TW // Self-harm, self-deprecation, self-dehumanization

I wish when I got frustrated, my very first instinct wasn't to bite myself.

Literally every time I'm working on my math homework, and I can't work out a problem, and I get worked up, that stupid little voice in my head goes "BITE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW."

I FUCKING JUST DID IT RIGHT NOW. FUCK.

I WAS DOING GOOD. I HADN'T IN A WHILE. WHY THE FUCK DO I DO THIS?!

It makes me feel like I'm not a person. It makes me feel like I'm an animal, savagely tearing itself apart on instinct because it's angry.

One time I bit myself in class through my sleeve, and I'm about 98% sure someone sitting by me saw me. They didn't say anything, but holy hell, I felt like the worst for the next few hours.

I hate that I am this way. I hate that I choose to cope with my emotions in this way. I hate that I even get so mad.

I

just

want

to

STOP.

I'm going to regret publishing this God damn book.