Haha god reading that last chapter was terrifying.

I ACTUALLY SENT THAT EMAIL.

WAS I  D E R A N G E D?

Alright Ima try and forget about that now because i am legitimately horrified.

No wonder I don't do well with horror movies.  My life is one, I don't need to see another!

I realise i haven't updated this in a while because I've just been doing a lot of pretending, but I realise this is a good place to put my thoughts and feelings.

I'm afraid of the darker parts of myself, but i just need to take a second and process them.

Sooo, Im a Junior now! Woohoo! The year of crippling depression and loss of all hope!

It's been kind of a slog, and im not even quite halfway through.

We're really low on staff but students keep coming because they keep building more houses but not another high school, goddammit.

Starting off i had Social Justice with He Who Must Not Be Named Because Ohmygod What If There's A Student From My School On Wattpad And They Read This.  It was a fun class, I mean as fun as a social justice class can be.  At the end it kinda started to drag on though, we were starting projects 2 days after finishing one.  I was like you've gotten me to the point where i actually want to take a test WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME. 

*takes a break writing as my grandpa calls to ask for Christmas Crackers but cant remember the word for them so he desperately tries to explain them*

But i finished his class with an A and bugged him to let me make up the 5 points i missed on the final. :D

The class was admittedly hard in the sense I was always really hard on myself and it was just hard to do a worksheet or write an essay or do a project knowing he would see it and it all had to be perfect (in my mind) so as not to dissapoint him.  Like sometimes my anxiety just got so bad I would just freeze up and not be able to get anything done.

My friend bugged me until I talked to him about it so I could actually get work done.  He listened patiently and gave some pretty good advice.  Although, when he asked me where the anxiety stemmed from, I told him stress, which wasn't the full truth but at least it was half.  I just didn't want him to know it had anything to do with him or what happened last year.  I want him to believe that we're ok, so he doesn't have to worry about that anymore.  It's behind us, or at least, behind him.

I could tell he was making an effort to repair the damage done to our relationship though.  He'll always playfully mess around with the students during class, pranking them or just joking around.  He made sure to that with me just as much as the other kids.  (Sometimes I felt like I was being targeted, so maybe more so than the other kids- 😂)

This was I guess his own way of telling me that it was all ok and we were ok, without directly saying it.

Now I'm not in his class, but I'm still stuck in Algebra 2, which I'm pretty sure was invented by Satan himself.

Our dynamic is strange now.  Most of the time he ignores me unless I start an interaction with him.  He doesn't seem to mind talking with me, but I am definitely picking up a little awkwardness from him, which comes out in weird awkward jokes which I can never tell whether they're just him being himself or him making an extra effort to make our interactions seem normal and relaxed but in doing so achieves sort of the opposite.
If it's the latter, then S A M E.

Most of the time I don't start interactions with him, because im kind of terrified to do anything more than just stare at him occasionally. (Which is creepy but in my defense I spend a lot of my time people watching, which makes for some interesting stories because let's face it people are weird.  But, I do admittedly pay more attention to some rather than others...)

But when I do usually have interactions with him they're quite short.  For example yesterday I asked him if he wanted a cupcake and he asked me if I had offered him cocaine AS HE REACHED DOWN TO TAKE A CUPCAKE. (See what I mean about the awkward jokes???)

But, also, I came to confide in him about my crippling depression.  (Thank you junior year screw you.)

I don't think I would have done it if it weren't for my friend bugging me to do what would be best for me which like why would I do that if I hate myself lmao.  Anyway, I just started by emailing him giving a brief overview of my situation and telling him I didn't really have anyone else to go to because I didn't feel comfortable going to my parents, and I didn't really feel comfortable going to the newly hired therapist who is like even more awkward than me. (Crazy right??)

He understood and I came to his room the next day and he guided me through the conversation and was very patient and kind and understanding of my situation.  His final piece of advice was to go see a pyschicatrist, which is kind of obvious but it was just nice to have someone listen and understand, and now I have a doctor's appointment on the 27th of this month, woohoo!

Time to start dealing with my mental health in some way other than self deprecating jokes, imagine that.

I also confided in him when my ex who I'm still friends with was harassing me (not in like a sexual way but they were still making me extremely uncomfortable) and he gave me some advice on what do, and offered to step in if needed, which it wasn't because I took his first piece of advice and the problem was solved.  (Once my ex realized what they were doing was bothering me they stopped, sometimes people don't realize what they're doing so it's always best to talk it out as a first step.)

After that, I stopped confiding in him because I thought it was best.

After what happened Sophomore year, I no longer trust my own judgment on what is wrong and what is right.

I have been overcome with a terrible paranoia that all of the adults in the building are watching me, waiting for me to step out of line again.

I feel as if their eyes are boring into my back even as i just step into my algebra teacher's room for help.  Which sucks because I need his help like all the time.

It's debilitating.

I'm terrified to be in the hallway after school gets out without a friend beside me as i feel like I'm doing something wrong.

It wasnt even that bad before but it doubled tenfold after that time after school when I had left my social justice notebook in his classroom and I went up to the front desk to ask for his room key so I could get it, and the ladies at the desk both shared this look of knowing before turning to me and telling me that I had to be walked down there.  It wasn't said but I knew why. 

They knew.

They were expecting me to leave another goddamn love letter in there.

I have broken their trust.  I have broken everyone's trust, including my own.

I am no longer the good kid.

And i hate that.

I don't think you understand how much i hate that.

Nobody pays attention to the good kid, and that's just how i like it.

Once you do something wrong, more wrong is expected of you.

And now everyday i have to desperately prove to them that they're wrong.  That there's no need to expect bad from me because i will never ever do anything like that again.  I cannot even give them one tiny piece of evidence to believe otherwise.

But that's just the problem.

I don't know what could be evidence.

I don't know what they're looking for, i don't know what he's looking for.

I don't trust myself to judge that anymore, but it's not like anyone can help me figure that out.

"Just as long as you know your boundaries."

I don't, oh God, and I don't trust myself to figure them out.

And I've attempted to read him, to try and pick up signals from him to tell what's wrong and what's acceptable, but trying to read him is comparable to trying to read a brick wall.

No signals.  No verbal, no facial, no body language.

Maybe I'm just bad at reading people, but the fact I know hell never give me any verbal signals makes it so frustrating.

My friend insists that if I talk to him it'll clear things out.

But it's been so long since we've had that talk sophomore year.

"I'm over it."

Maybe that wasn't the whole truth.

No.

It wasn't.

I wasn't telling the whole truth when I said I was over him, because that's more general then saying "I don't have romantic or sensual feelings for you anymore."

Im still emotionally attached, I just didn't want him to know, because I wanted it to not be his problem anymore.

I wanted him to not have to deal with me anymore.

But talking to him to clear things up?

That would let him know it's still a problem.

I'm still thinking about it.

It doesn't matter that the feelings are no longer romantic, it's still a problem that i have this strong attachment.

This almost obsession.

It would break the illusion I've tried so hard to keep.

My friend insists it'll help, that it's what's best for me.

So once again I end this chapter with a question.

Is it what's best for me?

Is it what's best in general?

Should i really take my friend's advice?