This story was requested by @_Luthien_Miriel_ ; Imagine your Bilbo's niece, and heir, and you're depressed. He takes you on his journey because he's scared for your health. On the journey you try to relax but you're feeling terrible so you decide to self-harm. Kili goes looking for you and finds you. Sorry for the long wait, but it's finally here!

!! Warning for self-harm triggers !!

'Promise me you won't pick up that knife again' said Bilbo. His eyes were filled with tears but also a determination that you had not seen there before. Your lower arms were still uncovered, the fresh wounds stung just a little bit. Bilbo's hands still hold yours like they had for a whole hour now. He gently squeezed your hand. You looked up at him, holding his gaze, and slowly you nodded. 'I promise.' Bilbo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 'What do you promise me?' he said in a tired voice. A single tear rolled down your cheek. 'I promise you I won't pick up that knife again' you said, in a soft voice. 'And you promise me not to do what with it?' You could hear he was losing his patience. 'I promise you I won't pick up the knife again and harm myself with it.'

That conversation had taken place a few weeks ago, before the dwarves had pillaged Bilbo's pantry and before Gandalf had shown up. You had lived with your uncle Bilbo for a few years now. He had taken you in when no one else would, after your parents died of an orc attack. All the other hobbits said it was their own fault for wanting to go on an adventure. No one seemed to care about the small child they left behind. But Bilbo had heard of the news and immediately he had gone looking for you. He found you hidden in a closet, hiding from the outside world. It took him a little while to get you out, but once you were out you never left his side.

Now, he wouldn't leave you in his house alone, without protection. He had known for a long time that you were depressed, but he had only find out about the cutting recently. It had broken his heart. He had sworn to protect you against anything, but now he couldn't protect you against yourself. Even though you objected to come along on this journey, he had demanded that Thorin would let you come. The dwarves didn't want to hear about it, until Bilbo and Thorin had a one on one talk in the kitchen. You didn't know what your uncle had told him exactly, but when they came out the kitchen, you were free to come with them.

In the first few weeks of your journey you had survived the trolls, cold nights, an empty stomach and the first orc attack you had ever witnessed from close by. The Durin's and Dwalin stayed close to you and tried to protect you in the best way they could. Thorin never said anything bad to you, only to your uncle. The Company was lucky enough to escape and safe their skin. They had traveled for three days in a row without sleeping. Thorin wanted to make sure the orcs wouldn't find them any time soon. Luckily, he realized his Company needed rest. Bofur was currently cooking dinner and the other dwarves were sleeping or close to sleeping. Bilbo had put his feet up to rest on a log and for a moment, he didn't pay attention to where you were going.

You were able to sneak off. During the long travel you had noticed a small river near the camp, and you couldn't wait to get some alone time. The dwarves were nice and they offered great company, but every now and then you would like to be left alone. Especially the last few days after the orc attack. The memories to your father and mother rushed back into your memory, leaving you to close off from the dwarves and Bilbo. They had noticed but thought you just needed some time to process the latest attack. Only Thorin and Bilbo knew more about what was going on with you. The river wasn't far away from camp so you didn't have to walk for long.

Your feet were killing you and you were anxious to put them down in the cold water. After a little alone time you would tell the rest of the Company that there was a river near by. You sat down on the mossy ground and closed your eyes as the coolness of the water rushed over your feet. This was pure bliss. As you sat there, more images of your parents flashed through your mind. From the moment Bilbo had found you, you had always told him that you hadn't seen them. You told him they had left you at home alone. Bilbo had never believed you, but it was the only version of the story you told him. In reality you had been there. The orcs had hold you in place while they slaughtered your parents in front of your eyes. You had screamed and begged for them not to do it. The orcs would just laugh at you.

Your mouth tightened. You could still hear them laughing. You could still smell their dirty, rotten breath. Your fists clenched. If only you would have been able to fight them off. But you were too young at the time. Why did they have to kill your parents? Your parents hadn't been a threat to them. There was no reason but fun why they would have killed them. Your hand went to your pocket, but it was empty. Normally you would keep your pocket knife there, but Bilbo had taken it from you. Your eyes shot open and you looked around. The old scars on your arms started tickling. It needed to happen. You needed to cut yourself. It was not you who wanted it. It was your body who was begging you to do it.

Just a few feet away lay a sharp stone. You crawled forward and picked the stone up, trembling. Would you throw it all away? All those weeks without hurting yourself... Bilbo had praised you about it yesterday, when no one was listening. Now, you knew you hadn't deserved that praise. The urge was still there. The only thing that had been missing was the tool. But now it was here, laying in your hands. Nothing could stop you now. You sat back down and placed the small stone on the ground in front of you. You rolled up your sleeve of your left arm and took the stone back in your hand. For a moment you just stared at the old wounds. They resembled nothing but hopelessness and grieve to you. But somehow they were comforting too.

With a trembling hand you brought the stone to your arm and made a small, first cut. A small shot of pain shot through your body and you hissed. For some strange reason it felt really good to have the familiar feeling back. Bilbo completely disappeared from your thoughts. A trail of blood dripped down on the ground. 'What are you doing?' Your eyes shot wide open. Kili came closer, but remained standing. His eyes were focused on your exposed arm. You knew there was no use to cover it up, he had already seen it. 'How long?' he asked, his voice sounded broken. You looked down at his boots. 'Many years' you muttered. Kili knelt down. 'I didn't hear you.' 'MANY YEARS, ALRIGHT!' you shouted at him.

Your eyes filled with tears. You didn't want to yell at him, but you also didn't want to talk about this subject. Kili took your hand in his and stroked your skin with his thumb. 'Look at me' he said. Instead you closed your eyes and hid your face from him. He placed his forehead against your head. 'Please look at me' he begged. You were sobbing. Why did he have to find you like this? For so long you had been able to keep it hidden from everyone. Bilbo had only found out recently. Maybe he had suspected it for many more months, but he hadn't known it for sure. Even the dwarves hadn't found out. Until now.

'Why won't you look at me?' Kili asked. You hiccuped. 'It's not exactly a pretty sight' you said through your tears and hiccups. 'Is that the point right now?' Kili asked confused. You looked up at him. There was no judgment in his eyes nor was there anger. 'Why would you do this to yourself?' he asked. You told him everything that had happened. For some reason you told him everything that happened. It was more then you had ever told Bilbo. 'But... do you think your parents would want you to hurt yourself? It sounds to me like they did everything in their power to save you from the same faith they went through...' Kili spoke slowly. 'I just can't bare their loss...' you said. Kili frowned for a moment before his face lightened up.

'I lost my father to orc's too. I didn't really know him, I was too young when he was taken from us. But still I feel the sting in my heart and I get really frustrated about it from time to time. When that happens, I go into the woods and stay there for a while.' He sits down next to you, and together you watch a bird in the top of the trees. 'Sometimes I just need to be on my own. My kin understands and they give me some space, but they always keep an eye on me. Just like I do for them. There is no need to hurt yourself, especially when they died protecting you.' You lean your head on his shoulder as he wraps his arm around you. 'It just get's hard when I hear their screams again' you said. 'I know... But you need to find another way to handle your loss. I won't stand by and watch as you are hurting yourself.' 'You promise?' 'I promise on my own life.'