Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.
-Jack Heath

I'm not thankful it's Wednesday at when I slam my bag onto the table with force. 

Jessie- -who deals with my anger over life every lunch hour- -doesn't flinch whereas her boyfriend jumps in his seat and sends me a questioning glance. 

"My gym teacher is such a asshole!" I say. "He kept making me and my partner chase after the lost balls and put everything away just because Carter," This is my partner, simply because of the common name. "Is dating his daughter. I'm constantly late to my fourth hour because of this shit! Carter has drawing with me and even after explaining it to my teacher she still freaked out. Now we have to do a realistic sketch of each other. She kicked us to the hall, old hag."

Jessamine nods, knowing by now she doesn't have to respond to my rant just let me know she actual heard me. "What have people been saying about your new clothing choice?" 

I frown, glancing down to my outfit. 

For school I kept it down to fitted jeans a loose shirt.

"A lot of them were surprised I owned pants that were in my size. And I swear they don't know what a t-shirt is." I huff.

"You're with that Carter guy for two straight hours, you're gym partners and now he has to draw you." Calum says, raising a eyebrow. "Has he said or done anything?" 

I make a face at this, imaging Carter's soft hazel green eyes a sweet smile twist into the feature Aspen had. I can't even picture it. 

"He's not like that. For one he has a long term girlfriend and he doesn't pay attention to clothing." I shrug. "He only noticed when he didn't have to draw my baggy ass sweatpants."

My best friend laughs, looking pleased. "I'm so glad you're you."

I grin at Jessie, sending a wink her way. "Me too."

"Where's your food?" Cal, always the Angel, asks in mock concern. 

With a sheepish smile I quickly make my way to the cafeteria lines, sitting back down a few minutes later I notice the new extension to the table -the Devil. 

"Miss me much Devil?" I ask Xavier, noticing his eyes glued onto me.

"Hell yes -no pun intended." He says, biting his lip flirtatiously. 

Flashing his sharp teeth at me when I sit down, only to have him grab the edge of my chair and pull it straight into the side of his -making my fall into his side. "There you are."

I blink at him before offering a small grin. "And there you are."

Jessamine interrupts us before we can continue. "Does Carter even draw good? Do you look like a potato in his sketch?"

"Yeah he's a good artist, but I look like a potato anyway." Xavier laughs while Jessie throws a tater tot at me -glaring as I catch it in my mouth and smirk at her. "What?" I ask. "It was funny."

"No it wasn't." She says. "Can I see the drawings?"

"Sure, but I have to warn you he's probably better than I am. He's actually really good, it would suck to have a drawing buddy who wasn't good at drawing." I agree, boasting his skills at the same time. 

Xavier snorts slightly, shaking his head. "Doubt that."

"Same," Jessie says. 

"Give me a second." I say, standing. "I'll get him." 

Every day he puts them away after lunch and I get them before class, he's in our lunch so finding him won't be a issue. It's a good system. 

Scanning the room I find his familiar flop of blond hair. 

In gym we whistle a certain tune to get each other's attention in the middle of games, for when we want the ball or for one of us to hit something over to the other -so that's exactly what I do.

Carter snaps his head up, holding a finger out to his girlfriend. He nods once before picking up both our drawing boards and quickly walking over to us.

"Oh, Carter Dallas." Jessie says, eyes following him through the room.

I nod, taking a seat again. "Don't mention Texas around him, or call him The Real America Cowboy. It's a soft spot." I grin at this, having done exactly that. "Only need to make that mistake once before you learn."

A large hand brushes against my leg, I look up and nod my permission -Xavier's fingers instantly spread out and start drumming against my inner thigh. 

He grins in a feral way, winking at me before leaning to a side to watch me.

I realize why when Carter clears his throat from beside us, the familiar sweet smile welcoming as I turn sheepishly to face him. "I'm guessing you wanted me to bring these." He waves the boards at me.

"Yeah, I wanted to show off them skills." I wink at him, motioning him to hand me one. "I get yours you get mine."

He hands me the one I wanted without complaint -holding up a nearly done drawing of him staring to the side. A wide grin is on his face as he blows a kiss to the right.

This is a present to his his when I'm done with it -being too awkward to do it himself.

I hold up a sketch of me in shorts and one of Xavier's large shirts -what I wear to gym every day. In it a have a small smile and very soft eyes. He hasn't drawn my hands yet buy in the actual photo that's clipped to the board in the corner you can see me looking down at a set of pictures.

The day I was late we didn't get to change until lunch, I kicked off my shoes and slipped on my fuzzy socks, my messy bun making whispers of hair frame my face. 

I look completely in my zone as I gaze down to me and Xavier in the carnival photo-booth. 

In the first one the Devil just grinned widely, winking at the camera. In the second he's smirking while teasingly biting my jaw. The next one shows us kissing. Finally in the last one- -when he thought it was over- -it caught Xavier looking at me while my hand touches my lips and my eyes were still shut in the aftermath.

I didn't know he looks at me after we kiss.

Carter saw that moment as the perfect point to draw me at, mine came from his girlfriends home screen.

"Is that-" Xavier pauses, squeezing me as he reaches up towards the photo. "You're looking at me?" He asks, eyes turning towards me. 

Hope, doubt and incredibility cloud the blue in such a vulnerable way that I have to do a doubt take before nodding and looking away, tucking strands of my curly brown hair behind my ears. 

"You guys are both great at what you do," Cal points out. "Emma is just faster."

Carter nods, carefully taking his board back from the Devil. "I know, it's insane. I blink and there's another inch."

I snicker quietly. "That's what she said."

"Anyway," He shoots me a pointed look. "I better get back to Opal. See you tomorrow in gym Emma." 

I wave him goodbye, turning to Xavier in question as I feel his heated, observational gaze on me. 

"You have to idea how oblivious you are Emma." Cal shakes his head, I raise a eyebrow and keep my eyes locked onto blue ones.

Instead of explaining anything to me the Devil shakes his head, snapping his gaze to Jessamine as she squeals and starts to bounce in her seat. 

"You watch -She looks at -Ah!" She gushes incoherently. "You guys are just so, so...I can't. Would you date already? This is killing me."

I laugh at this, earning a glare from my best friend.

"I'm serious." Jessie pouts, grabbing my arm to drag me up and Xavier's hand off me. I pick up our bags, squeaking at the sudden weight on my wrist. 

"Dude," Calum says. "What are you doing right now? She's already yours. Actually make her yours instead of..." Xavier bites his lip, fists clenching at Cal's fading words as we throw our food away and Jessie waves them away -I'm sure they know we're going to go talk.

Talk about them to be specific. 

She drags me straight to my locker, opening it for me I watch in amusement as she begins to grab my books before realizing it isn't her own. Bumping her out of the way I laugh and switch out books, putting my gym bag away I catch Xavier's scent from his shirt still in my bag.

How- -out of all the smells- -do I pin point his?

"Emmeline-" 

"Ouch." I fake a wince. "That's a full first name. Mad Jessie?"

She glowers at me, crossing her arms. In turn I grin, knowing this conversation is about to stress me out.

"No I'm not." She protest. "You have nothing against dating. And you have nothing against dating him specifically." Jessie points out. "Why haven't you done anything. Won't he say yes?"

"I-I don't know." I stammer, suddenly nervous as I empty out most of my back pack. I have a free class, one movie along with only notes. I only need two books for homework and a couple folders -my back pack is so light now. "I really don't know."

"Well...what do you know?" Jessie asks slowly.

"I know that I like him, a lot. I know he makes me feel safe, that I've never feel safer then when I'm with him. I know he won't hurt me, when so many people hurt me. I know he's my mirror now." I drop my eyes, slightly ashamed I can't look in the mirror still. "I can look into his eyes and see my reflection and that's all I need. He's so warm. I trust him and I don't know why, but I do. I know he'll always ask if he can touch me and if I say no he'll stop. I know I won't say no, because he doesn't hurt me when he touches me. I didn't know it. Not, not before Aspen grabbed me how gentle his touch is. I know he barely has to try to be gentle to be, when all he is to others is rough."

Jessamine smiles at this. "Sounds a lot like love to me."

"L-love?" I say, eyes widening drastically. "I can't love him."

"Why not?" She raises her eyebrows, giving me a small look of disbelief. 

"We haven't even been on first name bases for two months yet. We aren't dating, I don't think he wants to date. I don't think I have anything to do with that either." I frown. "Love can't happen that fast, I don't think. It's just a really really strong like."

"It doesn't matter how long you know someone, love is love. It doesn't have a time frame or specifications. It's just there. Look at me and Angel, we have been dating for five days but we were friends long before. So we say I love you and we won't feel bad for it." Jessie shrugs. "Don't hold back what you can say today when you might not be able to say it tomorrow. You should know that."

I wince at the reminder, but try not to hold it against her. "Yeah but how do I know if I love him? That still sounds so weird to even be considering that. Love is slightly foreign to me. I love you, but we've been best friends for years. I don't tell Nolan I love him, or Carter, and we're friends."

"Well," She pauses to think about it. "Not all friends are like that, but you can joke about your love for them as friends but with the Devil that love is something completely different. I means something more, and if you loose that..."

"It wouldn't be pretty." I conclude, flinching at the thought as my heart tightens. 

"Yeah. What do you like about him anyway? He's the scariest guy I could imagine. To me, he's wild." My best friend winces, sending me a apologetic grimace that I wave off.

"He's feral." I agree. "But...shit, I don't know how to explain this." 

She just watches me, letting me take my time. As the bell rings I realize she plans to skip her gym hour and my free one. 

"I-I can't explain him. He's safe okay?" I throw my hands up. "Nothing about that, about him makes sense other than that because he's not supposed to be safe and he's not a gentle person. I like him so much and I'll always hug him or kiss him but he makes me want to fight him at the same time! He's so frustrating but so, so calming at the same time. He can take my fear away by looking at me."

"Sounds like love." She sings for the second time.

"How is that love?" I shout, planting my feet in the cement outside of the school parking lot.

"Describe him," Jessamine says instead of responding to me. 

I raise a eyebrow, making my hand level to my nose. "About yea high, black hair, blue -Ow!" I yelp, rubbing the spot on the side of my head she smacked me on. "Why?"

"Not his looks stupid, I have eyes. He's very good on the eyes," She grins. "I meant him in general."

I roll my eyes, raising my hand way above my head where Xavier would actually stand. "Okay so about yea high -Ow!" I squeal this time, bending at the knees as she grabs my pressure point on my shoulder. "Jessie let go." I yell, feeling tears pop into my eyes.

"What" Oh, sorry." She squeals, dropping her hold. "I spaced out, sorry. Angel and Devil are by his motorcycle." 

Twisting around with my heart pumping wild in anticipation, only to find a blank place next to where Xavier's motorcycle and Cal's car is. 

Instantly I'm glaring at her. "What the hell Jessie?" 

She snickers at me, covering her mouth. "You should have seen your face." 

"I'm going to leave if you don't say something useful. I don't get why we're even having this conversation. Me and him aren't talking about dating...we're just together." I say, frowning at my words. 

She sighs, shaking her head at me. We quickly walk back inside, having our class in the same corridor. I have the class with Cal and Xavier, where she has it with some of her friends. They sit together directly in front of me, thankfully I sit alone.

But I'm still frowning when the bell rings, signaling the start of my movie period.

Which is weird because I like me and him together, it's good for me.

So why the hell am I frowning.

Fuck.

It's because I want him to be my boyfriend.

I want to have that claim on him.

To be able to point to him and call him mine.

Double fuck.

And I still need a stronger word than that.