Machi hadn't gone back to the hotel room since the incident. Instead, she slept on the couch and ate tubs of ice cream angrily. Chrollo had been messaging and calling her for the past few days but she didn't pick up a single one. Hisoka sighs as he watches her turn down another call.

Illumi hadn't reached out to Hisoka at all. For some reason, that hurt him even more. His showcase is tomorrow and he had an underlying feeling Illumi wouldn't be there. Not only that, he feel like he can't dance. How can he when all he feels is pain. His nerves for the showcase mixed with the pain and numbness... He hadn't eaten or hardly slept the past few days. He can't bring himself to really do anything.

Gon occasionally brought home some snacks he tried to make Machi and Hisoka eat but both needed to work their way out of their sadness. Killua seems frustrated by the whole ordeal too. Gon mentioned Illumi wasn't talking to Killua.

What Hisoka thought may have been his family...

A mess.

"Your showcase is tomorrow," Machi sniffles, showing she has been crying again. "You should probably try to sleep."

"Mmm," Hisoka hums, sitting next to her. "I don't know if I can."

"You're in a worse state than me Hisoka. Eat something and then rest up, tomorrow is important," Machi scolds. "Tomorrow you could really be scouted for something huge. People already want you, now they're going to want you more."

Hisoka looks over her. "There's only one person who I want to want me, and he doesn't."

Machi sighs and her phone rings again, Chrollo.

"He put two and two together a little late," Machi mutters, watching it ring.

Hisoka kisses her forehead and walks to his room, getting ready for bed but never actually sleeping.

***

Hisoka's makeup was done to perfection, not a hair out of place. He looks at the other dancers, everyone buzzing around, wanting to be on stage. Hisoka is also itching to dance. But not for the same reasons as the others. Hisoka wants to dance just to dance. To feel the rhythm deep within him and let all his feelings out.

He had the opening dance with his ballet class and the closing dance with his solo, his solo merged out of another group. Hisoka is ready to go. Ready to feel the thrum. He slips on his ballet shoes and then finds his partner.

The crowd means nothing to him while he walks on stage. Their silence welcomed. He doesn't look into the crowd, knowing full well he'd be disappointed. Illumi won't be here to watch. Killua, Machi, and Gon were, however, and he could not be happier for their support. Even Kurapika and Leorio were here, coming to see him before he has disappeared backstage. But the one he wants to be performing for... He isn't here.

Hisoka begins the ballet, the feeling of the music overwhelming him, allowing him to forget everything else. He performs, perfectly, so perfectly everyone's attention constantly went back to him. Not that he notices, he's just dancing out all his emotions.

He walks off stage and changes quickly into his next costume. He feels suffocated by it, despite it being flowy material, it's not made by Illumi and that's all he could think about. Illumi... This isn't Illumi's work on him.

"Hisoka? Hey breathe, you're doing great, here," a classmate says, shoving water into his hand. Hisoka sips it and the classmate is gone before he's even done. Everyone backstage is too busy to really pay his panicked form any mind.

"You're on again, let's go," the professor urges Hisoka and he gets in line with the next set of dancers.

Once again, he performs all too perfectly. Two more outfit changes and the showcase is done for him... He can do it. He will do it. He changes again and goes out to dance. Pulling everyone's gazes.

He runs offstage, only given moments to change. However, the outfit he changes into isn't the costume that had been originally prepared for him. Not that he has any time to look at what he's putting on since he has to go back on for his solo- now! Hisoka slips on the last piece with the help of another classmate and runs out. Finishing the hip hop dance and merging into his solo.

Then the stage is his.

Everything suddenly feels so right. His form feels so perfect, the rhythm coursing in his veins and this costume--he knew as he began to dance, this is Illumi's work. Hisoka gave the crowd one of the most dazzling performances he has ever done. If Illumi got the costume to him, maybe, just maybe, he's in the crowd. Maybe he's watching right now. Maybe he can make Illumi want him with this dance.

Hisoka gives his all and more. Wanting Illumi to see. Why does he still want Illumi so bad? He can't explain... But he isn't mad at Illumi, just upset. Unbearably upset. But no, he still wants Illumi. Even after that betrayal. He just wants Illumi to want him.

Hisoka's chest heaves as he finishes and then he quickly scans the crowd, again and again. Illumi has to be here. Please let him be here. Hisoka catches glimpse of the unforgettable silky black hair leaving and his heart sinks all over again.

The dance must not have been enough.

Despite the standing ovation, Hisoka feels ripped apart. He gives his best smile to the crowd, bowing with his classes, and then on his own. His heart felt like it shattered. The numbness engulfing him.

He isn't enough. He isn't good enough. He never was. Not for Illumi.

Officials came to him, handing him business card after business card, Hisoka took them all, acting on his best behaviour despite how he feels. When the important people are through, Gon hugs him tightly.

"Hisoka you were brilliant!" Gon smiles.

"From all of us," Machi adds, handing him a bouquet of flowers. Hisoka allows himself the moment of pride and happiness. His family, yes, his true family, is here to support him. Leorio drives them back to his apartment where Hisoka finally takes the time to look at the costume Illumi had made.

It's... It's more perfect than all the others. If that's even possible.

Turquoises and nice cream colours made the piece. It fit in all the right places and it made Hisoka look like more than he is. Hisoka looks like... He looks like more than just a god. No wonder everyone wanted to give him their cards, no matter how he danced, they probably would want him for the way he looked.

Hisoka is hesitant to change, being gentle with the costume. He pulls on some other clothes and goes to celebrate with the others. Celebrating his performance while inside, Hisoka feels as though the world is closing in on him.