"Justin, honey, you were my very first kiss."

I ripped the headphones off and shoved them, along with my duffel bag on to the park bench, my eyes falling on the playground less than a hundred feet away.

That night, it had seemed like a kingdom, a palace far away from reality. I had been nervous, terrified, even.

I had been with chicks, sure. But they had always been for fun, girls I'd grown up with and swarmed around me like bees to honey.

But Hannah had been different, unique. She had this look about her, one that automatically shifted her into an outcast in the small town. She had an almost impish smile and delicate features, she made me terrified I'd break her.

And that's what I had done, wasn't it? I had broken Hannah Baker.

"Why?" I asked the deserted playground, reaching for the cassette player again, staring at it through narrowed eyes, "Why, Hannah? Is it because you didn't get enough attention when you were alive? Huh? Is it?" I was relieved that none of the guys on the team lived anywhere near here, that they wouldn't find me in the park alone. The seams of my sanity slowly starting to unravel the further I got into the tape.

I slid the headphones back over my head, letting out a shaky breath before hitting play again.

"My very first hand to hold. But you were nothing more than an average guy. And I don't say that to be mean-I don't. There was just something about you that made me need to be your girlfriend. To this day, I don't know exactly what that was. But it was there. . . . and it was amazingly strong."

I lifted my head from the gravel under my shoes and to the dark playground in front of me. I stared at it until the dark abyss of my mind started to creep up on me and I saw the faint image of Hannah standing at the foot of the ladder, smiling up at the sky, at the stars that had been glistening in the sky that night.

"Justin?" Hannah let her eyes drift around her until they fell on me, the smile slowly fading into a look of bitterness.

"You did this to me, Justin." She started to move closer to the edge of the ladder, seconds from throwing herself off of it, "You killed me."

I blinked repeatedly until the image faded, but it didn't stay gone for long. Another appeared, Hannah was sitting at the top of the slide, a grin stretching across her face as she stared down at the figure waiting for her at the bottom of it.

"I'll catch you." I choked out, my eyes on the girl flying down the slide, her brown locks flying behind her until she reached the guy at the bottom.

Then it happened again. She pulled back from the kiss, blood staining her white blouse, her eyes falling on me again.

"You did this, Justin. You killed me." I ripped the headphones from the bench and threw them back on, forcing my thoughts away from the playground and back to the tape.

"You don't know this, but two years ago when I was a freshman and you were a sophomore, I used to follow you around."

I knew, Hannah.

I listened to the tapes for a while longer, leaning my head back and forcing my eyes shut, letting Hannah's voice slowly wrap it's talons around me and pull me back to the night.

"I simply wanted a kiss. I was a freshman girl that had never been kissed. Never. But I liked a boy, he liked me, and I was going to kiss him. That's the story-the whole story-right there."

But that wasn't what anyone heard right, Hannah? Because I did it, I lied. I killed you, Hannah. That's what this all means, right? Right?

*

I trudged through the dirt path to Eisenhower Park. The silence that filled the empty streets only made the quiet thudding of my heart seem like everyone within a thousand mile radius could hear it.

Fifteen minutes. I'd always knew better than to show up too early or too late, I'd always made sure I was there a minute later that I should be. If I showed too early, I'd seem desperate, too late, I'd seem like I had stood her up.

I passed by the swing with a glance in every direction, for Hannah.

I stared down at my watch, making sure I was following my own advice, but I didn't see her anywhere.

Was it possible? Had Hannah Baker stood me up?

My head whipped up at the sound of a sudden rattle from the playground.

There she was, standing in front of the rocket, holding the plastic steering wheel in her hands with a small smile.

"Hannah!" I called up to her, offering her a smile of my own.

"Be right down!" She shouted down. I shook my head, reaching for one of the rungs, ready to climb up the meet her.

"No, I'll come up!" I responded. But she was shaking her head, the light breeze picking up her dark hair and blowing it in her face wildly.

"No! Let me take the slide!" She replied, sitting down so she was at the top of the slide. I grinned, moving away from the ladder and backing up a few steps so I was at the foot of the slide, holding my arms out for her.

"I'll catch you." The expression that crossed her face then made me feel like I'd actually done something right, that I hadn't blew this entire thing up and destroyed my chances with the new girl.

As she pushed herself off and came flying down the slide, a thought of regret crossed my mind. But I took the picture when she was halfway down, her skirt flying up to reveal white underwear. The second she reached me at the bottom, I caught her in my arms and leaned down, letting my lips fall against hers, shoving my phone into my back pocket.

She pulled away first, blush spreading through her cheeks, peeking up at me through her lashes. I held my hand out to her, almost an offering of a sort.

"Come on." She smiled, her eyes fluttering as I draped my Letterman over her shoulders. She leaned against me, her eyes on the ground, lost in thought.

"Do you like it here?" I asked her, stepping behind the swing as she sat down on it, my hands tightening around the chains. She nodded, laughing quietly.

"I think I'm starting to."

*

"-a rumor based on a kiss ruined a memory that I hoped would be special. A rumor based on a kiss started a reputation that other people believed in and reacted to. And, sometimes, a rumor based on a kiss has a snowball effect."

I paused the tape again, bringing my hand up to wipe the sweat drenching my forehead and the rest of my face. Despite the cold breeze, one similar to how it had been that night, I felt as if it were a hundred degrees outside in the middle of a desert.

I hadn't thought it would escalate, I hadn't even known Bryce sent the picture to himself, I hadn't-

"Justin?" I flew off the park bench, the headphones tearing out of the cassette player as I hit the ground hard, pain spreading through my leg.

I could see her, a faint shadow under the dim street lamp. Hannah Baker.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, reaching for her. She leaned down and pressed the play button.

"Apologizing doesn't bring the dead back to life, Justin." I buried my head in my hands, looking up a second later to find that I was still on the bench, the cassette player playing beside me. I grabbed the headphones with a shaky hand and shut my eyes as I slipped them back on.

"A rumor, based on a kiss, is just the beginning."

I'm sorry, Hannah. I'm so fucking sorry.

"Turn the tape over for more."

More? How could anyone possibly listen to more?

"And Justin, honey, stick around. You're not going to believe where your name pops up next."

Then there was static, a quiet humming sound in both sides of the headphones. I sat there, still and sweaty, waiting for something, but I didn't know exactly what.

I unzipped my duffel bag slowly, shoving the player, headphones, and map back into my bag before throwing it over my shoulder. I ran my hand along the top of the wooden bench, not caring that there was a possibility of getting splinters. I looked toward the slide again, Hannah's slide.

"I'm sorry, Hannah." I repeated, shoving my hands in my pocket and bowing my head, turning it so the playground was nothing but a memory.

I didn't know where I was going, but then again, did I ever? When I came up to Bryce's neighborhood, I realized where my feet had been taking me all along. I stared at my friend's house, bitterness finding it's way into my empty stomach. I was ready to cross the street when a honk behind me sent me flying back into the stop sign, my head smacking the back of my head against the bar.

"Seriously?" I grumbled, rubbing the back of my head. I stared at the car on the side of the street, feeling the urge to roll my eyes and flip the red Mustang off.

"Foley!" Tony kept beside me as I crossed the street. He honked again, this time causing one of the houses on the street to turn on their lights. I threw my hands in the air in exasperation, shaking my head.

"What do you want, Tony?" I asked.

"Did you finish the tape?" He shot back squinting out the car window at me.

"Yes." I said, dropping my gaze to the pavement.

"Justin." Something in Tony's voice made me lift my head back up, "Do you need a ride?"

Somehow I knew that he wasn't just offering me a ride, but answers. He had listened to the tape-all of the tapes. I gripped the handle of the door tightly in my hands, giving Bryce's mansion one last long look before opening the door to the Mustang and climbing in. 

***AN***

Hope you guys enjoyed! 

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~ChasingMadness24