She could be heaven or hell,
She could be an Angel,
Or sleep with the Devil,
A strong mans dream or a weak mans nightmare,
And often does the world happen upon weak men.
-Reggie Nulan

Jessamine scowls at me as we enter photography on Friday.

She's not as mad that she had to pick me up, but rather where she had to pick me up from and the way I was when I got there along with the fact I won't stop trying to stretch out her green flannel.

I'm still wearing loose jeans but with this flannel I almost appear normal.

My curves are barely hidden at all.

"Can I please go get my sweatshirt? It's in my locker if I could just-"

"No!" Jessie says, shooting me a look as she sits beside Calum.

He's talking to his best friend just like I am, and both pairs ignore one another.

Not that I think me and Xavier will be doing much talking after all.

"Why not?" I huff, motioning down me. "This is gross. I'll blind people. Blind them Jessie, do you want me to be that kind of asshole that just goes around blinding people with ugliness? Pupils will be scorched with hellfire, and I bet that's mildly uncomfortable at best. Don't you care about all those newly blind people?"

"You're driveling. Emma seriously?"

For how I keep going she might as well not have spoken at all.

"It's more painful then it looks to face plant into a brick surface, I should know. It's even worse to trip down stairs or fall in mud. However entertaining a group of people blinding by my fugliness running into a wall, bouncing back, falling, getting up only to do it all over again would be...well it could all be avoided by a simple sweater, really." I finish, biting my lip as I see the deadly look on her face.

"Emmeline if you say one more word about you being ugly, or blinding people with your body I swear to God I will stab you in the jugular with this pencil." Jessie says, showing me a extremely sharp pencil.

As if offered candy my face lights up. "Is that a promise because if it is I might have to take you up Ow!" I yelp as she slams the pencil into my arm and it clatters to the floor. Hissing in pain I take a step back, leaning against the wall.

Thankfully both our tables are in the back.

My hand comes away wet with blood.

Jessamine panics, her eyes widening completely. "What -I didn't mean to actually stab you! I swore I was aiming with the erasure."

Chuckling I way her off, a small smirk on my face as I cup the wound. "It's chill. This gives me the perfect excuse to grab my sweatshirt while I pretend to go to the nurse. I'll just skip the rest of this hour and read."

She groans out loud, tears coming quick to her eyes as she buries her hand.

I scoff lightly.

"Why are you the one crying? You stabbed me!" She raises her head and glares lightly at me. "You're much less intimidating when there's tears on your face."

It's almost without thinking that she reaches up and slaps my arm into the exact spot she stabbed me. My eyes widen and I curse under my breath, now in real pain I glare at her. "Abuse isn't mandatory, I'll stay your best friend without Stockholm syndrome."

"This isn't funny Emma! I stabbed you." Jessie says, giving me a pointed look.

I peel my hand away, noticing how it's not fully covered in red yet. "Yeah I'm aware but you have to admit, it's kind of funny." She glares more, but more tears stream down her face as she silently sobs. "Not that, um not that this is that bad either. I was a bigger mess this morning, and that's when I didn't have hole in my-"

I'm cut off by a sudden wail, and I know today has just been too stressful for her.

And it's only second hour.

We skipped first to help me.

"Miss Carter is Jessamine okay?" I grimace as my teacher calls on me, quite loudly at that.

"Yes Ms. but, can I take her in the hall?" I ask this over another violent sob, and pretend to smile innocently while hiding my injury. "It's somewhat urgent. Her cat died."

She has the decency to at least pretend to care as she waves us out to the hall. With a breath of relief I should my backpack, lifting her large one before she grabs it and follows me out into the hall.

Jessie drops her bag, and I'm about to ask her why she did that knowing her lunch is in there but then her hand is flying across my face.

She slapped me.

"What the fuck?" I yell, but she only slapped my other cheek. I hold both and scramble back, glaring at her.

"You listen to me and you listen to me good Emmeline Rose Carter or it will be the last fucking thing you ever do." I gulp now, actually afraid. "You can't break down like that and just, and just expect me to keep it together too. I know it hurts and I know it sucks but you can't hurt yourself."

Oh but it's okay for you to?

"You need to take care of yourself. You have to go home every night, it's gotten to the point where I swear you think that gravestone is your home. It's not Emma, it's not. He's gone, that's just a body now, it's not your home." I don't know why her words effect me so much, but no sooner is it said then my head is dipped and tears are streaming.

"I wish it was my home, that would be better." I whisper quietly, feeling small inside these large walls.

For once, I want to feel big.

Maybe that's why I wear such baggy clothes.

"Well it can't be. You can't go out there every night, it's killing you. At least stop falling asleep out there, something bad could happen." She says.

Good, I want to scream. Let it happen. I deserve it.

"Ooo ghosts, I'm so scared. Better hope Caspar stays away." I say instead, my voice dripping in sarcasm.

"He wouldn't want you to hide yourself like that, you know it would have destroyed your dad to see you like this."

I don't know why I got angry, but I did.

My head snaps up, she sucks in a breath.

"Like what? I know all that Jessie, don't you think I know how fucking disappointed in me he'd be if he knew what his only daughter turned out to be. That his child is now some suicidal, ugly, pitiful -Hell, I don't even know if I can use the word girl for what I am. Don't you think I know what he would be like he if saw me like this? I know okay, I know." I look away from her, knowing the look she's going to give me.

"I didn't mean to...you're not ugly or pitiful Emma. You're beautiful and you deserve more than pity, you deserve the most with what you've been through." Jessie says, and I know despite her pause she wants to add more.

But I can't let her, not without saying what I'm thinking.

"With what I've been through?" I laugh, and I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard. "I'm not the dead one. I don't get a claim to anything when I'm the one who survived. You know who those men wanted that night? Me. You know who they got? My dad." My tears are dry, but I stumble over words and my voice cracks. "It's not fair. I don't get a say to this pathetic sob story everyone who knows rubs in my face as if it's the reason for all the bad things in my life. He's dead so you know what, until I see a hand sticking up out of the dirt when I'm there you can count me out."

"Out of what?" She asks, the white of her eyes red.

"Life!" I shout.

"You were doing so good, what happened?" She asks sounding genuinely confused.

I would laugh if I didn't think she was serious. "You're not kidding are you? Seriously?" I demand. "Are you kidding me? Of course I haven't been getting better! All I do, every day, is wake up, if I even get sleep because of my insomnia. And if I do get sleep it's all nightmares, every single time. I get up and go to school, here people despise me and now because of a rumor you started guys have been coming up to me for the past week and trying to feel me up, or at least get me to take off my shirt."

"I get home and do homework unless you decide you want to get drunk somewhere big and public and you never ask me how I feel about that. You just assumed my party appetite was the same after I watched my fathers heart blown apart, but hey we all have lethal faults sometimes." She flinches, paling slightly. "And then when I get home I have to see the dad I lost everywhere, because Mom refuses to take the things away even after I told her how worse it's making me. I get home from nine to three am and then I sit up and wait for my own drunk mother to get home and start demanding things from me or passing out in a pool of vomit."

Jessamine shudders at this and leans into the lockers but I keep going.

"Do you have any idea how it feels to be constantly tired? And if for a second you're fine it's like heaven, and then it ends with hell. Rise and fall, as they say." I chuckle to myself. "I still want to kill myself, I never stopped I just promised you I wouldn't do anything stupid -But fuck Jessie! It's the most logical thing I can do right now but I'm not because I promised you. It would destroy you and I'd rather destroy myself so hey, fuck it right."

She's crying now.

"And then I have to get up and do it again and again and I bet I'll be doing that until my last breath and it's exhausting!" I cry out, not registering the large figure leaning against the classroom doorway. "It's exhausting and I'm exhausted and I stayed alive for you. I stay alive for you! For you." I say, but it comes out weak. "Don't make me give that up too."

"I-I-I didn't know and -You appeared fine." Jessamine says.

"A lot of people appear fine, Jessie, that's all people pretend to be. I'm staying alive for you, okay? But the part of me that died with Dad feels so close to reviving when I'm sitting against his headstone. It's almost like we're sitting back to back, and talking. But I'm the only one talking, and I never get a reply. It's a horrible one way radio." I say this while stepping away.

"Have Julian pick you up, please. Just go home and sleep." Jessie says, I sigh and huddle further in on myself.

"I don't want him to have a burden like me, he's on a rare break from college. I want Jules to enjoy it. I'll just read for the rest of the hour." I smile at her attempt. "What's a adventure to a little sleep right?"

"You need to tell me when you get like this, you said you'd tell me." She complains, looking annoyed but overall worried.

"And I did, it's just been a while and hasn't stopped. What- -am I supposed to update you every day like 'Hey, I think I might want to kill myself a little less today' or something?" Trying to add humor fails miserably when the boy by the door, the one both me and Jessie only notice after he clears his throat.

Xavier.

With a smirk, of course.

"I think that's a good plan actually." He says, stepping out to stand straight.

Jessie visibly pales but I remained unfazed.

Ah, the fuckening in my day is Xavier.

A common theme apparently.

"How much of that did you hear?" My best friend asks, now mad and more defensive then she needs to be. "You had no right to listen onto our conversation."

"When you slapped her the teacher asked me to shut the door since it's in the back, fuck me for being closest right. But I heard some pretty interesting things. I was right about the daddy issues." Xavier says, looking as smug as humanly possible.

Every emotion washes away from me completely, leaving me numb.

"Don't you fucking dare tell her that!" Jessamine screams, her fists clenching like she wants to hit him. Knowing her she does.

"And it's not real daddy issues if I don't have a dad anymore." I add on, quite helpfully. At least I thought it was before Jess turns wildly and tires to slap me again. I flinch back and scramble into opposing locker with a small grin. "What? That was funny!"

"That's not funny." She growls.

So elegant.

"It's kinda funny." Xavier agrees with me.

Look at us, being civil and all.

"You," She points at me. "I'm calling Julian to come pick you up so go wait in the office, you know he'll carry you out don't make it difficult."

"He wouldn't carry me out and I wouldn't make him." I say indignantly.

"You broke your wrist but wanted to finish your book before going to the hospital and he had to carry you into and out of the car." Jessie drawls, sounding so annoyed she's bored.

If anything my grin gets wider. "In my defense it was a really good book." I twist out of the way when she tries to hit me again. "But fine, I won't make him break his puny arms carrying me. See you at home."

I turn away from her, my smile instantly dropping as I sigh.

I walk past Xavier without blinking.

And for some reason all I want it a hug.

Is there a stronger word then fuck?

"And you," Jessie snaps, talking to him. "We need to talk."

I'm sure his smirk grows as he says: "I always enjoy it when people say that. Really sets the mood for the about-to-get-in-trouble thing."

"Will you help me hide a body?" She screams at me down the hall.

"Anything for you." I shout back.

"I think we got that from the whole 'I'm living for you' bullshit." Xavier says, and the last thing I hear before I turn to corner towards my locker is Jessie's distraught sob.

Gotta love emotional people.

I release a small, muffled scream before I can stop myself. Next to me Julian winces, his face already green from the work.

We're in the dinning room, I'm sitting without a shirt on the table. My arm is being examined by Julian, as he currently has to pull shards of glass out of my hand and wrists.

There's a lot of blood, everywhere.

At first he wanted me to go to the hospital, but I flat out refuse.

He told me if I pass out we're going, despite my strong fear and hatred for that place.

A blue-stained-red towel is laid under me, and another purple one wrapped under the back to try to make sure he stays relatively blood free to see. Jessamine's poor green flannel that was once tied tightly around my elbow feel off because of how soaked it got, it was too heavy and soggy to do anything truly useful.

And the true fuckening appears.

I'm pretty sure Xavier wouldn't cut me up like this.

But hey, people have wild kinks all the time.

Satan help me, why am I having those thought?

Right because the only personal thing I've ever done with Xavier besides eye contact was kiss like no tomorrow.

I hear the door open, and in respond I begin to tell Julian but then he digs into a larger piece causing it to slice me open more as he only succeeds in pushing it deeper.

I give a strangled cry of pain, grabbing the only part of my forearm that's not covered in glass.

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm going as fast as I can, I wish it would just come out." Jules says, I can only nod in response.

Feeling as if I'm about to faint I think of my lovely timing, how I actually might when Jessie walks into the room. "What in the fresh hell is going on right now? Why was there -EMMA!" She screams, cutting herself off.

She answered her own question.

Her brown doe eyes are practically bulging out of her head as she scans me.

"Don't freak out." I say, but it's left ignored when two more people walk into the room.

The school's angel, Calum, takes one look at me then promptly crashes to the floor with his face twisted. I flinch at the sound of his body smacking the floor, Jessie takes off and a second later the sound of her throwing up into the kitchen trash rings out.

The Devil just continues to stare at my arm, completely stoic.

Someone's used to blood.

"You should take out the biggest piece before Jessie comes back and sees it." I say, pointing at the large glass shard going across the length of my inner wrist towards the start of my hand.

Past that point I can't feel anything until you start digging into me.

"If I take that piece out in the wrong way, or even take it out you could bleed out all over my new carpet." Julian protests, looking even greener.

Neither of the Thatch siblings handle things like this well.

"We're not above carpet, you're dining room is lined in tile. Has been since you moved in. Are you sure you're feeling okay?" I ask, but then Julian shoots out of his chair and almost knocks me over in the process.

I cry out in pain as I catch myself with my glass infected palm.

I'm about to ask Julian why he did that but he's not in the room anymore and I hear yet another person throwing up.

Weaklings.

My eyes trail to Cal's body slumped awkwardly on the floor, his corpse stirring.

Still alive then.

"Is he...okay?" I ask tentatively, not feeling like talking to the boy in front of me at all.

"He's fine, doesn't handle blood well." Xavier steps forward over him, making me look away.

Jules didn't mention it when I took off my shirt but the hickies on me are still healing, even after six days.

And Xavier would know that, if he would just look.

I start eyeing the big piece and end up siding with Julian, scowling silently to myself. I hate it when that idiot is right.

"What happened?" He asks.

I want to scoff and tell him to fuck off, because he doesn't care.

I also want to start crying actual tears and tell him I couldn't handle it when my mom called me drunk.

She told me she knew I was suicidal, that she just didn't care and started suggesting ways for me to end the job. She called me a fuck up, because she knew I had tried before and didn't even do that right. She told me she wish I wasn't born and that I had died rather then made her husband die.

"Parent's are awesome." I decide to say, staying blank as I pick up the tweezers and start painfully trying to remove smaller pieces from my palm.

My wrist is already cleaned out and bandaged up, save for the large glass shard.

We worked our way down.

"Your mom did that to you?" His voice is strangely venomous.

"She was the cause. My fist through a badly placed mirror was the effect." I say, and am slightly okay with it. It was a really ugly impractical light-saber shaped thing. They should be thankful I'm helping Julian redecorate his room.

"How'd she cause it?" He asks, I glance at him warily before setting the tweezers down. This is just too hard to do on myself.

"You don't really care and I don't feel like wasting oxygen," I shrug.

"I'm gonna barf again." Julian announces while walking into the room, his eyes trained on me.

"I tend to have that affect on people." I say, regretting it when he blanches. "You don't have to do this Jules, I can do it myself."

"You're already in a lot of pain, I need to do something." He says, but almost takes a step back at the sight of dripping blood.

"Taking care of yourself is enough sometimes." I tell him while giving him the biggest smile I can muster, which isn't a big one.

Jessie, unfortunately, walks back in just in time to hear this. "A lesson you could learn well." She mutters, giving me a once over. "Your mom again."

"I think you should get a reward for getting that first try." Xavier says sardonically.

"I think you should shut the fuck up." My awesome best friend responds evenly. "Is she drunk again?" She asks me, instantly turning my mood sour.

"She doesn't remember her own name but she remembers mine enough to yell at me." I throw my uninjured hand up in anger. "On any other day she can't even remember me enough to pick me up from school or notice I'm even gone but today she just randomly decides to remember she pushed a kid out of her vagina seventeen years ago and they're still alive. Total bullshit." I pause, realizing Xavier's smirk is for a different reason now. "Sorry Jessie, blood loss equals no filter."

Her lips purse. "Naturally."

"I-I can't Emma, I'm sorry." Julian says suddenly, scrapping his chair back.

Silence falls on us, and Jessamine seems to notice Calum on the floor and rushes to his side.

Great best friend, choosing past out boy instead of me.

Let the ship sail!

"I'll do it." Xavier offers.

Without thinking I scowl and glare at him. "I'd rather die...then not have you help me at all because you're such a good person and I'm injured!" I add this in a fake peppy voice after I see Jessie's fake motherly warning look that never fails to invoke fear in me.

Xavier smirks widely as he sits in the chair in front of me, dwarfing it completely.

I don't find this smirk attractive, or good looking or fake or playful.

This smirk scares me.

And I realize yet again another reason they call him the Devil.