Again, Akaashi woke up for the third time in the middle of the night. He sighed, now feeling like the color of a dark whiskey. How he knew that color, he didn't know.

He tossed and turned in his bed, feeling uncomfortable and tired. He wanted to sleep but something was bugging him. Maybe it was the news from earlier today? Maybe. He sighed again, feeling numb. He thought about nationals. Then he thought about his teammates and how goofy his whole team was. He thought about Bokuto and his craziness and the way he laughed and smiled. The team felt like a beautiful shade of blue, the nice blue that sat on the ocean surface and soon faded into a deeper darker color. That was the team he fell in love with.

That was also the team he was going to let down.

From a dark whiskey, he faded into an obsidian black. His emotions overtook him and he felt lost and empty. There was no light where he stood, nothing. No hope for him was left, and so he cried himself to sleep.

'Might as well get used to it I guess...'

~~

He woke up feeling tired, no surprise there, and checked the time. It was somewhere around six in the morning and he felt like crap. He needed to run and so he chucked himself on the floor, rolled on his back, and got up to change. Somehow, it worked, but it was an embarrassing method so he refrained from using it.

He laughed at himself and took his shirt off, grabbing a gray shirt from his closet, and putting that on instead. He changed out of his plain white pants with his black pants with a stripe of white going down the side of his legs. He grabbed a plain navy blue windbreaker and got ready for his run.

He was tired but he didn't care.

Once he walked out, he noted the color of the sky. It was still dark but the colors were such a beautiful combination of gray, and hints of both red and blue.

He smiled, soaking it in.

He breathed in and sighed, wondering when he would lose his sight. He shook his head no, and forced himself to think about running. He ran up to half the distance before he decided to sprint the rest.

~~

During his classes, he was clearly distracted, not wanting to do more than what was needed. He sighed more often than usual and felt gloomy all throughout the day. He was feeling more and more like the color gray.

He felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Akaashi?" He paused for a moment before he realized who was behind him. There were students around him who were questioning why a third year was talking with a second year, but once they saw who they were talking to, they understood and walked passed.

"Yes?" He turned around to see the other. Bokuto stared at the setter, waiting for an answer while Akaashi was also waiting for an answer.

It was a little while before Bokuto dropped his hands and smiled.

"You good?"

No.

"Yes, I'm doing good," he lied. He forced a smile back and turned back around, ready to leave for lunch. He could feel a hand again on his shoulder.

"Um! Uh, you want to have lunch with me? You seem down." Akaashi looked down, having little energy. "Plus we haven't had lunch together in a while..." he muttered under his breath. Akaashi turned back around and smiled again.

"That sounds nice, but I assure you, I am perfectly fine." Bokuto cocked his head to the side, a small frown appearing.

"You say that, but I think otherwise. Was it about the missed toss that one time?" His heart sank. His smile dropped along with his gaze. He breathed in and forced yet again, another smile.

"That did bother me but no, that's not a problem. I heard yesterday's practice went well though." Bokuto perked up.

"Ah yeah, I was going to ask you about that. Why were you gone? Another doctor's appointment?" Akaashi contemplated whether or not he should tell him the truth. He had to tell the coach at least.

"Yeah, but it wasn't anything important. Just needed to finish the checkup. Something came up so they had to reschedule. Now hurry before the lunch break ends." Bokuto froze. He forgot that lunch was going to end sometime, so he rushed off, taking Akaashi with him.

"Right! We gotta hurry!" The setter laughed, his worries momentarily gone.

Oh how he wished it would last.

~~

As he was warming up for practice, the lingering thought seemed to have attached itself to his heart, the sinking feeling being more prominent as the seconds slipped by. He glanced over at his teammates, a feeling of pure despair piling within. He told himself not to worry, but it just made it worse.

Now it was the color of copper. Or maybe it was steel?

Something plain and simple, something no one would bother with. He heard that American pennies were made from copper, yet no one cared for them. Then there was steel. What about the shade of steel? The color?

No, it was always gray, or silver, never steel being its own color.

He told himself to take a mental break. Think about the color of sapphire. The nice, deep shade of blue that give it the most beautiful shine. The stunning bend of light, the pigment, the...

"Akaashi!" A hand slapped his back, bringing him back. Of course it was Bokuto. Luckily, no one noticed his color monologue, as he would call it, and simply smiled and nodded.

"Let's do this."

~~

Today's practice wasn't half bad. Nothing like the previous one. No big mistakes, nothing major, nothing anyone would take note of.

Today's practice was good.

The feeling of raw honey came up, the color, the sweetness. He felt right with the world, but it only made his despair worse. The happier he felt, the more he felt naive, and the more he felt naive, the more he felt used, terrible, forsaken.

Now he felt like dirt was mixed in with the honey. Although it had its beautiful parts, it also had its imperfect parts, its tainted, dirty parts. Though it had its beautiful parts, it was disgusting.

Akaashi hugged himself in the corner after everyone left the locker room. The only in the room was him, just him. Bokuto went somewhere outside but as long as he wasn't in the room he was satisfied.

Akaashi tightened the hug around his legs, feeling more dirt added into the honey.

Pathetic.

He could hear a small voice.

Useless, worthless, just a piece of trash.

He could see the color of blood drowning out the ruined honey.

Letting your team down.

The feeling of cold needles just digging in his skin, his neck, his lungs, his heart. The feeling of being suffocated even though there was nothing. The feeling of dread just made him isolated.

Just give up.

"Akaashi?" His attention shot in the direction of that voice. He didn't even notice the door opening.

"Bokuto." It took him a moment to notice the few tears falling from his eyes, only to confirm after he touched his cheek, feeling the tears. He wiped them away, feeling ashamed. "I'm sorry I just..." He trailed off, conflicted. He didn't know whether or not he should tell him or not, to keep it a secret or not, to expose himself, to ruin his image, to-

His thoughts cut off after he felt a warm embrace. It was warm, the shade of honey once again filling his mind. It was rather soothing. Then he noticed the hair and the other features.

"Bokuto-san?" Bokuto tightened his grip, Akaashi finally realizing who it was.

"Why're you crying? You did so well today. You did nothing wrong." The feeling of reassurance slowed his heartbeat, relaxing him. His lips curved to a small smile. Bokuto backed off and looked at the setter, then smiled brightly. "Even if you did, I wouldn't care! I mean I don't know if everyone will agree but, you have the best tosses ever! Without you, we wouldn't have gone so far!"

Now that reassurance began to fade.

Although he knew Bokuto meant the best, it just made things worse. The pressure he subconsciously placed made the suffocating feeling come back tenfold. His tears now became sobs as he held the other for comfort.

Bokuto, confused as he was sure it was a positive speech, simply complied and held the other back.

"It'll be alright Akaashi!" He added a small chuckle to brighten the mood, Akaashi responding with a chuckle of his own.

"Yeah..."

A/n Okay I didn't intend to write such a heavy chapter...... It seemed a bit unrealistic but I honestly had no idea how to write it in any other way.............

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