Song: Love Alone- Katelyn Tarver

Weak

I wasn't at the hospital today. Ryan told me to take a rest at sila naman daw muna ang magbabantay kay Sam. It took him a lot of tries before I finally gave in and decided to go home.

The hospital is thirty minutes away from our apartment. Ryan already suggested to transfer Sam to a different hospital, 'yung mas malapit. Pero ang sabi ko kasi na wag siyang ililipat ng hospital hangga't hindi siya nagigising.

Nang makarating ako sa apartment namin, loneliness crept into me. This used to be such a happy and love filled apartment. Now, it's empty and isolated. Iba parin talaga kapag nandidito siya. I even tried to imagine how she usually welcomes me whenever I get home from practice.

There will always be a smile on her face. It will never leave her lips until I walk towards her and give her a kiss.

"Hey! You're early today," She said when I went home early from practice.

I smiled at her at isinara na ang pinto. Binalik niya ang tingin sa kanyang niluluto at tsaka tinikman ito. She turned to me again and smiled.

I swear, I will never get tired of seeing this smile from her. So genuine.

"I'm cooking your favorite!" she exclaimed happily.

Lumapit ako sakanya at agad na ipinulupot ang aking mga braso sa kanyang baywang. Ipinatong ko ang aking baba sa kanyang balikat. I look over to what she's cooking.

It's chicken tikka masala. Naalala ko pa noong sinabi niya na inaral niya ito para sa akin. She discovered that it was my favorite dish kaya naisipan niyang aralin kung paano iyon gawin.

I smiled at her. I pressed a kiss on her neck and she giggled.

She stirred the pan at bahagya akong nilingon. "You're early today ah? Di kayo pinagalitan?"

I chuckled. Kapag kasi late akong nakakauwi, isa lang ibig sabihin noon. Hindi nagustuhan ni Coach ang naging performance naming sa practice. Tumatagal kami dahil ilang oras ang inaabot ng sermon niya.

"Nah... We told our coach that we wanted to get home early to our girlfriends."

Nakita ko siyang ngumiti sa gilid ng aking mga mata. Mas ibinaon ko ang mukha ko sa balikat niya. We've only been apart for like eight hours, but I already missed her so much.

Ano pa kaya ngayong mag tatatlong buwan na siyang hindi gumigising?

Ang pagsara ko ng pinto ang nagbalik sa akin sa kasalukuyan. I walked towards the kitchen to check if there's food. Ryan and Tony stayed here last week. Malayo pa kasi sa ospital 'yung bahay nila. That's why they asked me if they could stay over to our apartment first.

I don't really mind dahil nasa ospital lang naman ako lagi.

I tried to look for some entertainment pagkatapos kong kumain. I even tried to watch the television but it didn't help to made me feel entertained. This apartment just feels so lonely.

Ano kaya ang pakiramdam kapag nagpunta ako sa bahay namin ni Sam doon sa Pilipinas? Will it feel lonely like this?

When Sam broke up with me, I didn't stay there. Because without her there, it doesn't feel like home. I brought Bear with me at doon kami nanatili sa kanila Mommy.

And when we returned here in New York, I left Bear with my family. Walang araw na hindi ko tinatanong sakanila ang kalagayan ni Bear. Sam always does that. At alam ko rin na matutuwa siya kapag nalaman niyang kinakumusta ko si Bear on her behalf.

I also give her updates about our dog even though she doesn't hear me.

I turned off the TV and decided to just go upstairs and sleep in our room. Ngayon nalang ulit ako nakauwi at ganoon parin ang pakiramdam sa tuwing hihiga ako ng mag-isa dito sa kama.

We used to talk about a lot of things before we go to sleep. We talk about our plans, stories that we've never told each other before. We tell each other a lot of things. Now, I'm lying here alone with no one to talk to. 

I stared at the ceiling and imagine us lying next to each other here in bed.

"You know, I went to visit my grandparents with my father." she told me. A small smile lingered on my lips.

I'm happy that the life she imagined to have is coming into a reality.

"How did it go?" I asked.

"It was fun! Ang saya pala ng buhay probinsya!"

"How long did you stay there?"

"A week or two? I don't know. I didn't count because I'm enjoying so much!" she giggled. I pulled her towards me.

"Ikaw? Anong ginagawa mo nung wala ako?" she asks.

"Wala. Sa bahay lang."

Inangat niya ang tingin sa akin. She made a face that looks like she's not believing me.

"Sa bahay lang..." she mocked at me. I poked her side.

"What?" I asked.

"You were seen at a party with some girl and-"

"I told you she was just a friend. There's nothing to worry about."

"I'm not worried about it. I'm just..."

"Jealous?" I finished for her. Pinalo niya ako.

O, diba? Tama ako!

"I'm not," she tried to deny it but it's obvious. My baby is jealous.

"Why would you be jealous? You broke up with me." I teased. She hit me again. This time, I laughed.

"What are you?! Oh my god! Why are you bringing that up?" she said, naiinis na ata.

Pikon talaga...

"Because-" she didn't let me finish it because she already covered my mouth with her hand.

"Shut up." She rolled her eyes at me. "At tsaka, parang kanina lang 'yung pagbisita ko sa lolo at lola ko ang usapan natin ah?"

Samantha pouted her lips. Ngumiti ako. She looks very, very cute when she does that. And I can't help myself but smile and pull her closer towards me.

I pressed a kiss on her lips. She pouted more. Inulit ko iyon. Ngumuso parin siya. Ilang beses kong inulit iyon hanggang sa makita ko na ang ngiti sa kanyang labi.

That's more I like it.

"Don't worry. That won't ever happen again. I wouldn't let you leave me, Sam." I said seriously.

Kaya ngayon, lagi kong hinihiling sa mga doctor na huwag nilang pababayaan ang buhay ni Sam. Na wag nilang hahayaang mawala siya sa akin.

Not again... I've had enough.

I already lost someone I love. And I can't afford to lose one again.

Nagising na lamang ako nang marinig ko ang malakas na tunog ng aking cellphone. Kahit na inaantok at tinatamad na tingnan kung sino iyon ay sinikap ko parin iyong kuhanin mula sa side table.

"Hello?" I said in a grumpy voice.

"Zach..." ang boses na iyon ang bumuhay sa natutulog kong diwa.

Ryan's voice sounds really worried that it made me worry, too.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Sam... she's crashing again."

"What?!" napatayo ako sa kama at mabilis na bumaba ng hagdan upang sumugod sa ospital.

Parang kanina lang inaalala ko pa ang nakasanayan namin dito. Ngayon, she's back to battling for her life again. Kinuha ko ang susi ng aking kotse kung saan ko ito huling iniwan.

Mabilis kong pinakatakbo ang kotse papunta sa ospital. I'm glad they didn't arrest me for over speeding.

I reached the hospital in less than ten minutes. Agad akong tumakbo papunta sa ICU para tingnan ang nangyayari. A lot of doctors are inside her room at may kung anu-anong ginagawa. I want to enter but they closed the door for us, meaning that it's prohibited to get inside.

"What happened?"

"Sam had seizures again." Ani Tony.

"Ang sabi ng doctor, baka daw dahil iyon sa kakulangan ng oxygen sa utak niya."

I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my hair and face. I walk back and forth as I watch the doctors does something to Sam that I can't even explain because I'm not a medical practitioner.

Every time I move my feet, I can feel how anxious I was while waiting for the doctors to finish what they're doing.

Mabilis akong nagtungo sa may pinto nang makita kong papalabas na ang doctor. Agad ko siyang sinalubong upang itanong sakanya ang nangyari.

"This is her fifth time of having a seizure. There are risks but we'll do our best so that the seizures won't happen again."

"What are the risks?" I asked. The doctor sighed.

"This is not some late post-traumatic seizures anymore. Having more than one seizure since the injury can lead to an epilepsy."

What the freaking hell!? No...

"Oh, god..." narinig kong sinabi ni Ryan. I just stared at the doctor.

"If this happened again, we have no choice but to give her medicines that can cure her epilepsy. We can give that through her IV."

"No. What you should do is to prevent that from happening again." I exclaimed angrily.

Hindi pa ba sapat na nacomatose na siya at kailangan pang magkaroon siya ng epilepsy?! This is too much!

"We'll try and do our best, sir."

"You should. After all, you're medical practitioners! You know what to do!"

The doctor's lips pursed. Nilingon niya sila Ryan na lumapit sa akin para pakalmahin ako. He smiled a little.

"Okay, sir. We'll do our best." Ulit niya. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

Naramdaman ko ang pagtango ni Ryan. "Thank you."

"Zach, you need to calm down." Paalala ni Ryan sa akin. I turned to him, nag-aalala parin para kay Sam.

"How?!" I asked. He shut his mouth. He turns to Tony like he's asking help from him.

"How will I stay calm when there's a possibility that my girlfriend can acquire epilepsy? Is being in a coma not enough? Bakit may ganito pa? Bakit kailangan pang humantong sa ganito?" I asked frustratingly. Nilingon ko silang dalawa.

Both of them are just looking at me. Hindi alam ang isasagot. Sabagay, hindi naman sila ang doctor ni Sam... hindi talaga nila mabibigay ang sagot na gusto ko.

"You know what-"

"Look at you," hindi ko na natapos pa ang sasabihin ko dahil pinutol ito ni Ryan. Nilingon ko siya nang nakakunot ang noo. "You're being too weak. You're being too weak for Sam."

"How may I suppose to stay strong, Ryan? She's been through so much and the least that she can do is to wake up!"

"Sa tingin mo ba ganoon nalang kadali iyon para sakanya? Can't you see that she's not yet done fighting? Kasi, Zach, kung sumuko na siya... wala na siya dito... hindi na natin siya nakikita pa ngayon. Pero hindi! Nandidito siya at lumalaban!" Ryan almost shouted. I tried to control my breathing.

I just can't help but let anger get to me. I'm just so mad that Sam has to go through this. She has the most beautiful soul, yet she has to undergo through this hell.

"The least that she can do for us is to wake up?" Ryan laughs at what I said a while ago. "Bullshit!"

"She didn't owe us anything, you know..." his voice started breaking. "We're the one who owe something from her. Kasi, alam mo, pwedeng-pwede naman siyang sumuko, e... pwedeng-pwede siyang bumitaw. Pero alam kong hindi niya ginagawa 'yun dahil ayaw niya tayong iwan. Kaya, Zach, the least that we can do for her is to be strong. That's what she wants. At hindi iyon ang pinapakita mo ngayon."

I shut my eyes. Umiling ako.

I wanted to ask how. Kasi hindi ko alam. Hindi naman ako naging matatag para kay Cindy noon, e. Paano ako magiging matatag para kay Sam gayung hindi ko naman alam kung paano?

I ran my fingers through my hair. At piniling wag nalang magsalita. Ryan's right. I'm being too weak for her. Nangako ako sakanya noon na magiging matatag na ako para sakanya. Pero kabaligtaran ang ginagawa ko ngayon.

I'm a very weak person when it comes to the people I love and treasure the most. That's why I have no idea what to do when I lose them.