4.

Lesson completely forgotten, I dazedly walked out of The Arx entrance, not even caring who might see me.

I wasn't looking ahead; I was staring down at my warmly toned hands that I had held out in front of me, afraid that if I blinked I'd find them gray once more. Tears still fell from my eyes and I was absolutely taken aback that I could really feel them, the slightest of warmth and moister sliding down my cheeks.

I laughed to myself as well, overcome by my own amazement. In the back of my mind I knew the laughter sounded insane and hysterical, but I didn't care. For the first time I could really feel.

Because I was holding my hands in front of me, laughing slash crying like a lunatic, I smashed into a meditating soul.

Souls do not meditate the way I bet most people picture whenever the word is said.

Instead, they stand upright, faces held staring into the white, limitless sky, as if searching for Paradise. They are in a trance-like state, as they are channeling whatever energy they have left into helping the human they are assigned. It takes a lot of concentration to commune with the Living Realm and it takes even more to do it all over again since they do not have as much energy as they did the first time around.

This is why they were so irate whenever stupid, old me tripped into them or accidentally broke their concentration in some way. I knew well enough to back away as fast as I could.

The man I bumped into blinked rapidly a couple of times before his head swung to face me. A look of pure frustration and animosity rested in his beady, dull eyes.

"I-I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention!" I said hurriedly.

His fat lips sputtered for a second, as if he were trying to reason out clearly where he was, before he finally seemed to recognize me as the source of his disconnection. "You little bitch!" he yelled. The animosity and frustration gave way to complete madness then.

"Do you have any idea what I was in the middle of? Do you have any idea how hard it is going to be for me to get back there with what little energy I have left? You've just made me waste more time that I could be closer to Paradise!"

"S-sorry. I can give you some of m-mine," I offered, trying to control my panicked stammering.

He snarled hatefully. "Where'd you get that color, huh? You taking my energy?!"

"No! Of course no - !"

He launched himself at me then, and before I could do anything he had his rough hands around my throat, thumbs pressing mercilessly at my wind pipe.

I struggled but he easily lifted me off the ground, which made me choke even harder. "Bitch, you bitch!" he screamed. The energy within me caused the feeling of pain to be even more vivid than I had ever felt pain to be.

Just as my vision blurred there was a swooshing noise and then all I could make out was a huge, blinding light. The hold the man had on me disappeared and I fell face first to the ground, gasping raggedly for breath. I felt a strong hand lift me gently so I was sitting on my knees coughing in air. It was Thorne, and he looked angry.

"What is the meaning of this, Between?" Thorne demanded as the man staggered to his feet. Thorne must have hit him with some of his energy, causing him to lose his footing.

"This clumsy fool broke my concentration! I was doing so well, I was moving so well towards Paradise - towards my freedom!" His voice grated with insanity and his head was shaking back and forth as if in some sort of denial that he would have to try to commune all over again. Guilt filled me.

"Sir, it was an accident. Nameless meant you no harm. You will have to do your best to get back to the Living Realm," Thorne said in a voice that might be used to calm a small child throwing a tantrum.

"No! She does not understand what it feels like to work tirelessly for freedom! She just interrupts whoever she feels like to entertain her own petty existence! I've worked hard, I was working so hard! I'm done with this, I cannot take anymore!" he wailed, grabbing the sides of his head as if it were about to explode.

"Please, I didn't mean to upset you, I promise. You can't give up," I pleaded, the guilt growing stronger. If he gave up, Thorne would send him to the Underworld.

"Shut up, wretch!" he screeched at me. "I won't do this anymore; I don't have the energy to do this anymore! I should be free by now! I'm getting older and older! I'm going to obliterate!"

"Sir, please try to calm down," Thorne said, putting one hand up, gesturing for the man to take it easy. "Do you realize what you're saying?You'll be damned to the Underworld if you choose to give up working."

"We will never stop working! They won't let us! It won't ever stop, it'll last forever and ever and ever and ever...." the man kept repeating the words over and over, rocking back and forth while squeezing his head.

Thorne shook his head sadly, and the hand he had raised to the man began to glow a beautiful, terrible gold.

"No!" I screamed as I scrambled off the ground to step in his way of the man, spreading my arms out wide to block his aim. "He doesn't deserve this, he doesn't know what he's saying!"

"Nameless, look at him, no way can he help anyone like that." Thorne spoke to me as if I were the child now.

"Please Thorne, he's not thinking clearly, he just needs to gain more energy. He'll be alright. Maybe you just need to share with him some of your energy, let him drain a little bit, like you did with me?"

Thorne averted his eyes from me. "Move Nameless, please," he said apologetically, ignoring my idea.

"He is not some animal you can just put down!"

"I have to, he's a danger now. You have to move."

I shook my head and was about to refuse again when a sharp pain exploded on the back of my skull. Everything was black for a second, then a brilliant gold.

"You bastard!" Thorne growled. I looked up from the ground I had once again hit just in time to see Thorne hurl the golden orb that was his energy at the man. On impact, the light snaked all over the man's body until it completely absorbed him, and with an agonized scream the man blew up into countless tiny flickers of light. Then all was silent. The man had been obliterated, never to exist again.

Thorne rushed over to me and tried to help me sit again. I flinched away from him as he reached for me. "Why? He wasn't thinking straight! Why did you have to do that?" I shouted up at him.

"He hit you!"he shouted back, looking stung.

"So? I was the one who disturbed him, I deserved that. He was so sad. I can't believe I didn't pay attention to where I was going," I said, shaking my head at myself in fury.

Was I that self-centered that I was oblivious to those who were working so hard around me? I complained all the time that my life was boring, but I didn't know what they had to go through all that time while I was freely reading books in my cozy little sanctuary. It was like the poor man had said.

"That doesn't mean he had the right to hurt a fellow soul. That proves he was not meant for Paradise anyway if that's how he reacts to situations."

"But to obliterate him for being upset at a deserving person?" I exclaimed.

Thorne blew out a breath irritably. "Why don't you understand? If someone commits a sin just because someone else has done so to them, then they did not learn from it or become a greater person. They can't enter Paradise like that. Plus, you only bumped into him, it was an accident."

I stared at him before saying rather coldly, "We've never worked as hard as he had in all our lives in Purgatory. It might just be an accident to us, but for him it was life shattering. You are the one who doesn't understand."

He looked as if I'd slapped him, then he stood up, towering over me. That was when I remembered what he was. A Level Three Seeker.

A rush of shock filled me as I realized I had spoken to a Master with such utter disrespect.

Frightened, I covered my head with both arms, waiting for a blow that didn't come. I heard him make a sound of hurt exasperation.

When I finally gained the courage to look up, I found that he was nowhere to be seen. I sat on the ground for a while, collecting myself before standing numbly. I had just made Thorne hate me, as all the other Seekers except Lidia did.

The sense of elation that had been there no less than five minutes ago was no where to be found. The tears of joy I shed had dried up with the divine feeling and suddenly being partially colored didn't matter at all.I was still a Between, and I had still just caused a man to be doomed to non-existence all because I hadn't the brains to pay attention to anything outside myself.

Worst of all, what I said to Thorne was wrong. He did work. He fought the Ghosts of earth. I was the one who amounted to nothing. Who did nothing.

I turned and began toward the forest again, with every intention to just stay there forever. I had to get where I couldn't disturb any other soul ever again. I ran, dodging the stiff trees, until I reached the giant mirror that was the lake.

Slowing, I walked, shoulders slumped, to the black boulder that sat at the edge of the great cliff that over looked the water. I dropped down onto it and covered my face in frustration and shame. What had I been thinking, speaking to Thorne like that when all he'd been trying to do was compensate for my mistake? Not only was I shameful, ugly, lonely, discolored, foolish, clumsy and uninteresting. Now I was ungrateful to top it all off!

Then I realized that once again I was having a poor me party of one. Removing my hands from my face I made a loud noise of disgust. Was I truly this pathetic? Couldn't I find a purpose? There had to be something I could do other than sitting around moping all the time or messing everything up for others.

"Jeesh, I guess you're just an unpleasant person all together, then," a familiar voice chided from behind me.

I jumped and turned to face Ben. "What in the world are you doing here?!"

He was leaning against a nearby tree, arms folded. "Beats me, fell asleep I guess. Man, why did I dream of this place again?" he muttered, looking around.

"You are not dreaming. I'm real, not a figment of your little brain."Honestly, I wasn't in the mood for his snide little comments or his ignorance of the realms, and it was aggravatingly baffling that he was in Purgatory again at all.

"Calm down there, Nameless," he snorted, pushing off the tree to wander over."Man, you should really think of changing your name."

"Leave! I am busy trying to think of something important and you are distracting me!"

"I can't leave, I already told you, I need your help to get out of here, like the last time."

"I will not help you again."

"Why not?"

I heaved an irritated sigh. "Because, creature, it's obvious you'll just return again. It's a waste of my time."

"How is it? From what I've gathered, you just walk around crying, making people pissed off at you."

My eyes widened and I spoke through clenched teeth. "You were spying on me?"

"Yeah, I guess. You read way too much, you know that? You don't even need to be aware you're around a person in order to drain them, I almost died of complete boredom just watching you."

"Leave!" I exploded.

"I already told you I can't. Forget Nameless, your name should be Clueless."

That was enough. Standing up stiffly, I marched passed him. I would find a purpose, and when I did, I would be able to face the Seekers, as I would be worthy of speaking to them then. Then I would tell them of this gratingly annoying creature that insisted upon materializing in this realm!

Speaking of materializing, Ben suddenly was in front of me, cutting me off as he did the time before. I didn't slow this time. I charged right through him and his form parted like mist, but then incredibly pulled back together the moment I was passed him. "Shit! Don't do that!"

"Then go find some other Between to help you and don't come near me again."

"I can't, they don't drain energy like you do!" he yelled after me.

I slowed to a halt. "What are you talking about?" I said without turning to look back at him.

"Their auras aren't like yours. They're weak and flickering. Yours is like a vacuum, it just sucks up everyone's energy, like it did with that redheaded friend of yours. It's how you got color, right? You must not have noticed before because all of the energy added up from those other weird guys doesn't amount to much."

This was nonsense. All Between could suck up energy... couldn't they?

I thought a moment at how the man hadn't changed color when he was choking me, and at how his touch didn't seem to make me feel a draining sensation or seem to steal the energy I had gained recently, although it did rob me of breath. I also thought at how no other Between ever mentioned having such ability. They'd ask The Seeker's for energy wouldn't they? The Seekers would be able to bring back energy and transfer it over to the Between, making it easier for the souls to commune with the Living Realm and therefore easier to gain Paradise, making Purgatory and Earth a better place. No soul would flee to Earth to become a Ghost if their sentence was shortened to a great extent as it most certainly would be if this was the case. The Seekers would not have to go through the trouble of scanning the Earth for the escapees. All souls would practically be guaranteed Paradise if they didn't have to work so long a time. Why wasn't this the way then? Surely The Lord would have known this idea for himself? Surely I wasn't the only one with such an ability?

My heart leapt into my throat. Thorne did not refuse the man energy because he would not do it, but because he could not do it. The man could not drain him, but I did. And Lidia. A hand fluttered to my throat as the truth settled in. I had fed off my friends, stole their energy, just like a... like a parasite.

"Are you doing that weird zone out thing again?" Ben's rudeness blasted through my internal dialogue.

"How can you see my aura, creature?" I asked finally, regaining my composure and turning abruptly to face him.

"I don't know, I see everyone's aura." he shrugged, then frowned. "And who're you calling creature, creature?"

"What do you mean? What are you?" I demanded.

"What do you mean? I'm a guy, obviously. But I guess I'm really not what you'd call ordinary. I see things other people can't see. Probably why I conjure up shitty dreams like this."

"For the last time, this is not a dream; this is the Realm of Purgatory." I squinted in thought. "How are you travelling here? And if you are merely a boy, and have a physical body, which rules out the possibility that you're dead, then how are you able to take such a form when human boys belong in the world of the living?"

"I don't know. This can't really be real though, right?" There was an edge of nervousness in his voice even though he kept a straight face. "I mean, I always thought these were just dreams, but I wonder why I can't ever just wake up from them and why I can remember them so vividly. Maybe that has something to do with...." His voice trailed off and he seemed to be staring at something else even though he was looking at me.

"What? To do with what?" I urged.

His head gave a little shake as if he were clearing away too many thoughts, then he looked at me with suspicion. "You might be one of them."

"Huh? One of what?"

He just glared at me accusingly.

"Look, I don't know how you are coming here, how you can see my aura, or why no one else can help you. I do not get why you came back here either. All I know is that I am confused at what you've just told me, but frankly it isn't my problem what happens to some rude teenage boy." I started to walk away again.

"Wait! Please wait!" he called, and the only reason I didn't continue to leave was the pure desperation in his voice. And there was something else. That fear again; the same fear that had been in his eyes. I looked back to him. His head was bowed. "Please." His voice was almost inaudible, which was pretty low not to be heard in the dead silence of Purgatory.

"What do you want from me?" I asked tiredly. "Ben, I cannot drain you all the time, I'm pretty sure it's bad for your soul, and the fact that you claim I am the only Between able to do it scares me. Is that true, or are you just toying with me?"

Ben rubbed a hand over his transparent face. "I just- I don't know what I am. What I'm becoming. I don't understand why I keep coming here. I lied before. You're the only one who's ever been able to help me free myself from these dreams...err...realms, or whatever you said. Last night was the first time I wasn't able to wake up by myself."

"Why did you lie to me, then?"

"I don't know who to trust anymore, or really what to trust anymore." His voice was filled with frustration, then he let out a breath and in that second his expression became aged, hardened. "The places I go when I sleep, sometimes they aren't nice."

I couldn't help but be overcome with sympathy for him. "What places? Where do you go, Ben?"

He looked as though he were trying to suppress a shiver. "I'm not sure, it's too dark to see anything. But they hide in the shadows. They say it's only a matter of time. That one day I won't be able to get back. It gets harder and harder to find my way back." He finally looked up at me and spoke so softly it didn't sound like the loud-mouth he was a moment before. "But you, you don't seem like one of them. Your aura, even though it drains like theirs, it isn't full of rage and evil. It's... kind of sad, actually."

I swallowed at his words. I didn't like being analyzed and I did not like that he could read me so well. I knew I was weak and surely he could interpret that from my aura. It felt as if I was standing naked in front of him. "So it's true. You can see my aura and it's different."

I hadn't said it as a question but he nodded. "It gets stronger when you're around those guys all in black." Of course he was referring to the black uniforms the Seekers wore.

"Seekers have more energy than regular souls. Ben, what did you mean my aura drains like theirs do? Who are they?"

"Demons."

"What?"

"You have an aura that drains like the Demons do." His eyes flashed with that fear for an instant, then narrowed. "You aren't one, are you?"

"Of course I'm not! There are only Demons in the Underworld." I gasped as the realization hit me. "Ben, do you travel to the Underworld?"

"I think I might," he said, voice as dark as his eyes. "It's not only when I dream though. They're all around me. They watch me. I can feel their eyes on me. It's like a cold prickling, but I never know which direction they're watching me from."

My skin goose-bumped, despite the fact that I couldn't possibly feel any temperature in Purgatory. "How awful," my voice trembled. Suddenly, throughout my entire being a feeling of unshakable wrongness consumed me. It was one of the feelings that resonated deep within your gut, like the one I got from the arrival of a soul. These Demons Ben spoke of were not to be provoked in any manner. The fact that Ben had said they watched him always was troubling. Demons were not meant to walk the earth; were not meant to stalk her inhabitants.

"It gets worse. I can't leave these places anymore by myself. You're the only way I can leave now, I've tried to by myself. It's just by chance that I traveled here again." He kicked at the ground, unearthing a stone. "It's like each time I travel, I dig myself deeper into the hole. I'm worried I won't be able to get back out if I go to them again. When I'm so far under that I can't see the light anymore, that's when they said they'd consume me like the others."

"Like the others?" His words were really making my skin crawl.

He shrugged."The ones who are like me, I suppose. I've never met any, but there has to be someone like me out there, right?"

That's when I remembered mine and Lidia's talk earlier. "We share the same dilemma. I wonder why I'm the only infant made from rape to wander Purgatory without a purpose." Like the time before, the moment I said it out loud, I wish I hadn't. I almost never talked about the fate of my parents. Why would I confide such a thing to a stranger? It's like I was vomiting out the first thing that came to mind because I finally had somebody objective to talk to.

"Made from rape?" He hesitated when saying this, trying not to pry.

"Yes," I said, straightening, deciding to commit to the subject. "My mother was raped by whoever my father was."

Ben looked at the ground and shook his head. "That... really sucks."

"Yes, it does," I said. "I am the only one here in this predicament. I had never questioned it before. I guess it didn't occur to me, even though I've been here for what seems like forever...maybe I just convinced myself I didn't notice."

"It looks like we're both alone with no answers," he sighed.

"Wow, the two most unlikely of friends have found common ground," I said with a little humor.

He snorted. "We're not friends. We're freaks with issues in common."

"Still, it is an improvement from before," I grinned at him.

Surprisingly, he smiled back, though it was just a fleeting pull of his lips. "Yeah,and I guess you aren't as ugly with some color on ya."

"Gee, thanks,"I muttered, disappointed his old, rude self had resurfaced again. But now I knew there was more to him than this insensitive clod he projected. He was actually as scared and confused as I was.

Why was I the only one? Lidia must have known more than what she had said, and that really bothered me. Lidia always was brutally honest, so if she ever did keep something from me, it must have been serious. Now that I knew something was wrong, that I should not be the only one, that I was the only Between able to drain energy, I wanted answers, wanted out of this dark cave of ignorance.

"You're doing it again," Ben once again shattered my inner babble.

"I like to think," I said curtly.

"If you spend too much time in your own head you miss stuff out here."

"If you haven't noticed, this realm is not the liveliest," I said dryly, "I think the reason I am not mad is because I stay in my head."

"I don't know, it's kind of cool how still and quiet everything is out here... I could stay here."

"But Ben, you can't stay here, can you? Your body is left somewhere unguarded where the Demons - if they are in fact Demons - can access it."

Ben looked away from me towards the lake. "Yeah, that's true."

"If they gain control of your body and you can't return to it any longer, will you die?"

"Yes," he answered without hesitation, "Maybe even end up doing something worse than dying."

"Where is your body now?"

"Back in New York." So he was from New York after all. "I fell asleep in an alley, under a fire escape."

"Are humans not supposed to have homes to retire in?"

"I don't have one."

"Oh."

"It's in more danger there. You're right, I need to get back," he said, dismissing my obvious awkwardness at trying to find something decent to say.

"Alright then, I'm going to need your hand again," I said, reaching for it.

He moved to the side, out of my reach. "What if I travel again and end up back with the Demons?"

I stared up at him, biting my lip. What would happen in that situation? He said he didn't think he could escape the realms anymore if he traveled now. Something was lurking, waiting for him to leave his body so they could...

So they could what?

The skittering of my nerves told me I didn't really want to know. In any case, whatever was stalking Ben was close to getting him, and I was the only one who could help him. But I was trapped in Purgatory. If there was some way I could be with him at all times and watch over him like the Demons were already doing, I might be able to guide him from danger. The problem was I couldn't meditate. I had no sins binding me to the Living Realm, so it was impossible for me to commune. The only way I could guard him was to leave Purgatory.

Oh, wait! What?

Was I actually considering leaving Purgatory, the only realm I'd ever known, and quite unfortunately, my only home? But then again, hadn't I been dead set on finding a purpose? Was this my purpose? It would be exactly what the rest of The Between were doing now, guiding their humans. I'd just be a little more hands on. Perhaps I could -

"Nameless! What do you think I should do?" Ben grabbed my shoulders shaking me, clearly frustrated with my zoning out. I'd never noticed how much I did it before meeting him. Product of being alone so much, I suppose.

"I am going to help you," I proclaimed, removing all other thoughts.

"You're going to do that how?"

"Simple," I said, pushing Lidia and Thorne from my mind, "I am going to become a Ghost."