Chapter 21

It's 9AM at hindi pa rin ako nakakabangon sa kama. Nakatingin lang ako sa dingding at iniisip kung tama ba iyong desisyon ko. I mean, alam ko sa sarili ko na dapat hindi ako pumayag. That was the logical thing to do. If history would be a basis, things would not end well for us. We tried before, but failed. I mean, we did. Barely. But still.

Pero ano ang magagawa ko?

The heart wants what it wants.

'Busy?'

Napatitig ako sa screen ng phone ko nang makita ko iyong message sa akin ni Nikki. I sighed. I knew that I should talk to her. Mas importante 'to kaysa sa mga iniisip ko about Zion. I felt bad that I thought Nikki would go after Zion. She's my best friend. Dapat alam ko na na hindi niya gagawin sa akin iyon.

Mabilis akong nag-ayos at naglakad papunta sa Starbucks malapit sa condo. She was already there pagdating ko. Mukhang stressed ulit iyong mukha niya. I felt guilty again dahil sabi nga ni Gem sa akin na stressed si Nikki dahil sa akin.

"Hey," I said nang makalapit ako sa kanya. "Umorder ka na?"

"Not yet," she replied.

"The usual?" I asked. "Libre ko na breakfast natin."

"No—"

"Please?" sabi ko sa kanya.

She blinked. Nanibago siguro siya sa demeanor ko dahil parang kahapon lang ay halos takbuhin ko iyong distansya nung elevator at condo ko para lang makalayo sa kanila ni Zion.

"Okay..." she said.

"Okay. Wait lang," I replied as I walked towards the counter to order Nikki's usual. I got her the chia pudding and her iced Americano. I ordered French toast and iced macchiato for myself. I stood there and waited. At least if awkward pagbalik ko sa table, I could just focus my attention to eating.

But I couldn't delay this forever.

Ang hassle naman magkaroon ng issue sa kaibigan mo. Buti pa kapag kapatid mo, walang sorry-sorry. Basta isang araw, maguusap na lang kayo ulit.

"Did you read my messages?" she asked.

"Right..." sabi ko. Nakita ko lang sa preview iyong message niya kanina.

"That's fine," she replied. "There's nothing going on between Zion and me. I just have to make that crystal clear."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. I knew that I should tell her na nagusap na kami ni Zion, but a small part of my brain wanted to know kung alam niya na ba iyon. Kasi kung alam niya, ibig sabihin ay naguusap pa rin sila ni Zion. And parang tanga naman kung magseselos ako sa ganon. Kaibigan ko si Nikki, pero hindi ko rin kontrolado iyong nararamdaman ko.

Ang hirap kapag sobrang ganda ng best friend mo—na tipong kahit wala naman siyang ginagawa talaga, para bang alam mo na kayang-kaya niyang agawin kahit sino sa 'yo.

Ano ba ang cure sa insecurity?

"I wanted to tell that to you for so long, but I just got in my head, you know? That if I explained, maybe you'll think that I'm being defensive? I should've clarified immediately, I know. But... I don't know. Can we please go back to normal again? It's so boring without you," sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Okay," I said.

"Okay what?"

"Okay naman tayo."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Thank god," she uttered under her breath. "Plus Zion wouldn't shut up about you."

"Really? O baka sinasabi mo lang 'yan?"

Now, she's back to normal dahil finally ay inabot niya na iyong pudding niya, binuksan iyon, at sinimulang kainin.

"It's true. I mean, we don't really have anything in common, you know?"

"So, ako lang pinaguusapan niyo?"

"Kinda."

"Weh?"

"Yeah. I tried to introduce him to a couple of people, but he's just... weird around them. Can't explain."

"Paano mo nasabi? I mean, okay naman siya kila Erick and Fabian?"

"I know, but they're like roommates. I feel like different 'yon. Around other people, it's like he's having a hard time making friends," sabi ni Nikki. "That's why I was always with him. I felt bad for the guy. He's sometimes just standing alone. Breaks my heart, you know?"

Zion mentioned something about this before, pero hindi ko masyadong maalala. Siguro mapapagusapan namin 'yon along the way. Ewan. I did overthink a lot nung una kaming nagkakilala. Kung seryoso siya ngayon, I needed to be more chill. Pakiramdam ko kasi downfall ko iyong pagooverthink sa mga ginagawa niya at hindi niya ginagawa.

"Okay," I said.

"So... we're good?"

"Yup."

We didn't talk about Zion after that. Nikki told me random stories about work. It's weird how it's obvious that she's trying to fill the silence and trying hard na maging mukhang okay kami. Okay naman kami talaga.

"Kausap ko si Zion kahapon," sabi ko sa kanya. Baka ito iyong kailangan para mawala iyong weird awkwardness between us.

"Oh, yeah?"

I nodded. "He said he likes me and that he'd like to try again—whatever that means."

Tumango si Nikki, but she didn't really say anything. It was so unlike her na may sasabihin agad sa akin na advice o kung anuman. I actually like her advice.

Ugh.

Gusto ko na maging normal kami ulit!

"I mean, I said yes... pero pwede ko naman siguro bawiin? Sa tingin mo?" tanong ko sa kanya. Tumingin siya sa akin na para bang tinitimbang niya kung magsasalita ba siya o kung oo, magiging honest ba siya.

"You like him, right? As in really like him?"

"Yes."

"Go for it," she said.

"Really?"

She nodded. "But... you've been down this road before. Just practice more caution."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess list down the things that you didn't like before. Discuss it with him. At least the non-negotiable ones. Kasi if hindi, it's like watching the same movie and expecting a different ending, you know? Also, trust me, if a guy really likes you, he'll move heaven and earth just to be with you."

"What happened to 'Zion wouldn't shut up about you.'"

She shrugged. "That's still true, but just because a guy couldn't shut up about you doesn't mean he's gonna be a good boyfriend, you know? Sometimes, guys are like dogs. You have to train them and shit."

Tumango ako. "So, you think I should discuss with Zion iyong mga ayaw ko?"

She nodded. "Definitely. Wait," she said, "He's the one who initiated the conversation, right? About you trying again?"

Tumango ako. "Yup."

"Yeah. Definitely tell him the non-negotiables. That's when you'll know that he's really serious," sabi sa akin ni Nikki. "But... you know. At the end of the day, it's still your decision."

* * *

I did as Nikki said. I listed down all my non-negotiables. Ilang beses ko iyong binasa. Mukhang reasonable naman. But... it was still a bit hard for me to demand. Ewan ko ba. Parang wala akong karapatan.

I was in the middle of trying to finish my work for the day nang mag-ring iyong landline. I picked it up and was weirded out nang sabihin sa akin na nasa lobby si Zion. I contemplated on telling them to just send him up, but I ultimately decided against it. Kailangan muna naming i-discuss 'to bago siya makabalik sa room ko.

"Hey," he said with a smile nang makita niya akong naglalakad papunta sa kanya. Unlike before na talagang nag-aayos ako kapag magkikita kami, I didn't bother to change clothes. I mean, if he really liked me, he better like me for me. Nakakapagod din magpanggap na ganito o ganyan ka sa harap ng ibang tao.

"Hey," I replied. "Why didn't you just message me?"

"You deleted snapchat," he said.

"Oh... right." Suddenly, I was conscious na nakatingin sa amin iyong mga tao sa lobby. Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa kanya na maglakad-lakad muna kami sa labas, but I was reminded na naka-pambahay ako. It was like the universe was on his side and kept on giving him the opportunity para makapasok sa condo ko!

"You wanna go to my room?" I asked him. "Just to talk," I quickly added.

Napaawang iyong labi niya at saka natawa. "Of course. I wasn't thinking of anything."

I rolled my eyes as I began to walk. "Yeah, right."

"I told you that we'll do this right this time. So, we're gonna hangout first," he said.

"What's after hangout?"

"I think we have to be friends first," sabi niya. "Then more than friends. And then relationship?" he said like he was stating things based on some list he read.

"Did you read that from somewhere?" I asked habang nasa elevator kami.

"Googled it," he said. Wala talaga siyang masyadong friends. This was the kind of information you can get from a friend. "I mean, we are already friends... or not?" he asked.

"I don't think we're friends," I told him.

"Why not?" pagmamaktol niya na parang bata.

"First of all, I don't sleep with my friends."

Napaawang iyong labi niya. "Come on... That was before. Can't we reset the clock?"

"Is it really possible to reset the clock? It's not like I had an amnesia or something," sabi ko sa kanya.

Nakasunod siya sa akin habang naglalakad ako papunta sa condo ko. Nakakainis dahil bahagyang nanginginig iyong mga kamay ko habang binubuksan ko iyong pinto. And then I heard him chuckle.

I turned back and frowned at him. "What?"

"Your hands are shaking. I do make you nervous," he stated confidently.

I eyed him. "Shut up," I said.

"Why?"

"If you want to be friends, you can't tell me things like that?"

"Why not? Friends do banter, right?"

"It's not banter. You're flirting with me."

"Can't help it," he said. "But I will try."

Finally ay nabuksan ko na iyong pinto. Pumasok ako roon sa loob. I didn't plan on inviting him upstairs. Hindi naman totally madumi iyong unit ko, pero hindi rin siya ganoon kalinis. It was so different from before kasi magmessage pa lang sa akin si Zion, agad akong naglilinis. But maybe this was for the best. He did say that he like me. He has to like me for me—not the one who put her best foot forward in everything because she's desperate for him to like her.

"Do you want anything?" I asked.

"Just some water, please," he said.

"Okay. Just take a seat."

Kinuha ko siya ng tubig. Nakita ko na nakaupo siya roon sa beanbag. I didn't want to reminisce about before, but this stupid brain of mine couldn't help it! D'yan din siya dati nung sinabi niya na gusto niyang tumambay sa condo ko habang naghihintay na matapos ako sa ginagawa ko. Iyon point na inisip ko na baka pwedeng magkaroon ng mas. It opened a window of possibilities for me... only for it to ended up being shut right at my face.

"Thank you," he said nang iabot ko sa kanya iyong baso ng tubig.

I sat on the couch, just a meter away from him. He was watching my every move habang iniinom niya iyong tubig. It's just weird how everything he does was... sensual to me. I knew we should take it slow, but damn, I was so physically attracted to this person!

Ako ata ang may kailangan ng tubig.

"So, what's up?" sabi niya.

"Were you serious about what you said?" I asked.

"About what specifically?"

"Trying things again."

"Yeah."

"Okay," I said tapos ay kinuha iyong phone ko kung nasaan iyong listahan ko ng non-negotiables. "If you're really serious, I have a list of non-negotiables."

Natawa siya sandali, pero nang makita niya na seryoso ang mukha ko ay natigilan siya. "You're serious?"

I nodded. "As a heart attack," I said.

Umayos siya ng upo. "Okay. What are in this list?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. "No more snapchat."

"Why?" he asked. "I mean, can I ask why? Or is this list not up for discussion?"

"It's called non-negotiable for a reason," I sarcastically said. I saw him quite taken aback sa sagot ko. He's used to me being overtly nice to him. Well, if he really wanted to be with me, he better be used to a little attitude. I mean, hindi naman palagi pero minsan siguro. I didn't want to be a yes, Zion kagaya nung dati.

"Oh, okay," he said. "Cool. No more snapchat. Do I delete snapchat?"

"Up to you," sabi ko sa kanya. "But I don't wanna talk via snapchat."

"Okay. Where will we talk?"

"iMessage."

"Okay. Can I get your number then?"

"Yes," I said.

"Okay. What else?"

"No cancellation of plans without telling me."

He looked guilty. At least alam niya pala. "Got it."

"If you want to ask me out, three days in advance. I'm not always free."

"Sounds reasonable," he said. "But what if I'm free and I wanna see your face?"

"Look at my Instagram account."

His lips parted and he laughed. "That's... fair," he said. "God, you can be funny."

Umirap ako. "No kissing, no touching—at least while we're still friends."

He rolled his eyes, too. "Hard but doable," he said. "Anything else?"

Inilista ko iyong iba pang mga ayaw ko na ginawa niya dati. Ayoko lang naman na maulit 'yon.

Sabi nga ni Nikki, kung walang magbabago, paano mababago?

"Is that all?" he asked and I nodded. "Can you email me the list?"

"Okay," I replied. "Any questions? Clarifications?"

He stared at me.

Why was he staring like that?!

"Why? You think it's hard?"

"Not at all," he said, shaking his head. "Nothing's hard enough if you really want it bad enough."

**

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