I had followed Masud to the forest and waited behind a tree as a shrill whisper cut through the woods. Seconds later a mass of blond hair emerged from atop a branch. They weren't aware I was here. I had figured out their meeting times by spying at Masud from my bedroom window and I had a proposal to give.

2 pm, Masud was tending the garden not quite tenderly I had noted down. It's like he was fighting with the soil.
2:45 pm, Masud takes out his pocket watch that seemed non existent until he sneakily snuck it out, looked at it and casually looked around his environment after.
2:50 pm, Masud decides to take out a load of 'trash' through the backdoor to throw into the river. Trash was just a big bag of soil that he dug out angrily from the garden when he tends to it.
2:55 pm, Masud is nowhere to be seen.
3:15 pm Masud casually walks back in the house with an empty bag. No one notices that he was gone for 20 minutes.

So here I was, I shall not call myself a spy because if any one took interest in Masud's activities it'd be simple to know that he wasn't taking out the trash but attending to some other endeavours that lasted a considerably great amount of time compared to taking out the trash. What he was doing was risky and I had an inkling feeling that he'd be caught soon.

"Masudyy!"

"Don't call me that!" A deep chuckle from the one person who has managed to make me genuinely happy these few days. I smile a little, he didn't seem like they were capable of anything evil.

"Sorry Masudy, anyways how is the operation going?"

"Operation!?" The question hang in the air for an eery minute before Masud or Masudy breathed in and through the big mass of leaves I was hiding behind saw his hand go up to his face. He drags it down in frustration and throws a dirty look at Paul after he is done torturing his face muscles.

"You didn't take the keys from your dad! How else do you expect for the operation to go on if you haven't done the one thing this operation really needed!?"

"I'm sorry," Paul's head drops to the ground and after a hesitant few seconds Masudy places his hand on his shoulder and gives it a small reassuring nudge.

"It's okay it's just not very appealing to know that every day we delay more people are dead," death? This thing my dad was involved in involved death!? People dying? For a moment my vision blurred and I had to slip down towards the moist ground to actually let the words soak thoroughly into my brain. It lay there lightly, it's heaviness not wanting to be comprehended by my small brain. 

Life, life, life. I close my eyes and re open them to the view of branches twirling in the drained blue sky. Even the day sky here looked sad, maybe it was all those deaths they were talking about that caused this place to be so... so un-lively.

"Maybe we should use her," my hearing snaps back to alert when I hear that sentence.

"No, she is too good, too innocent."

"That's exactly why we should use her, no one would suspect her!" Paul wanted to use me? But for what?

"It's too dangerous and she sees the world in these coloured specks. I don't want us to be the reason she loses that vision," coloured specks? I scoff, my life felt as etiolated like this country itself.

"I know but she is our only hope, she isn't evil like them," This time Masud snorts.

"Them? You are them too."

"It's just a uniform."

"You partake in the killings every day by wearing that uniform and being ordered around by your dad!"

Teeth grinding loudly, "I'm not like them, and I'm only wearing this because you need me! You need me to know their dirty secrets and their next moves so don't fucking forget that and don't fucking categorise me with them," and just like that the mass of blonde hair vanishes leaving Masud breathing madly like a psychopath.

I decide it'd be appropriate to make my appearance because there is absolutely no way that I'll just sit around knowing I could have saved people from murderers, and I did not like Masud making decisions for me and treating me like a preppy girl. I also wanted to know about all these secrets being kept from me, what was the organisation, why was my dad apart of it and why and who is being killed? I was tired of being treated like a kid and hidden from all these secrets that were weighing me down just like mourning mom was. I was tired.

"Masudy, I like it," I lean on a tree and flick away some dust from my coat. Masud jumps in a self defence form ready to fight the intruder that startled him. Left leg bent in front of him, right leg tugged straight behind him and his hands in front of his chest and ready to aim. I took in the form, it was a very weak one.

"Your reaction time is nice but your form..." I circle around him, he watches me slowly but doesn't move, still in the same form. I quickly hook my leg beneath his right leg and pull, he stumbles forward, "...it's weak. You see if I had a gun all your reaction time and your poor form would be useless. I assume you can dodge a few bullets thanks to your reaction time but its so easy for someone to sneak up on you so again it's useless. Your form, its for fist fighting. No one does that anymore, in the eye of danger a single bullet would have already been swiped clean through your head already," I smirk at his expression.

"Why are you lecturing me about all this?"

"You need me, I'm not just a girl who sees the world in bright coloured specks as you have stereotyped me," he scoffs degradingly and it takes me all of my will power to not knock his teeth out.

"Oh Masudy..." I take a look at my nails, something I'd do to degrade people, to show them that my attention wasn't even on their unimportant self.

"I took fighting and shooting classes since I was five, just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean Im not skilled. Not to sound too boastful but I absolutely want to boast, I'd say I'm as skilled as a soldier," I nearly laugh at his expression again and him noticing that, he quickly maintains a neutral expression which makes me want to laugh even more.

"I'm not putting a girl on my team, I'm not going to," he turns his back to me and starts walking away, I pick up a tiny rock and launch it at his head. His hand shoots out to grab the back of his head and he abruptly turns around to glare at me. I smirk at him.

"Sounds sexist to me."

"What are you trying to prove?"

"That you need me and that I am extremely skilled, I can prove it."

"You are depressed, we don't need people who cant think straight on our team. The 'they' who we are talking about can break you more then you think you are broken. It's not about your physical skills Emilia, you are weak," he ends that sentence by looking at my exposed thighs thanks to the flattering wind that slightly made my dress lift and then back up to my eyes. The message was out loud and clear and it took me all of my willpower not to break down. It'd just prove his point further. But his words were hurtful because they were true. I was weak, I was a weak mess who didn't even know myself anymore

"Your father may have trained you but it was only for your own protection. Whatever we are doing is not what he trained you for," I knew that, dad trained me because he didn't want me to be defenceless in the cruel world. He wanted me to be able to protect myself but if these skills were needed to save and protect more people then I know my old father would have wanted me to use them for this exact reason. I can't speak for the new man that has occupied my home though.

"I'm not weak," I grit my teeth and close my eyes trying to push the tears away. I had no other way of coping and this was the only way that helped, I wasn't weak... I was just surviving- in a way that... in a way that made me weak.

"I'm sorry Emilia but you aren't fit for this team," and with that he walks away from me and I finally let the tears flow out because he was right. His words weren't even marring but yet here I was feeling scarred from his truthful words. I was... weak.

I drop to my knees and in that moment I wish I had a knife in my hands to scar myself even more.

It made me feel more human and filled in the shallow emptiness in my chest. It filled it up with pain and made me forget of how weak and useless I was. It made me forget mom. The pain made me have no room for anything else but itself.

I growl at the ground, Masud was making me feel horrible about mourning for my mom! I had every entitlement to mourn for her and it did not make me weak. Every one mourned their own way and I was strong because I've held on for this long so to hell with Masud and his definition of weak. Did he expect me to be like dad? That was not strong, that was cowardliness and I was nothing like that so I will mourn the way I will, to hell with Masud and his useless team. They needed me, not the other way around.

I was going to find out what was happening one way or another. Even if it needed me to pin down that stupid 'Masudy' and his bad self defence forms.