CONTENT WARNING: MENTIONS OF DEATH - If that bothers you, then please skip this one. There's nothing gory but it's mostly about how to deal with it from a child's perspective.

*************

It was a navy coloured backpack.

For a second, neither of them moved, but then a janitor whistled his way into the narrow corridor, pushing his bucket further in and sloshing dirty water onto the floor. Lan Zhan glared at him, picking up the backpack and grabbing Wei Ying's hand, removing them from the vicinity of that trapped space within seconds.

They hurried to their car, with Wei Ying shaking with excitement. He knew the contents of the bag were not for himself, but he wanted to be excited for JingYi.

The boy was admittedly much better after the chat they had shared on the little kitchen table in Wei Ying's apartment all those days ago, and he hadn't mentioned his mother again, since she had last visited.

Which brought Wei Ying to another uncomfortable realisation: no one had told JingYi of his mother's passing. Correction: THEY hadn't told JingYi about that.

"What's wrong?" Lan Zhan is looking at him with worry.

"We have to tell JingYi. About his mother." Wei Ying clarifies, finding it hard to swallow past the hard lump in his throat.

Lan Zhan switches off the car immediately, and turns as much as he can towards Wei Ying within the confines of the cramped space in the driver's seat.

His arms bring Wei Ying into his embrace, as much as they can with the gearbox in between, but it is enough.

"We have to tell him," Lan Zhan's deep voice fills the silence.

"Yes. Yes, of course!" Wei Ying pulls back, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "I know, it's just that...Well, how? How does one go about breaking a kid's heart like that? There's absolutely no good time to do it, and I'm terrified of telling him." It feels good to admit it out loud, even if it feels like a failure on their part.

"Mn. I also am not looking forward to telling him," Lan Zhan admits. He can't think of anything worse, actually.

But it helps that they both feel the same way, and that they aren't alone; they have each other.

"What about on Sunday?" Wei Ying suggests.

Lan Zhan is already shaking his head. "What if he asks us when it happened? We will have to tell him it was two weeks ago. It sounds cruel."

"We could be vague...no, you're right." Wei Ying concedes, discarding his own idea. "We should tell him the truth and hope that it will be okay. I don't want to lie to our children. When I was a kid, I could always tell when an adult was lying to me, and it was the biggest kind of hypocritical betrayal."

"Mn," Lan Zhan agrees. "I only found out about my mother's passing weeks after the fact. The two weeks spent in hospital, no one said anything out of fear, and afterwards, they didn't clarify, hoping I would work it out by myself. I was six."

He sounds bitter.

Wei Ying reaches for his hands.

"Adults always shy away from uncomfortable situations, mostly because they don't know how to deal with them. But I don't wanna be like that to our children. I know it's going to be hard, but I want to try anyway. I don't want to make the same mistakes as people did to me, when I was young."

Lan Zhan nods. "We should not put it off. How about tonight?"

"Okay, I just want to-"

His alarm for picking up the children goes off then, and Wei Ying quickly switches it off, as Lan Zhan starts the car again.

"I want to make sure of whatever is in here, before we give it to JingYi, that's all." Wei Ying finishes, putting the bag down at his feet.

"Mn."

The rest of the drive is spent in contemplative silence as they process how they're going to tell JingYi the news.

The whole thing feels terrible, but because it is absolutely necessary, it is unavoidable.

"With A-Yuan or not?" Wei Ying asks him, as he and Lan Zhan join the rest of the parents walking towards the playground.

"With. A-Yuan is perceptive, and empathetic in a simple way, perhaps more than other children his age. Maybe because of his own experience." Lan Zhan reminds him.

As if Wei Ying could ever forget the kind of trauma A-Yuan has had to endure, from losing his parents to being shifted around and then on top of all that, to being abandoned.

No kid should have to go through something like that.

"Okay, so after dinner, then." Wei Ying plasters the biggest smile on his face when he spots both A-Yuan and JingYi holding hands and running out of their classroom towards them.

Lan Zhan squeezes their joined hands in solidarity, both of them aware of how difficult tonight is going to be.

******************

This evening, the children are excited, as a result of coming home in the car and bombarding their parents with question after question about their new home.

"When are we moving?"

"When are we painting?"

"When do we get to sleep in our new beds?"

And, "can we help?"

That one was by both of them, bouncing in their seats with the brightest smiles on their faces, and how could Wei Ying say anything about Mrs Lan to JingYi when they both looked so happy?

Wei Ying quickly turned to the front, furiously blinking away his tears so neither child noticed, before pasting on another huge grin on his face, when he turned back to them.

"How about Sunday? We can spend Family day painting at our new home!"

The kids cheer and the talk goes back to something they learned at school today.

Wei Ying is relieved and faces forward again, appreciating these precious seconds to swallow down his sadness, so he can put himself back together again. He doesn't want the children seeing him like this, at least not yet. He hopes for more courage tonight, and the ability to support JingYi through the awful disclosure of their bad news. Even if they knew it was going to happen to Mrs Lan, the children had no inkling of it.

JingYi probably thought his mother was going to come back at some point.

Lan Zhan holds his hand as much as they can, all the way home.

The children's exuberance does not diminish even when they reach Uncle Qiren and when he finds out why they're so excited, he tries not to frown.

Whilst they're chattering away in the library behind them, Uncle Qiren turns to Wei Ying.

"I hope you know that there is no rush on our end, to have you move out."

His words might be stilted and awkward, but Wei Ying grabs his hands when he sees the pain in Uncle Qiren's eyes.

"I know, Uncle. The children are just excited to paint! We haven't decided when exactly we're going to move," he explains, noting with satisfaction that it was the right thing to say.

"Hm. Don't need to rush," Uncle Qiren adds, carefully not tearing his hands out of Wei Ying's reach. "And I hope you will always consider this place as one of your homes." His eyes flicker over both of them.

Lan Zhan tilts his head in acknowledgement.

As Uncle Qiren leaves them in the hallway, Wei Ying realises that some of his new family might not be happy about them moving into Lan Zhan's apartment too soon.

And while he has recently lost some people that he considered part of his family before, he has now gained more trustworthy ones instead, people who are certainly going to miss them when they leave this home.

Lan Zhan tugs on his hand, reminding him of what they have to do.

This gap of time is welcome because they need to check what's in the backpack before it can go anywhere near JingYi, and if all of that is planned for later tonight, then they need to get a move on.

In no time at all, they've retrieved the backpack from the car and it's sitting between them on the bed, in their room. They will not be interrupted until dinnertime, two hours from now.

Lan Zhan squeezes their hands and lets go, freeing Wei Ying so he can unzip the bag. They both ignore his trembling fingers as he opens it.

It's easier to tip it upside down on the bed.

Wei Ying was expecting a book like the one his mother had written for himself, but instead, there are lots of papers, all different shapes, sizes and colours.

There are scribbles on the back of receipts, napkins, scraps of paper and Wei Ying gets the feeling that Mrs Lan wrote whenever and wherever she could. There isn't a set pattern to any of the notes either, so he just picks up the first one and reads aloud.

"I love you, A-Yi." He swallows hard, a few times, willing himself not to imagine what JingYi will feel when he reads this. "I want to tell you that the most, and I know you're too little to understand very much about us, but it's what I want you to know, whenever you think about me." Her writing becomes even smaller as she runs out of space. "Our time is running out. Sometimes, I think it's in direct proportion to how well I've looked after you. Maybe I don't deserve to be your mo-"

Wei Ying bursts into tears.

Lan Zhan quietly moves everything out of the way and lifts him into his lap. He would be crying too, if the ability to do so hadn't been taken out of his hands. As it was, there was a terrible pressure behind his eyes and they were burning.

Nothing he could say would make this any better, so he gently strokes Wei Ying's hair, wanting to ease both of their pain. He can feel Wei Ying trying to calm down, taking deeper and deeper breaths, because they really didn't have a lot of time.

"I think perhaps we need to sort out the messages," he says suddenly, as a moment of inspiration comes to him.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Wei Ying hastily drinks from the glass of water Lan Zhan gives him. It's strange how such a simple thing can make him feel better so fast.

"It would not be ... a good idea to let JingYi read that, right now. We don't want to make him feel worse." Lan Zhan explains.

"Yeah, you're right. I don't know why I thought whatever Mrs Lan wrote would be appropriate for a six year old. I can't even begin to get my head around what that would do to our A-Yi." Wei Ying agrees.

"What if we make piles?" Lan Zhan suggests.

"What, labelled: Traumatic, even more Traumatic and Burn These?" Wei Ying is feeling more than a little bit annoyed at Mrs Lan.

"Maybe she was on the run? It is not easy," Lan Zhan gestures towards himself. "The Change. Plus, looking for her husband, having to feed questionably, staying out of the clutches of the Wens..." Then he sighs. "I am not on her side, just that it would explain the content of her messages. She might not have been in the correct frame of mind to write appropriately."

Wei Ying releases the stress making his shoulders tense. He reaches forward and rubs Lan Zhan's forearm comfortingly.

"I get it. Let's continue."

This time, they both take turns reading the material and sorting it out into separate piles for what they can let JingYi read now if he wants to, and what should definitely wait until he's older.

Every single letter or message, no matter how bad the writing is, and sometimes it really is illegible, all of them begin with "I love you".

That, in a small way, makes Wei Ying forgive Mrs Lan a little bit.

And then, underneath all that, they find a self-seal plastic bag full of photos.

There are pictures of when JingYi was a baby, and his age is written on the back of each one in an untidy scrawl. From one month old, to a few months, six months and then a year, all the way up to age five. Of those, there's about ten pictures in all, and then another two, tiny ones, obviously taken in a photo booth.

It is Mrs Lan holding JingYi with another man.

Wei Ying had only seen Mr Lan a few times, on the off chance he was home and Mrs Lan couldn't come to the door, and when he had passed away, last week.

This wasn't him.

"Do you think that's JingYi's dad? His real dad? Wen something?" Wei Ying says, suddenly excited.

Lan Zhan turns the photo around to read what's written.

No matter how bad her writing, at least Mrs Lan had the foresight to explain something about all the pictures.

But here, she's only written down, "mummy, daddy, and Baby".

"It is a good guess. Logical assumption." Lan Zhan says, as Da Tuzi knocks on their door, signalling the time for dinner.

Wei Ying carefully packs away the letters which they want to preserve until JingYi is older, and then he returns the photos and the good letters to the navy coloured backpack, ready to show JingYi later.

For now, it will be better if the children and their family can eat peacefully.

**************

Once dinner is over, Wei Ying makes the boys stay behind. They wait as he explains to Uncle Qiren that he and Lan Zhan have something important to share with the children, and they may or may not return to say goodnight to him afterwards.

A-Yuan solves that problem by hugging Uncle Qiren now and telling him his goodnight wish earlier, saying it was better to have it early than not at all. Uncle Qiren visibly softens at this, and when JingYi does the same, it's all over for the three of them.

And then they're climbing the steps to Lan Zhan's bedroom, where Da Tuzi has made sure the fire is crackling merrily behind the grate, and vanilla and cinnamon candles have been lit, making it feel welcoming and spreading warmth.

Wei Ying resists the urge to play with both of the boys, instead climbing into the centre of the bed and taking JingYi into his lap, while Lan Zhan sits next to him so their knees are touching, with A-Yuan happily leaning back against his chest. His hand creeps forward to grab JingYi's one, their fingers tightly clasped together.

Wei Ying's gaze falls on that and he smiles sadly.

"A-Yi, we have something important to tell you about your mama," he says as softly as he can.

"Mama? Is she coming here? When?" JingYi sounds so excited and longing.

It breaks Wei Ying's heart again and again, at the thought of telling him that it was never going to happen now. His arms are already around the little boy, and he makes himself look into JingYi's eyes. There is so much trust reflected back at him, and Wei Ying feels like the worst kind of person, because even indirectly, he will be hurting his little boy.

"So your Mama was sick," he changed it at the last minute. There's no need to frighten either of his boys with anything so scary; should the need arise later, he and Lan Zhan can tell them the truth when they're older. For now, this should suffice.

"Sick?" The ready smile vanishes from his young face.

"Yeah, she wasn't well."

"Is she in hospital? Mama says that's where people who are sick go to get better," JingYi says, hope dawning on his face. "Are we going to go see her?"

Wei Ying shakes his head now. "No...she's...she isn't there. JingYi, she passed away. She died." Wei Ying only wants to do this once, and he's not going to let JingYi misunderstand in any way. It's better to rip off the bandaid in one go and soothe the sting once rather than revisit the same wound again and again.

"Died?"

Wei Ying can see him doing his utmost best to understand.

"What happens when you die?" A-Yuan asks him. He crawls out of Lan Zhan's lap and comes to sit on Wei Ying's free thigh, so now both kids are in his lap.

Wei Ying's arms are already around both of them. He's in a dilemma because how does he make death something easy to understand?

"Different people believe different things," he says carefully.

"What does Baba believe?" A-Yuan starts playing with his hand.

"I think when we die, we go to a place where we can rest."

"What's it like?" A-Yuan persists.

"I think it must be a beautiful place, with lots of flowers all the time," Wei Ying tells them, praying for inspiration.

"And grass?" JingYi asks him.

"Yes, lots of grass." Wei Ying kisses the top of his head.

"But why do you have to go somewhere else to rest? Why can't Mama sleep here? With us?" JingYi thinks about it.

"In all of our bodies, we're part of something very special," Wei Ying says. "It's called a soul. Everyone has one."

"Why?"

Oh no...this was about to get incredibly complicated, Wei Ying thinks, glancing up at Lan Zhan for help.

"It is like a battery," Lan Zhan is suddenly inspired.

"What?" Wei Ying mouths at him silently, wondering how that's going to help.

But apparently, Lan Zhan is onto something, because he nods and shuffles closer. "When we play with our lego cars, they don't work without a battery, right?"

Wei Ying beams at him, immediately getting where he's going with this example. Lan Zhan is brilliant!

Both JingYi and A-Yuan are already nodding at him. Lan Zhan continues.

"When something happens to a car, or a helicopter that we've made-"

"Like that time we crashed it?" JingYi interrupts him.

"Mn. The helicopter was damaged, but the battery was good. We put it into another car and it worked fine." Lan Zhan ruffles his hair with his big palm affectionately.

"So...Mama is a battery right now?" JingYi scrunched up his nose thoughtfully. "When is she coming back, then?"

Lan Zhan flounders, staring back at Wei Ying, willing him to continue.

"She has to wait until someone makes another body for her," Wei Ying winces internally, hoping what he and Lan Zhan are saying to them makes sense.

"Will she remember me?" JingYi asks them.

"That's a little bit more complicated," Wei Ying tells them both. "When our bodies are too tired and they don't work any more, we have to go somewhere else to rest. That's a special kind of sleep, and it makes us forget about our life."

"Why?" A-Yuan jumps in.

Both children are doing their best to understand what happens after death, and they're fascinated with this topic. Their attention is wholly on both Wei Ying and Lan Zhan, to the point that they're not even blinking any more.

"When we fit a new battery in a car, and it came from the helicopter, it has to learn how to fly the helicopter now. But it only knows how to power a car, with four wheels on the ground. That knowledge can't help it anymore, because we've just put it inside a helicopter-"

"Which doesn't have any wheels!" JingYi shouts in glee, the biggest smile on his face when Lan Zhan smiles kindly at him. "It's got to figure out how to make the helicopter go, but it only remembers the car. So we have to make it forget about the car, and then it can learn how to make the helicopter fly in the sky!"

"Yes!" Wei Ying says jubilantly, giving Lan Zhan an enthusiastic high five.

"So that sleep is very important. It's like wiping a whiteboard. We want to write instructions on the whiteboard for how to make the helicopter fly, but there's no space left, just the instructions on how to make the car go. So the sleep is really wiping everything off the board so the battery can make a new start and learn something new." Lan Zhan explains, hoping they'll get it.

"But if she isn't coming back, then...then I can't see her anymore?" JingYi's eyes fill with tears.

The lump is back in Wei Ying's throat, but this time, it's the size of a boulder. He valiantly blinks back his tears, his eyes stinging badly. But he's got to make this better for them. He pulls JingYi even closer to his chest with the one arm, holding him there and kissing the top of his head.

"No, once people die, we can't see them again. But your mama, she knew she was sick. So she left this for you," Wei Ying says, pulling the backpack to rest in front of them. Maybe distracting him will make this easier.

"Mama left this?" JingYi asks him suspiciously.

"Yes. She really wanted to stay here with you, but she couldn't. She was looking for your- for someone." Wei Ying changes it just before the wrong word falls out of his mouth. It won't do any good to remind JingYi about his mother's murderer. He quickly moves on. "She wrote you lots of messages, A-Yi, because she knew she might not get another chance."

"Like your Mama did?" JingYi asks him.

Wei Ying hadn't been expecting that.

"Yes, Sweetie. Like my Mama did. Shall we see what she left you?"

When he nods, Wei Ying helps him with the zipper.

JingYi picks up the plastic bag first, and opens it with his chubby fingers. The pictures come out first, being the most solid item in the bag.

A-Yuan scoots closer, grabbing JingYi's knee and they both coo and laugh at the pictures until JingYi reads the back of one of them.

"This is me?" His gaze unquestionably finds Wei Ying to tell him the truth.

Wei Ying nods.

"I think your Mama saved these pictures for you, because you are very special, A-Yi." He thinks Mrs Lan must have taken these and anything else she wanted to save from her home when she returned from the morgue.

JingYi takes his time looking through the pictures once more, armed with the knowledge that they're not some random baby, but himself. And he spends more time with the last two pictures, a happy, smiling baby with equally happy, smiling parents. His first finger traces their faces.

"I don't remember him," JingYi finally says. "Is he also passed away?"

"I think so," Wei Ying tells him softly.

JingYi puts the pictures back into the self-seal bag, needing a little bit of help.

"Mama and Baba..." he doesn't finish the sentence.

"We can have a ceremony, A-Yi," Wei Ying promises him wetly. "We can have a special day, just for all of our parents. A-Yuan's, yours, mine and your A-Die's. We can remember all the good parts of them, make their favourite food, and offer prayers for them." It feels right to say this.

"Mn." Lan Zhan places his hand on Wei Ying's knee.

"Yeah...that's good." JingYi says quietly. "Will Mama be able to see me?"

"Yes," Wei Ying says as certainly as he can. "On that day, when we light a candle to her, she will be able to see you in a dream. Then you can tell her how you're doing, anything fun that you did, you can tell her that you're happy so she won't worry about you, you can tell her anything you want to."

"Can I tell her that I miss her?" Tears roll down his round cheeks.

"Yes, Baby, of course, you can! You can tell her everything. If you want to, you can write her a note." Wei Ying comforts him as much as he can.

"Will I be able to see her?" He asks, uncertainly.

"Probably not. She will have a magical body, one that you can't see with these eyes, but that doesn't mean she's not there. People can be invisible, too."

"Okay." JingYi accepts it with the trust of a six year old.

He picks up a paper napkin with a restaurant logo on the corner, unfolding carefully so it doesn't tear.

"Shall I help you read it?" Wei Ying offers.

"With the big words?" JingYi asks.

Wei Ying nods.

Lan Zhan looks at the three faces with their cheeks pressed together as they begin to read. Wei Ying only helps when JingYi pauses, stumbling over messy writing or longer words than he's used to.

A-Yuan is silent, his chubby fist holding onto JingYi's free hand with determination, wanting to naturally comfort his best friend. And Lan Zhan was right: his presence is surprisingly mature, quietly supporting his family and not interrupting this.

"I love you, A-Yi." JingYi reads, and then he adds his own words, too. "I love you, Mama."

"Good boy," Wei Ying whispers to him, before he continues.

"I'm at the zoo today, and I can see a little boy with his family. He looks so happy with his little brother and his two dads. They make me happy. I wish we had come to the zoo even once. Which animals do you like the best, A-Yi? Your father loved the penguins because of the way they waddle on the ground, but then they're so good at swimming!

"My favourite animals are the otters because they're so naughty, stealing each other's food and playing tag in the water. But the best part is when they go to sleep, they hold hands so they stay together. I wish I can always hold your hand, my precious baby."

Wei Ying wonders if this is that day, when he and Lan Zhan brought their children to the zoo. Mrs Lan said she had been trying to keep Mr Lan away from them that time, and what if she was writing about them? Maybe it was her way to be part of that family trip and share in her son's joy.

The letter ends and JingYi picks up another one, while A-Yuan tries to keep his eyes open.

"I love you, A-Yi. I love you, Mama," JingYi starts off saying, returning the same sentiment before carrying on with the next part of the message. This time, it's a lime green receipt, and it's a little grubby. "Do you still like this colour? I saw it and thought of you."

JingYi picks up another message, blinking rapidly because it's hard for him to stay awake as well. A-Yuan is already fast asleep on his right. He just about makes it through this letter too, and then he's nodding off.

Wei Ying looks up to see the softest expression on Lan Zhan's face as he rises first, to pluck A-Yuan out of his arms. He begins to hum the lullaby his mother used to sing to him in this very house, and he knows Wei Ying is following him as they go into the next room where the children sleep, because another beautiful voice hums along with him.

Yes, tonight was hard. What they had to do for their children was something that Lan Zhan desperately hoped other parents wouldn't have to go through, but he also knows that it is a naive wish.

They quickly and efficiently change the children into their night clothes and tuck them in without disturbing their rest, leaving a nightlight on and glasses of water on either side of the huge bed.

When they return to their room, Wei Ying packs up the items on their bed and puts them inside the backpack. He's exhausted by the events of the day, and both he and Lan Zhan change into sleepwear and find each other under the covers.

Wei Ying snuggles into Lan Zhan's chest, already half asleep, but he has one last question to ask.

"Sweetheart...did we do okay? With JingYi?"

"Mn. Wei Ying was exceptional."

Lan Zhan hasn't finished speaking and Wei Ying has fallen asleep in his arms.

Parenting was hard, walking across hot coals sometimes, or over a minefield of mistakes, but so, so worth it. No one had a map to help them out, but they were together, and like that, they could do anything as long as they had love in their little family.

*************

A/N

So....this one was possibly the hardest one to write? That's why it took me longer because I had to be six years old again, hehe.

My family and especially my dad, took all my questions about death and the afterlife seriously, when i was a kid. We have never shied away from it, going so far as to be able to joke about it now. I sincerely hope that this chapter doesn't offend anyone, because it's a serious subject and uncomfortable for many. I hope I have dealt with it in a sensitive way, though.

I guess we all need lots of chocolate 🍫 🍫🍫🍫🍫🍫 after that! Hopefully, the next chapters will be lighter and happier.

Charlie.