How has it been over a year since the cancellation?! I'm not okay! -Mal.

This morning at work, I decided to check some of the ridiculous stuff on Rand's YouTube channel. Reagan joined us in HQ, looking exhausted. All of a sudden, her phone began ringing. "Reagan, pick up the phone. That's right. I changed your ringtone when you were sleeping." Rand's message played on Reagan's phone. "Pick it up." "Are you gonna get that?" Glenn asked. Reagan put her phone inside a cup of coffee and had it disintegrated by one of her robot arms. "I'll take that as a no." I replied. "Hey, Reagan, I think you dropped your smile." Brett said, trying very hard to get a smile out of Reagan. "What have we got here? Oh, God. It's not working." "You ever have those mornings where you start pulling at the mental thread that you're entire life could be different if maybe you hadn't been raised by such an asshole?" Reagan asked. "No. My drive-to-work Jock Jams megamix keeps the bad thoughts far away." Brett replied. "Girl, my aunt is always high and drunk before noon." I explained. "Sometimes, she forgets to feed the cat while I'm at work." "Guess I'll just throw myself into whatever inane job we're doing next." Reagan said. "Probably something dumb, like going to the moon." "Good news, team. Today, you're going to the moon!" JR announced as everyone except Brett groaned. "But, didn't we fake the moon landing?" Brett asked as the Sasquatch walked past the entrance of HQ. "It is so hard to keep track of what's real and what's fake here. Hi, Sasquatch! I can never find an inroad with that guy." "Haven't you watched the moon-landing orientation film?" JR asked. "Why did we even kidnap Ken Burns if no one's watched the movie?" Gigi hits play on the remote to start the movie.

In 1962, President Kennedy had a dream to reach the moon. Mostly because he'd achieved every sexual experience on Earth and wanted to see what space sex was like. "We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy, but because I am hard." But the lure of casual sex proved too much for the astronauts, who created a free-love commune and refused to return home. To avoid a national PR disaster, the shadow government recruited crisis actors to play the rogue astronauts. Kubrick was hired to fake the return trip, and the moon was privately declared a hostile nation. The rogue colony still exists to this day. "I'm Ken Burns. If you're watching this, please, someone help me. I've been trapped in here..."

"Blah, blah, blah, lots of sobbing. You get the gist." Gigi said, turning down the volume of the TV. "We lost communication with Aldrin's Moontopia 30 years ago until today's distress signal." JR explained, showing the data of the distress signal. "Ooh, a deep space distress call." Myc said sarcastically. "Very sci-fi. I'm super invested." "Bullshit, Myc!" I snapped. "They could be finally be willing to surrender. Or it's a trap." JR continued. "We'll need two volunteers. Be warned, this is a near suicide mission in space. You may never see your families again." "No can do." I replied. "I get airsickness on planes. Can you imagine me in a rocket?" "I'm in!" Reagan exclaimed. "I repeat, you could die." JR repeated. "I'm already dead inside." Reagan said. "Road trip!" Brett shouted, playing music through his headphones. "Brett likes to slam the jam! Myc likes to slam the jam! Ken Burns likes to what?!" "IF I SAY "SLAM THE JAM," WILL YOU LET ME LIVE?!" Ken Burns cried.

The next day, we launched Reagan and Brett to the moon for their mission. "T-minus three, two, one. Ignition." I said as their rocket took off into space. "Well, I'm getting some coffee." "You realize that JR told us we needed to find the fake Aldrin, right?" Gigi reminded me. "We'll do that after coffee." I replied.

After stopping for coffee, Gigi, Andre, and I went undercover and headed to the stunt double's house to retrieve him. "Melvin Stupowitz?" Gigi asked. "Sorry, my friend, no one here by that name." He lied. "Though, we are both made from stardust." "Cut the shtick, Stupowitz." Gigi said as we all pull out our badges. "We're from Cognito." "Come on in." Melvin sighed, inviting us inside. Gigi had explained everything to him. "What do you mean I'm canceled? I took every note. Why don't I just punch another conspiracy theorist in the face? Hey, hey, I could make Buzz more dynamic. What if the character wore roller skates?" "It's over, Melvin." I said. "The real Buzz is coming back and we can't have two Buzzes running around, especially after three Tupacs got loose." "But I've been Buzz Aldrin for over 50 years." Melvin recalled. "I have grandkids. I'll really miss deceiving." "This isn't a negotiation." Gigi scolded. "Tomorrow, you're gonna show up at Cognito, get a new face, and, if you're lucky, maybe a new role." "I heard a spicy rumor that we're about to start casting for World War III." Andre added. "Apparently, this time, the Americans will be the bad guys." "With the way our country is headed, I can believe that." I commented.

Andre, Gigi, Glenn, Myc, and I were taking videos of the World War III auditions for the future. The company is actually making bets on when it's going to start. "This means war." Our first actor said, clearing his throat. "No, I got a better one. This means war!" "Sound colder." Myc commented. "World War III is gonna be with Antarctica to get their precious walrus oil." "Next!" I groaned, just as JR stormed in, hitting the actor with the door. "I thought I told you to handle the Melvin problem!" JR snapped. "Wow, someone's pissed." I said. "He's just running late." Gigi reassured him. "He's not late!" JR corrected, turning on the TV. "He's on Late Night!"

So, Buzz, you said you had something special to share with us?

That's right, Jimmy. And please, call me Melvin. I've just been playing Buzz Aldrin on behalf of the shadow government for 50 years, and now they wanna can me. All the details. All the details are in this book I wrote and the sequel, If I Didn't 2: New Moon. It gets a little steamy.

"Son of a bitch." Gigi cursed. "That midlife crisis actor is gonna blow my standing with the Robes!" JR yelped, checking his phone. "Do something!" "Patch me through to sleeper agent 0816." I commanded. "Code word: scene break."

Okay, join us after the break when I will be... recalling Melvin.

"Fallon's a sleeper agent?" Myc asked. "Why do you think Fallon laughs all the time? The CIA broke his damn brain." Gigi replied as we watched Jimmy Fallon perform a few flips on his set, hunting down Melvin. "Fuck! We finally met our match, and he's a 92-year old man on roller skates."

We were running out of time. The moon was moving out of orbit and we had to find Melvin. Glenn thought that there would be some hints in his books. To my surprise, he was actually right. Judging by the fact he was on Fallon, we knew he had to be somewhere in New York. While the gang flew the helicopter that way, I skimmed through both books to see his favorite hiding place, The Statue of Liberty. "Stand down, Melvin." Gigi said with her megaphone. "How did you find me?" Melvin asked. "It's all in your book, dumbass!" I shouted. "You ever hear of editing?" "I called it a tell-all, and I meant it." Melvin responded. "I'd rather die as a fake hero than live washed up." "Sweet Michael Bay, we're all getting washed up!" Glenn exclaimed as the tide began rising. However, in a matter of minutes, the tide returned to normal.

Once everything had settled down, we took Melvin into the rental van. "Melvin, it's time to let go of the spotlight." Gigi said. "It was never about the spotlight for me. It was an honor just to play a part." Melvin explained. "Oh, just drop me off in midtown. There's a cattle call for an adult diaper commercial." "At least you'll be able to use your real name after all these years." I reassured him as Gigi got a phone call from Reagan. "I hear you loud and clear." Gigi said to Reagan before hanging up. "We got renewed!" We all celebrated and Melvin got out of the van, punching a conspiracy theorist in the face.