Chapter Twenty- Three

Regrets

Natalia ended up in recovery, she really got injured in the explosion and her eye was not working at the moment.

We couldn't save Eren. For pete's sake I have never felt so ruined by this.

My relationship with Hange isn't the best right now as well.

I felt numb.

Cassie and Eric... And come to find out Connie is on his deathbed. He was poisoned by the stab from Reiner.

And somehow Eren was kidnapped from us, those two bastards took him.

What the fuck was going on, it was never this bad.

I felt so defeated and Eren wasn't even my brother.

He was a brat.

But I still cared about him.

I walked down the hallways with no life in me, I felt like a zombie.

I ate alone, I haven't visited Hange since that day.

And what? It's been about 2 weeks?

It hurt. It hurt that I couldn't save him. He was a fighter, and as much as I wish I didn't care about him I still do.

My empathy has grown more and more for what? For those to die around me, it hurt knowing if I never met Hange I would've been fine with comrades dying.

I've seen my comrades die before, not on our squad but other squads.

Yet this was so hard, I always thought we did well. And I told him to fight. I know he tried. I'm not sure what ended up happening but I know two people didn't return to the squad that day.

And I haven't forgiven Hange.

It felt like the clock was ticking yet I never noticed the new days coming in.

A knock on my door startled me from my seat, I was just drawing on a blank sheet of paper.

I sighed and opened the door to reveal Captain Levi, great.

Like I need this shit now.

"Yes?" I said going to my seat and continue my drawing.

"Why haven't you attended training?" Captain Levi walked in and I could tell he held a glare at me.

"Keeping tabs on me now?" I snorted bitterly resting my head on the palm of my head.

"I'm serious, Hange sent me." He replied and came closer to me. "Not that I actually care."

"Didn't say you did." I sighed turning to him paying my full attention. "I don't care about what she says, she cannot make me go it's not mandatory."

"What the fuck is up with you guys?" He cursed and grew more pissed off. "You're both in a pissy mood, it's not nice to work with. Acting like brats."

"If you have nothing else to say, you can get out." I advised raising my eyebrow. "I'm busy."

"Busy doing what?" He snatched the paper from my desk and looked at the new dress design I was making. "Designing for the ball?"

"It's not like I'm going, but I still want others to enjoy." I shrugged. "Missed you at the last one though."

"Right.." He placed the paper back down on the desk. "Why aren't you going this time?"

"Why do you care?" I groaned as my head still rested on my palm but I stared at him with a tired expression. 

"I don't." His glare faltered as he shifted his weight to his side. "But, I need you on the training grounds." 

"I don't want to go and I refuse to go." I snickered turning away from him.

I felt an arm pull me to my feet and I found his hand dug into my collar, he glared into my eyes and I suddenly felt intimidated.

"I thought you were better than this, again your ego has gone to your head and you won't even train because of a fight with Hange?" He scoffed. 

"Get the fuck off me!" I pushed him away and he took a few steps back clearly not expecting the push.  "I don't need to take shit from you! You're not my fucking captain!"

"Stop sitting on your ass the entire day!" He raised his voice. "You're acting like a brat disobeying Hange's order-" 

He stopped once I felt my eyes filling with tears and my hand clasp on my mouth. I sat on my bed trying to stop them from falling but it was no use. 

The door to my room closed and Captain Levi sighed loudly before walking over and standing in front of me.

"Oi. Why are you crying right now? This isn't something to cry about." He said making me look up at him. 

"Isn't something to cry about?" I chuckled before standing up with a glare. "I lost two comrades in battle and one of them could've been saved if Hange wasn't such an ass! You call that something not to cry about?" 

His eyes widened a bit before glaring at me again, it felt like he was trying to keep himself from turning gentle and it was something I was familiar with back at boot camp. It was hard to keep everything in and it was hard to keep myself from spilling everything to everyone. No one cared enough and it stayed that way until Hange. Fucking Hange Zoe.

"Get out!" I shouted and pointed to the door. "I don't want you here in my room, I do not take orders from you!" 

"I don't take orders from someone as incompetent as you." He straightened up. "You lost 2 comrades? How about losing an entire squad? How about losing two close friends?" 

I furrowed my eyebrows as he said those words and I could tell the last part slipped out of him.

"And you're still allowed to feel hurt and cry about it," I spoke up and wiped my tears away. "It's okay to feel."

"Fuck off." He shook his head storming out of the room and slamming my door. 

I'm guessing he lost people close to him, it looks like he was cold and he would never have any friends close to him but it turns out he's just hurt. Although he's clearly really hurt that's no excuse to treat people like shit. I didn't like him. Once I think he's actually decent he just tears it all down with his bad and inconsiderate attitude. And the fact he thinks my entire reason for not training is because of what happened between me and Hange..

What a selfish prick. A stupid selfish captain. 

Yet, I felt a push in that moment. I didn't want to wallow in self pity from the mission and even if I was mad at Hange why the hell was she mad at me? She looked at me through the hallways and I was always met with a glare. I just didn't know what was up with her! 

I guess it's time to train.