- p r e s e n t -

Habang naglalakad ako pabalik sa cubicle mula sa opisina ni Hunter, ramdam ko ang kakaibang tingin sa akin ng mga empleyado. Feeling ko, dahil sa pagiging guilty ko dahil nabuntis ako ni Hunter, pero may iba pa akong nararamdaman. Patago akong napahawak sa tiyan ko bago tuluyang pumasok sa department namin.

Pero may mali . . . at nakompirma ko 'yon nang makarating ako sa opisina.

"So, is this the real you?" my gay workmate, France, asked me, holding his phone.

Kunot-noo akong tumingin sa kan'ya bago kinuha ang iniaabot niyang cellphone. Doon nakita ko ang mga stolen photos namin ni Hunter. One of them was when I was sitting on his lap while kissing him. Kung kailan lang nangyari to!

These photos were all taken inside his office. Some are taken sa parking lot ng building ng condo ko. ndi rin gano'n kalapit ang kuha. Mukhang may dden camera.

Sino naman ang gagawa nito? Fuck . . .

"I mean, alam ko namang malandi ka, Areeya. But I didn't expect that you'd be this desperate! Kaya pala hindi ka masyadong kumikibo noong pinag-uusapan natin si Sir Hunter? Na kayang-kaya niyang makuha ang kahit sinong babaeng matipuhan niya dahil mayaman siya, kasi nakuha ka na niya!"

Napalunok ako bago tumingin sa paligid. They were all looking at me with disgust and disappointment. Dian and Queenie were looking at me too but I don't understand their reactions.

Fuck, I just cried earlier. And now, I want to cry more.

Nagbuntonghininga ako at ibinalik sa kan'ya ang cellphone, hiding the fear in me. I smiled a little before I turned my back on him to get a storage box inside the supplies room. A minute later, I came back and their positions never changed. They were all watching me eagerly.

"This is why I resigned, France. I just passed my immediate resignation earlier."

He laughed sarcastically as I started getting my things on my table.

"Does it change the fact that nanlamang ka ng kapwa mo empleyado?"

Marahas akong lumingon sa kan'ya nang may matapang na tingin. "Paano ko kayo nilamangan? Nalamangan ba kita dahil maganda ako? Dahil ako ang natipuhan? Ako ang gustong ikinakama ng boss n'yo! Sa paanong paraan ko kayo nalamangan bukod sa mga bagay na 'yan?!"

Inikot ko ang paningin sa mga taong nasa paligid. Some were smirking, na para bang isang katatawanan na ako ngayon sa kanila dahil sa kabila ng pagkakahuli sa akin . . . ako pa rin ang matapang. Ang iba naman ay nag-iwas ng tingin at nag-busy busy-han sa harap ng monitor.

"If I didn't know, you seduced Sir Hunter so you could get a raise! A promotion! Money! Gifts! And everytng you've ever wanted in life that you couldn't afford!" bulyaw sa akin ni France matapos tumawa nang tumawa.

I scoffed, unable to believe everything I've ever heard from someone I treated more than just a co-worker.

"France, para sabihin ko sa 'yo, hindi ako cheap na tao para iasa sa lalaki lang ang mga luho ko. I can afford anything I want to have. I can buy the gifts you, all, were asking from your partners. I have been living independently for years and never--not even fucking once!--did I ever ask a man to buy me something just because I couldn't afford it because I'd rather not have it!"

I looked at his eyes directly as I stepped forward, closer to him, with my arms crossed in front of me.

"I am not like you." I chuckled. "Hindi ako nanlamang. I've never asked for a salary raise, hell, I'll never ask for a promotion, when this job I've been doing right now is already too much for me!" I slightly shook my head in disappointment. "I am not like who you thought of me, pero kung mas masaya kang isipin na nanlamang ako dahil lang do'n, feel free and enjoy imagining things that will hurt you even more. I don't care."

Right after I said that, I continued clearing my table. Tinanggal ko na rin ang suot na ID at ibinaba 'yon sa table. Nilagay ko ang takip ng storage box saka hinawakan ang magkabilang butas nito na nagsisilbing handle bago naglakad paalis ng cubicle nang hindi sila tinatapunan ng tingin.

Before I could even finally leave the department office, I saw Hunter leaning on the door like he just witnessed something so spectacular, he couldn't leave even though it has already been finished. I didn't mind him at all. I continued walking to the elevator. Mabuti na lang, wala akong kasabay.

Fuck . . . last day ko na sa trabaho pero ganito pa ang nangyari! Kung sino man ang nagkalat ng picture na 'yon, siguradong nakakapasok siya sa opisina ni Hunter para makuhanan kami nang gano'n.

In the middle of my random thoughts about everything that happened today, I suddenly remembered his secretary. If there was one person who's close to Hunter everyday, it must be her!

Nagsisimula nang kumulo ang dugo ko nang tumunog ang elevator. Nasa ground floor na pala kaagad ako. Nagbuntonghininga ako bago tuluyan nang lumabas ng elevator at lisanin ang company na nagpasahod sa akin ng malaki sa loob ng halos tatlong taon.

Damn, I didn't even realize that a mere fetus would make me leave a good-paying job. But I have no choice. Ayaw ko na rin naman ng magulong buhay.

Naglakad ako papuntang bus stop dala ang mga gamit kong nasa loob ng box. Ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang lahat ng hindi ko naramdaman kanina. Ang bigat pala nitong dala ko. Paano ba ako nakaalis doon nang hindi man lang nahihirapan?

Sa kalagitnaan nito, napatigil ako nang may kumuha ng storage box sa mga kamay ko. Napalingon ako sa kung sino man 'yon. Nakita ko si Queenie na patay-malisyang hawak ang kanang handle ng storage box ko habang ako naman ay sa kaliwa.

"Queenie . . ."

"I'm disappointed."

Napanguso ako bago nag-iwas ng tingin sa kan'ya. "Sino bang hindi?" I scoffed. "I was the most disappointed about me. Hindi sana ako pumatol sa boss ko." I slightly shook my head. "Hindi sana nangyari ang lahat ng 'to."

Tumawa siya na para bang ndi makapaniwala sa narinig mula sa akin. Napalingon ako sa kan'ya nang dahil do'n. Nakarating kami sa bus stop. Nauna siyang naupo sa akin sa waiting shed saka ipinatong sa lap niya ang box ko. Nagtataka akong naupo sa tabi niya nang dahil do'n.

"Areeya, ano bang sinasabi mo?"

Napakunot-noo ako. "Ano? Sabi mo disappointed ka."

She laughed once again, then looked at me. "I'm disappointed, yes. Kasi hindi 'yon ang kilala kong Areeya. You never explained yourself before no matter what issues they threw at you. What happened now? Why were you so eager to let us know na hindi ka katulad ng sinasabi ni France? We know that . . . lalo na ako."

Nangilid ang mga luha ko sa mga huling narinig. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kan'ya saka nagbuntonghininga para mapigilan ang pagtulo ng mga 'to.

"I don't know." I chuckled. "Maybe because I'm guilty?"

"Guilty of what?"

"Of fucking my boss."

Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Gusto n'yo namang pareho 'yon. It's your choice—kayo ni Sir Hunter. Wala dapat kaming pakialam sa relasiyon ninyong dalawa kasi personal n'yong relasiyon 'yan, eh. Pareho naman kayong binata at dalaga." Queenie chuckled. "Kung wala ka namang pamilyang sinira, bakit kailangan mong ma-guilty?" She smiled at me. "Just by seeing Sir Hunter looking at you whenever the both of you are in the same place, you would see what I saw."

Napakunot-noo ako. "What do you mean?"

"He's in love with you." She chuckled. "Hindi pa ako naniniwala noong unang beses na mapagtanto ko 'yon, pero napagtagpi-tagpi ko rin ang lahat in the end. His eyes only looks at you whenever you're around. Naging sure lang ako noong nakita ko 'yong hikaw." She smiled. "I cannot think of anyone around you who would easily afford that. Isa pa, sinuot mo 'yon exactly the day na bumalik si Sir Hunter from his long business trip." She chuckled. "And his voice is so familiar na nakilala ko kaagad the moment that I heard him on the other line that one time  I called you kasi hindi ka sumipot sa lakad natin."

Nahihiya akong natawa na lang din, katulad niya. Natutuwa siya sa mga nangyayari ngayon pero ang hindi niya alam . . . may higit pa ro'n.

"I just wished you didn't resign." She smiled sadly. "Ikaw lang ang nakakaintindi ng whore phase ko. Can't you just . . . not mind them? Just continue doing what you're doing. Ano naman kung may masabi sila sa 'yo? It's your life, not theirs. Ikaw ang gusto ng boss, eh. Anong magagawa nila?"

I sighed as I took the box from her. "What you're seeing isn't the whole problem, you know?" I chuckled. "There's more than that. Alam mong hindi ako magre-resign sa trabahong maganda magpasahod kung dahil lang sa walang kwentang rason. My relationship with Hunter is not the reason. That's the only thing I can tell you for now."

Nagbuntonghininga siya bago tumango na lang.

"Okay, then. Basta makipag-usap ka sa akin from time to time. Kung papayagan mo ako, dadalawin din kita sa condo mo. Kung okay lang naman." She looked at me. "Kasi hindi ka nagpapapunta doon ng kung sino-sino lang, 'di ba?"

We both laughed. "Of course, mahay na reyna! Kahit doon ka pa tumira!"

My eyesight started to get blurry because of the tears that are about to fall. I bit my lower lip to try to stop it but I failed. They just fell like a raindrop on my blouse. Queenie pulled me into a hug.

"It's the first time I see you crying." She sighed while rubbing my back. "I will miss you in your cubicle. I will miss us."

I hugged her back. "I will miss you as a co-worker too, mahal na reyna."

"Just remember, I'm just a call away, okay?"

I nodded. "Ako rin."

___

Nang makauwi ako sa unit, ibinaba ko lang sa sala ang box at saka dumeretso sa k'warto. Tinanggal ko lang ang suot na bra saka ibinagsak ang katawan sa kama.

"Now . . . where do I begin?"

Napatitig na lang ako sa kisame ng k'warto, hindi malaman ang susunod na gagawin ngayong wala na akong trabaho.

I want to abort the child. I still couldn't find it in my heart—to be a mother. It's just . . . not me. And doing it feels so . . . wrong.

I covered my eyes with my right arm. I have no tears left to let out. There's just no more tears . . . at all. I'm just tired. My brain does not function at all.

I sighed before I took my phone and texted Tanya and Daisy.

Come here. Let's celebrate me for being unemployed! <3

They immediately replied to me, asking what happened and they'll be bringing some food and drinks.  I told them to come after their work para may time pa ako para magligpit ng kalat at magpahinga after. Para rin mapag-practice-an ko kung paano sasabihin sa kanilang . . . dalawa na kami sa katawang ito.

By 6:30 p.m., dumating silang dalawa na may dalang mga pagkain at alak. Tamang-tama lang dahil hindi ako nagluto ng dinner. Wala rin akong energy to do those things.

"Bakla ka! Ilang linggo lang tayong hindi nagkita dahil busy ka sa personal mong buhay, tumaba ka na!" bulyaw sa akin ni Tanya oras na makita ako pagpasok nila ni Daisy ng unit.

"True! Mukhang minamahal ka ni Hunter nang tama, ah?" sagot ni Daisy bago hinubad ang suot na long sleeve. She's now left with her spaghetti strap top.

Hinintay ko mula silang makarating sa sala at makaupo sa sahig bago ko tuluyang sinabi sa kanila ang balita.

"Because I'm pregnant."

Sabay silang napalingon sa akin pero wala sa kanilang dalawa ang nagbitaw ng kahit na anong salita na alam nilang hindi ko magugustuhan, tulad ng congrats! O kaya naman ay I'm so happy for you! Dahil alam nilang dalawa na sa aming tatlo . . . ako ang ayaw magkaanak.

"So . . . w-what are you gonna do now?" Tanya asked in her unusual serious tone.

I bit my lower lip, unable to answer because I actually don't know the answer.

"Why are you crying like that?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi ni Daisy. "Huh?"

"Your tears are falling nonstop. It was the first time we've seen you like that." Daisy said, worried. "Why? What did you feel? Are you okay? May masakit ba sa 'yo?"

I gulped before I harshly wiped the tears I never realized were already falling. Tumayo silang dalawa saka naglakad papunta sa akin. Hinawakan ako ni Tanya sa magkabilang braso at iniharap sa kan'ya.

"Tell me what's the problem."

Nagbuntonghininga ako bago kumawala ang mga hikbi sa bibig ko. Umawang ang bibig nila dahil do'n. It was the first time that I broke down like this. In our ten years of friendship, I've never cried like this in front of them—heck, I never cried like this my whole life.

"Areeya—"

"I think I love him . . ." I said in between my sobs.

"And? What's the problem? Mahal ka rin ng tao. Anong iniiyak mo nang gan'yan ngayon?" naguguluhan at nag-aalalang tanong ni Tanya.

Daisy wasn't talking at all. She's just watching me broke down . . . have a melt down . . . for things I couldn't control.

"I think I love him but . . . I don't want the child." I cried hysterically. "I can't find it in my heart . . . to be a mother to this child. I just . . . don't want it. I just can't."

The both of them continued watching me cry my heart out before Daisy took me into her arms, hugging me tight, like she knew that this is the one thing I needed the most right now.

"I don't know what to do."

What am I going to do now?