Spoilers for Breaking Bad in this chapter. Whether you have watched the show or not, you have been warned. Unless it's not true. I don't plan on watching it. -Mal.

So, it's only been a day since Tamiko's wedding and Reagan apparently had the time of her life with the guy that came to rescue us. Apparently his name was Rafe Masters. And yes, they have been banging. I think. If I'm being honest, we were all looking forward to seeing Reagan after losing her virginity. Reagan came into HQ wearing her dress, which had blood stains on it for some reason. "Hey Reagan." Brett greeted playfully. "You were fucking hilarious last night." Myc recalled. "I hereby bestow my title of office wild card to you, Reagan." Andre said. "So, how was it?" I asked. "How was what?" Reagan groaned. "Oh, come on." Gigi replied. "We saw you making out with the Masters, Rafe Masters." "Please stop saying it like that." Reagan begged, taking some pain meds. "We need to know everything." Andre demanded. "What's his pube situation?" "Do his condoms look like little tuxedos?" Myc asked. "What happens in the bedroom is nobody's business except Congress." Glenn intervened. "But in this case, I'll allow it. Dish, girl." "Guys, there's not much to tell." Reagan confessed. "Forgettable sex, only five or six casualties, a fling." "Ugh, I've always wanted to be a superspy." Brett said. "I used to watch all the James Bond movies. I even had a secret identity. In public, my parents would tell people I was someone else's kid." "Yeesh." I commented after an awkward silence. "Brett's repressed trauma aside, it was just a one night thing." Reagan explained. "I'll probably never see the guy again." All of a sudden, Rafe burst open the doors of HQ. "Hello, all." Rafe greeted. "Holy shit!" Reagan, Brett, and I shouted. "Team, I'm not sure if you remember Agent Masters, other than Lisa, but seeing as he really saved our bums during that whole Flat-Earth pirate situation..." JR said. "That was me!" Reagan exclaimed. "I made an explosive out of an Amazon Alexa." "...we're going to be helping him out with an MI6 mission, stopping his evil nemesis, Dr Skullfinger, who currently, by the way, resides in a gorgeous seven bedroom, eight bathroom lair with 360 ocean views..." JR continues. "Scoundrel." Rafe grumbles. "...from unleashing a powerful mind control device on the populace." JR finished. "But, we use mind control all the time." I pointed out. "Like our memory erasers." Andre added. "Just last week, I used one on myself to forget the ending of Breaking Bad so I could rewatch it." "Walt dies, Jesse lives, big deal." Myc spoils. "Goddamn it!" Andre complains, erasing that from his mind. "But Skullfinger's device is far more powerful. This thing can wipe your whole mind clean. It's way more evil. So, we have to eliminate the competition. Reagan and Lisa, I want you two designing Rafe's gadgets and running point from the surveillance boat." Reagan wasn't in the mood, Rafe was looking at Reagan flirtatiously, and I was secretly fangirling about building weapons. "Hey, let me know if you need a bitchin' Spotify playlist." Brett offered. "Oh, my God, a spot-i-spy playlist. Oh, oh!" "Nice." I chuckled. "You can just send it to my work email. I kinda need some song suggestions." "I'll make the puns around here, thank you." Rafe said sternly. "Please like me." Brett chuckled nervously. "Rafe, so glad to be working with you." Reagan said sarcastically. "Yes. I can't wait to bond, Team Bond." Rafe joked as he and JR left HQ in laughter. "Shit. Shit. Shit. I cannot believe this." Reagan grunted in frustration. "I can't work with someone I've hooked up with." "Can't you just tell him you're not interested?" Gigi asked. "You're usually Miss Brutal Honesty. Remember when you made Glenn cry at his own birthday?" "I was dancing too confidently, and I needed to hear it." Glenn explains. "It's different with relationships." Reagan replied. "Everybody I've ever broken up with makes me feel like the bad guy just for being direct. From now on, my new strategy is to avoid hurt feelings, send zero signals, and just hope the guy gets the message." "How in God's name would that ever work?!" I asked. "At this point, he'll be bound to propose to you."

Later that night, after crafting some weapons for Rafe, Reagan and I guided him over the radio as soon as he released his parachute over the island lair. I gotta say, it's actually a pretty nice place from the pictures that JR showed me. "To the left." I instructed. "Now a little, a little to the right. Okay. Now, make your entry as quietly as possible." "Nice of me to drop in." Rafe said, completely ignoring me. "Rafe, what the fuck? You're supposed to be a secret agent." Reagan groaned. "And why are you wearing a tuxedo? This is a covert mission. It's not the Emmys." "Sorry, love. Loudly is the only way I know how to enter." Rafe apologized. "Come on, man!" Reagan complained, and everyone else was impressed. "Can we just keep things professional, please? Twelve bogeys approaching." "Initiate Shoe-merang!" I exclaimed. "Shoe-merang?" Myc asked. "Piss off, Myc!" I cursed. "You try making weapons at the last fucking minute!" "Sorry, gentlemen, just need to tie these laces." Rafe lied, activating my invention, taking out the goons by boomerang. "May God rest your soles." I turned to Myc again and flipped him off. Me and everyone else applauded. I knew Aunt Darcy's 'lucky boomerang' would come in handy. "This man is the Michael Jordan of casual murder." Glenn cried. "Okay, Rafe, now you just need to find the machine." Reagan said. "Well, if it isn't the constant thorn in my side, Rafe Masters." Skullfinger said. "Dr Skullfinger." Rafe rolled his eyes. "Seems I've managed to penetrate your defenses." "I assure you, that's the last thing you'll be penetrating." Skullfinger explains. "Are you sensing some kind of vibe between these two?" Gigi asked. "If you mean Dr Drakken and Kim Possible, then yes." I replied. "Glenn knows what I'm talking about." "I don't know. Everything this guy says is horny." Reagan groaned. "Behold Project Gaslight." Skullfinger reveals his device with a very interesting design. "Ha! Looks like a dick!" Andre and Myc laughed. "Beat me to it." Myc added. "Ever since I fell in that vat of skulls and became wickedly twisted, I dreamed of this day." Skullfinger explained. "Rafe, it's time." Reagan instructed. "Release the nano bots." "Skullfinger, prepare to receive my load." Rafe said. "Okay, yeah. I do hear it." Reagan said, just as Rafe released Reagan's nano bots to dismantle the machine. "What? No, my beautiful machine!" Skullfinger cried. "Where on earth did you acquire such advanced technology?" "From my new girlfriend." Rafe replied, giving all the credit to Reagan. "Whoa! We did not discuss that!" Reagan shouted as the rest of the gang began laughing. "Damn you, Masters!" Skullfinger yelled, pinned down on the ground. "I couldn't have done this without your wonderful gadgets, Reagan, and now that we've gotten rid of the skull, it's time to finger." Rafe complimented. Our team continued to laugh along with Rafe. Reagan and I were just annoyed by him. "Okay, fuck it, I gotta break things off with this guy." Reagan grunted. "Screw him." I added.

Back at work, Reagan decided to meet all of us at McUltra's after failing to break up with Rafe. "So, let me get this straight, you finally get laid by the first guy this year who doesn't run on a charger and you want to ditch him?" Myc asked. "The guy is totally smothering me." Reagan explains. "I just want Doctor No Fucking Clue to Brexit my life without me having to feel guilty about it." "That's probably his plan, Reags." I commented. "To make himself look innocent." "I don't understand this at all. You're so lucky." Brett said. "I'd do anything to spend more time with Rafe. Has he mentioned me?" "Girl, if you really want to get rid of this dude, there's only one solution left. Ghost Protocol." Gigi suggested. "Ghost Protocol?" Reagan asked. "You use Cognito's resources to fake your own death, then go off the grid until he moves on." Gigi explains. "Trust me, this is how I helped all the biggest dead celebrities escape the spotlight. The world thinks Tupac and Biggie are gone, but they're living their best lives in Upstate New York with three Pomeranians." "We've all used the program for ourselves." Glenn added. "I ghosted Ann Coulter. She made me role-play as a liberal just so she could drink my tears." "Uh, I used it, too. I had to ghost my old Burning Man crew at the Orgy Dome." Andre said. "What's the point of anonymous sex if you add each other on Facebook afterwards?!" "I had to ghost Joe Rogan." Myc shudders. "He loved tripping on mushrooms, but once he was high, he'd make me watch these Jordan Peterson videos with him. I had to end it." "After I graduated, this kid from my freshman class wouldn't stop begging me to change his grades. So, I decided to ghost him." I recalled. "On the bright side, he doesn't know that I moved to DC." "So, what do you think?" Gigi asked. "Hmm. Fake my death to avoid getting texts from a man." Reagan wondered, looking at her new text messages from Rafe. She threw her phone at the wall and shattered her screen. "Fuck it. Ghost Protocol me."

After Reagan pulled her huge stunt, we hired some crisis actors and headed to Shady Pines to stage a funeral for her. Rafe was in there for an hour, crying like a pussy. Although he knew the truth, Brett still comforted Rafe. "Okay, the crisis actors are all in place." Reagan said, handing out eulogies. "These are pre-written eulogies. Please recite them verbatim." ""Hey, I'm Andre. Gee, I hope I don't roll this eulogy up and smoke it."" Andre read aloud. "Is this what you really think of me? I'm not just a drug guy, you know. I speak Latin!" "Yeah, sure." Glenn said. "Bullshit, Andre." I scoffed. "Uh huh." Gigi added. "Whatever, dude, you love weed. We get it." Myc said as we walked into the funeral room.

As the service went on, it was time for us to read the eulogies. ""Reagan Ridley had a brilliant mind, but she also knew how to rock a bold lip."" Gigi reads. "You wish." "

"Reagan was an American hero."" Glenn began. ""We didn't agree politically, but..." Hmm, just ends there."

"What can I say about Reagan that I haven't already written on a bathroom stall at work?" Myc wondered.

"Wow, I didn't expect to get very emotional today. I had a eulogy prepared, but I think I might've found better words." I sniffled. "Reagan was my hero. When I first came to DC, I was feeling like I was alone. But when I first met Reagan at work a few months ago, that all changed. She had told me how she walked in my shoes as a child prodigy. She would almost always take time out of her day to ask me about my upcoming projects. Over time, Reagan basically became the big sister I've always wanted. And now that she's gone, so is a part of me." After finishing my speech, Rafe came up to the empty casket and cried on top of it. "Why?! Why?!" Rafe sobbed.

After Reagan's "funeral", we all got together to play a game of poker. Reagan was really having the time of her afterlife. "And so that's the difference between a macaroon and a macaron." Reagan explains. "It's crazy, right?" "Fascinating. You need to ante." Gigi said sarcastically. "Guys, being dead? Best thing that's ever happened to me. I get to binge watch TV. I don't have to answer any texts." Reagan confessed. "I blew off jury duty. I'm almost gonna be sad when Rafe goes back to the UK." All of a sudden, a car horn of God Save the Queen is played outside. Reagan looked out the window to check it out. Turns out Rafe crashed his car in front of the building. "Where is the confounded valet?" Rafe asked, sounding very drunk. "Oh my God, what is he doing here?!" Reagan snapped. "Who told him about poker night?" That's when I heard Brett screaming as Rafe's car alarm went off. "There's your answer." I replied. "Mister "I wanna be friends with a James Bond knockoff."" "Damn it, Brett!" Reagan grunted in frustration. "They're coming! You gotta hide me." "I just disappear you." Gigi explained. "It's on you to stay disappeared." "Get the hell out of here as fast as you can, Reags." I said. "I swear that man could follow your scent like a pack of hounds." "Goddamn it, can't even enjoy my death in peace." Reagan groaned, leaving the room, just as Rafe and Brett walked in. "Hey, dudes." Brett greeted. "My new, uh, partner here insisted on coming to poker night, and I couldn't think of any believable reasons why he shouldn't." "Mind if I join your little game?" Rafe asked. "I brought $100,000 in nonsequential, unmarked bills." "Uh, it's a $5 buy in." Myc explained. "I'm 16 years old and I live in my aunt's musty basement." I sighed. "I'm basically the equivalent of a poor college student." "Welp, I am gonna grab a brewski and a, uh, seltzer for him." Brett said. "Shaken, not stirred." Rafe requested. "You want me to shake the seltzer?" Brett wondered. "I drink everything shaken!" Rafe snapped, grabbing some cards. "Now, let's play." We all waited for Rafe to make a move. "Just make a fucking move, already." I mumbled. "Alright, I'm all in." Rafe said, pushing his briefcase of money into the middle of the table. "Dude!" Andre complained. "What the fuck." Glenn grumbled. "We said five bucks, man." Myc reminded him. "Deal me out. I'm screwed." I groaned. "I call." Gigi said, removing her diamond earrings. "Unlike everyone else here, you have no tells, and in my line of work, those tend to be the people with the most to hide." Rafe explains, flipping the table. "Tell me where Reagan's killer is! What do you know?!" "Damn, why am I always attracted to crazy?" Gigi asked. "Not one more word, or your little sidekick here gets it, at the hands of the nefarious, uh, Strainer Face!" Reagan shouted, wearing a strainer over her head for a ridiculous disguise, pretending to hold Brett hostage. "Strainer Face? Yes, that checks out." Rafe said. "Just as I suspected, you were harboring Reagan's killer." "You should just give up and move on with your life." Reagan continued. "Maybe take a pottery class or something." "I'll never give up." Rafe confessed. "Reagan wouldn't have wanted me to." "How are you so wrong all the time?" Reagan asked. "Henchmen, roll out." Reagan grabbed Andre's cigarette and slammed it to the ground for a smoke bomb effect in order to help us all escape from Rafe and Brett.

We went into hiding at Tupac and Biggie's old place. I feel bad leaving Brett alone with Rafe, but maybe it's for the best right now. "Gigi, thanks for letting us crash at Tupac and Biggie's old safe house." Reagan thanked. "You can really tell they weren't getting along at this point." "Reagan, this is not a long term solution." Gigi explains. "Look at us. No one can agree what to watch on TV. Glenn has totally destroyed our snack supply." "What? I stress eat." Glenn defends himself, sneezing Cheeto powder out his blowhole. "Gross, Glenn." I commented. "Yeah, Reagan. We're all hiding in a panic room from your psychopath boyfriend." Myc added, turning off the TV. "It's time to call it. Pull the Band-Aid." "Oh, really?" Reagan asked. "Would you tell Joe Rogan the truth?" "I mean, he would probably say the truth is a spectrum, and I would tell him that makes no sense and then he'd put me in a headlock, get insanely high, and then jump into a sensory deprivation tank, so no." Myc explains. "Andre, I assume you're gonna be telling that insane sex cult where to find you?" Reagan asked. "Oh God, no." Andre replied. "I really don't have the emotional bandwidth for multiple sex cults right now." "And what about your former classmate, Lisa?" Reagan asked. "He was a stereotypical jockey douchebag who didn't want to face punishment for failing his classes." I explained. "Is it really that hard to get an A in biochemistry?!" "See? You're all hypocrites." Reagan said. "We've all ghosted people, and this is the craziest one of them all. I am telling you, we just need to wait him out." Reagan turned on CNN to reveal a report about Skullfinger, Rafe's nemesis. "In breaking news, supervillain Skullfinger was captured at his island lair..." The reporter announced. "Or find him a distraction." Reagan thought.

Once Reagan got back from Skullfinger's cell, she discussed another plan. Apparently, Reagan wasn't the only person who Rafe was obsessed with. We headed back over to his lair to rebuild the brainwashing machine that we were asked to destroy. "Let's keep it up, guys." Reagan commands. "After this, we can go back to our normal lives." "Reagan, do we really have to build this huge machine?" Myc asked. "Can't you just milk me?" "Jesus, Myc, that is your solution for everything." Reagan complained, mocking him. ""We have to brainwash congress. Milk me. There was a terrorist attack. Milk me." It's not enough. Rafe is hardwired with decades of codependency and toxic masculinity. And on top of that, he's obsessed with me." "Brag." Gigi mumbled. "Fixing this is going to take something stronger." Reagan added. "Well, you don't have to insult my goo." Myc said, looking upset. All of a sudden, Skullfinger's cat rubs up against Reagan's legs and starts purring. "Well, hey there, little buddy." Reagan greeted the cat, who in return scratched her eye. "Goddamn evil cat! God! I'll be right back. I'm gonna raid Skullfinger's closet for a clean shirt. Could I pull off a black turtleneck? You guys would tell me if I couldn't pull that off, right?" Gigi nodded in disagreement as Reagan left. "Why does it suddenly smell like cat piss?" I asked while assembling some pieces of the machine together. "I swear to Jesus, if Rocky decided to become a stowaway." "What can I say? She's banging." Rocky replied, pointing at the evil cat. "I'm getting you neutered when this is all over." I sighed, just as an explosion erupted from out of nowhere. "Shit. Rafe's here." "Knock, knock. Who's there?" Rafe taunted, aiming his gun at us. "Death." "And Brett." Brett added. "How did you find us?" Myc gasped. "I simply activated my tracker in Reagan's cell phone." Rafe explained. "You installed a tracker in Reagan's phone?" Brett asked. "Uh, yes, obviously." Rafe replied. "I do that in every relationship. Don't you guys?" "No I don't." Myc said. "That's called being a stalker." "That's fucked up, man." Andre added. "Creep!" I shouted. "Siri, add Creep by Radiohead to my playlist." "Whatever, I'm a spy." Rafe cocks his gun, pointed at Myc. "Now where is the man who killed my girlfriend? Where is he?" "Not so fast, Rafe!" Brett shouted, aiming his watch at him. "Brett. But why?" Rafe asked. "If being a secret agent means I have to be like you, then I don't want to." Brett confessed. "You're not suave and cool. You're insecure. And honestly, kind of a huge misogynist." "Uh, yeah." Gigi agreed. "A little bit." Andre said. "Totally." Myc commented. "And a huge dick to minors on top of that." I added. "It's almost like guys with weapons are compensating for something." Brett continues. "Hell yeah! This bad boy's got some fucking firepower!" Glenn shouted, activating the machine. "Woo! What? What'd I miss?" "So, unfortunately, Agent Masters, you're time has run out." Brett said, releasing gas from his watch, causing Rafe to pass out. "Nice pun." Myc complimented. "Well done." Glenn said. "Attaboy, Brett!" I cheered. "Screw him!" "Tagline worthy." Andre added. "Mm-Hmm." Gigi nodded.

I helped strap down Rafe to a table, tightening his restraints. Reagan came back looking like a badass in Skullfinger's spare clothes. "What's happening? What's going on?" Rafe asked as Reagan flipped on the machine. "What's wrong, Rafe?" Reagan asked. "Don't like being tied down?" "You know, this look is actually an improvement for you." Myc commented. "Shit, that stings." Reagan cursed, spraying her scratched up eye. "Wait a second. Reagan?" Rafe gasped. "But... but you're dead." "Yeah, and yet, you still stalked me here." Reagan complained. "I mean, what is it gonna take? I was just trying to avoid being the bad guy!" As soon as Reagan saw her reflection in the machine, she realized what she had become. "And I guess I can see how that turned out. Lisa, can you turn this thing off?" "Uh, sure?" I questioned the request as I went over to the control panel to turn off the machine. "Did she steal some of Andre's drugs?" "What are you going to do to me, Reagan?" Rafe asked. "Well, I was going to erase every woman you've ever dated." Reagan confessed. "No, not Chesty McThong and Bosems Naturale and Nora Gag Reflex." Rafe begged. "But I learned that sometimes the hard thing is the right thing." Reagan explains. "Rafe, I faked my death because you're a clingy psycho." "No, that's not possible." Rafe denied. "I'm universally regarded as charming!" "You are a corny, regressive stereotype, and the only people who think you're cool are dads or people who didn't have dads." Reagan continues. "Damn, that is accurate." Brett commented. "And more than that, I don't think that we have good sexual chemistry either!" Reagan shouted. "For a guy who's been with thousands of women, you really don't seem to know what you're doing down there!" "What is this? Mind games?" Rafe asked. "This is an honest conversation with a woman." Reagan replied. "Stop! It's torture!" Rafe cried. "You know what? It's time that I do the right thing too." Glenn said, dialing a number on his phone. "Hello, Ann. I didn't die in a tuna net on Deadliest Catch. I just didn't want to see you anymore." We all decided to tell the truth about faking our deaths. "Hello. Orgy Dome? It's Andre. I should have had the balls to end things with you face to face and ass to ass." Andre confessed over the phone. "Hey, Rogan, why don't you ask Jamie to pull up a video of me dumping your ass?!" Myc shouted. "Hey, Matt. It's Lisa Brandt." I greeted. "I wanted to apologize for faking my death. I did that to motivate your studies. I just moved to Washington DC to take care of my aunt." "Reagan, I'm sorry for picking Rafe over the team." Brett apologized. "I got caught up in the spy game, and, well, I guess I was just too damn good at it." "Brett, you were terrible at it." Reagan said. "But it's okay. I'm sorry for leaving you with that psycho." "So, what do we do about him?" Brett asked. "I'll take it from here." Skullfinger replied. "What are you doing here?!" Reagan gasped. "Something you said stuck with me, Reagan." Skullfinger explains. "You're right. Rafe and I are meant to be." "Skullfinger? What are you going to do to me?" Rafe asked. "Well, first of all, I'm going to use a solar powered laser to burn off your testicles." Skullfinger replied. "And then?!" Rafe wondered, looking intrigued. "Uh, do you guys want to get out of here before this gets weirder?" Reagan asked. "I think it's already happened unfortunately." I replied, walking out of the evil lair with my team, minus Andre so he could watch whatever the hell was going on in there.

Outside the lair, we all walked along the beach area, about to head back. "Guys, thanks for helping me out back there." Reagan said. "I promise I will make it up to you when we get back to the..." All of a sudden, we noticed JR talking with a bunch of construction workers. "What are you doing here?" He asked. "What are you doing here?" Reagan repeated. "Well, I was just..." JR began. "We were just..." Reagan interrupted. "We're taking the helicopter." "All righty, see you Monday." JR said. As we got onto the helicopter, Reagan took off, leaving Brett with a realization. "Should one of us have warned JR what he's about to..?" Brett wondered. "Who cares?" Gigi interrupted. "We're off the clock." "I'm sure he'll figure it out like a grown ass man." I added.