WARNINGS: anxiety, panic attacks, mental illness/disorder, depression, mentions of suicidal thoughts

Panic attacks 

I've heard people joke

About them

The girl

Who sits next to me

In keyboarding 

Loudly exclaims 

The typing tests give her

Panic attacks 

Then she proceeds to flail 

As if having a seizure 

It is an almost daily 

Occurrence 

The class always 

Laughs 

Like panic attacks 

Are nothing more 

Than a prank 

And it hurts 

They don't know 

What it's like 

If you can joke about 

Panic attacks

You clearly have not 

Had one 

Or you are much 

Stronger 

Than I am 

Panic attacks are brutal 

For me they go 

Pretty much the same 

First there's 

This feeling 

Overwhelming terror 

Then my chest constricts 

It's like I can't breathe

My leg starts to shake

Then I'm trembling all over 

Gasping 

Shallow breaths 

I can't think

Like my mind is blocked 

True panic sets in 

My head starts to spin 

I stumble 

At this point 

I either curl 

Into a ball on the ground 

And sob

Scream 

Or I start running 

It's scarier when 

I run 

Because I know 

I can't 

I shouldn't 

But my body won't listen 

I usually don't last

Long 

If I'm running 

It's only happened 

A few times 

Once I collapsed 

Outside the refocus room 

At school

Another time I wound up

At the park 

Near my house 

And I sat there 

In the rain

Until I could breathe again

Until I could remember 

The way home 

And the rain washed the tears 

From my face 

I told my mom 

I had gone for a walk

I lied 

When I have a 

Panic attack

I lose all control

I can't handle 

Physical contact

Even from my family 

Because when I'm that far 

Gone 

I can't recognize 

Friend from foe 

It's very lucky 

That the running 

Is rare for me 

As I average at 

Two 

Panic attacks 

Per day

Of course there are good days 

When I only have one 

But more often 

There's bad days 

When it seems 

Like it's just one 

After another 

And I want to die 

To not have these 

Attacks 

When I want to

Give up

But I know 

I can't 

Because I can't fail 

To die 

Would be a failure 

I have a chant 

So I don't fail 

It goes 

"God only give you what you can handle"

God gave me 

First hour keyboarding 

With the girl

Whose careless remarks 

Hurt me more than she 

Will ever know 

God gave me 

A school of idiots 

To whom mental illness

Is funny 

Something to laugh at 

And pretend doesn't really exist 

God gave me 

A sister 

Who lies about depression 

And jokes about being 

Suicidal 

As if I wasn't 

At points in my life 

Ready to end it 

Armed with a note

And a bottle 

Of sleeping pills 

As if I didn't 

As if I don't 

Struggle 

To get out of bed 

Each morning 

And take pills 

That are supposed to make me 

Better 

But in reality 

Just make me feel sick 

Reminding me of similar capsules 

That almost ended my life 

God gave me 

Anxiety

That I feel 

Is always getting worse 

And more out of control 

Harder to handle 

God gave me 

Depression 

Bad thoughts 

Creeping 

In the back of my mind 

"God only gives you what you can handle"

But I think 

He overestimated 

My strength

I'm already bent 

Out of proportion 

I'm so close 

To breaking 

Shattering 

And cutting everyone close to me 

With the sharp edges 

Of a broken soul

"God only give you what you can handle"

Except I can't handle this 

Not alone