock, pain and sadness.

"Tessa, I thought-" He trailed off looking down before looking back up at me. His hair fell in front of his eyes and he kept his head down trying to hide the tears.

He looked like a sad puppy, I just wanted to cuddle him and never let
him go.

"Come in" He murmured stepping back for me to go in. I walked in and heard the door close before he walked in front of me. He studied my face sniffling a little. I could still see tears in his eyes, "Did you forget something here?" He asked.

"I just wanted to check up on you" I said.

What a lame excuse.

He looked down closing his eyes, "You could've just texted" He said whispering, his voice cracking a little. A tear dropped down his face and I couldn't just stand there doing nothing anymore.

"Leo" I called his name softly and wrapped my arms around him.

His shoulders shook and I could feel his tears dropping on my shirt as he had his face buried in my neck.

"I'm sorry" I said pulling back and held his face wiping his tears.

"I'm over here crying like a five year old and you-" He didn't finish his sentence.

"I couldn't even stay away from you for a few hours. I think we're both not okay"

He nodded looking down, "I'm sorry, Tess"

"It's not just your fault. Stop blaming yourself only. It's just we're not doing each other any good. Right?" I said stroking his face. I wasn't really sure if I agreed with what I was saying.

"But I feel good when I'm with you" He whispered.

Your words are so contradicting.

"We're hurting each other more than anything. It's hard now but it's going to pass. You're going to be okay" I said attempting to smile at him. 

I was just as hurt but I wanted him to at least be okay. I could handle it. The pain the heartbreak, everything. I just wanted him to be okay.

"No, I'm not" He said shaking his head, his voice shaky. He took my hands in his, "Can you stay the night?"

I sighed, "Leo-"

"Just this once. Please. It's way past midnight anyway and I want-" He stopped himself.

What was he just about to say?

I wanted to stay the night. It wouldn't hurt to be with him for a few more hours, right? Even if it made walking away harder for me, I couldn't bring myself to walk away now looking at his face, his eyes pleading me to stay as he whispered 'please' over and over again as he rubbed my hands that were still cold with his warm ones.

Maybe I could just leave in the morning while he was asleep. That way he wouldn't be able to stop me and I would feel less guilty since I wouldn't see his expression.

Yes, great idea.

"Okay" I said and saw his eyes light up, "But I don't have any clothes"

"You can borrow mine" He said without hesitating squeezing my hands in his.

I nodded and he gave me a small smile before going to his room to get clothes.

So much for breaking up with him.

He brought me the clothes and let me change in the bathroom while he spoke to someone on the phone.

"Hi" I said as I walked out seeing him waiting for me.

"Hi" He said back with a subtle smile. He didn't smile often but he seemed to be doing that a lot tonight.

I walked over to him and held his face, "You're okay now?" I asked.

The tears were now gone, even though his face was still swollen and red from earlier.

He nodded, "Do you want to go to sleep? You probably do, you must be tired. I can sleep on the floor, or on the couch if you don't want me to be in the same room. I would just prefer to be next to you even if that means I'll be on the floor-"

"Leo, it's okay. I can take the couch" I said, my hands dropping to his chest.

"No! You came all the way here again, you're not sleeping on that uncomfortable couch. Take the bed, please"

It would be such a bad idea to ask him to share the bed.

However I didn't care.

"We can share it"

"I-uh-"

"it's okay I don't mind. I came all the way here because I felt like shit and wanted to be near you one last time. I know you're the only one who can make me feel better. Even if we make each other feel like shit the majority of the time" I said looking at the floor. I felt a little embarrassed saying this to him, but it was true.

He nodded hesitantly,"Okay"

He took my hand and led me to his bedroom. For some reason I felt nervous, more than the other nights when we'd share the same bed. We got in bed facing each other and to my disappointment, he kept his distance. He seemed hesitant, but I needed him close.

"Were you expecting somebody? You let me in without asking who it was but you seemed shocked to see me" I asked and got closer to him.

His breath hitched when I moved closer, "Yeah, Nate. I told him I wasn't feeling good and he got worried and said he's coming. I called him and let him know that he doesn't need to come anymore though, so don't worry about that"

"I'm sorry I ruined your plans" I said.

"You didn't. I would choose this over anything". His hand reached out to touch me but he stopped, so I took it and led it to my face.

Maybe I was taking it too far, but I wanted to feel his warm touch one last time.

One last time.

I didn't want tomorrow to come. I didn't want this moment to stop, I didn't want to fall asleep.

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. His stare was so intense and he looked at me with longing, I couldn't take it anymore.

"Tessa" He murmured wiping my tears. He moved closer and started kissing my face softly, "It's going to be okay. I'm here, sweetheart"

But this only seemed to make it worse. He was there with me, but it wouldn't last for long. Just this one last time.

"I'm always here" He said as if he knew what I was thinking, "Even when I'm mad at you, even when we're not together anymore. I'm always here. You can always come to me"

"You'll move on" I said still crying.

"You've ruined me for any other woman, Tess" 

"Don't say that. You'll move on"

"Never" He said firmly and wrapped his arms around me.

"What's the point in breaking up then?" I asked. I'd been so sure breaking up was for the best before, but now I just didn't want it to happen at all.

"Your mental health and happiness. I can't give you what I want to give you" He said softly stroking my hair. He was so hurt and even though he appeared selfish so many times in our relationship he put me first.

"It's not just about me. I'm hurting you too"

I had a really short temper so I would say really cruel things that I didn't really mean when I was mad.

"You're worth all of it"

There it is again.

"Stop trying to change my mind about breaking up now" I raised my voice slightly, pulling back from his embrace to look at him. 

"I'm not. I'm being honest. I don't want to fight with you anymore, Tessa. It's our last night together. Let's not fight"

He was right. I didn't want to fight either but my emotions got the best of me. How could I leave him after what he had just told me? How could I walk away?

"It's going to be okay" He said kissing my forehead. He stared at my lips and I licked them without realising it until later. He sighed and just by the look on his face, even in the dark room, he was struggling.

He hesitantly leaned closer his thumb stroking my lower lip.

I should stop this. We're supposed to break up, this is too far.

But I didn't. I didn't even want to.

His lips were so close to mine, almost touching but he stayed still, "I'm sorry, this is probably making you uncomfortable" He said and tried to get his hands off my face, but I took ahold of his wrists.

"No" I said firmly and brought his hands to my lips.

"Sweetheart, don't do this to me, please. Don't give me hope, you're killing me" He whispered softly his stare way too intense, "Fuck. How am I supposed to let you go?"

"Don't"

I wasn't thinking straight. A few hours ago I was so sure I wanted out of this relationship for the best of both of us. Now I was being selfish.

"Stop, please" He pleaded and turned around burying his face in his hands.

"What's the point if I'll always end up coming back to you?" I asked putting my hand on his shoulder. He turned around again to face me.

"I've been tortured enough, Tessa. Don't give me hope when we both know you're not thinking straight. When we both know you'll be gone tomorrow by the time I wake up"

"I wish I didn't have to go" I said.

"You need to stop coming back to me, Because I can't stop myself from being there for you, you need to stop coming to me" He whispered tucking my hair behind my ear.

"What if I can't stop either?"

"Be careful what you say, Tessa. If you keep saying stuff I won't let you go next time you decide you don't want me in your life"

"I want you in my life" I mumbled putting my hands on his chest.

He was the one who actually decided that this time, but he was probably talking about the times when I walked away from him.

His expression was full of pain as he shut his eyes and lowered his head, "You shouldn't have come here, Tessa. You should've stayed far away from me because you're not leaving that easily after this"

My eyes widened. I had pushed him too far, but I wanted this. I wanted him even if it was bad for me.

"Shocked? That's what happens when you say things you don't mean"

"I mean them" I said softly leaning in to kiss his cheek and reaching out to touch his face.

"You're leaving tomorrow morning and you won't come back no matter how much I pressure you. Block my number, delete me from your life. You said it yourself it's for both of us"

He was right. We'd tried so many times to solve our problems and it never worked. Why would it work this time?

I nodded hesitantly.

"Good" He whispered nodding back, his  gaze dropping back to my lips

He stayed like that for about a minute, his face seemed to be in pain before he softly whispered my name.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I want you" He said making me widen my eyes. He looked into my eyes and then back to my lips, "Can I kiss you just one last time?"

We were both so sure about breaking up one minute and the next we were acting like we never said those words. How will this work out?

"Yes" I mumbled.

He didn't waste a second and pressed his soft lips on mine. He held my face as he started kissing me urgently.

He carefully got on top of me as his right hand travelled down my thigh and he started kissing down to my neck.

"Stop me" He said quickly in between kisses.

But I didn't.

His hand slid under the shirt I was wearing and his thumb rubbed circles on my hip as I was panting trying to control my breathing. I tried to find the words to stop him but I Couldn't.

"We-we're not supposed to do this" I said in between quick breaths.

"Yeah?" He breathed out before pulling away and gripping my jaw with one hand staring into my eyes, "You want me to stop?"

"I don't want to stop" I whispered and turned my head kissing his palm.

His jaw tightened and lowered his gaze, "You should stop saying these things. We're supposed to part ways tomorrow. I don't know how much of this I can take, Tessa"

I stayed silent.

I nodded looking to the side, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here. I should've left you alone"

He smiled softly, his eyes staring into mine, "Seeing you here and knowing you'll never be mine hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. Your words and actions, hurt so much knowing you'll walk away from me tomorrow, but if I get to have a few last moments with you, if I get to kiss you, hold you, have you for a little more, I'll take it. It's worth all the hurt"

Those words. His words always made me feel like we could work it out. Was it on purpose? Was he trying to convince me to stay? But he wouldn't let me stay either. He wanted me to "delete him" from my life. So what did he want? Did he even know what he wanted at all?

"You think your words don't hurt me?" I asked with tears in my eyes, "You confuse me so much"

His inhaled sharply before leaning closer and softly putting his lips on mine, "It's going to be okay, love" He whispered and then kisses my forehead lightly, but his eyes said otherwise. His tears were threatening to spill.

He had cried so much because of me in only a few hours and it made me feel like the worst person on the planet.

"I don't want this moment to end" He said now his tears ran freely down his face, "I want to stay with you forever" .

He rolled on his back and put his hands on his face with his shoulders trembling lightly.

I didn't say anything. I couldn't say it was going to be okay anymore because it obviously wasn't. I carefully took his hands away from his face. I traced his trembling bottom lip with my thumb and kissed his lips and then his cheeks lightly.

I thought I heard him murmuring something before I drifted off to sleep, but I couldn't care about what it was.