White Rabbit // 8MM

Mari

"Bedpans will be the death of me."

I mumble the words as I disinfect the third one of the shift. Working in a convalescence hospital isn't for the faint of heart but I've never complained even with the wretched bedpans. I work with my best friend, Holly. It's close to home so I don't have a wicked commute like our friend Savanna who used to drive nearly an hour to work and another hour home. And, I should be relieved that it's almost time for me to clock out, but I'm not. Part of me would rather stay here scrubbing filth out of bedpans than facing the fate that awaits me.

Girl's night with Holly.

Whoever came up with the concept of girl's night didn't consult someone wanting to hide from her life. Which includes friends and festivities. I want nothing to do with the human population right now. I'm still working through the past that's collided with my present. And it isn't going very well.

For the last week, I've been living in a fever dream. I never understood that phrase until now. A warped reality, surreal enough to question my sanity but based on a level of truth that forces me to face it.

And truly, I shouldn't have driven with Oscar to the lake the other morning. Not so soon after seeing Guy again after so many years.

My memories of the last night I saw him and the few days that followed had remained mercifully vague. I'd been delirious with hunger and exhaustion, crawling with dirt and hypothermia. Not in any state to take mental images and hold onto them. Of course, bits and pieces of those days were solid enough in my mind, painting a picture of what I'd survived. But I never looked too closely. I never dove too deep. My instincts screamed for me to leave it alone. I wouldn't want to know. My soul was protecting the rest of me.

Seeing Guy, full recognition of the truth of that time in my life, has left me empty. A wraith wandering the earth, searching for her soul. Because mine left my body when I finally allowed myself to remember.

My nightmares are no longer figments of my warped mind. They're memories bubbling back to life when I wanted nothing more than to wipe them from existence.

Which is why I've worked extra shifts this week to stay busy. A futile effort toward distraction. Nothing can distract me enough from the truth of my past, from the darkness of that night. Cleaning up bedpans after my patients is my self imposed punishment for such stupidity. Too dumb to realize the tornado I was unleashing by talking to Guy, asking him about the fate of my captor. Too blind to know that seeing the lake so early in the morning would launch my memories into hyper drive.

Yet even as I scrub urine and filth from these bedpans, I can't stop picturing my teenage self, bruised and broken, barefoot and freezing in Guy's purple hoodie, practically collapsing in on myself as I stumbled to the lake.

Hours I had walked once I climbed out of that window, I can't even begin to calculate the number of steps it took to get me that far. One foot in front of the other, I trudged, walking near the road but still under the cover of trees to stay hidden. I had no idea where I was, having been brought to the house where he'd kept me while unconscious. So I did the only thing I knew to do; follow the road leading away.

By the time I saw the lake, it was nearly dawn. The light sparkling in the water was like a beacon of hope. I didn't dare hold onto it, though. I'd been fooled enough to doubt hope would ever find me.

This time was different.

I remember my legs giving out as soon as I made it to one of the little benches that lines the lake. I was alone in the dawning light, watching as the water rippled against the shore, when Mom found me. She'd come to the lake for an early morning walk with her thoughts and her prayers. I saw her approach like an angel, the light beaming around her head. I was awestruck by the vision, and even more shocked when she turned out to be real.

"Mija, what are you doing out here all alone?" she'd said as she came near, glancing this way and that looking for my family. "You must be freezing. And your feet! Aye, all torn up." She looked me up and down while I sat there unmoving, unspeaking, because what could I say? My mom's boyfriend drugged me and kidnapped me to his club hideout where he tied me up, planning to do unspeakable things? That the quiet boy who watched the entire thing stole his gun and shot him before he freed me and told me to run?

I couldn't form the words because I'd shoved the reality far from my mind. Stuffed it so far down that the only words I could say were my name and help me.

She did. Without question. She took me in. She figured out how to keep me there without anyone trying to take me away. She raised me like her daughter and let me cry in her lap without making me tell her what I was crying about. She offered every form of help and support she could without forcing any of it on me.

I thought I'd survived. I thought I'd escaped relatively unscathed. After all, I'm a functioning member of society with an education and a good job. I smiled. I had friends. I socialized on occasion. I even laughed.

But if this week has taught me anything, it's that I'm not okay.

Not even a little.

"Are you done with those yet?" Holly asks, pulling me out of the darkness of my mind and back to the bedpans.

"Basically." I put the last one in the sterilizer and set it to run. "The next shift can pull these out and put them away."

"Deligating like a boss. I approve." Holly smiles then drags me into the locker room to grab our things and leave. Her boyfriend dropped her off this morning so we could take one car to my house to get ready.

"I'm so ready for a night out." Holly sighs as she sinks into the passenger seat. "I love Jackson but sometimes a girl needs a strong milkshake and a bestie to drink her troubles away." Holly is an absolute lightweight. Milkshakes are as strong as her vices get. "Are you ready to paint the town red?"

"Never." I scoff playfully. The easiest I've felt in a week thanks to my friend.

"Oh that's right. I forgot you hate red."

"True." I grin, glancing at her with a side-eye. "But we can paint the town purple."

"Your favorite color." Holly says the words with a smile but they sink like a brick in my stomach.

Because I never thought about why I hate red and love purple. My recent nightmare marathon seems to answer the unspoken question, however. His hoodie was purple. My wounds were red.

It's that simple. At the same time, it's that horrific.

Before I can even process my latest revelation, Holly gasps.

"Oh no! I left my make-up bag in Jackson's car."

"Girl, I have make-up. You're good."

"Mine has my meds in it, too."

"Ah."

Holly's been through a lot, too. Her dad was as big a nightmare as my past. She's still dealing with PTSD and anxiety because of it. I wouldn't want her to miss any meds that help regulate her system.

"Okay, we can swing by your place to pick them up."

"No, he's at the shop. It's inventory night so he'll be there late."

Jackson has been the accountant for Blue Bloods ever since he moved to town. It's how he got to know his dad, Butch, after years of estrangement due to his mom's deception.

But that's the last place I want to go.

"I'll wait in the car."

"After dark in this part of town? I know it's gotten better but my mom said Butch noticed some rival club ride through about a month ago. She hasn't let me out alone at night since. Jackson either. I'm not letting you sit out on the street by yourself."

"How long are you planning on taking to grab your bag and hop back in the car?" I'd throw my hands up but I've got them plastered to the steering wheel in anticipation. I don't need another Guy run in. I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the last one.

"Not long. But I want to give him a goodbye kiss. And sometimes that leads to a second one. And a third."

"Ugh. Fine." I wave a hand at her to stop. "Some of us are single and don't need our lack of lip locks shoved in our faces."

Holly pulls her knees up to wrap her arms around them and squeals. "Kissing is my favorite."

"I thought smiling was your favorite."

She beams at my reference to Elf, her favorite movie. "It is now that I have something to smile about."

I grunt. I don't want to ruin her joy, but I can't exactly relate. Even when I did have something to smile about, it wasn't much. My family? Absolutely. But my relationship with Danny was never better than a closed mouth grin. Smiling wasn't included.

I pull up to the Blue Bloods storefront, parking on the street rather than in the back. Thinking of what Holly said, that a rival motorcycle club had been seen riding through town recently, I cringe realizing that I'd put myself at risk by coming here in the middle of the night unannounced. What if Guy hadn't opened the door? What if that other club had been around? Those guys tend to do their dirtiest business while the rest of the world sleeps, oblivious to the crime happening in their vicinity.

We both exit my car, which I dutifully lock now that Holly's given me paranoia, and head into the shop. While the parlor itself stays open late frequently, Jackson keeps typical office hours on a normal day. Apparently inventory night is extra-ordinary since we find him in the storage room standing on a ladder counting boxes of tattoo ink bottles and making tick marks on an actual clipboard instead of a tablet.

"Be careful up there, Jackson," Holly says as we enter the back room.

My skin tingles with the memories of standing in here with Guy in the middle of the night, his sleep pants wrinkled, his hair askew. Something about that stripped down version of the hard as nails biker was comforting. I glance at the couch behind the racks of supplies, the sheets he had spread out that night nowhere to be seen. I wonder if he's already packed up and left. After I confronted him, I wouldn't be surprised.

Although, I got the sense he was here for a reason, not by coincidence. He was surprised to see me, though. Maybe that was enough to send him packing. Escape the girl from his past who knows too much. The girl who followed most of his orders, but not all.

I kept my name.

He wasn't happy about that.

"We're running to his car to grab my bag." Holly speaks to me as though I hadn't completely spaced out. I must be getting really good at masking it.

"Okay. I'll wait here."

Two minutes after they leave, I realize what a mistake I made.

Because Guy walks in and finds me sitting on the couch, running my hand along the rough fabric of the cushions.

"What-" he cuts himself off.

We stare at each other for a hot second. His dark hair, no longer askew from sleep, flops over his right eyebrow. Hands on hips, he stands guard over me with a judging look.

"I'm waiting for Holly," I say, lamely. As if that's a valid reason to be sitting on his bed, couch though it may be.

"Wasn't aware this had been designated as the waiting room."

"Wasn't aware this had been renamed as your bedroom."

"As legend has it, this place has been named practically everyone's bedroom at one point."

"Wasn't mine."

Our banter halts. Our gazes collide, eyes cold with...something. Distrust? Disdain? I can't put a name to it, but it isn't the look of long lost friends, that's for sure.

"Okay, got it!" Holly announces as she bounces back into the storage room with Jackson on her heels. She glances at Guy for a hot second before bouncing over to me, grabbing me by the hand and dragging me out the door.

"Have fun, baby!" Jackson calls to her as we leave.

Guy remains stone cold silent. And his glare burns into my back the entire way out of the shop.

Whatever understanding we may have had all those years ago seems to be long gone now.

Okay, time to get these two in a room together for longer than a couple of minutes and not part of a nightmare... What do you think? Check the poll question to offer your suggestions! I do actually use your responses to help guide the next part, so don't leave me hanging!

And have you seen that Unexpected is now available to download for FREE as a digital ebook? The link on my page leads you to the download, so make sure to grab your copy!

If you've seen the trend on tik tok "The Rabbit Got Me" you might see the link between this chapter and the song choice. The trend refers to an event that changes things (better or worse, but usually worse) in the same way that the white rabbit "got" Alice to follow it down the rabbit hole. This chapter details more of the night when "the rabbit got" Mari.

https://youtu.be/Gryus6BHgA0

Don't forget to grab Unexpected for FREEEEEE!