Illumi is not happy to see him, Hisoka instantly realizes. Walking into the hotel room is the first mistake.

"What are you doing here?" Illumi snaps, shutting his sketchbook from where he sits on the couch.

"Sorry?" Hisoka asks softly. "I thought you'd like to see me. We've been so busy recently-"

"I'm still busy," Illumi interrupts, Machi walking into the room to take a spot on the couch, mumbling a hello to Hisoka. Hisoka, however, is focused on Illumi's tense body. Maybe he's stressed about whatever he's working on.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Hisoka offers, walking over and taking Illumi's hands. The usually clingy man pulls away and takes a few steps back.

"You can leave," he says quickly. The blow that hits Hisoka is worse than being punched. Illumi falters for a moment, like he can see that it hurt Hisoka before biting his lip. "I just need to work, okay, you're a distraction."

Hisoka lifts his chin a little, trying not to act like what Illumi added didn't just make things worse. "Fine." He walks out quickly, his chest hurting. Not as much as when Illumi first rejected him, but a considerable amount. It made it worse that Hisoka had planned to ask Illumi if he wanted to live with him... Hisoka is a fool to think Illumi would want that.

Hisoka looks at his bright yellow car... He is not good enough for Illumi. Illumi would want a black car, a modern house with an indoor pool because he is prestigious like that. Illumi would want a man who didn't have a past like Hisoka, a man who is mentally stronger, a man who knew exactly what to do and when for him. Hisoka just wants to be enough for Illumi, but he knows he never will be.

He angrily tsks and gets into his car, speeding back home. Maybe he and Gon could go out for a bit, just to hang out together... Get his mind off Illumi. Plus, they hadn't hung out together in a while. Hisoka waits outside the apartment in his car, calling Gon.

"Yeah?" Gon answers.

"Come out, let's go do something," Hisoka replies, tapping the steering wheel impatiently with his free hand. He narrows his eyes when the kid hangs up, coming out of the apartment a few moments later, no Killua at his side. Certainly something different for Gon.

"Where are we going?" Gon asks as he slides into the car, Hisoka driving off as soon as he's inside.

"Suggest something," Hisoka responds.

"Bowling?"

Hisoka doesn't question it, driving to the dingy bowling alley. He hadn't been here in a long time... When Hisoka parks the two get out, sharing a knowing smile. Last time they went here together was a good time, despite the run down place. They walk in, getting a lane and slipping on the gross overused bowling shoes.

"Last time I think I won," Gon smirks, picking up a ball.

"Ha, ha," Hisoka snorts, watching as Gon's ball rolls aggressively down the lane. They both knew last time Gon won, only because Hisoka got distracted. It's not fair when a gay man goes bowling and isn't aware he's gay and then a really hot man pulls up his shirt. Hisoka grimaces, remembering the awkward ball throw after being flustered. He can't imagine what would have happened if Illumi were the one pulling up his shirt...

His face flushes again and Gon gives him a curious gaze.

"What're you thinking about?" Gon muses.

"Nothing..." Hisoka walks up and takes his turn. "Where's Killua today?"

"Killua... And I are kinda fighting..."

"How do you 'kinda' fight?"

"Well, we aren't really fighting... I just get really sad when I see him because I know he has to leave..."

Hisoka watches the last of the pins go down on his second throw. "I suggest you drink up every moment you possibly can with him then, try not to think about them leaving."

Gon stands. "Then why aren't you and Illumi doing the same?" He hums as he slides into his turn.

***

Their game is light-hearted after that. Both wanting to avoid their soulmates leaving them. Both thinking of any way they could make them stay. Chrollo had it easier, Machi's only family was the Zoldycks, and she was only really close to Illumi and Killua. But it isn't fair to ask Illumi and Killua to stay.

They had a family.

Hisoka chokes up a little, remembering there is no one for him to bring Illumi home to. No mother to show Illumi off to, no father to give him advice... Hisoka had to figure everything out on his own. Sure he had Gon, and Kurapika and Leorio. But they were not parents, not even close.

Speaking of which...

Gon had already disappeared, deciding to hang out with Killua after Hisoka's words. Hisoka glances at his cell phone before caving and calling Kurapika. The phone rings twice and Hisoka finds himself anxious, about to hang up when Kurapika's hello comes through the line.

Hisoka chews his bottom lip before starting. "Hello," he hums. Hisoka sits on his couch and allows himself to calm down, allowing his cool composure to take over. No need to get all riled up because he's asking for... advice. Oh god, that sounds horrible. He's never really asked for advice, sure people have given it to him, but he doesn't ask people. This is so below his standard.

"Hisoka? Hey? Say something?" Kurapika says frustratedly over the line.

"How do I get Illumi to stay?" Hisoka blurts out, needing to get it out before he decided against it. Kurapika falls silent for a moment before sighing.

"Why don't we meet up for coffee?" Pika suggests softly.

"Yeah... Maybe that's a good idea," Hisoka mutters, realizing this conversation could be difficult over the phone. Kurapika and he agree on a time tomorrow and Hisoka sighs, heading to bed to sleep off his worries.

Hisoka is late, as he usually is, to where they were meeting. He finds Kurapika with two coffees, one made for Hisoka, the other for Pika. Hisoka sits across from him and sips the coffee left for him.

Kurapika watches him before sighing softly. "What's going on with you and Illumi?"

"Everything," Hisoka snorts, leaning back delicately in his chair, causing gazes to turn to him. He had always been used to the attention, so he hardly notices. Kurapika, however, shifts uncomfortably.

"Have you gotten more famous or something?" Pika muses slightly, Hisoka offering a sly smile in response. "Anyways, have you asked Illumi to stay?"

"Uh... No..." Hisoka responds slowly.

"Hisoka," Kurapika scolds. "That's half your problem."

"I can't just ask him... He just got mad at me yesterday for going to his place. He's been distant lately, and I get it, he's busy. But... I feel like he really doesn't want me." Hisoka sighs frustratedly. He taps his nails on the coffee table, remembering he needs to bring Illumi with him sometime when he gets them done.

Illumi doesn't like him... Why does he always think of Illumi? His thoughts always end up back at Illumi's big, dark, swirling eyes. Illumi's soft, silky hair, his little waist, stronger than he looked. Speaking his mind, even in inappropriate situations. The little smile he sometimes gave when talking about Killua, or the rare laugh that only Hisoka could make him do.

"Hisoka?" Kurapika pulls him from his thoughts. "What makes you think Illumi doesn't want you?"

Hisoka frowns at Pika. "There's plenty of reasons." Reasons Hisoka rather not share with Kurapika or anyone for that matter. Kurapika nods slowly, seeming to understand.

"Hisoka, I really think you and Illumi need to talk. You both seem to be needlessly reserved around each other. You just need to ask Illumi to stay, and if for whatever reason he says no, talk about it. You both need to stop pushing each other away."

Hisoka doesn't like the advice, but deep down, he feels like he knew about it all along. Not only that, he is annoyed that he had to ask for advice. So unlike him... He sips his coffee again, he doesn't want to ask Illumi because he is scared. He frowns, he doesn't get scared either. But he is... He is scared of Illumi saying no, he is scared to lose Illumi.

"Do you want to come visit Leorio and I? Leorio isn't quite the chef you are, but he makes some good meals. Come for lunch, it'll get you away from your place for a bit." Kurapika offers after allowing Hisoka some silence for his internal conflict.

"Sure," Hisoka nods, standing up. "Let's go."

Hisoka drives off to Pika's house. He and Leorio lived in a house within a small neighbourhood close to their university. It happened to be on the other side of the city from Hisoka, but he didn't mind coming for the occasional visit. Especially since Kurapika tended to have the wisdom of an old man... Ha, and Pika was younger than he was.

He walks into the house and watches as Leorio and Kurapika greet each other with a kiss. Maybe he'll have that someday... Illumi is clingy, but recently he's been distant and snappy, even before Hisoka had walked in on him yesterday. Maybe he had found out about Hisoka's past... Oh god, what if he really knows who he is? And now Illumi hates him.

"Hisoka, get out of your head, let's eat lunch," Kurapika hits his arm gently and leads him to the kitchen.

"Right, sorry," Hisoka slips into a chair, taking the food graciously. Leorio is a half decent cook, Pika is right there. No one else's cooking really compared to Hisoka's in their friend group, but Leorio would definitely be second.

Kurapika struck up conversation, talking about summer plans with Leorio. Hisoka listens intently, curious as to what the two were up to.

"And we're hoping to go overseas to Spain-"

"Italy," Leorio interrupts.

"We agreed on Spain," Kurapika responds curtly.

"Hm, I don't recall, I believe we agreed on Italy," there is a smile on Leorio's face, whereas Kurapika looks annoyed.

"Leorio," Pika huffs. "Spain!"

Leorio leans over and pecks Pika's cheek, and Kurapika instantly softens. "We'll agree on it later, maybe we go to both," Leorio says softly and just like that, Kurapika resumes talking about the plans.

Something in the interaction made Hisoka jealous. It was like watching himself and Illumi. Illumi being the stubborn Kurapika and Hisoka being the playful Leorio... Oh disgusting that he compares himself to that. But he still saw it. Except Hisoka couldn't get Illumi to just... Relax like that.

Hisoka stays at their place for a while, catching up on things together. The time is well spent when he realizes how distant he has been from them recently. It is nice to spend time with the two, they bicker like an old married couple. They are practically an old married couple at this point. The two are so obviously made for each other... Why can he and Illumi be like that?

When Hisoka heads home, the only thing on his mind is Illumi.

Even after he sits in his room, getting drunk to forget, Illumi is forever there. His beautiful person stuck in his mind, a man he can never forget.