"There you go, Skapari. Check that out. Isn't it beautiful?"

"Huh? What, that pile of rocks over by the volcanic vents?"

"No, not the rocks. The stuff next to the rocks."

"The other rocks, mate?"

"No, not the bloody other rocks. The other stuff."

"No idea what you're on about, Am. The only other thing I can see is a puddle of sludge."

"But that's it! That's what I'm talking about. The glorious fruition of all my eons of striving."

"Sludge is the glorious fruition of all your eons of striving? Er...congrats?"

"Ah, but it's so much more than sludge. Within that sludge, bubbling away before our omniscient gazes, is the universe's very first example of life. That, my friend, is sludge that can make itself."

"Sludge that can make itself?"

"Damn straight. Pretty impressive, hey?"

"Well...quite frankly, not to put to fine a point on it—no, not very. If you can make as much sludge as you like—and we both know you can, 'cause you've got planets of the stuff—then why in the universe would you want it to make itself? I mean, it's sludge."

"Ah, but that's the thing, you see. It's sludge now. Who knows what it might be tomorrow?"

"Still sludge?"

"No! Well, yes. And probably the day after that, too. But what about in a century or a millennium or an epoch or an eon? What then?"

"Uh...sludgier sludge?"

"Maybe, Skapari. That's certainly a possibility. But so is sludge that's less sludgy. Or, just possibly, sludge that isn't sludge at all. There is a vast range of potential non-sludge-related lifeforms that may, in the fullness of time and evolution, emerge from that puddle. And, just maybe, if we get lucky, some of those suckers might be sentient."

"The fullness of time and what?"

"Evolution, Skarpers. The organic chemicals bubbling around in that puddle didn't just become life and then call it quits, you know. Already, there's a process, a mechanism, a force driving the stuff in there to change from one particular state to a more advanced state. Or at least to a more survivable state. A change I reckon will continue. And I've decided to call it evolution."

"Huh, whatever. You could have called it skapari."

"Hey, no need to sulk. I know it's tough being a deity with no dominion, but at least you get to watch how great mine is going. Tell you what, if another separate process of life kick-starts somewhere along the way and turns out to be nothing like this one, I'll call that one skapari. How about that?"

"You promise?"

"Creator's honour. Now, shut-up, brace yourself and hold tight—it's sludge-watchin' time."

~~~~

"Well, I gotta hand it to you, Am. The sludge thing really worked out. That evolution is the business. I mean, it took a few billion years, but now, from the equator to the poles, you've got life up the wazoo and from here to breakfast. The place is positively teeming."

"Yeah, it's alright, I guess."

"Alright? Big, stompy things are swanning about the landmasses, scary things with way too many teeth are prowling the depths, there are insects all over the place, plants are photosynthesising up a storm and even the microbes are going gangbusters. I'd say that's better than alright. It's certainly better than sludge."

"I s'pose."

"Hey, what's the problem, mate? Why so glum? I thought a whole bunch of life was what you wanted. And you've nailed it—you've got quantity and variety."

"Yeah, but no sentience. That's what I'm really after. And I figured it would just—you know—kinda emerge from it all. After all, we got migratory patterns and herd dynamics and caring for young and all kinds of stuff sort of on the spectrum of smartness, or at least pointing in that direction. But that's all just instinct. It's not actual intelligence—not consciousness. Billions of organisms down there and there's not a single abstract thought among 'em. It's bloody annoying."

"Yeah, I see what you mean. Bummer. But don't beat yourself up about it, mate. Just supernova their star and have another crack somewhere else. It's a big universe, after all."

"What, and start from scratch? After how long it took last time around? And quite apart from that, even if I could spark things up again I'm not keen on a few billion years of sludge-watching re-runs."

"Fair point, fair point. So, maybe a supernova is a bit harsh. How about a solar flare? Or a meteor? Or some other big-arse catastrophe-type thing? You know, something to wipe out most of the no-hopers down there but leave enough survivors to give the whole evolution thing a bit of a do-over?"

"Hmm, a mass extinction event. Interesting. You know what? I like it. I like it a lot. And there's a whopper of a supervolcano lurking just under the equator that will be perfect for the job. I've been keeping a lid on the thing while I saw how those little chipmunky things with the kinda opposable butt-cheeks turned out, but it's pretty clear they're a bust, brains-wise. So, time to let 'er rip."

~~~~

"Nothing, mate?"

"Nada, Skarpers. A whole bunch of different life this time around, but still not a decent set of frontal lobes in sight."

"Really. Shame. So...?"

"Let's see, this time I'm thinking, um...a massive ice-age."

"Wow, that's cold, mate. Haha, get it?"

"Skarpers, your humour is right up there with your creation skills. Now, shut up so I can concentrate. These ice-sheets aren't going to march across the land in relentless, forbidding grandeur all on their own."

~~~~

"How'd we do this time, Am?"

"Crapola, Skarps. Same as the first coupla times. Life by the planet-load, but not an iota of sentience, on land or sea. You know, I'm starting to think it's just not gonna happen. Maybe, when it comes to consciousness, us creator-types are it."

"Yeah, maybe. We are pretty spesh, after all. Still, one more go can't hurt, can it? What do you reckon?"

"Dunno if I can be bothered, to tell you the truth."

"But look, there's a perfect meteor cruising by right this very moment. All it would take is a little nudge."

"Nah."

"Go on, just the tiniest push."

"Bugger off, Skapari. I'm done."

"But the trajectory is almost perfect, mate. Just the weeniest, most microscopic of wafer-thin little bumps is all it needs. Go on, you know you want to."

"Oh, fine. Anything to shut you up."

~~~~

"Skapari, do you see what I see?"

"Huh? What's this? Some new version of I Spy?"

"No, you idiot. Look over there, in the tropics. That group of hominids in the clearing by the lake."

"What, the hairy ones busy scratching their butts, sleeping, shagging and/or picking their noses? Those hominids?"

"Yes, those ones. Well, no, not those exact ones. The one over near the edge of the group. Do you see what she's doing?"

"The little one? Yeah, she's scratching her butt."

"Aha! She is indeed. And what is she scratching her butt with?"

"I dunno. Her fingers, I guess."

"And you'd guess wrong, my friend. Take a closer look."

"Hmm, let's see. Oh, yeah. She's got a stick. A butt-scratching stick. What's the big deal?"

"The big deal, you dense deity, is that her butt-scratching stick is no ordinary stick."

"It isn't?"

"No, it isn't. Her butt-scratching stick is in actual fact a butt-scratching tool. A tool I watched her craft, sharpen and employ, with precision and deliberation. Skapari, do you know that stick is?"

"Um. Smelly?"

"Yes, undoubtedly. But smelly or not, that stick is also a surefire sign that I've finally cracked it."

"What, the stick?"

"No, not the stick, dummy. Sentience. That stick means sentience has finally evolved."

"Really? Wow, that's awesome, mate. I'm really glad for you. Only..."

"Only what?"

"Only I really hope it keeps on evolving. 'Cause she's now using the same stick to pick her nose."