Gon's eyes are trained on Hisoka, much to Hisoka's dismay. Gon had been questioning him for the past half hour about Illumi. It was not a good time. Gon had no sense of logic, everything he said goes. So trying to explain why Hisoka and Illumi weren't really together is difficult. Very difficult. Gon just kept pressing, Hisoka is determined to keep his cool.

Finally, Killua interrupts, walking into the house and pulling Gon off with him. Thank goodness. This one time, he is hardly angry with the kid for pulling Gon away. Such a stubborn boy. Hisoka gets ready for class, the last class before the showcase. The class had a more intense practice than rehearsal, everyone's adrenaline high, excited. The showcase only days away. Hisoka had the ballet dance, a dance with the hip hop class, one with the contemporary, and a solo. Although ballet was the class he was going into the showcase with, due to his professors telling him it was his best choice, hip hop and contemporary both wanted him and how could he say no? But the stress was starting to build on him. Even with his flawless dancing, he had to memorize so much choreo... He's Hisoka, he can do it.

He stays the rest of the day at school in his favourite room. Practicing and practicing, something he rarely did for performances. This one, however, he isn't sure why it feels so different. Maybe because so many scouts were here... But that doesn't make sense. Hisoka looks at his sweaty, tired, yet still perfect, poise in the mirror. He wouldn't let himself be anything but perfect. This showcase was his. To show off him. Of course, he knew it was for the school, but each student thought the same. This is the time to shine as a dance student. Your chance to show the best dancers in the world their upcoming competition.

Hisoka needed to shine more than ever before. A smirk plays onto his lips, looking at himself in the mirror. What a wonderful challenge.

When he leaves the studio, he's weak at the knees from the hours of practice. His body will hate him tomorrow... Whatever, the practice was needed. However, his legs carry him to the hotel. He wanted to tell Illumi how stressed he is. He wants Illumi to comfort him... His legs carry him to the hotel while his mind tells him to turn around. Illumi wouldn't care. Illumi won't want to comfort Hisoka or hear about his problems. He has no reason to listen either. But Hisoka wants Illumi to hug him, tell him his performance will be perfect no matter what.

Why? Why did Hisoka suddenly want that from Illumi? He could tell Gon... No, he didn't feel comfortable telling Gon. Or anyone. Besides Illumi. Illumi is the only one he trusts with his hardship. The only one he's willing to tell. The only one he wants to tell and have comfort from.

His soulmate.

Hisoka walks straight into the hotel room and the scene in front of him makes his heart sink. Chrollo has Illumi pressed against the wall, kissing Illumi. Hisoka shuts the door all too quickly. His heart feels as though it's stopped yet going a million miles a minute. Every muscle inside him hurts, every motion as his body runs from the scene.

He feels as though he walked in on a crime scene, a murder. Yes... The murder of his soul. He thinks his name was called behind him, he thinks maybe he passed Machi on the way out, he thinks he may have knocked over a woman on his mad dash. But he couldn't be sure. Everything is a blur until he gets to his apartment, safely in his room, where the rest of the world couldn't see him.
Dropping his bag, he walks into the bathroom, turning the water way too hot, hoping he would feel it as his body has gone numb. He sits on the ground of his bathtub, still fully clothed as the water beat down on him. Trying to feel anything other than this pain. This pain eating away at his chest.

Suddenly tears were streaming down his cheeks. He could only feel the pain though, the scene replaying over and over in his mind. Why would Illumi...?

Hisoka has no idea how long he's under the burning water, but long enough for Gon to come knocking on the door telling him he's taking too long a shower with another smaller, 'are you okay' following the scolding.

"Fine, Gon," Hisoka manages out, turning off the water. "Just thinking."

Numbness was all Hisoka felt, the pain there still, but muted. Cold and numb. The only thing he could describe how his body felt. When he peels off his wet clothes, however, his back is bright red from the too hot water. But he hardly pays mind, walking back out into his room and falling onto his bed, letting himself fall asleep.

***

"Hisoka? You can't stay in bed all day," Gon says on the other side of Hisoka's bedroom door. "What's gotten into you? Killua says Machi is gonna come drag you out."

Hisoka had no motivation to leave his bed after he woke up. Gon had already gone and come back from school. He heard Killua and Gon play video games for a while before Gon came to talk to him. His phone had rung many times over the course of the day, he never answered. Nor did he answer any texts. Or even pick up his phone.

"Okay well, Machi is coming over. And she isn't going to be as nice as I am," Gon sighs and Hisoka listens as he walks away. Hisoka had been stuck in his head all day, replaying every moment with Illumi in his head.

What had he done wrong? He had been trying and trying to redeem himself, he gave everything to Illumi. So why did Illumi do that? What is wrong with Hisoka? Maybe Illumi found out about his past, saw what a disgusting human he was...

For the first time since crashing last night, Hisoka stands up, pulling on sweats and grabbing his deck of cards. Shuffling and shuffling to let his hands do something will his thoughts ran wild.
Everything kept coming back to his big ego covering his gross past. Something along there turned Illumi away. Illumi simply had been using him, not wanting a soulmate from the beginning.

Machi storms into his room without warning, looking like shit, to say the least.

"I thought you would have had alcohol," she mutters, sitting next to him after shutting the door behind her.

"I thought you came here to yell at me," Hisoka's voice croaks a little since he hadn't spoken in a little bit and had been crying on and off all day.

"No, I'm here to cry with you," Machi mutters, leaning her head on Hisoka's shoulder. "I asked what happened... Illumi said Chrollo kissed him and I ran out too."

"Why?" Hisoka stops shuffling, suddenly something other than pain sparking inside him for a second.

"Chrollo is my soulmate," she spread her hands in front of them. "And he's too fucking blind to see it."

Hisoka drank in the information. So they both were played by their soulmates.

"Where did you stay last night?" Hisoka frowns.

"You apartment lobby," she mutters. "I saw Chrollo's tattoos, he never saw mine or knows I saw his. So I figured he'd come 'round, y'know? Soulmates are meant for each other, so I figured in time, he'd fall for me... But he only ever had eyes for Illumi."

"Shit Machi, I'm sorry."

"Can we go out tonight and get really, really, really drunk?"

"That sounds lovely."

The two got dressed and ready as though nothing was wrong. Wearing clothes meant to impress, makeup meant to make others jealous, and egos to make people want more. Both of them really feeling the cold, the numbness inside, the pain. Not that either let it show as they went to the club. Dancing up on anyone willing, drinking more than allowed, and trying to not give a care in the world.

Hisoka and Machi are both a mess by the end of the night. Somehow, Hisoka had gotten them home, however, back to his apartment where their drunk selves wake up Gon and Killua all too easily. They stumble around, laughing too much, speaking too loud.

"What the hell?" Killua looks at them and Machi throws her arms around him.

"Hey, lil' buddy..." She trails off, giggling away.

Hisoka tries leaning on the couch but falls, causing Machi and him to laugh. Neither of them are in the right mind before they went drinking, now they were just...

"Let's get them to bed..." Gon says and somehow the two boys managed to get Machi and Hisoka drinking water and curled up together on the couch. Leaving them there to fend for themselves after they refused to stop making fun of Gon and Killua. Not that they would ever do this any other time, but at the moment, they both understood where the other was. The pain the other felt.

"I'm so sorry... You basically got rejected by Illumi twice... I can't imagine..." Machi whispers suddenly, as though she had sobered up in seconds. Hisoka tightens his grip around her and doesn't respond at first, his brain unable to process.

"Maybe we should just elope," Hisoka suggests, running a hand through her hair.

"Yeah," Machi giggles. "Great idea. Too bad we're too emotionally attached to those boys to ever truly be able to run away from them."

Hisoka looks at her, her eyes trained up on him, her pain as clear to him in her eyes as his own pain felt to him. "You have a point."

"Oh trust me, I know how it is. You get so used to their every movement, their expressions, their laugh, the way they look at something they enjoy, the way their voice wavers when they don't know... the way he smiles, the way he touches you as though you're one of the most beautiful art pieces in the world yet he has eyes on another..."

"The way he asks for something he knows you don't wanna do, the way he teases you, the way he's so childish yet mature at the same time."

The two of them look at each other again and Machi holds Hisoka's hand, squeezing as he watches her start to cry.

"I never want to talk to either of them again," she whispers.

"Sounds like a plan to me."