Chapter 1:

Guilt

When was the last time I hated morning?

Was it back when I studied in primary school, when all the trouble kept coming my way? I remembered that back then, I had such a piece of bad luck that I was afraid to go to school at some point. My parents used to persuade me to go, with reasons like 'you won't gather any knowledge', or 'your friends will miss you', but sometimes they just gave in and asked for my absence.

Speaking of friends, maybe the last time I hated morning was back when I studied in secondary school. I used to make some of them, not a very big group, but we had just the right number to be close together and even became best friends. However, that was also when my bad luck aura kicked in. Many of them were involved in my mess, both intentional and unintentional. I remembered that I used to bear such a pang of guilt from it, which made me refuse to join the school trip in my last secondary school year. From that day, we didn't keep in touch with each other.

Maybe this is the reason why I used to hate morning. I hated waking up, knowing that something wrong might happen that day. I hated meeting with my friends, because they innocently didn't know that I have such a bad aura. I hated involving my friends in my mess, knowing that it was not their fault that they should bear it with me. Every time it happened, the guilt in my stomach just kept filling up, leaving me with such a heavy feeling.

Sometimes, I even ask myself, what have I done in the past that deserves this?

I'm sitting on my bed in my cold, colorless room. There are rays of sunshine piercing through my window curtain, with the chirping sound from the birds. However, what I can see is just the color gray, the tone of sadness surrounding my view. I look around to find something to lighten up my mood, but all I can see is my phone lying on my bed, next to a document that contains my diagnosis, poking out, showing my test results. Next to my bed is a small table, with all the medicine and a bottle of water on top of it. I rub my eyes to keep myself awake, then I let out a sigh, but never have I felt so hard to breathe that just a sigh is enough to make my chest hurt a bit. Feeling my sadness growing, I curl myself into a ball and stuff my head on my knees.

This is nothing but a dream. I actually have lung cancer...

Suddenly, I feel something fluffy jumping on my lap, burying itself inside. I look up from my knees to see that my black cat, Gin-chan, is curling inside, letting out his usual purr.

"... Good morning, Gin-chan." I said while rubbing my cat's head, and he replied with another purr before he stretched out and played with my hand. I wonder what a cat's life would be, maybe just wandering around in the house or sleeping, waiting for its master to come home so it can play with them, rubbing its paws on their hand?

I wish I could be worriless like you, Gin-chan...

"Yuu-kun, wake up! Time for school!" My mom called from downstairs. Hearing that, I carefully put Gin-chan down from my lap, stretch myself a little bit, then rush to my bathroom, and prepare myself for school. Today is the first time since returning from the hospital that I go back to school.

But to be honest, I don't feel like going to school at all.

~0O0~

Considering how long I have been absent from school, the school has not changed much since that day. There is still a long line of busy students hurrying to the school's entrance, some of them are revising their lessons in their textbooks, and some of them are gathering into a group, chatting about different subjects. It's still the same sunshine that spreads across the ground, with the light hue of blue on the sky. Compared to yesterday, this is more colorful than the sad, tired color that entered my view.

... I wonder how long I can see this view ever again...

Walking into the entrance, I am feeling very nervous. Up to this point, I have not told my friends about my condition. I also have not replied to Inuzuka-kun's or Shikimori-san's messages. None of them knows I'm going back to school today, or in the other words, I don't want them to know that I'm going back to school today. It's not because I want to surprise them, it's just... I just didn't feel like I want to tell them back then.

And so, right in front of me, is what I fear the most...

Shikimori-san is taking her duty as a Public Morals committee member, perhaps this is her in-charge week. She is checking each student's personal appearance, including giving them advice on how to dress properly for school. As I said, I have not informed her that I am going to school today, but I guess it does not really matter, since she has to go to school earlier anyway. I remember Inuzuka-kun texted me about Shikimori-san was, well, not okay. However, judging from her appearance and behavior right now, maybe he was just over-exaggerated.

She looks... normal, unlike what Inuzuka-kun said. This is simply what she usually does every day, or when she has her duty week. It seems like nothing has happened since the day I was absent.

Maybe, in the future, she will be okay without me...

"... so that is why what you are wearing is unsuitable and I recommend you to try- Izumi-san!" As I was walking to the entrance, Shikimori-san saw me and called me out, making me stop in my track. I was surprised by her call, so I lower my face, and try to avoid eye contact. "Good morning, Izumi-san! Why didn't you tell me that you're going to school today?" She asked.

... why didn't I tell her, huh...?

Because of her question, I try my best to look up and catch a glance at her face. As I finally manage to gather all my courage to look at her, I can see she has a concerning look on her face, with her blue eyes reflecting her worries.

"What's wrong, Izumi-san? Do you still feel sick?" She asked, concerning about me, which I desperately tried not to answer her. "Or you are worried that you've missed a lot of lessons? Don't worry, I can lend you my notebooks if you want-"

"I'm sorry!" was what I managed to say, cutting her off from her question. She begins to back down a bit, maybe she is shocked because of what I said. Behind my back, I can feel that some students have stopped walking. I can also hear that some of them are whispering and gossiping about something, possibly negative. I take a deep breath and try to control myself. "Sorry... I've got to go. See you in class, Shikimori-san..."

"... Alright, see you then, I guess..." She replied, which allowed me to proceed into the entrance. On my way to getting in, I try to slightly turn my head around to catch her face one more time. She still has that concerning look on her face, but this time it is mixed with a little sadness. Seeing that sight hurts me even more, but I feel like that is the only way I could do to avoid her.

Damn, how I really want to curse myself for this...

~0O0~

"Take a seat, Izumi-san."

Right now, I'm in the homeroom teacher's office. Before I went to school, my mom had told me that she had informed my teacher about my condition, which I didn't want anyone to know, but I had no choice. My mom let me know that he would be waiting for me in his office before classes started. Since a meeting with him has been arranged, I have no choice but to meet him in person. Hence, I take a chair and take a seat in his place. To be honest, he has quite a relaxing office for a small place, with a lavender scent surrounding, suitable for a lunch break after classes.

"Okay... how am I going to start..." The homeroom teacher began. "First of all, I have heard about your condition, Izumi-san. I am very sorry to know that."

"... You don't have to worry too much about it, though..." I told him, trying to avoid his eye contact.

"No, don't say that! I really am! The students' health conditions are my concern, which includes you!" He denied it while shaking his head in disapproval. "From now on, you will be put in special care. I've also informed the PE teachers about your condition, which will be specifically considered in the future." He said, then let out a slight cough. "But first of all, how are you feeling, Izumi-san?"

"... I don't know." I answered. "Everything just happened so quickly. Just a few days ago, I was living a normal life, but now there is a chance that I might not be alive when..." I said, while looking down at the ground and gripping my uniform, desperately trying to calm myself down, holding any emotion from pouring out.

"... I see." The homeroom teacher said, after seconds of thinking. "You know, sometimes it's best to confess it with someone you are close to, especially your friends, or your classmates." He continued. "Later today, I will inform the whole class when it's my class time. Is it okay with you?"

... Confess it to the whole class? So that means everyone will know I have this damn, cursed disease? Shikimori-san, Inuzuka-kun, Kamiya-san will know? What will they feel then? Will they even accept it? Will they even accept me?!

"... Teacher, may I ask something?" I asked him, and he gave me a nod as an answer. "Could you... not tell the class about this, please?"

"... Okay, but why?"

"I just... don't feel that this is the right time to tell them. I... want to tell them myself..." I answered, while avoiding his eye contact.

The homeroom teacher then thinks for a little while. After that, he picks up his cup of coffee, takes a sip from it, and gently puts it down. "Okay." He replied. "If you want to tell them yourself, feel free to do it. After all, it's easier to tell them in your own words, right?"

"... Yes, that would be fine, teacher."

"Alright, you are allowed to leave now, Izumi-san." He said, then he stood up from his chair and headed towards the door to open it for me. I then gather my backpack and prepare to take my leave, but then, he suddenly stops me. "Just remember to tell your friends if you feel like it, do not hide it for too long. You might live to regret it. That's my advice, Izumi-san." He told me, to which I replied with a bow and took my leave.

I can still remember when I was in secondary school, when I finally managed to make some friends. The feeling of guilt when my friends were involved in my bad luck, the feeling of loneliness when I was distanced from themselves, to avoid being stuck in my aura. All of them have come back to me the night before this day, when I was hoping all of this is just a dream.

It's not like I don't want to tell them, but it feels like my tongue is carrying a weight of guilt, trying not to let me confess any word.

~0O0~

"Izumi! Good morning, bro!" As I was walking to my classroom, Inuzuka-kun spotted me, so he greeted me while dashing towards my place. He wraps his arm around my neck and grins from ear to ear, so I fake a smile to return it. "Why didn't you tell me that you're going to school today, bud?" He asked.

"... I just... want to give you guys a little surprise, that's all." I answered, putting in some lies and a smile to make him believe.

"Ah, classic Izumi! C'mon, let's go to class!" Inuzuka-kun laughed and guided me inside my classroom.

After days of my absence, my class still has not changed much. It's still covered with noises of chatting, friends gathered in groups talking about all sorts of different subjects. There are also some people sitting alone at their desks, trying to complete their homework that they either forgot to do or did not want to do. The aroma from the white chalks lying across the blackboard is flying in the air, but due to my inhalation problem, I cannot smell it properly, although those specks of dust might make my nose itchy as usual. Feels like everything is still normal, just like the day before, when I was normal and worriless.

I wonder how much longer I can step foot in this classroom again...

Finally arrived at my desk, I look outside through the glass window panels. The sky is getting bluer and sunnier, with morning birds appearing more often. Beneath the sky is the school ground, where Shikimori-san is still carrying out her duty and checking students' appearance before they get through to the entrance.

It seems like nothing has changed or happened minutes ago between me and her...

"What's up, dude? You miss your girlfriend already?" Inuzuka-kun asked me from behind, while wrapping his arm across my neck.

"... Yeah. I mean, it's been days since my absence, and although we met outside, we still didn't talk to each other much..." I answered. I cannot tell him that I was the one who cut short our conversation minutes ago.

"Aww, it's okay, bro!" Inuzuka-kun said, while patting my back to comfort me. "She's just busy doing her daily work. It's obvious that she can't talk to you much longer, she didn't want to interrupt her work." He explained, although it was kind of obvious. "But hey, at least when she is done with her duty, you guys can restore your lost time in class! It's still great, right?"

Inuzuka-kun is really a great friend to me. We met back in my first year of high school. At first, he seemed to be a little scary and, how can I say this, hard to befriend. However, once you have gotten close to him, you can find him very friendly and caring. He also knows about my bad luck, but he does not seem to mind it at all. I was very lucky that I had a chance to befriend him, and until this day, I'm glad that I am still his friend, or in his words, his best bud.

I wonder how long our friendship can stay like this, until it gets cut off because something happens to one...

"But seriously, you need to talk to Shikimori-san. She's been... very scary lately..." Inuzuka-kun said, bringing me back to reality, while shivering himself.

"Scary?"

"Yeah, like what I've texted you before." He explained. "I mean, she's always been scary- I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, but let's just say she's in a lot worse condition." Inuzuka-kun continued. "It's very hard to actually have a proper conversation with her without you around, and sometimes when I was near her, I felt like I was being held at gunpoint..." He said while shivering with fear. From what he just described Shikimori-san felt familiar and weird at the same time.

"Sounds really bad, huh?" I asked.

"Y-Yeah! And you know what?" He asked me, and I replied with a quick shrug. "There was actually one time that she was in such a bad mood, that when she was doing her duty as a PMC member, one violated student received a 10-point deduction from her!"

"Seriously?! Who?!" I asked him, a little surprised myself. I know Shikimori-san can be scary sometimes, but I didn't know it could be this bad.

"... ME!" Inuzuka-kun pointed at himself and cried. "Damn, I can't even imagine how worse my behavior points can be..."

... I don't think I need an explanation for this...

"... Are you sure that was how she acted to everyone, or it was just specifically you?" I asked him.

"What do you mean, man? Are you doubting me?" Inuzuka-kun whined.

Just before I was about to answer him, the school bell rang, as a signal that the classes were about to start. My class soon stop their activities and get back to their desks, to prepare for the first lesson. Before I return to my desk, Inuzuka-kun nudges my arm with something. I look at my arm to see him handing me his notebooks.

"You need to keep up with the class, right? Here, I'll lend you my notebooks! Be sure to return them to me once you've finished copying them to yours, okay bud?" He said, making me couldn't help but smile slightly at his kindness and reply with a nod.

I know Inuzuka-kun is a friendly and caring person...

"And one more thing..." He continued. "As I said, be sure to talk with Shikimori-san okay? It's not like I asked you to do it for my own sake..." He said, with a shivering tone that was filled with fright.

But bro, you know it's not easy for me to actually talk to her, right...?

~0O0~

'Izumi, wanna go grab some lunch? We'll be waiting for you!'

'... No, thanks. I have some work I want to do at the library. See you guys in class then.'

Time flies by very fast, and before I know it, lunch break has come. Outside, the usual noisy sound of students chatting has returned.

However, those noises cannot reach this library.

Right now, I'm also carrying out my duty as a library rep. To be honest, it is not much hard work, just arranging these books into their correct shelves and dusting them off, trying to keep them clean. However, to me, working in a library has its plus. It gives me a chance to do something helpful in my free time and for my school; Also, it is a great place for me to rest my head after such a tiring morning study.

However, most importantly, taking my duty as a library rep is an excuse for me to avoid them...

Until now, it is still a struggle for me to talk to all of them. I have not met Nekozaki-san or Hachimitsu-san, even worse, I have not talked with anyone in my class. We also had classes with our homeroom teacher today, but he did not inform any of us about my condition, as he had promised me earlier. However, I still struggle to find a 'suitable time' for me to tell them about my health.

... And I have not said a single word to Shikimori-san...

In class, usually, when it was class time, she often tried to find some ways to talk to me, whether it was about the lesson, or she was just bored. Sometimes when the class was tiring, she also teased me around for fun. Almost every time we would get caught because of 'doing flirty stuff in class', according to the teachers, but nonetheless, I found it funny and somewhat cute from her.

However, today was not the case. During class, we did not say anything to each other. Sometimes, she even tried to avoid my eye contact, just like what I had done at the entrance. Today we also had a self-study class, but we did not take full advantage of it. Time just passed and we just sat there, just a few centimeters from each other, without a word or two. I believe she was still shocked by what I had done to her.

As I pick up the last book to be arranged, I stuff it hard into the shelf and get returned with a thumping noise of the book hitting the wooden material. I lower my head, try to progress what happened today, and let out a heavy sigh.

I really want to curse myself for this...

"Excuse me... Oh, you're working here, as usual, Izumi-san?"

The creaking noise of somebody opening the door jolted me. As I turn my attention to the library's entrance, I meet a familiar face. It was Kamiya-san, who greeted me.

"K-Kamiya-san? I thought you have sports club activities to carry?" I asked her, but she shook her head.

"I come here to return the book." She answered, showing me the book in her hand. "And I think I might stay here to rest before this afternoon's classes, too. Is it alright?"

"Y-Yeah, totally. Feel free to take a rest here, Kamiya-san." I told her.

Kamiya-san then smiles, and nods to me as her way to say thank. After that, she pulls out a chair from the table, puts down her bag, and sits down the chair. As I am walking to the counter to find the brush, I see her looking around the library, trying to explore every corner of it. She must be reminiscing her time as a library rep when we were in our second year.

"This library is a great place, isn't it?" Kamiya-san said. "Good location, away from all the wild noises outside... Even when I was working, playing sports in my club, I still couldn't manage to forget the time I worked here. I wonder how much longer I can return to this place..."

Yeah... Me too, Kamiya-san...

"What about you, Izumi-san?" She asked me, while resting her head on her folded arms. "How are you doing today?"

"... I'm still fine, actually. Still trying to recover from, you know, my illness..." I told her, mixed with some lies in between.

"I see..." Kamiya-san said, then she raised her head and cleared her throat with a cough. "You know, before I am here, I actually passed by Shikimori-san's group moments ago." She continued, and it caught my attention.

"Y-You did?" I asked, and she replied with a nod.

"Yeah, and you know what?" She continued. "She seemed very sad when I saw her. Nekozaki-san might still be comforting her right now." She said, then held her chin with her free hand. "What happened to you guys today? Did you two argue or something?"

I can feel something building up inside of me. It keeps piling up stacks after stacks and it makes my chest feel so heavy. I cannot even stand properly on my own feet. The feeling of guilt, the feeling when someone got involved with me back when I was in secondary school, has come back to haunt me.

"... I don't know. I can't explain this, Kamiya-san..." I answered, while gripping my pants and lowering my face. "It's not like we've had an argument or anything, it's just... Damn it!" I cursed myself, which made Kamiya-san jolt a bit.

"... It's alright, Izumi-san." She said in a soothing tone, trying to calm me down. "But hey, she is still your girlfriend. Even how strong or cool she can be on the outside, I know that deep inside, she is just like any normal girl. So, make sure to talk to her when you can, okay?"

Kamiya-san was right. I have to find a way to fix this. I cannot let her bear this any longer. After lunch, I will definitely try to talk to her.

As I have found the brush I need in the middle of my thinking, I walk to the bookshelf in front of me, which is cloaked in dust and also a little bit messy. Kamiya-san might also have her eyes on me, maybe to make sure I do not get in any possible accident or injure myself due to my bad luck.

"Wow, that bookshelf really is dusty!" She exclaimed while covering her mouth.

"Someone hasn't fulfilled their responsibilities, I bet." I told her while shrugging my shoulders, and she just let out a giggle in return.

"Do you need my help? I can dust it off with you if you want." She offered, but I shook my head.

"No, thanks. It's my duty, after all."

"Okay... Then I'll just sit here and be ready if any of those books or even the whole shelf falls on you..." She joked, and I shook my head in disapproval but couldn't help to let out a smile myself.

With the brush in my hand, I start carefully sweeping the dust off the bookshelf, with every corner of the smallest gaps, as how careful a person I am. Meanwhile, Kamiya-san is preparing herself, with her pose looks like an athlete ready for a 100-meter track race. She lowers herself down, with her hand touching the floor and her legs in the ready position, ready to catch any falling book or even the whole bookshelf that falls on top of me, which I find to be unnecessary but amusing.

However, as I was distracted by her pose, I made a big mistake.

For some reason, my hand swept the brush into a long track above me, and as a result, a big chunk of dust fell into my nose and even my throat. This makes me cough some of it out, but it does not feel any better.

"Wow, now that's a huge load." Kamiya-san exclaimed, but I couldn't even respond to her. I cannot stop coughing, even how hard and desperate I try to make it stop. My throat feels rasher, and my chest feels like someone is stabbing a dagger at me.

This is not just a normal cough...

As my cough is getting rougher, I collapse to the ground knees first, and I barely manage to stretch out my arm to avoid hitting my face on the floor. I use my other free hand to cover my mouth and try to ease the cough, but it does not get better. My throat is getting hotter, and I also feel a slight headache. Before I know it, Kamiya has already approached me with her bottle of water and her cup. She starts crouching down in front of me, with her eyes of concern.

"Okay, this is definitely not normal at all. Are you okay, Izumi-san?" Kamiya-san asked. I really want to answer her, but my throat just stops me from spitting anything out. I start gasping for air, trying to get the strength to talk, but it is no use. It's like there is something stuck in my throat. I try my hard to spit it out, but I cannot do anything about it.

Never did I know, that was the biggest mistake I'd ever made.

As I cough in my hand for one last time, the largest one, my coughing sound echoes across the quiet library. After that, I feel something... salty and a bit sour in my mouth. I can also feel my hand holding something dense and liquid-like. I slightly open my palm and as soon as I know what it is, my eyes widen in terror and my hand starts shivering with fear. Kamiya-san also sees it, too, due to her covering her mouth and backing down a little bit.

There is a small patch of blood on my hand...

"Izumi-san... That is..."

"... Kamiya... san... water..." I weakly told her, while using all my strength to sit down on the floor, and desperately stretching my other non-blood hand out for her cup.

"... G-Gotcha! Hang on!" Kamiya-san said, as she shakenly poured out her cup of water, while I reached in my pocket and took out my 'emergency blister pack'.

In the doctor's recommendation, it stated that when I feel hard to breathe or have inhalation issues, I should take one of these tablets as soon as possible. And so, I pop out one of the tablets, put it in my mouth, quickly grab Kamiya-san's cup, and swallow the water as my life depends on it. As soon as I can breathe a bit easier, I start gasping for air, hoping that I can talk normally again. The more I gasp, the hurter my chest feels, along with my red, rash neck.

"Izumi-san... That... on your hand... Please don't say that..." Kamiya-san stuttered, still frightened from what happened. I quickly grab my handkerchief in my pocket to wipe the blood off my hand. After that, I use my other hand to grab Kamiya-san's.

"... Kamiya-san... please, promise me one thing..." I told her, desperately trying to say any word. "Do not tell anyone about this..."

"B-But Izumi-san, you're-"

"PLEASE!" I shouted, then I immediately coughed afterward. My throat starts to feel a lot itchier. "... Please... I don't want anyone to know this..." I said weakly. After that, I cover my mouth with the other hand again to stop another cough.

"... Okay... I won't... I won't..." Kamiya-san said, her voice still trembling with fear. It is almost obvious that even someone like Kamiya-san cannot even keep calm after witnessing that...

Before we know it, the school bell has rung again, as a signal that the lunch break is over. Sitting on the floor, I can feel the ground slightly shaking with the footsteps of students rushing back to their class. "Go, Kamiya-san, class is starting..." I used all my strength to tell her.

"B-But Izumi-san, what about your health? I can escort you to the medical room-"

"I'm fine! I'm fine... Just... go..." I told her while pointing to the library door. She looks at me with her look of concern, then she simply gives me a nod before heading out the door. However, she just cannot stop eyeing me.

When she is totally out of sight, I let out a heavy sigh. Although my muscles are relaxed again, my chest still hurts and my throat is still rash, which I desperately try my best not to scratch. I lean my back into the bookshelf, still dusty and nowhere near the state of clean, as I bury my face into my knees again, feeling disappointed in myself.

I really messed up big time again, didn't I?

~0O0~

The school has finally finished. The scenery after school is still almost as lively as in the morning. There are still lines of students quickly taking off their school slippers and grabbing their shoes before heading home. Some of them are staying after school for club activities. Under the orange ray of dawn, this really is a scene I want to remember, something simple yet unnoticeable.

Home is also where I really want to go now... as it is the only safe place I know at the moment.

I had a very bad day today. My disease, something I've been desperately trying to keep a secret from all my friends, has come out. That afternoon, I was so worried that Kamiya-san might break her promise, which made me unable to talk to Shikimori-san or even anyone. I was scared that at some point, my coughing might come back, and it would happen the same as it had in front of her. Until now, I still feel heavy in my chest and my throat still sores red. I still somewhat struggle to speak any word, no matter how much medicine I took.

As I am approaching the shoe shelves, I look out of the entrance, where the students are heading to. I wonder what they will be doing tonight. Some of them may revise their lessons, while others might spend their time going somewhere outside with their friends. After all, they will be living their normal school life, unlike me...

How long will I continue to live like this, a life with the secret of lung cancer inside me, a life with a secret I've been trying to hide from my friends? How long will I continue to live until God decides that it's time for me to go? How long until I finally have the courage to say the truth to all of my friends, that I have cancer and I may only have less than 12 months to live? How will they accept this, or even worse, are they going to accept this? As I unconsciously reach for my shoes, these feelings make me shred a droplet of tear in my eye, so I use my arm to wipe it away, accepting the grueling truth.

'This is not a dream at all. This is a reality...' I thought to myself, sourly smiling at the painful truth. Right now, I just want to go home, stuff my head into my bed and continue my wheel of misery...

*thump*

I was lost in my land of thought that I did not realize one of my shoes had been dropped hard on the floor. I was crouching down to reach it when suddenly a hand of someone picked it up for me. Therefore, I stand back up again to see who it is. From my view from below, as I have my head lowered, it is a female figure with long, pink hair, below her shoulder-length, in her usual school uniform...

"Izumi-san, you dropped this..." She said, handing me my dropped shoe. Returning her kindness, I reach out my hand, take it and raise my head to look at her...

... Shikimori-san?

End of chapter 1

~0O0~

A/N:

Damn, I didn't expect that it would take this long to write this chapter. Almost a day, I think.

I used to have more things I intended to do for this chapter, but after some reconsideration, I thought its best to write a chapter that focuses on Izumi's feelings. Even so, I didn't think that it would be this long to write.

Anyway, thank you for all the reviews, favorites and follows. I have read all of it and you guys have motivated me to write this chapter as soon as possible. Next week is actually my country's holiday week, so who knows, maybe I could release more than one.

As always, feel free to leave any review for me. If you enjoy this fic, please favorite and follow it for future updates. Bye for now!