Sam P.O.V

It was difficult to describe how I felt that day... Almost difficult. The only way I could ever put it, if I had any way to possibly put in words what I was feeling, it was probably like all my thoughts at once just wanted to scream on the inside of my head, and never, ever stop. Just a big clump of messy thoughts, swirling, spinning, never ending... As if in a moment, I wasn't exactly sure of who I was anymore, or why anything was important or why I used to have such a positive naive outlook on life. My mother was gone, swept up to heaven, taken away from my life without even a second for me to argue, and I was never going to see her again. Never. Never, never, never. 

Taylor tried her best to comfort me, tried her best to reassure me that it was all going to be okay, like this was one big nightmare that would just go away. Like what I used to do with her: I used to hold her while she whimpered like a tiny frightened pup, and I would whisper small words of affection to her, hoping that it would work. Because being the person who is on the outside looking in, if you're not a professional, you don't really know what to do, do you? You never know what is going on inside another person's head, even though you can try to guess, with the chances of you even being close to what they feel being very slim. You just act like you do know, because you can't just bear to stand by and do nothing.

Guilt was one of the emotions I would feel when I thought about how I would hardly react to Taylor's kind words, to her even bothering at all to try and cheer me up from my grief that I was feeling. True, grief was never expected to just go away, but... All I wanted was to just crack a real smile. A smile that actually made me feel like I was actually happy, rather than it being a smile of "I'm fine" when I really was not. I wanted to laugh at jokes, and actually feel like it was making a positive change to how I felt.

But nothing.

Going back to school did not help, because I knew now that I would just be surrounded in people, people and more people. McKenzie usually knew to stay the fuck away from me after all the times we fought with one another - especially that time when I hit her in front of everyone to protect Taylor, however, if she noticed that I was even weak in the slightest, she might go out of her way to try and start on me, knowing it would be easier to get to me... Because it would. Any tiny thing could probably get to me and I feel like I could just crack.

So, I had to pretend. I would try to pretend to be happy, even though it wasn't what I actually felt, which might have sounded pretty unhealthy to cloud my emotions with lies, but it was for the best if I were to avoid conflict. I couldn't deal with people asking me what was wrong, hassling me into talking about how I was feeling, because that only made me want to curl further in on myself. What didn't help is now due to the fact that my mom was gone, I wasn't able to keep living where I lived anymore, meaning that I was forced to move in with my father and my step-mom, which I so badly did not want. 

What had to make life even more fucking worse was that my dad decided he would help plan the funeral, even though I didn't see why he even bothered as, if he still cared about my mother, then why did he leave? Unless it was all to get on my good side and to try and make me feel better, whatever it was, I was not buying it... I just couldn't believe any of this, how any of this could happen, especially to me of all people. Did I suddenly do something to deserve the fate that had been handed to me; was I actually so dreadful that I deserved to have my life crumbling around me?

No matter how much I would ask myself such questions, I would probably never get an answer. At least not from myself with what was going on on the inside of my head at the moment, where everything felt like it was going a million fucking miles an hour and just wouldn't stop. Not with my head that would just randomly send me into a fit of bursting into tears for no reason, causing me to wail and go on in a miserable state about how meaningless everything suddenly felt. It was a nightmare, but even while I was falling apart, Taylor remained there for me. The one person that I could actually rely on, even if all she could do was hold me as I cried, it was at least something, even if I didn't always feel anything when she tried to help me.

Ever since the day my mom passed, we always continued to meet up at that same tree near the park, as it had just for some reason become our official hang out spot, where we would just sit and talk about mostly life for hours on end. Thankfully, even when I moved in with my dad and my patronising step-mom, I didn't live too far away from the park, so I could still go there whenever I wanted, and I could stay there to spend time with my lovable girlfriend. It never mattered to me that my step-mom would tell me to come home at certain times, because I would never listen. I would gladly stay out all night with Taylor if I had to.

"I'm sorry though... If I stress you out." I told her one night, as we were sitting under the tree, staring up towards the darkened sky, where all the stars were starting to come out from their hiding places. Upon saying that, I could instantly feel her confused eyes land on me, while I pulled my face into that of a frown. "I know you always say I made you happy, that you had been suffering for a long time... But did I ever truly make you feel better? You were depressed, right? You wanted to die. No one ever just hurdles over that... For all I know, I'm probably only bringing you do--" Before I even finished my sentence, Taylor pulled me into a tight hug, which was a position we found ourselves in frequently whenever I began to doubt myself.

"Don't even think that. Sam, you do make me happy. You make me the happiest I've ever been, and you helped me come out of my shell more. Even if I might not be totally better, I don't care. Because I know that I still want to battle whatever I might feel, because I want to be strong for you. I care about you; I love you, and I want for us to be able to stay together forever. It's how I feel." Taylor whispered beside my ear, saying every single word as if she really meant it, like she really wanted us to remain in each other's lives until we were old ladies dying peacefully in our beds or something. Just hearing that was enough to cause tear drops to form in the corner of my eyes, and it wasn't long before they began trickling down my pale cheeks, and I hugged my girlfriend tightly in return.

"I want to remain with you forever too, Tay." I sobbed out harshly, hoping with all my heart and the remaining years of my life that that would end up being true, that we really would stay together for the rest of our lives. Never had I found someone who would mean so much to me as this girl did, and I never wanted to be torn from her arms. I hoped to be able to build myself back up again, so that I could be that girl that had the more happier outlook on life; the one who Taylor had originally fallen in love with. I didn't like being this grief stricken, depressed girl who spoke about nothing than how low I felt. Every conversation my emotions were brought up, and I felt like it was such a damn mood killer.

Somehow, I would become more like myself again.