LORENZO ELRIC GARCHITORENA

SO, THIS is what loneliness feels like? I'm walking alone in the alleyway with the sea of strangers... as if I'm not used being alone in a public place.

I'm currently traversing along the covered overpass that connects the two malls. Well, I remember that this is also the place where Onemig and I met to buy supplies for our project in YoLO.

Kagagaling ko lang sa bahay ng isa kong classmate sa may Angeles para sa practice namin sa cheerdance competition. And I decided to drop by at NewPoint Mall para pumunta sa NBS. I need to buy stuff for our activity tomorrow before going home even it is against my will. Ako ba naman ang napag-utusan ng mga kagrupo ko para bumili para sa project namin?

Besides, dito na rin kasi ang sakayan pauwi sa amin.

Dusk is already approaching, lalo na at mga 5:00 PM na kami natapos sa aming practice. Huffing every now and then, I feel very exhausted from practicing some steps. Kanina pa nga sumasakit ang mga paa ko sa tagal naming nakatayo. I really need to sleep when I get home.

As I enter the book store, I was blinded by the radiant illumination coming from the lightings inside. Hunger also started to emerge together with fatigue that made my vision hazy. But good thing I still managed to maintain my composure while walking.

Ang nagustuhan ko rin ngayon ay kakaunti lang ang tao sa loob ng bookstore. Honestly speaking, I feel claustrophobic when there are horde of people are inside. At least, I feel relaxed while shopping without getting anxious and breathless.

After getting all of the essentials from my to-buy list, I directed to the aisle of books just near the cashier. Hindi ko rin alam pero iba ang feeling kapag nakakakita ako ng mga librong naka-display sa shelves.

I targeted my eyes onto shelves of different graphic novels and manga. Unlike the other branches where I usually hang out, this branch has only few varieties of them. Adjacent to mine, I passed through students who are feeling giddy while grabbing a copy from the shelves filled with Wattpad books. Most of them highlight the protagonist couples in their covers.

There are some books that are quite familiar to me. Madalas ko na ring nakikita ito na binabasa ng ilan kong mga kaklase. Pinag-uusapan pa nga nila ito habang hindi pa dumating ang professor namin para magturo. I also discovered that these books are already famous beforehand when they are posted on that online platform before they were published into books.

Nagawi ang atensiyon ko at lumapit sa isa sa shelves para tingnan ang ibang Wattpad books naka-display. Napaka-vibrant tingnan ng covers ng mga librong ito; the anime-ish illustrations were beautifully drawn that added certain charm. Pansin ko rin na hindi tulad ng ibang mga naka-display, kahit iba-iba ang kulay at covers ng mga librong nasa harapan ko, parang iisa lang ang design at layout nila--which is kinda weird--maybe it's for uniformity? Obviously, these books come from the same publisher.

I continued scanning along until a certain book caught my attention. Unlike the other books that are displayed under Romance genre, this one is quite different--it has some Fantasy elements based on the cover.

Napakunot ang noo ko habang binabasa ang blurb, and guess what? I started to contemplate my life choices after reaching it. I kinda relate myself to the main protagonist who happens to be a huge dork just like me. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko aakalaing mahu-hook ako nang ganito sa blurb ng isang libro.

But what scares me the most is what I bought this one, then I would get disappointed all along while reading it; would be just a waste of money then. Kung hindi kasi ako nagandahan sa binili kong libro habang binabasa, bibitiwan ko na lang ang pagbabasa ko at manghihinayang lang ako sa perang pinambayad ko. Pero sayang naman kung hindi ko kukunin at iyon na lang ang nag-iisang copy. Should I waste the opportunity?

I returned the book from the shelf but few moments later, I begin to contemplate again. Hey, the cover is really tempting me. But I must not judge the book by its cover; it may not justify its content. No, Lorenzo. Not this time, buddy. Spare your money from being disappointed.

Before I left to pay at the counter, I heaved a sigh and...

...grabbed the book once again with no hesitation. Okay, I already decided. Wala, eh. Nagpatukso na naman ako. I succumbed myself again into my fragility.

While holding the copy that I've been tormented to buy or not, I started to question myself, pero may isang bagay na nakatatak sa aking isip--wala nang urungan ito. Hay, hindi talaga ako dapat pumapasok sa lugar na ito; this place is filled with temptations that I cannot resist.

After checking all of the stuff I bought from the list, I already go to the cashier because I need to pay for these which I'm carrying with the red shopping basket. Ang nakaiirita lang din ay hindi man lang nagbigay ng contribution ang mga kagrupo ko, kaya ako ang mag-aabono para magbayad.

Pagkarating sa cashier, may isa nang nauna sa akin na nagbabayad. At na-realize ko na lang din na parang familiar ang figure ng babaeng nasa harap ko kahit nakatalikod pa siya. It seems that I've seen her before somewhere. I started to whistle while waiting for the lady to finish her transactions.

Pero pagkatapos niyang magbayad at umalis sa pila, doon ko nakita ang peripheral view ng kaniyang mukha. And that's when my heart starts to skip a beat. I suddenly realized why she's familiar to me.

We exchanged short glances while she's walking on the opposite direction and I begins to feel agitated. A few moments later, everything sinks in--I feel that reality slapped me.

I just realized that she's no other than Liana.

Compared from the last time I saw her (that was a year ago), her hair has been cut shorter, but she still has her fragile doll face. My mind started to ramble after seeing her again after a long time.

I also noticed that her reaction was quite blank but a little bit surprised. At least, mas okay na 'yong ganito kaysa noon.

She still haven't changed despite what happened in the past. But it's still haunting me until now.

"Sir, magbabayad pa po ba kayo?" My sanity was suddenly awakened when the staff from the cashier approached me.

Nalimutan ko tuloy na may binabayaran pala ako.

Pagkatapos magbayad at lumabas ng NBS at habang naglalakad sa may covered footbridge pabalik ng Nepo Mall, para tuloy akong nawawala sa sarili ko. Fatigued, hungry, and then Liana suddenly popped in, I don't know what is real already. What is happening to me?

Hindi ko na rin namalayang nagba-vibrate na pala ang cellphone kong nakalagay sa bag. Kaya binitiwan ko muna ang paper bag na nay laman ng mga pinamili ko, binaba rin ang bag ko, at binuksan para kunin ang cellphone kong nasa ilalim ng school uniform ko.

I opened my phone and I saw the caller ID who is calling--my mom.

Pinindot ko ang green icon na may telephone symbol para simulan na kausapin siya.

"Hello, 'nak, nasa Nepo ka pa ba?" she asked from the other line.

"Yes po," I answered with my usual groggy tone. Sa totoo lang ay para na akong zombie.

"Okay, just wait me here. Kalalabas lang ng kotse ko sa gate ng SSU."

Well, mukhang kailangan ko na siyang hintayin sa entrance ng mall para makasabay pauwi.

---

Sitting beside the driver's seat while my mom is driving, I can't help myself but to stare at the window while the car is moving. I'm having a senti feeling--like I'm in a music video while seeing the array of tall trees from the roadside. Even the sky is getting darker, the lush green leaves are still highlighting the view.

I still can't help myself but to think of Liana. Bakit ganito kalakas ang impact ng kung sino sa buhay ng isang tao?

Liana and I started to know each other when we were in junior high school. Classmates kasi kami noon; we were both in Section A.

"I'm Liana." she introduced herself while she is beside me. Katatapos lang kaming i-set ng aming adviser sa kaniya-kaniya naming seating arrangement. Kami ang ipinagtabi kasi magkakasunod ang apelyido namin--Garchitorena and Hernandez. She is the one who approached me first, actually.

We became closer as days passed by. Because she's too bubbly and approachable, I get along with her easily. Well, kahit sino naman sa mga classmate ko, madali siyang nakasundo. With an angelic face, it's like she's a cherub sent from the heavens above.

Our "rivalry" makes us also closer to each other. We always debate on everything that is petty.

"Pineapples do belong on pizza. It gives more depth and flavor to the dish. And let's admit, pineapple brings another dimension of fruitiness and sweetness aside from the other vegetable toppings." I am the one who started our topic.

Standing up from the marble tables outside our school building, we begin to have our debate im front of some of our classmates as spectators. I even fixed my glasses before speaking up. We finished eating our lunch that time.

"Well, how do you say so?" Liana rebutted back, and she continued, "It's a total disgrace to the Italians. These people know how to preserve the authenticity of pizza-making for eons. Then what? there are other people who will just adapt the recipe and will put different abominations into it."

"You cannot meld a fruit onto something authentic," I striked back again.

"Tomato is a fruit and a vital ingredient to pizza." Our classmates were just busy spectating us while we have our exchange volleys of arguments.

"A foreign fruit, rather!"

Academically, I admit that she aced a bit more than me. She's always on top of everything. Ganoon din, napaka-active niya sa ibang co-curricular activities. Siya 'yong laging tinatawag ng teachers para sumagot sa mahihirap na tanong or equations sa board. And my competitive spirit back then cannot settle.

We always have a deal every time we have our quizzes and exams. Kung sino ang may pinakamataas ang score sa amin ay siya ang manlilibre sa pinaka-mababa. But most of the time, walang libre na nangyari dahil tie kami ng score.

Pero noong isang time, sinamahan ko siya sa canteen para bumili ng snacks. Cards out noon at naiwan kaming top achievers.

"Libre na kita, Enzo, kahit ako ang top one." My younger self that time looked like a suprised Pikachu. I didn't expect that. Siyempre, pumayag naman ako--ganoon ako ka-fragile.

And by that time, that young lad suddenly felt that weird feeling for the first time in the history of mankind. Adrenaline? Rushing. Heart? Stammering. Face? Blushing.

I was unaware that my feelings for Liana sprouted like atomic bomb. That young Lorenzo surely cannot control that feeling that gradually grows from time to time. Well, sino ba namang hindi mahuhulog sa kaniya? She has great attributes that made young Lorenzo glitched.

Feeling complacent, I am confident that she will reciprocate my feelings. I am seeing the obvious that's why I'm expecting something from her.

Until I finally admitted my feelings for her. We were at the library that time and we're looking for books for our research to our Science project.

"Liana... I like you." I was frustrated as heck that time while she continued reading a book. In-absorb ko ang lahat ng lakas ng loob para sabihin iyon sa kanila.

But after saying those words, I noticed that her face frowned. Which is not good.

"I... I'm sorry, Lorenzo." My heart shattered into pieces after hearing those words from her. I feel the regret of telling my feelings from her. Sana pala, hindi ko na lang sinabi iyon sa kaniya.

"I can't reciprocate your feelings." My weak ass self would be crying for now and will start to question himself why.

Sadly, pagkatapos noong confession kong iyon sa kaniya, hindi na niya ako pinansin pa. We became strangers--no, less than a stranger. I became non-existent to her--just a wind passing through. And that occurred for the entire years of my junior high.

Hindi ko matanggap iyon noon. I feel like I've been left behind and it hurts like hell. There's no exact measurement--there's no threshold of pain that will tell what I feel.

Dumbfounded and crestfallen, I started to ask why. What have I done to ruin our friendship? Young Lorenzo will not accept that there's someone who rejected him, so he will find ways to return the favor to him.

"Please, Liana, notice me. Ano ba ang ginawa ko?" I did many ways to approach her, but she's also doing her ways to get rid of me. She cut her ties with me. Ano ang dahilan? Dahil ayaw ng papa niya na makipag-close siya sa mga lalaki. Umasa ako na magbabago at babalik ulit kami sa dati pero wala mang nangyari noon.

I kept chasing at her. Nagawa kong magpapansin sa kaniya pero ano lang ang nangyari? Mas lalo siyang nagalit sa akin at mas pinagtulakan pa ako palayo. I keep on pleasing at her but nothing happened--at mas lumala pa nga.

For four years, all I only got is pure disappointment and fatigue.Kahit noong graduation namin ng JHS ay wala mang nangyaring reconciliation. Gradually, I started to accept what reality is giving me. Sa time na ring iyon, doon ko lang na-realize na I can't please anyone. If you keep chasing after people, you will just get exhausted and disappointed for getting nothing. It would be just a total nonsense.

As the time passes by, I'm starting to get tired of dwelling into other people's lives. I don't want to waste my energy getting along with people. And it's totally fine to not give a single damn to all of them; they really don't care to yours either.

People will just come and go--so getting attached to them is just a waste of time.

My deep thinking was suddenly interrupted by Mom when the car stopped by at KFC along the way.

"'Nak, daan muna tayong drive-thru, ha?" she asked before going through the drive-thru lane from the establishment.

---

VCF got busier for the upcoming Sports Fest. Nagsimula na rin kasi ang training para sa bawat department na maglalaban-laban para sa competition. And I'm still bored to watch these kind of events. Mas gusto ko na lang na matulog kaysa manood. Dahil absent ang isa naming prof para sa nag-iisa naming subject sa araw na iti, my classmates decided to conduct our practice once again on Greenfields Square. Ano iyon, kare-regain lang ng fatigue ko mula kahapon, tapos may practice ulit?

Two weeks from now ay doon na ang competition namin for PE before the main cheerdance competition.

Good thing at may progess kahit papaano ang steps at nakasasabay naman ako kahit papaano. Even there are conflicts between most of my classmates, the flow becomes a bit smoother this time around. All they just have to do is to set aside their ego.

After practice, I decided to take a nap at the Students' Resources Center--a.k.a. my safe haven. Doon ako sa may tagong part malapit sa shelves natulog dahil may nag-iisang monobloc chair. Good thing that sleeping is allowed inside the premises. I usually nap with my glasses on.

"Uy, gising!" I was suddenly awakened when I feel that my body is shaking. Pagkabukas ng aking mata, bumungad sa akin sina Onemig at Malcolm; they're like a couple who are waiting for their baby to wake up.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty," Malcolm, the Pineapple Man greeted (his head looks like there's a patch of grass sprouted). He's one of our clubmates from YoLO that is from the College of Hospitality and Institutional Management.

"Ano ba? Can't you see, I'm sleeping." I almost shouted after I lift my head from my crossed arms on top of the desk. But I realized that I'm inside the library so I keep my voice low.

The two suddenly turned into petrified figures on after what I said. I become curious with their suspicious acts until Onemig said the truth.

"Uh... Lorezo, huwag kang magagalot, ah?" Napansin ko rin na nagpipigil na siya ng tawa.

"Muntikan mo nang bahain ang library." Onemig and Malcolm almost bursted into laughter when the librarian from the nearby desk suddenly ring the bell in order for us to be silent.

Kahit bugnot ang mukha, napatingin ako sa desk. And I saw a small puddle of saliva which made my face gushed. Gah! This is embarrassing! Napahawak pa nga ako sa ilalim ng lips ko at mayroon ding remnants ng laway na tumulo.

Dang, I hate it!

So, what I did is I smiled awkwardly and used my towel to wipe the mess I've done.

Natigilan din sina Onemig at Malcolm. But I won't forget what happened today. It's like a new core memory has been created (as Joy said from the movie Inside Out). It will remain for the eternity together with the long lists of terrible and embarrassing things I've done before.

"Ayaw mo ba kaming samahan sa table sa labas? Nandoon sina Cheena," pagyayaya nina Onemig sa akin. Then I raised my eyebrows. I want to be alone for now. But my other ego is granting my permission to go after these human beings, so I did the latter.

We signed first from one of the forms on the desk before going out the shelf area of the LRC.

At sa bandang dulong tables, bumungad si Cheena na mukhang busy sa kalalaro ng fast-food-simulation-something game. Basta, limot ko na ang title. Ito 'yong nagse-serve ng burgers. Mukhang absent ang iba dahil baka may klase pa sila.

"Nagugutom na ako, guys." Onemig suddenly rubbed his tummy from his all-black police-like uniform.

"Share mo lang?" Malcolm answered back, pero inirapan lang siya ni Mr. Criminology Student.

"Guys, ano, chibog tayo?" pagyayaya ni Onemig sa amin para lumabas ng LRC. I saw the time but it's still 1:30 PM.

"Puro ka pagkain," I answered while we were standing in front. "Kita mo, tumataba ka na." Like most of the time, I always see him eating or he's dragging us to buy food outside the campus.

"Excuse me, nagwo-work-out naman ako!" he rebutted back as he even flexed his toned "muscles". Yes, he's starting to gain weight a bit ever since. Okay, siya na... Siya na ang may magandang katawan.

"G!" Natigilan naman sa paglalaro si Cheena. "Libre mo, Lorenzo?" she asked. My brows suddenly furrowed on what she said.

"Wala akong pera, uy!" I denied. I'm so broke as heck right now.

"Deny pa, sus." Inakbayan naman ako ni Onemig. And this time, I didn't feel any awkwardness. Is it weird that I'm starting to get comfortable with them?

"Baka ikaw ang manlilibre," I grinned to Onemig. Baka siya pa nga itong mas galante sa amin.

It's really weird that I'm getting along with these guys ever since I joined YoLO. Mas napadadalas ang pagsama ko kina Onemig. I don't know but I feel their generosity when I'm with them; they've accepted me despite my eccentricities.

I feel the warmth when I'm with them. Dito 'yong kung saan ako hindi nagiging awkward at hindi pinararamdam sa akin ang awkwardness.

I guess I'm continuing to break my walls to them.

-30-