Life and death

Life doesn't always mean you are living. Sometimes it also means a life without being alive.

Year have passed and yet everything feels like yesterday.

Life has a variety of meanings and as my life went on and going so long... I have discovered another way to illustrate life.

Life  became one of my favorites now for it is what my Roxanne wanted me to take extra care of. After her burial...all I could think is to go next to her but everytime I tried to do so...her sweet voice will always replays on my head na inaakala kong nasa tabi ko lang siya.

The blade was on my wrist and yet I am not able to do it because of her. Ang lakas pa rin niya sa akin at parang buhay na buhay pa kahit wala na sa tabi ko.

Life has a three stages and each stages have a variety of phases that we'll experience. We all know how life started and how will it end but we are not yet sure what will happen along the way.

A famous quote and lesson from other people make me realize how important our present time is. Past doesn't matter but its lesson does. Past means already finished and we shall not dwell on it if wanted to go on with our lives. We shouldn't think about our future more often because we will only get disappointed and upset if our fiture comes and none of out plans succeed.

We should only focus on our present time for it is a gift from God that we are going to be able to control our past and our future.

This lesson has a great and deep set of meanings that even how much you understand it...it will still take you time to share it.

I wasn't able to move on easily. Well that is because my way of moving on is way impossible and so wrong. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting something or someone but it means continuing. It is impossible for us to forget those people that became vital in our life so moving on by forgetting them will be so hard to achieve.

So I did an alternative. I've moved on by accepting that her physical body is not here with me but she will always be in my heart and mind. Her memories will keep on taunting me if I will try to erase it so I let myself to make her memories be a part of me. Not to hurt myself but to always remind myself how precious my life is.

After almost a year of moving on, I have decided to continue her dreams. I've got her notebook with me and slowly trying to achieve it one by one.

After almost three years of spending my time travelling all over our country to full fill her bucket list...I tried opening the box, one of her belongings, that was given to me by her mother.

Ang tagal na nito pero lagi akong nanghihina at natatakot na malaman ang mga laman nito.

Binuksan ko ito gamit ang necklace na mayroong kuwintas na ibinigay niya rin noon sa akin. Akala ko ay simpleng pendant lang ito pero ngayon ko lang nalaman na may use pala ito.

There's a light pink small envelope on the top so I took it first.

03-28-2022

Hi! Love,

I was compiling your gifts and letter for me in this box because I wanted you to have this on our special day. Tita Abi was so madaldal that she revealed that you are already planning on proposing to me so since the start of this year, I already started collecting our gifts for each other. 'Yong mga letters na bigay mo sa akin na nasa sticky notes kasama na rin 'yong mga bigay mong bulaklak. I am so excited to give this to you together with our pictures. Mula sa dugyot days natin hanggang sa mag-glow up tayo but I was so sad too. Kasi I know I will not be able to give this to you personally...not just because I am shy but I am afraid too, to see you being hurt by me. Kasi aasa ka lang na tatagal at aabot pa tayo hanggang dulo kahit malabo na so...plano kong ibilin nalang ito kay mama na ibigay sa'yo sa tamang panahon. This is the day that I've learned about my condition and advance double sorry if hindi ako nagsabi. I feel so down right now at ayokong makita ninyo akong ganito.

I'm really sorry for I will not be able to grant your wish and for not being able to keep my promise. Wala, eh...kinapos tayo sa panahon at oras. Pero isa lang ang gusto kong pakatatandaan mo. Mahal kita hanggang sa dulo ng walang hanggan, hanggang sa makasama rin kita rito. I will patiently wait for you here up in the sky just like how you waited for my sweet yes before. Sa ngayon, I will just make myself contented just by watching you, adoring you and loving you from a far. I love you, my own version of Romeo.

I've tried writing a poem for you pala! Read it, ha? I will make sampal to you kapag hindi mo binasa o 'di kaya ay tawanan mo ang isinulat ko. Kuha mo?
I love you ulit! I will really miss you so much. Smile for me while reading my poem, huh? I love you ulit, mga wantawsan!

Your gorgeous admirer,

Roxanne Alejandro-Fedoras

I can't help but to smile while crying. Look at her penmanship! It's so cute.

After analyzing and processing what was written in the letter agad kong hinanap sa sobre ang tula na sinasabi niya.

I found a short and yet cute paper with a branch of cherry blossom design on the upper right.

The moon was shining bright,
My mind travelled through the night,
Fighting the urge to run to you and hug you tight,
I looked at the moon trying to defend that my choice is right.

After a while,
I saw myself crying silently for the nth time,
How I wish you were here placing me on your arms,
How I wish you were here making me feel your warmth,
I bet you are also looking at the sky dreaming of me by your side.

How I wish we could stay forever in this lifetime,
Where there will be no pain and no illness holding us back.
But I know that cannot happen in real life,
For we already know that everything need to come to an end.

PS: always remember that even I failed to fight for my life I will always be forever keep my love for you shine bright like the sun in the daylight and like the moonlight in the cold starry night.