The eyes are not on me today. They are staring but not at me and it's not hard to identify their new subject of attraction. He stands by his locker, five lockers away from mine, four away from Daisy's, sluggishly taking out huge textbooks and stuffing them in his backpack.

He can feel the stares, I can see it in the light shaking of his hands, it's impossible to not feel those tiny daggers clawing at you, attempting to get under your skin for no real purpose aside morbid curiosity or sheer amusement.

I am still at the door watching Todd Weatherman when Gabe walks up to him and slaps his shoulder with a wide grin, startling him for a second. They talk for a while before Gabe throws an arm around his shoulder and they walk off.

"Rose". I focus my eyes on the figure approaching me.

"Hi". She greet me like we are old friends and I just stare at her.

"Can we talk in my office?"

I can feel the eyes on me now which is expected, the school's counselor doesn't just go about chatting up students.

"Sorry Ms. Andersen but I've got to get to class".

"This will only take a minute". She offer me a warm smile that'd probably on another day.

"Maybe but I don't want to talk. Have you tried talking to Dahlia? Todd even?"

She let out a tiny sigh.

"I will get to everyone. Dahlia, Todd, her friends, the cheerleaders, everyone".

I nod.

"Seems like a pretty long list. Put my name at the bottom".

"Do you feel you don't matter as much as the others?"

The truth is I don't feel a lot. How do you talk to someone about your nonexistent feelings?
The young lady stare at me, her pretty face half covered by her humongous glasses but I walk past her to class as the final bell goes.

    Everyone is talking about Todd Weatherman, boyfriend to Clayview's dead queen. A king unbothered by the affairs of his kingdom. I don't see him until gym and when I do, I feel a pull towards him. Misery loves company. I guess grief is misery too.

"Rose". I look to the side, coming face to face with Hadiza Yosef.

"Hadiza". She tries on a sympathetic smile that I see right through.

Hadiza is chief editor of the School's paper, Point of view. Their online site is responsible for half the rumors circulating on school grounds. She doesn't control the site but she makes sure everything published in hard-copy is legit and that makes her even more vicious that everyone else on the team. Once upon a time I'd have feared this was another of her attempts to get me to join. It's not.

"I am so sorry about your sister."

"Thank you."

"I cannot imagine what it must feel like, carrying all that grief and having people talk behind your back. If you want to make an input in the tribute we are publishing next week, you know you are welcomed."

She really would do anything for a good story. Apollo is giving me a questioning look from across the gym, I shake my head to let him know it's nothing.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Good. Don't be afraid to express yourself, Rose." She pat my shoulder and walk off. Leaving me to return my attention to Todd.

His eyes stay fixed ahead as I approach him.

"Hi". I start, looking down at him seated on the bleachers.

Todd and I are friends, we play video games on Saturdays and take spontaneous selfies.

He look up at me but doesn't say a word so I take a seat beside him.

"Are you okay? You weren't at the funeral".
He interlock his fingers, then releases them, repeatedly for an entire minute.

"Todd_"

"What do you want, Rose?" His green eyes don't hold their usual glint of mischief.

"Nothing. Just checking on you".

"Why? So that we can mourn together and cry on each other's shoulders?"

My lips stay sealed as I assess the man beside me. Maybe grief changes us too.

"You were driving". I feel my breath hitch.

"Did you drink?" My breathing pick up.

"How could you be so careless, Rose?" I see the rest of the words embedded in his eyes.

'You killed her Rose. You killed your sister'.

    The onslaught of tears surprise me but not as much as the loud sobs but Todd doesn't seem shocked at all, he gets up and walk away, just as Apollo run to me.

"Rose_"

"Everyone is right". I cry.

"What?"

"I killed her". He takes a seat beside me and try to hold me but I don't let him.

"I hear them, I hear the whispers, I see it in all their eyes. I killed her, I drove her to her grave".

"It was an accident". He take my hands in his.

"That I caused".

"Hey. Look at me". His fingers tilt my head towards him and he let out a sigh before pulling me up.

"Come with me". He say before dragging me out of the gym filled with our gawking classmates.

"It should have been me". He stop in the empty hallway and turn me to face him.

"Don't say that".

"Daisy should be alive. She was the amazing one, the one everyone loves, the one with a meaningful life".

"Stop saying that". He scold but I'm not listening.

"Daisy would have said it".

"Because she is Daisy". He stated.

"But she wouldn't have meant it. So stop saying it, please".

He pull me into his warm embrace and I let him, I let myself weep into his gym shirt, after which I let him take me home. He stay with me for hours, indulging me in mindless talk and dorky jokes until his mom calls him home. He leaves me with a kiss and a reminder to not let myself take the blame but it is useless, I fall back as soon as he walks through my door, crying without tears until my eyes fall shut in sleep.

       I wake to a cold quiet night. My windows are open, letting in the chilly breeze that seep under my skin and awaken whispers of guilt.

"She's dead"

Cold reminders of static moments.

"You we're driving"

Moments when I couldn't breathe.

"Drowned"

Water. I need water even as I know I won't be able to send it past my throat.

"A tragic accident"

   I push myself out of bed and hurriedly shut my windows, ignoring the shadows lurking in the dark. I quietly slip out of my room and down the stairs with no purpose but if anyone ask, I know what I'll tell them.

I am halfway down the stairs when I hear glass lightly hit the dinning table. I descend slowly to the landing from where I can see the dinning area. My dad is the only one here, with a bottle of wine.

Misery loves company, especially a silent one, unsympathetic and nonjudgmental.

His broad shoulders are hunched and I can see the outline of his four o'clock shadow. My eyes watch him for a while, missing the past image I had of him. The one of him stuck in the study, playing chess with Dahlia and annoying Daisy with his old songs.

I quietly return to my room and lay on my bed. Grief changes us, it changes everything.

🌹🌹🌹
I've been so eager for y'all to meet Todd, I don't know why.

Comments and feedback are encouraged
xx