Walang inumang naganap kagabi.

The two of them were just worried about me for nothing. Dito pa nga natulog, maaga lang nagsialis kinaumagahan dahil may trabaho pa silang dalawa. And now that the sun has completely risen, mag-isa na naman ako.

It must be so good to have a mother to talk about what I'm going through right now, but after I cut them off of my life because I was fed up, I have no face to show to them anymore.

My morning became so slow. I know that this thing is one of people's dreams—to have slow mornings. I used to dream about it too. I have been having rushed mornings for years simula nang maging empleyado ako at manirahan nang solo. I wanted to experience mornings without having to think of these things, pero ngayong nangyayari na sa akin, I realized that it's not the slow mornings that I wanted—that I've been dreaming of.

It's the stability.

Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi na kaya kong mag-isa, may pera ako . . . may sariling sasakyan at condo. Pero after everything that happened with my family, I lost my car, my savings were almost emptied, and I'm in the middle of leasing my unit . . . then go back to my family because I have nothing at all.

But I can't. My pride just won't let me do that. Right now, I'm just so ashamed of myself because it all felt like it backfired to me. And now, I'm carrying a baby inside my womb and I don't want it.

Bumangon ako sa kama nang tumunog ang alarm ng cellphone ko. It was the third time that I hit the snooze button. It's already 9:00 in the morning and I am not used to living like this. Para sa akin, ang gumising ng ganitong oras sa umaga ay masyado nang tanghali. Pero kanina pa naman ako gising. Hindi lang ako bumabangon dahil wala naman na akong trabaho.

Nang lumabas ako ng k'warto, dumeretso ako sa kusina. Doon ko nakita na may pagkain na nakahanda doon. May letter pa. Sa sulat-kamay pa lang, alam ko nang si Daisy 'to. Hindi siguro siya sumabay kay Tanya na umalis ng unit kanina.

Nagbuntonghininga ako bago binasa ang sulat niya doon.

Good morning.

Kumain ka ng breakfast. Alam kong gising ka pero hindi na kita pinabangon dahil sigurado akong pagod ang isip mo. For now, kumain ka ng breakfast. Heat mo na lang para masarap. 'Wag mong pabayaan ang sarili mo.

Also . . . think about what I told you last night, bago ka magdesisyon, okay?

I love you, you know that. I will always be here for you.

I smiled before I removed the cover of the breakfast she made me. It was a crab and corn soup, may sandwiches pa. Mabuti na lang pala, may laman ang kusina ko para magawa niya ang mga 'to.

Tulad ng sinabi niya, ininit ko ang crab and corn soup sa microwave oven. While waiting, I made my coffee. After a minute, it's finished. Kinuha ko ang bowl sa loob saka naupo sa dining table. Upon taking my first bite, I remembered what she told me last night.

"What do you not like about having a child? Is it the pregnancy or the fear of the responsibility? Kasi, palagi mong sinasabi sa amin simula noon na ayaw mo talagang magkaanak pero hindi ko alam kung ano yung seryosong dahilan mo kung bakit," Daisy said before biting from her fried chicken that she and Tanya brought.

Napabuntonghininga ako. "I was never afraid of pregnancy. I don't care about my figure. It was a shallow reason for me." I chuckled. "It's . . . the responsibility. I don't want any child to grow up in a household like mine. Paano kung hindi ko magampanan ng tama ang role ko bilang ina, 'diba?"

Tumango silang dalawa bago nagsalita si Tanya.

"Then, why don't you continue the pregnancy?"

Napalingon ako sa kan'ya. "Tanya, hindi ko nakikita ang sarili kong magiging nanay."

"Kasi tinatak mo sa isip mo kaagad na ayaw mo dahil lang sa naranasan mo sa mga magulang mo noon." Inabutan niya ako ng juice na nagsilbing alak namin ngayong gabi. Bahagya akong natawa. "Hindi naman ikaw sila."

"I know."

"You can be the mother that you want, you know? Kung hindi mo gusto ang pagiging ina sa 'yo ng mama mo noon, o ang pagiging amang tatay mo sa 'yo dati, you can be the parent that you want for your own child. You can choose a parent for your child, Areeya. Hindi napipili ng bata ang magulang niya, pero you can. You can be the best mother and the best friend for your child at the same time . . . just like what you wanted for a parent to have before."

Bahagya akong napaawang bago lumingon kay Daisy na ngayon ay seryosong nakatitig sa akin, mukhang may gustong sabihin, pero hindi 'yon ang inintindi ko.

"You know what? Sinabi rin sa akin 'yan ni Leonard." I chuckled. "You, two, have different personalities but you sometimes think alike."

I tried to joke around to lighten the mood pero sigurado naman akong nag-fail ako ro'n. Tanya just looked away with a scoffed before biting on her fried chicken. In the middle of the silence, Daisy talked.

"If . . ." Pareho kaming lumingon ni Tanya sa kan'ya. "If you're not afraid of the pregnancy per se, why don't you continue with it?" She gulped. Her eyes are glancing at me and Tanya na para bang kinakabahan siya. "I . . . I can take the baby. I'll be the mom. Kung sakaling hindi mo pa rin gusto magkaanak after mo manganak . . . ako na lang."

It pained me.

Hearing those words from Daisy, it hurt me a lot and I don't know why. Bukod sa alam naming tatlo na hindi siya p'wedeng magkaanak at gusto niyang maging nanay, may iba pang dahilan sa puso ko ang nagsasabing . . . nasaktan ito.

"Please . . . if I can't be a mother of my own child . . . I might, at least, be a mother of my best friend's child. I promise you, I will make his or her life the best life ever."

The hope in her eyes was so clear. Her eyes were twinkling in excitement.

"If you're not afraid of pregnancy . . . please . . . don't abort it. Bukod sa hindi naman 'yan legal sa Pilipinas . . . nandito ako para maging ina sa kan'ya."

I finished the bowl of crab and corn soup with my head filled with thoughts about it.

Daisy has a point.

Kung ayaw kong maging ina para sa dinadala ko, p'wede ko namang ipaampon sa kan'ya. Pero bakit hindi ko gusto ang idea na 'yon?

Why does that idea hurt my heart?

Buong araw akong nagkulong sa k'warto. Lumabas lang ako para maligo at kumain ng lunch, pero buong araw ko, nasa k'warto lang ako, nakapikit pero hindi tulog . . . iniisip kung anong dapat kong gawin dito sa nasa sinapupunan ko.

I was about to fall asleep when I heard the doorbell ring. Padabog pa akong bumangon sa kama dahil ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. Gusto ko lang humiga. Sigurado akong sina Tanya at Daisy lang ito. Masyadong nag-aalala sa akin, eh okay naman ako.

Nang pagbuksan ko ng pinto ang nag-doorbell, napaawang ang bibig ko nang dere-deretsong pumasok si Hunter mula doon, may mga dalang pagkain at prutas na nasa basket.

"What are you doing here?"

Ibinaba niya ang mga pagkain sa center table saka naglakad papalapit sa akin. Pinindot niya ang switch ng ilaw, dahilan para mapapikit ako sa sobrang liwanag. Nasilaw ako!

"What do you think? I gave you two whole days without me disturbing you. I gave you the space. Now, we'll talk."

Napaiwas ako ng tingin bago nagsalita. "You think, two days is enough for me to think about everything?"

He smiled sadly. "Because I know that you've made your decision already. I just want you to carefully think about it more."

I didn't talk. Siguro nga, tanggap na niya yung desisyon kong ipapa-abort ko ang bata. But, if I have to do it, I need to go out of the country to get the procedure.

Damn it . . .

I sighed before looking at him once again. "Now, since it's your child too, what can you say? What do you think about my decision to abort it?"

Saglit siyang napaiwas ng tingin bago ngumiti nang tipid. "What can I say?" He chuckled slightly. "I have no say. It's your body. It's your choice. I don't get to decide what you'll do about it. Ikaw ang magdadala ng bata, hindi ako. Ikaw ang nabuntis, hindi ako."

I was silenced.

He was a bulldozer for me. He always gets his way for everything that he wants. Wala siyang pakialam sa opinyon ng iba dahil ang importante sa kan'ya ay makuha ang gusto niya.

That was him for me but now . . . what am I seeing? What the fuck am I hearing?

"It's not that I don't care about you. I really care about you. I care about you more than the company, Areeya. I don't care about it as long as I get to see and touch you everyday." He gulped, then sighed before he continued what he's saying. "I just want you to decide on your own. I want you to feel free to decide about it. You don't have to think about me."

Nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata ko pero pinigilan ko nang mabuti 'yon.

I'm so tired of crying. It's been two days straight since I started crying nonstop. It's hurting me already. My chest are getting tight whenever I feel like crying. I feel so exhausted now.

But now, I want to cry for another reason. Is this another symptom of being pregnant?

"I just want to hear your take on it. Can't you say?"

He shook his head before holding both of my hands. "You don't have to hear it. Maguguluhan ka lang. Iko-consider mo lang ang gusto ko sa pagdedesisyon mo. Then you won't freely decide on it." He took me into a hug. "Decide on it while thinking about you and you alone."

We became silent.

Hindi siya umalis sa pagkakayakap kahit na ilang minuto na kaming gano'n. Walang gumagalaw sa aming dalawa, maliban sa paghinga lang namin. Sometimes, humahalik siya sa ulo ko na para bang binibigyan niya ako ng assurance na okay lang ang lahat sa kan'ya . . . basta nasa tabi niya ako.

"I will go on with the pregnancy."

I felt him stiffened. He was about to let go of the hug to face me but I hugged him back to stop him before I continued what I'm saying.

"And I'm giving the child to Daisy."

The way his hug loosened, I know I hit a nerve on him.

He wants the child.