Another fic!

'But you didn't even finish the ones that you --'. Yes. I know. Sorry. I got too excited. I hope you enjoy this one anyway.

For those wondering, the story was based off almost completly on Aurora's song 'Exist for Love'.

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Tom Hellman was known by many people as charming, polite and courteous, the perfect face and acts to get a load of donations that his predecessors could not get from rich men and women that would see his pretty face and be fooled by his act. He was perfect for it. Raised within the Wall Sheena, he had the correct grammar and accent, the cadence of nobility and taught to manipulate.

But Tom Hellman wasn't charming, polite, courteous or perfect when he was looking down at his sister, eyes narrowed and jaw set.

"I talked to my commander to get you a spot in case you weren't amongst the top students, and now you do this to me?" he said, voice low and dangerous through his teeth. "Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to explain you simply chose not to get into Military Police because you fancied something different, you foolish girl?"

Susanne was used to receiving long talkings-to from her older brother. His scoldings often turned into sermons longer than the preachers', and she had trained herself to always look like she was paying attention to what he was saying, even if she had already turned off her mind to get away from the sharp tone he often brought.

Tom didn't even notice that she was thinking about the interesting flower growing at the foot of the tree a few metres to his left shoulder. It was yellow, bright and alive – not common so close to the city. Susie wanted to go there and inspect it.

"And what shall I tell Dad? How do I even begin telling him that his daughter is going to die because she chose the stupidest decision she could, eager to prove something to the world?" he continued, continuing his scorching glare. "And Mum? I don't want to tell her that you're no longer going to visit her any time soon because you won't be within the same Wall? Do you even know how the world looks outside the Wall Sheena?"

Slowly, she blinked, trying to block out the words. His tone was piercing, so soon he was going to start the insults.

He spoke low enough that nobody inside the warehouse the soldiers had been reunited for choosing their destinies could hear them.

"Stupid! Foolish! Suicidal!" Tom's voice was saying.

Susanne wondered if the yellow flower was a yellow azalea. Though it was clearly still alive, it wouldn't be for long. Soon enough someone with more curiosity, opportunity and a bigger lover of beauty would get to it and pluck it. She hoped that someone knew some azaleas could be used for pain management.

Besides, azaleas survived better in mild climates. Soon enough the breeze would bring the rain that had been threatening to fall for days now; the sky was still blue, but it wouldn't last much longer.

Her brother's finger met her forehead, pushing her head back as he continued his scolding, making her push her thoughts of the flower away.

"Don't pretend you're not listening to me! I know you're about to cry!" he said, tone a bit louder now. He no longer seemed embarrassed, all that remained was anger. "This is ridiculous, Susie! Since when do you want to go outside, meet Titans face to face, fight them for your life? Since when do you want to die?"

She pressed her lips together, unsure of what to answer, but clearly her brother was tired of her silence and wanted someone in return for his words. She lowered her head, hoping she would seem regretful enough, bottom lip trembling.

"I don't want to die. I just want to help," she said, voice wavering.

It had been a while since she had to force herself to cry to make people leave her alone.

While training she didn't need to cry, always focused in her getting better or being the better, her friendships had been shallow and momentaneous, she had been friendly enough to get some respect and therefore nobody had crossed her. However, with her brothers – all older than her, taller than her, stronger than her – the only weapon she had before her training had been her tears.

"You're such a cry-baby," Tom grumbled, taking a step back and putting his hands into his pockets.

It worked every time.

At first, it had been because they were scared of their parents' reaction to making her cry in their childhood, later on because it didn't look good for boys to make girls cry and their crushes didn't like it. As they grew up, Susanne had gotten the fame of being soft and sensitive, which made all her three brothers careful whenever she looked about to cry so they wouldn't be embarrassed by the looks that would gain them.

"I want to try," she added.

Tom huffed, turning his face away and looking up at the blue sky, seemingly asking for patience under his breath.

"Write a letter. I'll take it to Mum and Dad tomorrow when we go back to headquarters," he said, narrowing his eyes at her again. "But I won't come save you if Dad comes here to drag you back home."

"I'm an adult."

"You're twenty-one," he said in disdain. "I was going back home to do laundry at twenty-one." He rolled his eyes. "I suppose I should be grateful Klaus managed to get Mum and Dad to delay your enlistment a few years, otherwise you'd be sixteen. I wouldn't let you go to Survey if you were sixteen."

"I'm turning twenty-two tomorrow," she replied.

It sounded childish even to her own ears, arguing with her brother outside the barracks right after the ceremony. If anybody had been watching, it would make things very awkward once they pulled apart.

Not many people knew that they were siblings.

Tom rarely spoke of his family, unless necessary; he said it was for their own safety.

Tom's fame often put him in a completely different baseline from other soldiers which brought a new set of expectations that nobody else could understand, that included Klaus who had chosen to be a common Garrison for the very sake of not being in Tom's shadow, Kay hadn't even gone to enlist, deciding to take over their parents' bakery. That left Susanne, who had chosen the Survey to be away from her overprotective brothers and their watchful eyes.

"Commander Keith Shadis is a good and understanding man, if you have any problem with him is of your own doing," Tom warned.

She looked up at him.

"You know him well?" she asked.

"I'm not coming all the way here to save you," he dismissed.

"I'm not asking you to, I'm just asking a question," she argued, crossing her arms in front of her body in frustration. Again, she was being treated like a child. "Do you know him?"

Tom shrugged.

"I talked to him once or twice when I came with Commander Nile," he said. Tom fixed his posture, cleaning the insignia on his chest. "Since I became Section-Commander, I have been following him to a lot of meetings with Commander-in-Chief Hansel."

Since he had gotten the promotion, Tom couldn't stop talking about it to his family, though he continued his charming posture to everybody else.

Susanne's lips curled in annoyance. "Yeah, yeah," she dismissed, doing swatting movement with her hand.

Tom glared, but there was no heat behind it. He turned his face away from her again the next second.

"What I'm trying to say is that he's going to understand if you ever change your mind and want to go home," he said, avoiding to look at her. He licked his lips, deep in thought. "And ask him for leave at the end of the year, just a few days. Kay is going to propose to Anna soon."

Susie hummed in acknowledgement, also avoiding to look at her brother.

"Yeah, I know. I helped him pick the ring," she told him.

Tom looked at her.

"He didn't tell me that," he said.

"He never tells you anything other than the necessary to get you back home in time for family gatherings," she mentioned.

He clicked his tongue in disapproval at her, but she finally turned to look at him and smiled just a bit.

She liked moments like that one, where things were light and calm between them even through their arguments. Tom could be a good brother when he tried, but he tried so hard to be a good soldier that sometimes he forgot that he didn't need to treat Susanne like one all the time.

"Don't worry, Tom. I'll be fine. I'm still a Private, there's a lot of training I need to do before they put me on a horse on its way out the Walls," she said, tone lighter.

"I'm not worried," Tom lied.

She continued to smile at him, aware that his horrible words often came from a place of wanting to protect her and failing.

Being quite a bit older than Susanne, Tom had taken upon himself to help raise her and her other two brothers, but had gotten closer to her than to the twins. However, as he grew out of the age of being at home and school, he had to step away for three years of training far from home, only to come back into the same Wall to be busy climbing ranks and sending money – that they didn't need that much – back home.

Their family never struggled with money, but it was the only way Tom could find to help them while being away. Contrary to Kay and Susanne, he couldn't go to the shop every dawn to help with the dough or the oven, he could only send money for more supplies to keep the shop standing even when the ingredients became more expensive.

"Who knows, maybe I'll be paid better than you were," she teased.

He huffed. "Shut up, cry-baby," he grumbled.

"How much does a Private in the Survey gets?" she wondered out loud, tapping her chin with a finger.

"More than Garrison, less than Military," Tom answered, smugly blinking at her.

"Silver?" she guessed, curious.

"Silver," he confirmed, seeming satisfied with being the one to give her the news.

He turned to look at her face, expecting some disappointment, but she didn't seem shaken by the news.

She just made a little noise. It wasn't that bad.

Klaus had made quite a bit of money in the Garrison by getting copper pieces, enough for food, alcohol and drugs. She would be more than well with silver pieces, even if it she would think with some envy towards the golden coins Tom got from the start of his career; after all, the Survey Corps paid for accommodation, food and horses (and their upkeep); from all the sections, she had chosen the one that wasted the least of money.

"Tom?" she said.

"Hm?"

"Can you make sure Mum won't cry?" Susanne asked, pursing her lips.

He gave a little sigh, lowering his head and hiding his brown eyes with his blonde hair. She knew what that meant.

"I can't stop her from crying, but I can stop her from dramatizing the situation too much," he offered.

"And don't let Dad come here to drag me home, please," she added to her previous request, looking at him through the corner of her eyes.

"Susie –"

"I really want to do this. It's my decision," she insisted, putting her hands behind her back. "I'm offering my heart to this, and I know I can make it through."

Tom shook his head, still disapproving of her decision but already aware that there was nothing he could do or say to make her change her mind. He knew her too well to even try to think of anything to go against her wishes; it wouldn't work anyway.

"Susie, I don't want to receive just your torn clothes or a piece of your body to bury," he admitted, tone more serious than through the whole conversation. "I've seen too many of those already. I've seen the nightmare transferees from the Survey to the Military Police have, and I don't want to think of you crying yourself to sleep every night. I want you to be safe."

There was a standard answer when things seemed too scary for soldiers, and both siblings knew it by heart.

"I'm fighting for humanity, that's the most important part," she said.

His lips trembled, almost as if he was holding himself from mouthing the words he had used so much to patronise and appease his anxious mother. A promise that his fighting and the danger he was in every day would make sense if she thought he was useful, that he was fighting for humanity as a whole – including her, including his little sister, including his future nieces and nephews.

"Don't forget I'm a soldier too, Susie. That won't work," he said, disappointed.

"It's the truth, Tom," she lied.

He took a deep breath and turned his back to her, hoping she wouldn't see the way tears gathered in his eyes.

"Write the damn letter. I'll come get it tomorrow morning before going back home, so don't make me late," he said, already walking away back to the warehouse.

Being a Private, barely just hired, was not as fun as Susanne expected.

For three whole weeks there was no adventure, not even an attempt of training her in anything other than cleaning, cooking and caring for the horses in the way her superiors wanted her to. She had to lie in her letters about how satisfied and happy she was with her job and smile to her superiors as if nothing was happening even though her callused hands had gotten to its limit, creating new calluses and painful boils that she hid and took care of alone.

Susanne didn't want anybody thinking she was soft.

She knew what people said about her behind her back, pointing out the privilege she carried with her simply by the wall she had been born within, the job her parents had and the way her brothers took to their jobs – easily, smartly.

Her mother's name didn't help either. Josi Richter's story had been quite scandalous in its time, anyone about the age of 40 would remember it, and Commander Keith's comment on it had not made it easy for her.

Josi had ran away from the man she had been promised to by her noble parents because she had fallen for her House's cook, they eloped. And now they had four children, Susanne included. They held no titles, no influence. Her mother had been taken out of the family's will, but the story remained.

Now, she had to work twice as hard to prove she was worthy of her grades, of the notes the training-officers had left in her name.

Which meant she was talking to a horse alone in the stables past her sleeping hours.

"Come on, Liv," she whined to the mare, tugging at its reins. "Just go inside! I just changed your horseshoes. I don't understand what you want."

She tugged again, harder this time.

Susanne wasn't exactly small, even though she wasn't that tall. She had strength enough to move heavy things and her leg muscles had gained its place through all the training and running she had done. She should be able to deal with a horse, but Liv was the most stubborn mare to ever exist.

"Captain Erwin will be angry with me if you don't fucking move, Liv," she said to the horse, more firmly this time.

Liv, chestnut and white, stared at Susanne as if thinking her to be nothing more than an annoying fly.

Exhausted, Susanne threw herself to the ground, sobbing without tears out of frustration.

"Do you have to be so difficult?!" she asked the horse. "I'm going to tell Captain Erwin about your stubbornness, girl, and believe me, he won't be happy! You'll get scolded!" she threatened.

"A carrot," someone said.

Like a ball thrown to the ground, Susanne seemingly bounced off the floor, standing with wide eyes to search for who had talked to her, face gaining an absurd colour of the sight of Erwin Smith standing a few feet away from the stables, hands into the pockets of his coat as he watched the scene.

"Sir!" she squeaked, giving him a formal salutation.

"At ease, Private," he dismissed, shaking his head at her formality. "Know that Liv, over here, is a very stubborn and won't obey anyone if not me... unless they bribe her with a carrot or if she thinks she's in danger. I'd greatly appreciate if you didn't try to kill my horse, so I'll allow you to get carrots from the kitchen for her. Though I'm quite sure she would've moved sooner or later, you were being a very good negotiator, by what I saw."

Horrified at having been watched as she whined and complained, trying to bargain with a horse by her Captain, Susanne just stared at the man with wide eyes while her whole face turned bright pink. She wondered if he could see her shame even under the bright moonlight – the idea of it made her blush even harder.

She looked at Liv, feeling betrayed by her shiny eyes staring back at her.

"Couldn't you have warned me we had company?" she hissed at the mare.

Erwin chuckled, leaning against the stable's wall.

"I'll put you in the rotation for horse-snacks, don't worry," he appeased her. "I'm surprised that you have been able to do this for weeks without it."

Susanne had to clear her throat to get her words out.

"I like horses, sir," she answered.

What a stupid answer! Of all the things she could've said!

"You're a natural, that's for sure," he teased.

She pressed her lips together, forcing a bashful smile. She hated that someone like Erwin had seen her in such an ungraceful situation.

Silently, as Erwin took the reins from her hands and led Liv into the stables, Susanne watched him.

Under the one lamp still with a candle lit and the moonlight, Erwin was as beautiful as he was in the sun. Blond hair, sharp features, dark eyebrows and deep eyes that made him look like the important man that he was. Nothing about him was unassuming or easy to ignore – from his height to his behaviour, Erwin Smith was everything that most men in the military dreamed of becoming.

Mentally, Susanne tried to pay attention to her own body, searching for everything that her mother had warned her about.

Butterflies in her stomach, the feeling of her heart against her ribs, the feeling of air outside of her lungs, the feeling of time slowing down as if destiny was giving her the chance of seeing everything about him.

But... there was nothing.

Disappointed, Susanne looked down.

Not that she wanted to have the love at first sight declaration coming into her life, but if she could choose someone to fall in love with, it would be Erwin Smith – kind, hardworking, loyal, faithful, logical. Still, she was disappointed in herself for still listening to what her mother would say about love and the weight it held on people, especially women.

Every time she saw a good, handsome man being nice to her, Susanne searched for love. It was never there. And every time, she would wonder if her mother was the one in a million or if Susanne was right about one thing – women were made for more than love, more than family and its implications.

"Are you alright, Private?" Erwin asked, frowning at her.

She blinked.

Fuck, she had been staring.

"Yes, sir. You're just... so good with her," she lied, pretending to be impressed.

Grateful, Erwin lowered his head and put a hand over his hair, fixing it in place.

"We've been together for a very long time, since I was a Private myself. She's been through everything with me, and soon enough she'll retire," he said, reaching over to pat the side of Liv's long neck. "She's a good girl. She did a wonderful job, but in a few months it's time for her to stop."

Susanne twisted her lips. She hated the idea of getting attached to a horse, working with it for years and then having to let them go because they got too old or too tired of the dangerous life, staring to not behave as expected of Survey horses.

"It can't be easy," she mused, more to herself than to the man with her.

Erwin nodded slowly, not looking away from his mare.

"It's for the better," he dismissed.

With a second of silence, Erwin turned to Susanne raising his thick eyebrows at her in something akin to interest.

"If you like horses so much, you have a second option here. Sometimes we hire some of our soldiers to deal with the horses, train them and desensitise them for duty," he told her. He cocked his head to the side, allowing a small smile to his lips. "I'm sure your family would be happy for that."

Trying to not let her annoyance show to her face, Susanne looked away, kicking the hay on the floor in silence for another second of silence.

Erwin took the time to put a blanket over Liv's body as she got comfortable at her space, completely obeying him in a way that Susanne would only be enviable of, never getting Liv to follow her silent commands like that.

"You heard about it," she guessed.

"Hm. Yeah, I did. Sorry if it's not a good subject, just trying to get to know you better," he said, a bit taken aback by her reaction. "Commander Keith received your brother's letter asking for your days off, something about a wedding. It wasn't explained. Are you engaged, Private Susanne?"

She blinked, baffled at his question.

"Oh? Me? No!" she said, so shocked that she almost sounded offended at his assumption. "My brother, Kay, will get married. He's the civilian one." She took a deep breath, reaching for the lamp still with the candle. "But... why do you want to get to know me better, Captain?"

She fumbled with the lamp a bit longer before managing to open its side, blowing the candle out.

He stepped away from the horses, starting to head to the exit, steps smaller to make sure Susanne, who was smaller than him, could follow him comfortably. He stopped as she closed the stable doors and locked it with the key she had with her.

"Because we'll start training the cadets tomorrow and I'm trying to figure out which one I'll ask to be in my team," he explained. "Your grades were impressive and you seem to be the most hardworking one from the cadets here. Everybody is already asleep and some of the chores weren't finished to the standards we were searching for."

Her eyes widened as she put the key away, almost dropping it. She fumbled with it as well before getting it into her breast pocket, staring at Erwin with her jaw dropping.

"You want me in your team, sir?" she asked, shocked.

"It's a possibility. Our personalities seem to go well together, so I don't think we'll argue too much. I already had too much of that with Lieutenant Hange and Sergeant Levi," Erwin seemingly admitted, lowering his voice as if he was telling her a secret. It made her cheeks gain colour again. "If you can overcome that clumsiness, I'm sure that we'll work well together."

The weight of the blown-out candle inside the lamp her hand and the key in her breast pocket seemed to double.

Susanne bit her bottom lip as she nodded, pretending she still had some sort of dignity left in her.

"Of course, sir. You just took me by surprise by asking personal questions," she explained.

That was true, Susanne wasn't one to be clumsy randomly, especially in important moments. Her nervousness often appeared in different ways, such as colouring her pale complexion with the most annoying tone of pink or the most horrifying pallor seen to men, perhaps some giggling if she was feeling awkward enough, but she could connect her limbs and their tasks well enough.

The problem was that Erwin was just too nice.

She could deal with insults, with looks, with violence. She could not deal with niceness, though. It made her nervous, awkward and very, very uncomfortable. At first, she thought it was just because she wasn't used to it, but when the niceness surpassed politeness, it started to feel like she was in the presence of something dangerous... something fake.

Erwin looked her up and down for a moment, assessing something she couldn't see in herself.

"You know, I don't see you talking to the other Privates very often outside of meal time," Erwin mentioned suddenly.

She tensed up a bit.

"We talk sometimes, when we have something to say to one another," she said with a little shrug. "I tend to ramble if given the chance, sir, so I prefer to just not talk at all if I'm going to embarrass myself by talking about something stupid."

Stunned by admission, Erwin laughed again, this time more genuinely than his previous chuckle. Whatever he had been expecting her to say, clearly her words had done it justice.

"I've never seen you ramble about anything. I'm sure it isn't stupid," he comforted her.

Her strides became smaller in her hesitance.

"Sir, I can name and point out most of the plants that grow around the headquarters by heart and where they are, I can tell you which you can eat and which you can use for poison. I can tell you in detail where the food we have came from and why. I can talk about the stars for hours and tell you stories about many of the stars," she said, finally stopping her walk just a few metres away from the front door. "If you give me a chance, I can talk for every night for a year, and I'd still have things to say... but none of those things are useful or helpful at all, most aren't even entertaining for most people."

"They seem quite entertaining to me," he said kindly.

Again, a chill came up her spine. He was just being nice, she could tell. His politeness was crossing the boundary of being merely being a superior indulging a private, now he was just being too nice. And Susanne hated it.

"Believe me when I say, Captain, it is really not. Ask any of my brothers," she said, forcing a little laugh.

Susanne was a liar, but she could feel a lie coming her way from a mile away.

And she hated it.

This one moves a bit faster, eh? Already have Erwin in the story! And as you probably noticed, I love Erwin very much.

I hope you all liked Susanne, she's a sweetheart to me and I love her very much.

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