Third Person

Irene walked down the quiet hallway, the sound of distant laughter and conversations fading behind her. She had just finished speaking with Lord Carrington and was heading back to check on everyone. As she passed by the room of Elsie and she could make out a sob, her head perked up to instantly, she barged inside not caring about it but she couldn't see anyone. But then again the faint sound of sobs came to her ear. She paused, listening intently. The sobs were coming from inside the bathroom no doubt, barely audible over the sound of running water.

Concerned, Irene gently knocked on the door. "Elsie? Are you in there?"

There was no immediate response, just the continued sound of quiet crying. Irene's worry grew, and she slowly opened the door, stepping inside. The sight that greeted her made her heart ache. Elsie was sitting under the shower, bare bodied, with water cascading over her. Her shoulders shook with silent sobs, her face buried in her hands.

"Elsie," Irene said softly, her voice filled with concern. She quickly turned off the steaming hot water and knelt beside her. "What happened? Are you alright?"

Elsie looked up, her eyes red and swollen from crying. She hesitated, struggling to find the words. "I... I don't know what's wrong with me," she finally said, her voice barely above a whisper. "Every time after Y/n and I... do it, I feel so weak, vulnerable, and used." She whimpered. "What's wrong with me."

Irene's heart broke at the sight of Elsie's anguish. She gently took Elsie's hands in hers, offering comfort and support. "It's okay, Elsie. You're safe here. Take your time and tell me what's been happening."

Elsie took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "It's just... every time we're together like that, it starts out wonderful, but afterward, I feel... empty. Like I've given too much of myself, and there's nothing left. I love Y/n, I really do, but I don't understand why I feel this way."

Irene nodded, her expression softening with empathy.  "It's not uncommon to feel vulnerable after such intimate moments, especially when emotions run deep. Sometimes, our minds and bodies react in ways we don't fully understand. It's important to communicate these feelings with Y/n, so he can understand what you're going through and support you."

She knew she needed to understand more to help Elsie navigate through her emotions. She took a deep breath, her voice gentle and soothing.

"Elsie, can you tell me when you first started feeling this way? When did these emotions begin?" Irene knew that if she wanted to know how to help she had to find the root cause of it.

Elsie looked down, her fingers trembling slightly as she recalled the memories. "It started in the Ranoa Academy," she said quietly. "After our first time together, I felt... different. It wasn't as extreme as it is now, but I remember feeling a bit disgusted with myself. I didn't know why, and I tried to push it away, thinking it was normal, since I lost my chastity."

Irene nodded, her expression thoughtful. "And did you ever talk to Y/n about how you felt back then?"

Elsie shook her head, her voice tinged with regret. "No, I didn't. I was too afraid he wouldn't understand or that he would think less of me. I thought it was just something I needed to deal with on my own."

Irene's eyes softened with empathy. "It's important to share these feelings, Elsie. Keeping them bottled up can make them grow stronger and more overwhelming. Y/n loves you, and he would want to support you through this."

Elsie bit her lip, tears welling up again. "I know you're right. I just... didn't want to seem weak."

"You're not weak, Elsie," Irene said firmly. "It takes great strength to acknowledge and confront your emotions. You've already taken a big step by talking to me about this. Now, you need to trust in Y/n and in your relationship. Let him be there for you, just as you are there for him."

Elsie nodded slowly, feeling a small measure of relief in Irene's words. "I guess I was scared of what he might think, that he wouldn't understand."

"Y/n cares about you deeply," Irene reassured her. "He will understand, and he will want to help you through this. You're not alone, and you don't have to face this by yourself."

Elsie took a deep breath, feeling a bit more grounded. "Thank you, mom. Your support means a lot to me."

Irene smiled warmly, giving Elsie's hands a gentle squeeze. "You're very welcome. Remember, it's okay to feel vulnerable and to seek support. We're all here for you, and together, we'll help you find a way through this."

Elsie looked down, her tears mixing with the water droplets on her face. "Still, I'm scared, mom. I don't want to burden him with my fears and insecurities. What if he thinks I'm weak or that I'm not good enough for him?"

"Elsie," Irene said gently, lifting Elsie's chin so their eyes met, "you are not weak, and you are more than good enough. Relationships are built on trust and communication. Y/n loves you, and he would want to know how you're feeling. It's not a burden to share your emotions with someone who cares deeply for you."

Elsie sniffled, her tears starting to slow. "But what if he doesn't understand? What if he thinks less of me?"

Irene shook her head, her gaze steady and reassuring. "Y/n cares about you deeply. He will understand, and he will want to help you through this. Trust in his love for you, and trust in yourself. It's okay to feel vulnerable, and it's okay to ask for support."

Elsie nodded slowly, her breathing beginning to calm. "Thank you. I don't know what I would do without you."

Irene smiled, squeezing Elsie's hands gently. "You're not alone, Elsie. We're all here for you. Take your time, and when you're ready, talk to Y/n. Together, you'll find a way through this."

With Irene's comforting presence, Elsie began to feel a glimmer of hope. She wasn't alone in her struggles, and with the support of those who loved her, she could find the strength to face her fears and uncertainties.

Elsie Pov

I sat there, drenched and shivering, the cool air mixing with the warm water that had been cascading over me. Irene's presence had been a comfort, but now that she was gone, I felt the weight of my emotions pressing down on me once more. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my trembling hands.

"Mom," I said softly, my voice barely above a whisper, "I think I need a moment alone to finish my shower."

She nodded, her eyes filled with understanding and concern. "Of course, Elsie. Take all the time you need. Remember, we're here for you."

With that, she stood up and left, closing the door gently behind her. The silence that followed was deafening, broken only by the steady drip of water from the showerhead. I sat there for a moment longer, my mind swirling with thoughts and memories.

The night before had been intense, overwhelming even. Y/n and I had shared something deeply intimate, something that should have brought us closer together. But instead, I found myself feeling hollow and conflicted. I couldn't shake the lingering sensation of vulnerability and self-disgust.

My hand moved almost instinctively to my intimate spot, a physical reminder of what had transpired. The touch was both comforting and distressing, a stark contrast of emotions that I struggled to reconcile. I could still feel the echoes of Y/n's touch, the way he had held me, the way he had made me feel cherished and desired. Right between my fingers I could still feel that white substance, a tiny smile crept on my lips. Yet, beneath that was a layer of unease that I couldn't quite comprehend. "Why, why am I feeling this way. What's wrong with me." I should be happy, not this.

Tears welled up in my eyes again, and I let them flow freely, mixing with the water that still dripped from my hair. I felt so conflicted, so torn between the love I had for Y/n and the strange emptiness that followed our moments of intimacy. Why did I feel this way? Why couldn't I just be happy and content like I wanted to be?

I tried to remember the tenderness in Y/n's eyes, the warmth of his embrace. I knew he loved me deeply, and I loved him just as much. But every time we were together, the feelings of vulnerability and self-disgust crept in, tainting the beauty of our connection. It couldn't be him as the issue, even tough he could be a bit too rough at times.

I hugged my knees to my chest, trying to find some semblance of comfort in the cold, wet space. The water had turned lukewarm, and I knew I should get up and dry off, but I couldn't bring myself to move. I felt paralyzed by my emotions, trapped in a cycle of doubt and fear.

Would Y/n understand if I told him how I felt? Would he see it as a reflection of my love for him or as a weakness in our relationship? The thought of disappointing him, of not living up to his expectations, weighed heavily on my heart.

Irene's words echoed in my mind, reminding me that it was okay to feel vulnerable, that it was okay to seek support. But taking that step felt so daunting, so overwhelming. I didn't want to burden Y/n with my insecurities, didn't want him to see me as anything less than strong and capable.

As the water finally turned cold, I forced myself to stand up, shivering as I reached for a towel. I wrapped it around myself, trying to find some warmth in its soft folds. I knew I couldn't stay in the bathroom forever, hiding from my feelings. I had to face them, had to find a way to understand and communicate what I was experiencing.

But for now, I allowed myself one last moment of solitude, one last moment to gather my strength. I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths, and tried to focus on the love I felt for Y/n, the connection we shared. Maybe, just maybe, that love would be enough to help me find my way through this.

With a final, shaky breath, I opened my eyes and stepped out of the shower. It was time to face the world again, time to face Y/n and the complexities of my heart. And with Irene's words as my guide, I hoped I could find the courage to do so.

. . .

As I stepped out of the room, the silken white fabric of my dress wrapped around me, my thoughts were a tumultuous mix of the wedding request and Y/n. The idea of playing the role of a bride, even if just for a mission, stirred up emotions I wasn't entirely prepared for. The engagement ring on my finger felt heavy, a reminder of the reality of my feelings and the uncertainties that lay ahead.

I made my way to the garden, the house quiet and still. I hoped to find some solace, perhaps a distraction from the chaos in my mind. But as I passed by the bushes, my gaze was drawn to the benches near the water fountain.

There, I saw Y/n, hunched over Lila. My heart stopped. Panic and confusion surged through me. What was he doing? Why did he look at her like that? Before I could process the scene fully, I noticed Lila's tear-streaked face and the tender way Y/n was holding her. That's when his eyes looked up to meet mine. I hid behind the bush my hand going up to my mouth trying to stop any sound from coming out.

A wave of jealousy and hurt crashed over me. My mind raced with terrible possibilities, unable to make sense of what I was seeing. My vision blurred with tears, and before I knew it, I was running. Running away from the garden, away from the house, away from Y/n and the confusion in my heart. I just wanted to leave this place.

I barely made it around the corner when I heard Y/n calling after me. "Elsie, wait!"

But I couldn't stop. I couldn't face him, not with the image of him and Lila seared into my mind. My tears flowed freely, and I felt a sob escape my lips.

Finally, I stopped, leaning against a tree, trying to catch my breath. Y/n's footsteps were close behind. He reached out to me, but I turned, my hand flying up in a slap that connected with his cheek before I could think twice.

"How could you?" I choked out, my voice trembling with fury and heartbreak. "What were you doing with her?" "Please don't say what I think you will, don't tell me you did it with her. Just say nothing and hug me. While I cry into your shoulder"

Y/n's eyes were wide with shock, his hand slowly coming up to touch his reddened cheek. "Elsie, it's not what you think. Please, let me explain."

"Explain what?" I cried, my voice breaking. "That you were comforting another girl while I was falling apart? That you were with her instead of me?"

Y/n shook his head, desperation in his eyes. "Lila was upset. She needed someone. It's not what you think, Elsie. Please, listen to me."

But my pain was too raw, too immediate. I couldn't see past it. "I saw your face, Y/n. You looked at her like she was the only person in the world." "I though I was his one and only."

His shoulders sagged, and he took a step closer, his voice soft and pleading. "Elsie, she's been through so much. I was just trying to help her. You have to believe me."

I wanted to believe him, but the hurt was too deep. The image of them together was too fresh. "Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you tell me what was happening?"

Y/n sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I didn't want to burden you. You've been through so much already. I thought I could handle it."

"But I needed you," I whispered, my anger giving way to the crushing weight of sadness. "I needed you, Y/n, and you, you weren't there."

He reached for my hand, his touch gentle. "I'm here now, Elsie. I'm sorry. I should have been there for you. Please, let me make it right."

I wanted to forgive him, wanted to throw myself into his arms and let him make everything better. But the hurt lingered, a painful reminder that trust, once broken, isn't easily mended.

I pulled my hand away, my voice a mere whisper. "I need some time, Y/n. I can't do this right now." My eyes went down to the ring he gave me. "Maybe I should give it back."

He nodded, his eyes filled with regret and sorrow. "Take all the time you need, Elsie. I'll be here, waiting for you."

As he walked away, my heart ached with the loss of the closeness we once shared. I sank to the ground, tears streaming down my face, wishing with all my heart that things could be different. But for now, all I could do was sit with my pain and hope that all this could be solved, we could find our way back to each other. "Why the hell am I sometimes like this."