I am inwardly losing my shit currently (basically for the last 6 hours, I started at 6pm and I'm writing this at 12AM).

So, little backstory, I'm in cheerleading (not football cheer, like, look up OCF or something if you don't know what I'm talking about) and as expected, it is very physically demanding. I really love the sport (not so much my team though, my coach is... not exactly the best) and I can't really imagine my life without it. It's probably the one place where I've made friends easily (I'm super socially awkward). I have what's called a hernia (I can't really explain it, it's just this internal thing and there's a little lump on my stomach because of it and it sometimes hurts) and I was told that if cheer made it worse before I got a referral to Sick Kids (a Canadian kids hospital) I would need to leave cheer. I hadn't bothered me until today, and I had to call my Mom to leave practice because I was almost crying (yet my coach didn't notice me in clear pain).

My mom told me that if it continued to get worse, I would have to finish the upcoming competition then be pulled from the team. I literally started bawling because the sport is such a big part of my life and I enjoy it. My friend texted be after practice telling me about how I wasn't in any of the stunts (which are an important thing in the routine) because my coach thought that not being as tired would help.

I thanked her for telling me but inside I felt really shitty. What part did I even have? Did my coach think I was just gonna bail before this competitiom? I'm just praying that I get to keep my front spot in the opening and my tumbling (flipping around the floor) spot because I still want to be a part of the routine. I'm on two teams (within on single team, different age divisions, it's confusing) and the one team, the team of my age group, I could care less. That team is easy enough because it's a lower level then the team I care about, the next age group. The reason I'm on two teams is because a bunch of girls from my team got the oppourtunity to cross over onto the older team because of our skills. ANYWAYS, I always feel so awkward there because as mentioned, I'm super socially awkward, and having my spots taken away is really crushing because I'm always trying so hard to impress the older girls, and now they probably think I'm weak because of a thing in my stomach.

So, I've been crying all night and flipping my shit because I don't want to get the referral to Sick Kids and have the doctor say I have to leave cheer to get surgery. I feel like I'd just end up depressed (like actually) because even on my worst days, being able to let out my anger and sadness through cheer is what keeps me from going over the edge. I'm so stressed out and this threat of having to leave my one way of expressing my emotions without making someone mad is really, really crushing.

I don't know what to do. It's all out of my control and I can only hope that there's a good outcome.

Sorry for some random emotional stuff about a topic only a minority will know a lot about, I just need to get this out. Bottled up emotions only lead to me cracking and exploding at anyone, so I just need to write my problems away.

Hah, like writing will fix something that needs surgery...

*sigh*

Anyways, that's all,
Bweezey ~<3