I've let the months and weeks pass after that night.

I've spent all of my days trying to find a fitting job for someone who's recovering from giving birth to a whole new life. It was hard, of course, but this is the only way I know I can survive after leaving his side.

Refusing my kiss has opened my eyes in everything—he wasn't to blame because it was me who first pushed him away.

Taking a step backward was never a reason for me to get angry, for I already took so many steps behind just so I could walk away from him.

And leaving me crying all night after that was never a reason to resent him, for I never knew how many nights his heart breaks for the times I've hurt him with my words . . . and for treating him like nothing when he's willing to give up everything just to be with me.

"Did you finally tell him?" Daisy asked while helping me pack some of my things I'm asking her to bring to my parents' place.

I chuckled before putting some of my things inside the box. It was the third time she's sending my things to them. Inuunti-unti ko, para kapag talagang aalis na ako dito, hindi na ako mahihirapan pang mag-pack.

"Why should I tell him pa? Alam naman niya from the get-go that this is going to happen. Ito naman ang napagkasunduan—na after kong manganak, aalis na ako sa kan'ya."

Nagbuntonghininga siya bago tumingin nang malungkot sa akin. "You told him you'll spend some weeks until you recover bago ka umalis. Bakit ngayon, napagdesisyunan mong umuwi nang deretso sa parents mo kaagad pagkapanganak sa hospital?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin bago tinakpan ang box. "Para saan pa? Hindi naman yata tama na pati ako iisipin niya pa. He has a child to take care of, tapos dadagdag pa ako?" I scoffed.

Ngumuso siya bago siya naupo sa tabi ko sa gilid ng kama saka hinawakan ang tiyan kong malaki nang talaga. Ngumiti kaming pareho nang maramdaman namin ang pagsipa niya.

"Ava's so eager to go out," she said. "She can't wait to see the beauty of this world. Don't worry, baby. In two weeks, you'll finally see it!"

I rolled my eyes, laughing. "She can't wait to experience the hell in this?" I chuckled when she glared at me. "Before you go, let's just eat first."

"Is your personal chef here?" she asked as soon as we stood up.

I rolled my eyes once again. "There is no my in personal chef here. At hindi ko na pinapapunta rito for almost three months na. I'm tired of his foods, nakakasawa. Kaya ko namang magluto."

Tumango-tango siya. "Okay then, let's go out. Pero magpaalam ka muna kay Hunter."

"What am I? A kid?"

"No, but there's a kid inside you kaya magpaalam ka na."

"Kaya kong mag-ingat nang hindi nagpapaalam sa kan'ya, okay?"

Tumawa na lang siya bago dinala ang box saka kami sabay na lumabas ng penthouse.

Habang nasa loob ng elevator, paulit-ulit kong hinahagkan ang tiyan kong, base sa laki, para nang puputok. Natatawa na rin sa akin si Daisy dahil kung hindi raw niya ako kilala, para raw akong first time mom na excited maging mommy. Kung hindi niya lang daw alam ang sitwasiyon ko at ang take ko sa pagbubuntis na ito ay gano'n nga raw ang itsura ko.

I'm actually not denying the fact that I'm excited for Ava to come out. Gusto kong malaman kung sino sa amin ni Hunter ang kamukha niya, kung anong namana niyang body parts sa akin . . . at kung healthy ba siya.

Sana . . . healthy siya, katulad ng mga sinasabi ng OB Gyne ko.

Sana . . . kung healthy siya sa loob, ganoon din sa paglabas.

Tuluyan na kaming nakalabas ng building. Dinala muna ni Daisy ang box sa sasakyan niyang naka-park because I told her that we should just eat at a nearby restaurant. Baka kasi hanapin ako ni Hunter bigla at akalaing nagpapabaya ako.

"So, what do you want to eat?" tanong niya habang nakakapit sa braso ko.

"Gusto ko ng squid. It's the only food that I want for now," I said.

Huminto kami sandali sa harap ng pedestrian lane at hinintay na huminto ang mga sasakyan based sa traffic light rules saka tumawid.

"Anong luto? So I know when to take you. Ang daming restaurant dito, eh."

"Stir fried squid," I answered quickly with a smile.

Sa kalagitnaan ng pag-uusap namin ni Daisy, napatigil ako sa paglalakad at napahawak nang mahigpit sa tiyan ko nang may sasakyang huminto malapit sa amin, muntik na kaming masagasaan! Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko at si Daisy naman ay kinagalitan ang driver na lumampas nang kaonti sa pedestrian lane nang mag-brake.

"Can't you see that there's a pregnant woman here?!"

"Sorry po, medyo napabilis ang takbo."

Marami pang sinabi si Daisy bago kami tuluyang makatawid sa kabila. Habang ako, hindi mawala sa isip ko yung kaba at sobrang takot kung sakaling tuluyan nga akong nasagasaan kanina.

Hinawakan ako ni Daisy sa magkabilang braso saka ch-in-eck nang mabuti.

"Oh my God, Areeya, are you okay?" nag-aalalang tanong niya.

Hindi ako makasagot. My body's trembling and cold sweats are coming out of my body. The fear hasn't left my body yet and what happened earlier kept on repeating in my mind.

W-What if I lost my baby?

What if . . . I lost my Ava?

What if she left without even having to live a single life in this world?

The questions kept on repeating on my mind and I couldn't bear to think of the possibilities of it.

"D-Daisy . . ."

My tears streamed down my face as I looked at her.

"Yes, anong kailangan mo? Do you need water?"

I started to feel dizzy as I told her the words.

"C-Can you bring me to the hospital?" I just want to make sure my Ava's okay inside me.

Tumango siya nang tumango bago ako hinayaang yumakap sa kan'ya. Nagtawag siya ng nadaang taxi saka kami sumakay doon. From there, I lost my consciousness.

___

Nagising ako nang marinig ang boses ni Hunter. Nakita ko siyang nakatalikod sa akin, nakatayo at kaharap si Daisy. Hindi ko muna pinansin ang pagtatalo nila. Una kong pinakiramdaman ay ang anak ko. I rubbed my tummy a few times as I smiled when I made sure that she's safe.

"Why did you bring her out without telling me?"

"My God, is it my fault now?" Daisy sighed in frustration. "Gustong lumabas ng kaibigan ko para kumain. Bawal na rin ba 'yon sa 'yo?"

"Hindi ko binawal. Ang sinasabi ko, bakit hindi nagsabi—"

"Hunter, shut up."

Sabay silang lumingon sa akin. Mabilis lumapit sa akin si Hunter habang si Daisy naman ay sumunod lang, bakas ang irita sa kan'ya.

"Areeya, are you okay?" nag-aalalang tanong niya bago hinawakan ang kamay ko.

"Yes, so stop terrorizing Daisy, she did nothing wrong."

Nagbuntonghininga siya bago tumayo nang maayos. "Now, woman. I hired a personal chef so you could have the food that you need without going out. Bakit ka lumabas pa nang hindi nagsasabi?"

Napakunot-noo ako sa sinabi niyang 'yon. Wow.

"Excuse me?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko.

"You should have asked your personal chef to cook the food that you want—"

"I'm fucking tired of eating the same taste of food everyday, Hunter!" I shouted, making them shut their fucks up. "Bawal na ba akong kumain sa labas?"

He sighed in frustration. "I was just worried about the baby—"

"At sa tingin mo, hindi ako worried?" I asked sarcastically. "I have been carrying this child for nine months, sa tingin mo hindi ako mag-aalala sa kan'ya? Now, you're blaming me for everything I never even saw happening?!"

He gulped, walking back and forth. "Hindi gano'n ang ibig kong sabihin—"

"The baby is fine, Hunter. Even when that car ran off me earlier, she'll still be fine kasi kapag pinapili ka ng doctor kung sinong bubuhayin sa aming dalawa, you can just fucking choose her, I don't care! But don't blame me for that. I just wanted to eat outside!"

Hindi na sita nakapagsalita. Tuluyan na lang akong naiyak sa sama ng loob.

After that horrific incident, ito ang maririnig ko sa kan'ya? Hindi naman ako gaga para alagaan ang batang ito sa tiyan ko for nine whole months para lang pabayaan in less than two weeks bago siya lumabas!

"Do you understand me now?" Kumunot-noo siya sa panimula ko. "Do you understand why I don't want to settle a life with you?"

Pumungay ang mga mata niya kasabay ng pagtawag sa akin. "Areeya . . ."

"You are still controlling me like an employee. And you are caging me from what I wanted to do in life." I sighed, looking away. "I just want fresh air. It's been months since you stopped me from going out to see my friends. I am tired of roaming around your fucking penthouse where all I see were things I know I couldn't afford on my own!"

Tumingin ako kay Daisy na nasa gilid lang, nakikinig sa mga pinag-uusapan namin ni Hunter.

"Daisy, sorry pero can I ask you a favor?" I said.

Tumango siya bago lumapit sa akin. "Sure, ano 'yon?"

"Can you ask Leo to take all my things from Hunter's penthouse?"

"Areeya, stop!" Hunter yelled.

I glared at him. "You fucking stop, Hunter. This is enough! I've seen everything I want to see from the moment I woke up from a sleep after a horrific incident that left me and the baby safe—just scared! I just can't believe that that's all I'm going to hear the first minute I wake up." I scoffed.

He took a sigh, holding my hand. "Areeya please . . . 'wag ganito. You're gonna stay with me until the day you give birth, right? I'm sorry, please. I was just scared."

I sighed and harshly removed my hand from his.

"You know what? I should've done this before. Hindi personal chef ang kailangan ko sa pagbubuntis, Hunter. A mother who knows the process of it and how to endure it. Pero anong nangyari? Pumupunta pa ang nanay ko sa penthouse mo just so she could take care of me and give me all the things that I need. Hindi na pabata ang mga magulang ko para bumyahe nang gano'n three to four times a week, Hunter."

Nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata ko.

Ngayon ko lang nakikita ang lahat ng mga pagkakamali ko sa loob ng ilang buwan. Bakit ngayong, two weeks before ako manganak, saka ko pa lang na-realize na ito na ang dapat kong gawin?

"I am not going back to your penthouse anymore. I'm so fucking sick of it—to the core." My eyes heated more but I tried my best not to cry. "I will stay with my parents until I give birth. If you want to see me, you come to me. If you don't, I don't fucking care, okay? Mapupunta pa rin sa 'yo ang bata, nandoon ka man o wala. Now, if you want me to get all the rest that I need, get the fuck out of this room and don't show your face to me."

Matapos kong sabihin 'yon, bumalik ako sa pagkakahiga saka siya tinalikuran. Narinig ko na lang ang pagbuntonghininga niya saka ang mga hakbang papalayo. Nang bumukas ang sumarado ang pinto, napabuntonghininga ako.

"S-Should I call Leo now?" Daisy asked.

Tumango ako saka pumikit. "Kung p'wedeng ngayon na niya kuhanin, pakiusap, pakikuha na niya. I'm tired of dealing with him," I said before having a deep sigh.

I heard her call Leo and told him what I said. Wala pang isang minuto 'yon dahil naupo na siya sa gilid ng kama ko.

"You did great, bringing back the Areeya that we lost noong nahuhulog ka na sa kan'ya," Daisy said.

I opened my eyes and looked at her with confusion. "What do you mean?"

Nagkibit-balikat siya bago hinawi ang buhok kong bahagyang nakaharang sa mukha. "Well, you kind of . . . lost the palaban in you. Parang bumibigay ka kasi sa mga hiling niya, 'yon lang ang nakikita ko. Now that I've heard you say all those words that I know you kept deep in your heart for many months, I know that no one—even Hunter—can hurt you again."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

"Hindi ka na nangta-trashtalk ng lalaki, eh." She laughed. "Ang laki ng pinagbago mo—though I know it's for the better. Pero there are times na hinahayaan mo siyang gawin lang ang gusto niyang gawin sa 'yo—sa buhay mo—tulad ng pagtira mo sa kan'ya at ang pagsunod na huwag lumabas ng bahay para makipagkita sa amin. I actually hated going to his place. At least, bago ka manganak, you get to open your eyes from what you should've seen the first time. And you get to stand your ground once again without breaking down in front of him . . . dahil alam mong tama ka."

____

So I stayed with my parents after I got discharged. The regrets in Hunter's face was so evident but I couldn't care at all. Ang gusto ko lang, lumayo muna sa kan'ya nang masigurado kong maipapanganak ko nang ligtas sa Ava.

Sa ngayon, all I care about is her safety. I don't even care if I'll make it or not anymore.

Masayang-masaya naman si Mama at Papa nang magsimula akong mag-stay sa kanila. Siyempre, masaya rin ako dahil pakiramdam ko, bumalik kami sa dati—yung masayang pamilya bago pa mangyari ang lahat ng sigawan at sumbatan nila.

Hunter, on the other hand, took a leave from work. He stayed with me in my parents' house. Of course, sa guest room siya habang ako naman ay nasa k'warto ko. Ibinalik nila sa dati ang ayos nito. Yung mga gamit na inialis ko noong iniwan ko sila, ibinalik nila sa dating pinaglalagyan nito.

I've never thought that this pregnancy is all I need to take back the family I used to miss—every . . . single . . . day.

"Anak, kain na tayo. Nagluto si Hunter ng dinner," pagtawag sa akin ni Mama sa k'warto habang itinatali ko ang mahaba ko nang buhok.

Tumango ako at sinabing susunod na. Tumayo ako saka humarap sa full-length mirror para tingnan ang buo kong katawan. I'm wearing a teal long night dress, partnered with white cardigan since I tend to shiver at times in my sleep. Sa aircon siguro, pero hindi ko naman kaya nang nakapatay 'yon. My face is so swollen. My whole body is so swollen. I looked ugly but I couldn't care at all. I just feel so full right now with everything that I have in life. It felt like I just had the peace I'm so desperate to have before.

Sabi ng OB ko, this week ang due ko. Sa mismong linggong ito, darating ang araw na puputok ang panubigan ko at doon ko ipapanganak ang anak ko. I rubbed my big—BIG—tummy and chuckled.

"I'm so excited to meet you, my Ava."

My smile slowly faded when I realized . . . I'm only gonna meet her . . . and not see her grow up right in front of my eyes. And that's because I'm such a coward. I can't take the lifetime responsibility of being her mother.

My eyes heated but I tried so hard to stop myself from crying. Lately, all I do is cry. Natatakot ako na baka maramdaman ni Ava na nagiging emosyonal na naman ako at magkaproblema sa kan'ya sa loob. I can't afford to do that.

Sa kalagitnaan ng pagtitig ko sa sariling reflection sa salamin, may kumatok sa pinto ng k'warto. Ilang sandali lang, bumukas 'yon at pumasok doon si Hunter.

"Let's eat. Everyone's waiting."

Hindi ako lumingon sa kan'ya. Pinanatili ko lang ang tingin ko sa salamin.

"Hunter . . . why are you here? Why did you choose to stay here? You know, you can just wait until I give birth. Hindi ko naman itatakbo ang bata."

Nagbuntonghininga siya bago muling isinarado ang pinto saka sumandal doon.

"Remember that thing you told Leo?"

Napalingon ako sa kan'ya nang nakakunot-noo. "What?"

Bahagya siyang ngumiti. "That . . . we can't live without having sex with each other." He chuckled. "I told you it was just you. I can live just fine without it."

Lalo akong kumunot-noo dahil do'n. "And?"

"I asked you before, right? You know what I can't live without?" Hindi ako sumagot. I waited for his answer to his own question. "The answer is you, Areeya. I told you that . . . right there." He pointed at my bed.

And then I remembered that night we stayed together here but didn't have sex. The same conversation he just told me right now flashed back in my mind—almost perfectly the same conversation that we shared.

"I always have a very awful reaction to everything when I am deeply worried about something. I just . . . don't know how to properly react, so I'm so sorry, Areeya, if the words you heard from me that day hurt you so bad, it made you drift away from me."

He took a few steps forward to me, took my hand that's resting on my tummy. He took it to his lips to create small kisses on it. His tears fell on it.

"I just can't live a day without seeing you . . . and I regretted refusing you when you kissed me that night. I regretted it every day and night. I thought that it was your way of letting me in your life again . . . and I just threw that chance away because I was afraid that you'd pull away once again. It just hurts me when you push yourself to me, then pull away just as I started to embrace you once again with all of me."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin nang may panibagong luha ang muling tumulo sa mga mata niya. Marahan kong inialis ang kamay sa pagkakahawak niya pero hindi pa rin ako nagsasalita. Naramdaman ko na lang ang mga kamay niyang nakahawak na sa tiyan ko.

"I've daydreamed of taking care of you and Ava simultaneously. Not a day that passed that I never thought of that. Kaya noong napagdesisyunan mong umalis at dumito na lang sa mga magulang mo, parang gumuho ang mundo ko. Kasi hindi ko na magagawa yung isa sa mga bagay na nilu-look forward ko sa pagkapanganak mo. So please, Areeya, patawarin mo ako. I'm so sorry. I can't let you drift away from me anymore."

Hindi na ako lalo nakapagsalita pa. To be honest, hindi ko naman na iniisip yung mga sinabi niya noong nasa hospital kami. Masaya lang talaga akong nandito ngayon, kasama ang mga magulang ko. Wala na akong ibang inisip pa. Ang hinihintay ko na lang ay ang makapanganak. Kaya ngayong pinag-uusapan namin 'to ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung anong sasabihin ko.

"Areeya?"

Napalingon ako sa kan'ya nang marinig ang sobrang pag-aalala sa boses niya.

"Why?" I asked.

Itinuro niya ang sahig na may tubig na ngayon. Doon ko lang naramdaman ang pag-agos ng mga ito sa binti ko.

"I-Is she coming out?" he asked. I shrugged. "Are you in pain?"

I shook my head. "Hindi. I'm alright."

Tumango-tango siya pero yung taranta ay bakas na bakas sa mga mata niya. "Tatawagin ko lang sila."

Tumango na lang ako bilang tugon saka pinanood siyang halos magkandarapa sa paglabas ng k'warto. Ako naman ay kumabog nang kumabog ang dibdib habang tinititigan ang tubig sa sahig. Hinawakan ko ang tiyan at pinakiramdaman si Ava.

"You're alright there, baby?"

Ilang sandali lang, pumasok na silang tatlo sa k'warto. Inalalayan kaagad ako ni Hunter palabas. Kumuha naman si Mama ng ibang gamit sa k'warto ko. Hindi ko na naiintindihan ang mga sinasabi nila. Ang tanging tumatak lang sa isip ko ay magli-labor pa raw ako bago manganak.

Nang makasakay kami sa sasakyan ni Hunter, sa pag-upo ko doon, saka ko pa lang naramdaman ang unti-unting pagsakit ng tiyan.

____

Nang makarating kami sa hospital, mabilis akong dinala sa labor room. I kept on walking and walking hanggang sa talagang sumasakit na nang sobra ang tiyan ko. I was crying so hard, I just wanted to take this pain away the easiest way.

"Ang sakit, 'Ma, hindi pa ba 'to matatapos?" I asked her as she supported me from walking.

"Konti pa anak. Kaya mo 'yan."

Limang oras akong nag-labor bago tuluyang dinala sa delivery room. The doctor commanded me to push for at least two times all throughout that process. Hanggang sa nagsabi ulit ito.

"Okay, Areeya. Kaya mo 'yan. Isa na lang, mailalabas mo na siya. Give it your all—every strength, give it to your body for a big push, then we'll finally see her, okay?"

Tumango-tango na lang ako kahit na ang totoo ay pagod na pagod na ako. Humawak ako nang mahigpit kay Hunter bago ko inipon ang lahat ng natitirang lakas sa akin. Bago ako umiri sa ikatlong pagkakataon, bumulong si Hunter.

"For our Ava, please be strong. I love you so much, my Areeya."

Our Ava . . .

My tears fell until I finally gave my one big push. Not a minute later, I heard a baby's cry. Tuluyan ko nang ibinagsak ang katawan ko sa kama at ipinikit ang mga mata, saka ipinahinga ang ilang oras na pagod na pagod ako sa pagli-labor at panganganak.

Before I finally fell asleep, I heard the clapping of their hands and their congratulations. I slept with a smile on my face, excited to finally see my Ava.

_____

Every part of my body was so sore, kaya naman kahit gising na ako, hindi ko pa rin magawang gumalaw. Nakita ko na lang ang mga magulang ko na lumapit sa akin. Nahagip din ng mga mata ko sina Tanya at Daisy kaya lalo akong natuwa.

"Anak, congrats!" Mama said before kissing my temple. "Nandito na si Ava!"

Hinanap ng mga mata ko si Hunter. From the left side of my room, I saw him carrying a baby covered in a blanket. Ngumiti siya sa akin bago lumapit.

"She's here," he said.

Tumango ako't ngumiti bago nagpatulong kina Tanya at Daisy na maupo sa higaan mula sa pagkakahiga. I kept on staring at the baby that he's holding. I want to carry her, too. I want to see her face clearly. I want to see that she's perfectly fine . . . and what parts of me did she inherit.

Hindi na nagsalita pa si Hunter. Marahan niya lang ibinaba sa akin si Ava. Nang tuluyan ko nang buhat si Ava, doon ko nakita ang itsura niya habang natutulog, paminsan-minsa'y ngumingiti pa na parang nananaginip.

She looked . . . a lot like me.

My naturally reddish Cupid bow's lips . . . my long eyelashes . . . my shallow dimple . . . and she got Hunter's pointed nose.

Ngumiti ako kasabay ng pag-init ng sulok ng mga mata ko.

"Hi, Ava Harriette."

Right after I said that, I kissed her forehead. My tears began to fall from my eyes nonstop. I hugged her closer to me as I kept on repeating the words that I know I should be saying after all the times I treated her like nothing.

"I'm so sorry, Ava, anak. I'm so sorry."

I just . . . regret everything.

I regret thinking of aborting you.

I regret treating you like nothing . . . for calling you a thing or fetus when I should be calling you my baby.

For thinking of giving you away to Daisy . . .

And for thinking of leaving you to your dad.

But how could I just take my words back when it's been planned all along that I'll leave her?

I cried and cried as I cradled her and kissed her forehead numerous times.

"I'm sorry, Ava. Mommy's so sorry. I love you, anak. I'm sorry."