A/N: Warning, self-harm content.

Eleanor

Sometimes I let myself wallow in sadness. I would overthink things and let the pain take over my entire being so that later on, I would be numb of all feelings.

I was a mess. I barely got out of my bed, and whenever I did, it was only to take a wee. I resigned from the bakery, I would regret it later, but I fear seeing Harry again. I knew it would happen one way or another but I just wasn't ready for it to happen yet. I fear that whatever that was left of me would break down once I see him without having time to atleast partially heal.

It was times like this when I was alone that it all comes crashing down. And I found myself questioning, why was I ever not worthy of love? All I ever did was to love the people around me but why did I always get left behind? Why did people leave? Why didn't they return the same affection I always give? Was it not enough? Was I not worth loving? It was times like this when I question my existence or my relevance.

Harry didn't love me back, My bestfriend Max wasn't at my side, I barely had any other friends and even my own parents wanted nothing to do with me. Yes, maybe I pushed those people away at some point, but that was because I wanted to know who really wanted to stay. And now, I figured no one did.

That was when nothingness would take over. I'd be staring up the ceiling but not particularly. I'd be numb of any feeling and my mind would run thousands of thoughts that it'd blank out at one point. I kept thinking it was better that way, feeling nothing than the wave of endless pain.

But it still wasn't enough. My eyes were still pouring out tears without my brain's consent. Sobs were still escaping my mouth no matter how blank my mind was. Then, I'd constantly think that the numbness wasn't enough. Maybe I needed to be completely numb.

Or maybe even permanently.

My body knew what it wanted. So while my mind wasn't running any thoughts, I slowly slipped out of my bed and went inside the bathroom that was connected to my own room. I absentmindedly rummaged through the cabinet in search of something, I wasn't really sure what it was but it seemed like my body did. When I found what I was looking for, I grabbed it with shaky hands and threw the wrapper hastily. I pulled the left sleeve of my jumper halfway up my arms, just enough to show my wrist.

It was like I was seeing myself in a different point of view. Like I was separated from my own body and all I could do was watch it do what it needed to do. Although it seemed that my body knew what it was doing, I had never done this thing before. I always urged myself to be strong but for the first time in my life, I couldn't help but feel weak. Like everything was falling apart and no one was there to help me put it all together. I was helpless.

So while I was sitting on the floor with my back on the wall, I put the thing over my wrist, just close enough to feel the coolness of the metal, then I tilted it so the sharp edge was hovering over where my pulse was. I slowly put pressure on it until I felt it cutting my skin.

"Eleanor?" I heard someone called downstairs.

Albeit, I continued. When I felt that the cut was deep enough, I slowly dragged the blade across my wrist. I bit my lower lip to stifle the whimpers that was coming from my mouth.

"El, love. Where are you?" I heard the voice say but I ignored it.

Blood oozed out of the fresh wound but I still continued dragging until the cut drew a line on my pale skin, highlighted by the blood that was flowing out of it. I let the bloody blade fall on the floor and I examined my wrist.

The pain was just for a brief moment. First, I was lightheaded and my vision was spinning, I was seeing black at some point and it seemed like I was in the verge of passing out. But soon enough, I wasn't feeling anything.

"Eleanor? Are you here?" I heard the voice at the other side of my door but it sounded so far away.

I tried to stand up and pick up the blade from the floor to hide it from whoever was at the door but because of my unsteady vision, I tripped on my feet and fell causing me to knock down some of the products on the vanity to the floor.

"Sh*t," I hissed.

"Eleanor?! Are you okay? I'm coming inside." I heard the door opened and closed and quickly, someone was knocking at my bathroom door.

I tried standing up, but the spinning still wouldn't stop so I just laid on the bathroom floor. And though the tiles were supposed to be cold, I didn't feel anything.

"El, can you hear me? What's happening?"

I didn't speak. Instead, I covered my eyes with my unharmed arm because I was facing the ceiling and the lights were blinding me.

"Open the door, babe." whoever was at the door started knocking frantically and I faintly heard worry in the person's voice.

I was suddenly too tired to even speak and had the urge to sleep. So I did nothing and remained unmoving.

"Eleanor if you don't come out of the door in thirty seconds, I'm coming in. I don't care if you're naked or what, I've warned you."

I still didn't say anything. I just laid there with my eyes closed and enjoyed feeling completely numb.

It was silent for a while that I thought the person at the door had given up. But then after a few seconds I heard the knob clinked, and the door opened. I guess I didn't lock it but I was too numb to care.

"Bloody sh*t-- ELEANOR!" I heard him scream. Faintly, I felt someone cradle my head and he removed my arm from my face. I think he tapped my face lightly, or I don't know if he was slapping me but I struggled to open my eyes.

"Eleanor- Eleanor, babe, can you hear me? Say something, yeah?"

I hummed slightly to let him know I was awake. I wanted him to leave me alone because I was so tired. Something was wrapped around my damaged wrist and I was lifted up. I guessed he didn't hear my response.

"Open your-- Sh*t, El, open your eyes. Open your eyes."

I tried opening my eyes but the lights were still blinding me. I groaned and closed them again.

"No, no, no El, stay awake. Don't close your eyes."

I huffed lightly because I didn't have enough strength and tried opening them again but squinted as soon as the lights came in view.

"Turn the f*cking lights off if you don't want me going blind," I weakly whispered.

I felt him let out a sigh of relief and a shaky chuckle, "Okay, still sassy. Good sign."

I felt myself being carried throughout my house and into a car. I tried figuring who the person was but my vision was still unfocused so all I could make out was his figure, and I could say it was a guy. "Don't rape me." I blurted out.

"Are you f*cking kidding me, Eleanor? I'm bring you to the hospital because you're dying and- f*ck! -you're accusing me of wanting to rape you?!" he frustratedly said while attempting to buckle me up. Which he couldn't do for the first ten times, I think.

"I'm not dying." I simply said because I felt really sleepy. He closed the door on the passenger seat of the car (on which I was seated) and the door on the driver seat opened shortly after.

"You f*cking cut yourself how do you-- no! Don't you dare close your eyes," he scolded and I could hear panic lacing his voice as he revved the car. "Okay, so, raise your damaged wrist higher than your heart."

I groaned, "Can't. Too weak."

"Sh*t! Of course she's too weak you stupid as*!" he whispered to himself, "Okay give me your hand," but before I could even move, he reached for my forearm, careful not to touch the cut, and raised both of our arms up. "I heard this should help stop the bleeding." he mumbled more to himself than me.

"I'm sleepy," I said while trying to keep my eyes open.

"F*ck-- okay, okay. I'm trying to get us to the hospital fast just-- don't sleep just yet, yeah?" he coaxed while trying to calm himself.

I hummed in response.

"No-- f*cking-- WHAT THE BLOODY HECK?! WHAT A DUMBAS* DRIVER! YOU HAVE AN UGLY AS* CAR DON'T YOU DARE OVERTAKE! I'M TRYING TO F*CKING GET T-- WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK?!" I hear him yell before the car jerked forward. After few more profanities, the car started moving again.

"Shut your loud mouth," I weakly said while fighting sleep.

"We're almost there, love. You're gonna be okay. You're fine." he said, ignoring my remark.

The car came to an abrupt stop then I heard a door slam shut before the door beside me opened.

"I'm gonna lift you, okay? Here we go. One, two-- ugh!" I felt him struggle walking while carrying me. "Eleanor, love."

I hummed.

"Talk to me, yeah?" he sweetly said before I heard him mumble to himself something like parking far from the entrance of the hospital.

"'M tired." I slurred.

"What?" he asked, not hearing what I said.

I tried talking again but the numbness already reached my lips and suddenly I couldn't talk. Sleep was overtaking my being and I couldn't stop myself from shutting my eyes.

"El? El? F*ck no! Eleanor!" I heard him say but I couldn't get myself to respond. I felt like he was suddenly rushing to the hospital while carrying me then he stopped, "WE'VE GOT EMERGENCY HERE! WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?! Eleanor? Can you hear me? I SAID EMERGENCY!"

I tried opening my mouth to say something but I couldn't. All I could do was hear what was happening on my surroundings.

"WHERE'S THE DOCTOR?! CALL THE BLOODY DOCTOR, MY FRIEND'S DYING FOR F*CK'S SAKE!"

"Sir, calm down."

"Calm down? You're f*cking telling me to calm down?! Can't you see? She's not moving! Is she even breathing?! Oh God, Eleanor,"

I felt myself being laid on what seemed like a hospital bed and wheeled somewhere.

"Calm down and tell us what happened."

"I-- I don't know. She was-- bathroom-- then-- AND THERE WAS BLOOD ON THE FLOOR AND EVERYWHERE AND ON HER AND-- SHE FREAKING CUT HERSELF, OKAY?! I don't know, I- f*ck, calm down, okay. Okay."

"Okay sir, we understand. But I'm sorry, you can't come with us."

"What?! Why-- hey where are you taking her?! No! ELEANOR!"

Then I couldn't fight sleep no more. Slowly, I was drifting off and I let a deep slumber take over.