"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not."

― André Gide, Autumn Leaves

***

The snow falling from the sky exacerbated my already sour mood.

I watched from the window of my office as I absentmindedly twirled the pen I was holding.

Seven years, seven winters, and I'm still not used to the frigid weather.

I detested the coming of the season and often wished that I was somewhere else where there's sun, the beach and-- Althea.

The framed picture of David and I piled on my misery.

We were smiling in front of the camera with his arms on my shoulder.

I couldn't even remember what we were smiling about.

Seven long years and she's still on my mind.

When I came back to New York, it was under a difficult circumstance.

My father forced me to fly back.

He learned of my relationship with Althea and was upset when he found out.

"I didn't raise you to be like this, Jade." His nostrils flared.

He confronted me about the night I spent in the abandoned hut in the middle of a field.

Of course, I denied the truth.

I knew he was against my friendship with Althea.

That was the reason why instead of finishing grade school in the Philippines, he shipped me off to the US.

I learned about it through my brother Paul and I was devastated.

"We didn't do anything!" I argued but like what they say, a fish gets caught in its own mouth.

I have a tell and my family knew about it.

I bite my nails when I'm lying.

That day, the skin on my nails bled.

Against my will, my vacation was cut short.

With tears in my eyes, I said goodbye to my grandma.

Inside the car that would take me to the airport, I thought of Althea and I cried.

I never had the chance to say goodbye.

***

The leaves on the trees fell and grew back.

Seasons came and went but my memory returned to the same place—with Althea—where I was happy.

On rough nights, I'd imagine her arms around me, protecting me from the thoughts that threatened my sanity.

I heard her reassuring words and for a brief moment, it calmed me.

There were many occasions when I thought of ending it all.

I thought, perhaps my father would understand my suffering.

Maybe he'd have a change of heart and realize how damaging it was to my wellbeing that I was not allowed to embrace who I truly am.

But I know my father.

He would rather see me dead than gay.

Whether it was a joke or a diversion, David entered the picture.

We go way back and I was comfortable around him.

He became a constant in my life and the more time we spent with each other, I slowly came out of the haze I was feeling.

But when he told me he wanted us to be more than friends, I avoided him and I was lonely again.

It felt like a betrayal.

I knew who my heart belonged to and although it's absurd to think that I would see her again, I never stopped hoping.

That was the only thing that kept me going—the dream that one day, I would see her again.

At night, before I went to bed, I offered my prayer in silence.

"Please God, let me see her again."

As always, tears would roll down my cheeks because the idea was impossible.

As the years wore on, the thought of being with Althea seemed like a lost cause.

I had no news about her.

I didn't know whether I still had someone to come back to.

Were the promises we made spoken in the heat of the moment?

We were young then and we did and said foolish things.

But why does my heart keep hoping?

Countless times, I told myself to move on.

The world turned no matter how I wanted to go back to that summer and freeze it in my memory.

Life was unfolding before my eyes and a moment of peace happened between my father and I.

When I gave in to his wishes to give David a chance, he loosened his control.

Relieved with the little amount of freedom I got, I focused my attention on my work and of course, David.

Perhaps I was mistaken with how I saw myself.

Maybe my father was right.

It could just be an infatuation, a phase, a temporary thing.

Then same-sex marriage passed in the US.

I was having lunch when the news was broadcast on TV.

People were jubilant at the victory.

I watched women kissing and hugging in excitement.

The memories came back in torrents.

I couldn't even finish my sandwich.

Right there, in the restaurant filled with people, I cried for the love I deserved.

***

The gentle tapping of the pen against my desktop calendar broke my reverie.

I had to stop staring at the snow falling from the sky and wishing I was somewhere else.

My dreams are not going to come true if I don't do anything.

Althea is not going to magically appear in front of me.

I have to do something.

My family, or the whole world, may not agree with my decision but I am not doing this for them but for one woman.

The only one who can make me feel so much joy I could die in it.

The only woman who caused me pain and suffering and she hasn't even done anything other than love me.

I hastily typed my resignation letter.  Two weeks notice is required but I cannot wait any longer.

Somewhere in a different part of the globe, I hoped Althea is still waiting.  

The End