Simon's POV

Her doctor called me this morning, asking me to come in. He needs to talk to me. Now I am sitting in his office, waiting for him to come. The door opens and he sits down in front of me, shaking my hand.

"Thank you for coming Mr Cowell," he says and looks through his files. "We need to talk about a few things. We have good and bad news... The good news are that we found a fitting donor heart and we could do surgery today but there are still the bad news... We just found out that Ms Holden is pregnant... If we give her her new heart the chance is very high that the baby dies, if we let her give birth she'll die... You need to decide what we should do since you have from now on full custody of her... She can't decide nor will any time soon so you have the right to decide what happens," he says and it hits me hard.

"You want me to decide which one deserves to live? You must be kidding..." I say and tears stream down my face. Either Mandy or an innocent baby... "I am sorry Mr Cowell but someone needs to make this decision and we are not allowed to," he says and gives me thif pitiful look.

"How high are the chances this baby will survive when she keeps her heart?" I ask and he takes of his glasses, placing it in front of him. "We don't know it for sure but twenty five percent..." he says and I sigh.

"How high is the chance of her surviving and loosing the baby?" I ask and he rubs his hands over his face before saying, "eightynine percent..."

"Abord the baby and do the surgery..." I say and hate myself for having to do this. "We already thought you'd decide this way..." he says and calls a nurse to tell her that the surgery is going to happen.

"We need to discuss some other things," he says after he has finished and I sigh. "She won't be able to go home after this... At first we need to keep her to make sure her body doesn't reject the new heart and then she'll need to go back into a psychiatry. She'll eb psychically damaged and we hope they can get this fixed... She'll need to stay there for as long as she needs to which will probably a year or so. We really try to do our best at getting her back to normal but she'll never be the same and you need to know this... She will never be able to get pregnant or better is not allowed to get pregnant and even with the new heart her chance of living another ten years is low. Her body was damaged too much and it's not only her heart that got hit hard. Her kidney is failing but still holding on. She'll have another five years and that's it... She probably won't be able to work or even live alone ever again and she'll probably never trust anybody again. All you can do is make her next years as easy as possible for her so it was worth it," he says and it hits me even harder.

Five years? Not be able to fall in love again? Why are they doing this when she will be just a robotic version of herself? Don't be stupid Simon! You love this woman for gods sake! You just need to tell yourself everything will get better with time and it will.

She'll be alive and with you as soon as she wakes up... Well at least she is alive. Maybe not with me but alive...

"And Mr Cowell... I shouldn't be saying this since it's my personal opinion... When you notice that she is getting weaker and weaker. Take her to her favorite place for example a beach and just let nature take its course. Hold her until her heart stops beating... I know it's hard but it will make it easier for her to let go..."

This is all too much for me. There are just too many bad things that happened in the last few weeks. How can life be so mean sometimes? I mean it's not like I have done something bad and deserve this...

What the hell are you talking about Simon? Amanda suffers and she is the one who will die sooner or later. She is the one who is mentally damaged because we didn't see what was going on. If we had opened our eyes once instead of just accepting her fake happiness because we didn't want to deal with her problems, then she would be still alright and happy.

We are parts to blame for the shit she goes through right now. "I will," I find myself saying and he nods at me before we leave the room. "I'll call you as soon as we know anything new," he says and I shake his hand before I drive home.

Lauren is waiting there with Eric. We aren't together anymore but I am glad she still lets me see Eric after all I have put her through... She helped me a lot to get over what happened to Amanda even though she has a boyfriend to care about.

I don't know why she does it but I am glad I don't have to go through it alone. Everybody deals with it on his own way. Alesha is always away, each day a new city or country and David drinks all day. It's a pitty what became out of us. We should be all on Amanda's side, waiting for her to wake up.

But it's too painful for them and I can understand how they feel. I miss her so much. You only know how much something meant to you when you lose it. I count the days before I'll finally be able to hear her so annoying but at the same time beautiful laughter again....