Chapter 64
My whole belief system had shut down. There was nothing that anyone could do to erase all that I had heard. I was shattered. It felt like I had died a hundred deaths and nothing could ever shatter me anymore.
I reached home earlier than usual. I wanted to ask my father about the things that Ashley had said and confront him about his hand in it. But how could I doubt him? He loved my mother. I had seen it in his eyes all these years. I had heard their story like a thousand times and each time he started to narrate it, I could see a glimpse of warmth in his eyes.
No, he loved my mother. Period.
My Dad was not cruel enough to kill his own wife and abandon his child for some fantasy he had.
Casey Stone had died in a car crash at the race. I was there watching the whole thing when mom's car caught fire and rose up in the air tumbling before it hit the ground only to burst into a thousand flames. My Dad was right next to me when that happened.
How could he have murdered her?
He had immersed himself in the races and the tracks after he had lost her, forgetting my existence all together.
How could he have killed her?
He had not taken advantage of his wife's death to fool around. He had made sure that I was studying and often, in his own way had managed to look into my education.
How could he have taken her life?
They had met at one of the races and had loved each other for years before they got married and had me. I still remember few of the incidents that took place between them. How was it possible to just finish off that kind of romance in a matter of seconds?
"Hey, you're early today!" Dad said, raising his head to meet me. His eyes shined as he looked at me expectantly. "Didn't go for practice?"
I looked at him, the man on whom Ashley had thrown such accusations. He looked innocent to even try anything of that sort. He had worn mom's favorite shirt and was sitting watching the television. His hair was disheveled and he needed a good haircut.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" He said wheeling himself to me. I smiled weakly at him, I still hadn't got over the shock to confront him.
"Just tired." I said. "Have you eaten?"
"Yeah." He said, still looking at me in concern. He had not yet gotten over the fact that I was okay. He wanted more confirmation. "Paul sent noodles for you too."
But no matter what I did, there was no way I could smile and make him feel okay about him. I needed time. I wanted to think about everything.
"I had something on the way." I lied. After such a conversation my appetite had died. "It's ten. Shouldn't you be asleep?"
I wanted to be on my own to sort things out. Looking at Dad and his over protectiveness, I didn't know if I could do any justice if he was there with me. But then again, there was no one with whom I could talk and get information. My mother's parents had cut all her ties to her family once she had gotten married to Dad, since he was a runaway kid.
"Well, I usually turn in this time." He said honestly. "Are you sure you are okay? Did someone say something to you? Is it Robert? Didn't he come with you tonight?"
"Dad, please." I said, going into the kitchen to get me a glass of water. "Can't a girl have a down day of her own?"
"Okay." Dad said putting his hands up in mock surrender. "I'll turn in then."
Before he made his way to his room, he wheeled himself towards me and kissed my hand with a smile. "I love you, sweetheart." He smiled. "What ever it is you will get over it soon."
With that he left, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Suddenly, I felt all alone and there was no one to turn to. I had lost everyone and though I tired my best to keep the ones that remained, it made itself tough, questioning their intentions of stay.
I had never let people walk over me all these times, yet today, I had let Robert and Ashley treat me like shit. What had I ever done to deserve it? All the emotions that I had kept bundled in me exploded and the tears started.
I had gone in too deep now and there was no turning back. I had signed those damn papers and was fighting battles, but now, I didn't know which party I belonged to anymore.
Everyone seemed to have had a mask and I didn't trust anyone anymore. I drank the water and wiped my eyes. If these battles were not for me, I wanted to win them to just climb over it to see what the other side held. If I had to shut my mouth and get eaten by my own misery, then so be it. I was ready.
Reluctantly, I locked the front door and switched off all the lights before heading upstairs. I washed my face and went to bed. It was high time that I had gotten some sleep. But tonight, sleep was not near me.
Though I was tired and my eyes ached, the whole scenarios repeated itself and I was not able to wrap my head around it. Was there anything else that I was missing in the puzzle that Ashley had left behind? Or was she trying to break our happy home just to satisfy her inner Satan?
My phone started to ring. I knew who it was even before I had got a good look of the phone. After me pinning on Robert's call for hours, he had finally gotten time in his busy schedule to think of me. But with everything that was going on, I didn't need anymore of his personal drama to be dealt with. I cut the call and lay on the bed, closing my eyes.
My phone blared again and again. I was angry at him. How dare he call me now than before? Did he suddenly realize how bad he had fucked things up? I had a lot on my plate now and I didn't trust myself to think straight and with him, I would be a mess.
But when the phone rang for the tenth time, I picked the call. Without a formal greeting, I started. "What do you want? I don't have time for another one of your tantrums."
"Scarlet, just open the window." Was all he said back and I was confused for a second. But the next, anger rose to my head. He had come home and waited for me to be alone to talk. How could he do that to me? "Please."
I threw the phone on the bed and went towards the window. There he was in all his glory, clinging to the pipes that ran down next to my window. This was not the first time he had climbed up the wall to reach my room. I opened the window and glared at him. If looks could kill, he would have been six foot under the ground right now.
"What do you want?" I asked, looking at him.
"Please, my hands are aching." He said, holding on tightly. "Can I come in?"
I heaved a sigh and moved away, leaving the window open. Within seconds, he was inside, rubbing his palm to sooth the pain he had inflicted on himself. He looked miserable as if he hadn't bathed for a whole week. His clothes were muddy and his hair was a mess with twigs and dry leaves stuck on it. Yet, my anger didn't leave me.
"What do you want?" I repeated again, folding my hands against my chest, wanting this to get over soon.
"I wanted to apologize." He said not meeting my eye. "I thought you would not go to the tracks for practice. So I was here from past two hours waiting for you."
"I don't want to miss my practices due to some petty issues." I said and turned away.
There was a high chance that I wanted to miss practice today out of all days. I was emotionally drained and I didn't have any energy to deal with anything else. My hunger had died as soon as I had heard Ashley's words and my physical energy was not good enough for a proper conditioning. I wanted to head home, curl myself up and cry my eyes out.
But then again, I didn't want Ashley or Robert or anyone else to spoil my life with their own set of theories. I didn't want to sacrifice my training because of their cause. Though I was sure Ashley had only said those things to stop me from my training, I was more worried about meeting Robert at the practice.
To my surprise he wasn't there and I was more than happy to comply with it. Luke had noticed my fallen mood but didn't question it any further. He kept me company while he did his conditioning along with me. But neither one of us spoke about Robert and I was glad about that.
"I'm really sorry about today morning." He said and I could feel a genuine apology coming my way. "I didn't know what I was thinking and I... shouldn't have told those things to you."
"Oh, but you thought about them and you didn't want me to know?" I asked, turning back at him. "You know what, I'm glad I knew about it. Gave me a clear picture."
Robert hung his head low and sighed. "Scarlet, please." He said. "I didn't mean it like that. The constant monitor didn't sit well with me."
"Don't, Robert." I said. "I don't care anymore."
My words sure did sting him. He looked at me, his eyes full of hurt. As his brown eyes met mine, a raw emotion passed by him and his initial hurt was gone. He took a step towards me as I stayed rooted to my spot.
The intensity of his stare was too much to take. If he continued with this, I was sure I would have cried my eyes out again. There was so much concern and care as if he gave a shit about what I was feeling. I wasn't strong enough to pull my walls up now and I was scared that he was reading me like a newspaper.
I looked away, not able to endure it any longer. Just as I did that, a tear drop rolled down my cheek. I closed my eyes and cursed myself for not holding it together.
Under any other circumstances, I would have gone straight to Robert, carrying all my problems to him, hoping that his words of consolation would give me the strength to face it. But tonight, I couldn't do it anymore.
He had showed me the place where I belonged and I wasn't ready to gulp down my ego and go to him... again.
I knew that if I did go to him, he would embrace me with the same care, but I didn't want to weaken in front of him anymore. I was stronger than I looked and I wanted to maintain it that way. I didn't want to lean on him for support.
Without any word, Robert hugged me, circling his arms around me. The warmth in his arms were welcoming and for a second, I had forgotten about my beliefs and I let him hold me like he would suck all my pain away.
With his arms around me as he stroked my head, whispering nothing but the promises of tomorrow, I felt, just for a second, that it was real. That I was not being played with another guy in my life.
"Baby, I'm really sorry." He whispered. "I didn't know I hurt you that bad... are you okay?"
With his words hitting the air, it was as if I was splashed with cold water on my face. I was fighting against getting close with people like him, the ones that wear masks and yet here I was standing under his embrace, savoring his touch and words. I took a step back.
"Scarlet, babe. Please." He said, reaching out to me.
I shook my head no and wiped my cheeks. Everyone was leaving me and for the first time ever, even when I was surrounded with my own people, I felt foreign in my own home. There was no one whom I could call mine.
Everyone was only acting to cover up what they had done in the past. Even when I was the one who was picking up their dirt, I was not given a clue as to what was happening. I was tired of constantly trying and wanting to be a part of something. I wanted to believe something, but there was nothing but heaps and heaps of lies around of me, sinking me back to the ground as I rose to a newer height.
"I know I messed up." Robert said. The raw pain in his voice, strung my heart and it hammered loudly. To see him like this was tearing me apart. "I shouldn't have told those things."
I stayed quiet.
"I had been to Brian's party." He confessed.
Though I knew about this, I didn't utter a word. It was as if the whole world knew him much better than me. I was only getting the past information from the ones who had interacted with him.
"He started talking about you and it stuck in my head." He said putting his head low. "How you were at school and I... I was a dropout and... stuffs like that."
I took in a deep breath. Brian had done the same thing to me at school. But unlike Robert, I had given him my own peace of mind and at least for sometime I had shut his mouth. Robert? He had collected all that and then come to shout at me. Was that even fair?
"I mean, I know why that happened, but he doesn't... and when you see this from a third perspective... what he's telling is true, right?"
"Robert, please." I said, my head pounding heavily. I placed my hands on my head to control the ache. It was as if I had drunk my ass out to have a unreal hangover. "I cannot deal with this right now."
"No, I mean... I have a bad reputation." He said, ignoring my words. "And when you asked about me, where I go and what I do... it just made itself clear to me. I'm just spoiling you with me."
"What?" I cried. This was terrible than any other breakups. I mean, we weren't even together for Robert to go that far. And he had reached to this conclusion based on a kid who partied every other day? "Brain is an asshole and you are talking this with that drunk kid? What else does he know about us?"
"No! He doesn't know anything." Robert said, reaching for me again, but I took a step back. "You know how am I with others."
"Then what did you say to him?" I asked.
"I didn't say anything. I... left." He said putting his head low.
"You know what?" I asked, not really expecting any answer from him. "You are a coward who cannot stand to what you are! Brian had come with the same conclusion to me! I told him to shut the fuck up and mind his own fucking business!"
As I shouted, Robert looked at me with his eyes wide open. He had clearly not seen this one coming. My waterworks started again. Robert and I had fought with each other based on some guy talking nonsense about us. And Robert had let it happen.
"Your past is who you are today!" I screamed, not caring if I was waking my sleepy Dad downstairs. "If you are going to hide in it and let people screw you over, then how do you expect others to respect you?"
I didn't know what I was talking anymore. I was shouting and crying, my nose running and my eyes shrinking with the tears.
Surrounded by the darkness, I didn't know which was the way to get me outside. I was scared and uncertain about the next step I was going to take. The ones that were with me, were abandoning me and I didn't know what to do anymore.
I sank on the ground, my legs not able to support me anymore. My head ached and my eyes hurt, but more importantly, my heart broke with everything I was hearing. All the things were happening to me at the same time and it didn't give me an opportunity to take a breath.
"Scarlet, please calm down." He said, forgetting that I was shouting at him. He sat next to me and pulled me up, taking my hands away and wiping my tears. "I understand it now, I really do. Please don't cry."
"You... you are trusting that guy... over me." I said, my voice barely audible. "You left me alone... I'm... You know what? It's okay."
Everything blurred as my eyes filled again. I didn't make an attempt to wipe it clean. When I saw him watching me intently, my anger doubled.
"Get out, Robert." I said, pushing him away with all my might. But he didn't move. "You had your say... you are right, you are pulling me down... so leave me alone... Go."
"I'm not leaving you like this, Scarlet." Robert said. "Let me help you... please."
"Get out! Get out!" I screamed. "Get out!"
I pushed him. I kicked him. I hit him.
He finally stood up, running his hands over his hair. "I'll go, Scarlet. I'll go." He said. "I never thought I could hurt you like this."
With that he was gone. Just the way he had climbed in. I fell on the floor, curling myself into a small ball. With him, leaving me, the last of the lights I had seen in the darkness was gone. The warmth that I often craved was also taken away.
This time, I felt I was truly alone.
The crying and the helplessness had taken a toll on me. After a very long time, I had cried myself to sleep on the cold floor of my bedroom.
---
Mommy is baking a cake for me. I can see her. She is very tall. I like her chocolate cake. It is very yummy.
"It is almost ready, honey." She tells.
Her hair is in ponytail as she takes me in her arms. I sit on her waist putting my legs on either side. Her hair does not tickle me now. I pull it to me. It is very soft. I pull another strand towards me. I like it when it touches me.
"No, darling." Mom says, putting her hair away from me. "Cake, see!"
She points her hand towards the stove. The smell is yummy. I like it. The cake is brown with color spots in between.
"Red!" I say.
Mommy laughs at that. "Yes! It is red!" She smiles at me. I like it when she smiles at me. "You are so clever. Which color is this?"
"You!" I scream, clapping my hands together.
"Yes!" she says. "It is Blue."
Her hair falls on her eyes and I want to touch it again. It is so soft. I pull it in my hands and hold it. Soft.
"Darling, no pulling my hair." She says again, putting me on the table. She pulls her hair away from me and ties it. "Let's cut the cake, okay?"
I clap my hands. "Yes!"
She tickles my tummy and brings the cake to the table. She hands me a you knife and we cut the cake together.
"Yummy! Yummy!" I clap together.
---
Mommy has not got up. I crawl to the room. She is sick.
"Mommy?" I say.
"Mommy is sick, darling." She turns to me. Her eyes are small now. "Don't come near me, you will get sick too."
I want mommy. I want her to sing song to me. I want her to bake a cake to me. She is not coming to play.
"Mommy." I say again.
She smiles at me and I smile back. She is coming to get me. We can play together. She sits up and looks at me. She is so tall. I like her.
"La la la." I sing, clapping my hands together. "La la la."
Mommy laughs and then coughs. I stare at her. What is wrong, Mommy? She closes her eyes and does not open it.
I cry. I like mommy when she laughs. When there is dip on her cheeks. But she is not smiling at me. She is not touching me.
Mommy hates me.
I cry.
"Oh, darling." She says, smiling again. She wipes my tears and hugs me close. I stop crying. I have mommy and everything is okay. "If you are getting sick then you have your father to answer to. I don't want him to come and shout at me, okay?"
"La la la." I sing and laugh, clapping my hands together.
---
I am building a car. Mommy is helping me do it. She is smiling again and I can see her cheek dipping.
The car is yellow. I know colors now. I can even paint. Mommy helps me paint the cards. I want yellow car. Mommy helps me paint the card yellow.
The wheels are black and I place it next to the door.
"No, the wheels come here." Mommy says, changing my wheel position. I take another wheel and place it next to the door. Mommy laughs. "Oh, you want to be a designer? You want the wheel there?"
"Zoom!" I say, clapping my hands together. "Zoom!"
Mommy shakes her head and her hair falls everywhere. I hear the zoom of the car outside. I leave everything and run outside to see who it is.
It is Daddy! He is home!
"Daddy! Daddy!" I clap.
He is angry and I am scared. I run back to mommy. She is not smiling. She is closing her eyes again and I am scared. I cry.
"What are you doing here?" Daddy is asking mommy.
I hug mommy. I don't want her to leave me. I am scared.
"Playing with the child?" Daddy asks and then he is shouting. I cannot hear anything. Mommy has her hands around my ears.
I cry. I am scared.
"Darling, don't cry, okay?" Mommy says. "Stay here while I talk to Daddy in the room."
Mommy smiles and I smile at her. She wipes my tears and goes away.
"I'll come back soon, okay?"
I sit waiting for mommy to come back. I want to show her where to keep the wheel again. There is a noise in the room. I crawl to the room searching for mommy.
The door is half open and I go in. I want mommy. Daddy is in the room too. He has something shiny in his hand.
Why is Daddy holding it?
"Mommy?" I say and Daddy turns around.
Mommy is on the ground, red liquid all around her.
"NO!" With a high pitched animal like sound I woke up drenched in my own sweat.
---
A/N: This is by far my most favorite chapter. It gives a glimpse of how our Scarlet is mentally disturbed. Do you think I did justice to it? More importantly, did Ed actually kill his wife?
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