Trigger Warning: Self Harm

"Emilia! We are having guests today, a higher general and his son who is a lieutenant, 18, thats nearly your age!" So much brightness slowly dimming from his eyes. How could I have not noticed this? He was dying inside, the electricity flickering away the bright energy he used to have. Look at him now, happy that he was somewhat going to make me feel less lonely. He cared for me, too deeply.

"Emilia...are you alright?" I look up at the ceiling as an effort to push away the tears and then back at him and nod, mastering a smile. He beamed at me and nodded.

"How was the walk?"

"Enlightening, I really did need that company my age," he uncomfortably shifts in his seat and shoots a sharp glance at Masud who was already attending to his duties.

"Did he tell you anything?" Fear in his eyes, fear I'd know the truth about whatever evil operation him and his bosses were doing. Fear that I'd resent him more than I already have.

"He wasn't talking at all, he was silent the whole way and walked a very safe distance from me," I smile and he nods, looking a little bit more calmer.

We can run away dad, we can live a happy life in a happier country where you'll have free will to do everything your heart desires. Why must you be here? Why must you go through all this?

He couldn't read my mind, he was reading his newspaper now as he sipped his tea the obnoxiously loud way he always used to. I sigh and walk up the staircases to my room.

Maybe that letter had the answer to all of this, to all this frustration and numbness I was feeling all at the same time. My feelings were overloading and I just wanted a release from them. I just wanted my mom here with me, her fingers doing the little massage they did on my head while she sang her weird song.

"Oh the folks from the mountain came down with a story..." I close my eyes and mumble the lyrics trying to catch the remnants of her, the peace that radiated from her presence that I needed direly. She knew the answers to everything.

"The story of love and the story of unity, and all the folks listened and the children clapped their hands..." I lay on my bed and put a hand on my cheek. I had to let her go, I had to let her go. This was bad for me, this was a bad coping mechanism for me. She needed to rest and I needed to move on.

"...such a story they bought, such joy that flourished but at the end of the day... it was just a story..."  this was bad but it felt so good. Did I ever decipher a life without my mom? Does any kid ever decipher such a life? She was my core and I never thought of a life without her and I feared there'd never be a life without her.

"So the folks found love and the folks found joy and the folks found unity all through a story," I was going to die this empty shell of a woman, this aimless being drifting in negative space. This shell that possesses so much hate and so much spite. There was no life after her and maybe I should just accept that, maybe I wasn't so great at coping and maybe thats okay. I was okay with being this monster. I was definitely okay with this. I wasn't forcing myself to believe this so as to push away the truth that was pounding at my doors: I needed to let her go.

The trees that were so similar to me a few days back weren't so similar to me now. They somewhat looked happy in this drained land, rustling away in the evening wind. They had friends that surrounded them for miles. But I didn't, I had no one, absolutely no one. But I had to let her go and something deep inside me told me reading that letter was the answer.

I wasn't ready so I just aimlessly started at the sketchbook on the floor and closed my heavy eyes again. Maybe a little sleep was all I needed to calm the surge of feelings within me.

.

"You are growing thin love," I look toward the peas on my plate that didn't seem very appetising. Her food was the only food that tasted heavenly. I was tired of this boiled trash that I was forced to eat everyday.

"Im also growing emptier and more emotionless everyday dad, thanks for noticing," Rose coughs and that was about it, my attention seeking strategies were spat on in the dust. We were in the middle of waiting for the General and the Lieutenant that were taking their sweet time and making me sit longer at this table I dreaded with the very last drop of blood in my body.

"Love you mus..."

"Just stop calling me that, Stop pretending. Im tired just let me be tired in peace...please," Rose coughs again and I had a sudden urge to stick my fork in her itchy throat.

"As you wish," somehow I knew that was the end of seeing any my dad. I asked for this, I asked to bury him and this man who replaced my dad was going to do exactly that.

"I suppose dinner is ready?" My head snaps towards the accented voice and a man who was stubby yet somewhat tall was standing at the door. From all the glittering badges on his uniform I knew immediately that this was the poor excuse of the general we were waiting for. I look over at Masud who was shooting lasers from his eyes to the ground, his jaw clenching and unclenching as if scared and angry all at the same time. Helpless. I look back to assess the general, his hair was non existent except for the few patches of white hair that grew on the sides of his head to prove that he indeed had hair and wasn't some bald old man because God forbid being a bald old man was the last thing anyone wanted. I didn't like his yellow teeth that were beaming at me all too brightly and that got undesirable responses from my squirming self and my glaring dad who seemed to forget that this man was undeniably higher than him and wasn't supposed to be directed with such hateful stares.

"And who is this?" Im about to reply but my dad beats me to it, "Emilia, my daughter," he emphasises on the last part, the message loud and clear.

"Ah such a pretty lady," and such an ugly man who clearly didn't know the existence of a toothbrush and who definitely lied to himself that his obnoxious smile will bring all the ladies. I wanted to slap it off of him.

"Where's Lieutenant Paul?"

"He is coming," his stare remained on me and for a minute I saw Masud's head slightly rise up to analyse this interaction between us from the corner of my eye. This man was definitely part of the operation that Masud and his blonde friend were trying to shut down.

My head turns away from the general who couldn't quite seem to gouge his eyes off of me to the footsteps of a younger man, clad in a lower ranked uniform but one that seemed higher than just a mere soldier. The Lieutenant. He had blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that fleeted across the room and lingered on Masud for a minute too long and I knew exactly who he was then. The mysterious Judas, or saviour if whatever they were trying to do was actually for the greater good. He was attractive, I slowly took him in from his sharp jawline to his lean body and back up to his biceps that weren't being so humbly hid in his tight uniform arms. My eyes meet his and he raises an eyebrow at my rude intrusion of his body. I don't tear my eyes away and neither does he, both trying to assert dominance.

He smirks and looks away from me letting me win. Our interaction was being seen all too well by both my dad and the general with no toothbrush and an eery silence passes by before my dad remembers his manners and invites them to the table. To my distaste the General decides to sit right next to me and not at the head of the table that was left empty solely for him. The Lieutenant and Masud exchange glances that were so nonchalant, you'd never know these two men were acquainted except of course you were me and read too deeply into everything.

"Thank you for inviting us General, it is an honour dining on the same table as you. My da- General Wilhelm and myself were very delighted to get the invitation," he was talking too much, way too much. My eyes don't move away from his face even as my dad gives his deepest fakest gratitude to Wilhelm-no-toothbrush. I could hear it in his voice that he disliked this man but he was such an impeccable actor that you'd have to know him well enough to hear the feign in his voice.

The young Lieutenants eyes meet mine but I don't break my stare.

"What?" He whispers from across me.

"Nothing," a small smile I don't return.

"Emilia you are rather very intrusive with your stare, its getting hard to ignore it," he knew my name, I quickly glance towards Masud who may have told him during that weird encounter of theirs.

"Then don't."

"Tell me why you are staring at me?" I jolt up when his cold toes meet mine from beneath the table and quickly sit down when our dads conversations halt and their attention turns to us. I smile at them, shooting my best smile to Wilhelm-no-toothbrush. To my distaste he smiles back, flashing all his yellow pearls at me.

"Sorry, I thought I saw a spider," my dad looks between me and the Lieutenant for a minute too long and slowly nods his head. He wasn't buying it. But he turns back to converse with Wilhelm-no-toothbrush.

"How the heck did you get your boots off so fast?" I whisper-yell towards Paul who was smiling behind a forkful of peas and pretending to not hear me.

I kick him, his smile grows wider which makes me more agitated so I kick him again until his face pulls into a grimace and I smile at myself triumphantly.

"I mastered taking off my boots fast to flirt with pretty ladies through the art of conversing with legs," My face scrunches up in disgust and I pull my legs further away from his 'conversing' ones. Was everyone from here this weird?

"You are disgusting."

"Genetics," he nods towards his dad and I choke on my peas at the unexpected answer. Was my disgust towards his dad that noticeable?

"Don't make me laugh at the dinner table," I try to sustain a serious face but the stupid smile plastered on his face was reflecting on mine as well.

"You look pretty when you smile Emilia, you should smile more."

I point my fork towards him, "you are flirt and its not working."

"Really? I thought I was doing a good job!" He really was because he was making it so hard for me to stop smiling at his stupid attempts.

I feel a stare drill the side of my body and I turn back around to catch Wilhelm-no-toothbrush smiling at me. Dad was conversing with Masud about some thing about dessert but I could feel Masud's attention on us. Even Paul was taking in his dads creepy interaction quite too peculiarly, his booted feet meet mine and I stare back towards him. He points his fork towards his dad discreetly and mouths, 'ugly troll.' I stifle a laughter that was threatening to choke me and it was taking me so much perseverance to hold it in that I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks. Paul looks at me with an amused look, his red eyes and puffed out face tells me that he too is trying to surpass a laugh because I contaminated him with the jittery laughter bug.

I had no idea what was so funny but I enjoyed this discreet laughter at the table that could absolutely kill us if we didn't get a hold of ourselves anytime soon. I was the first to do it, I was the failure that burst into fits of laughter while clutching my stomach and shaking my head vigorously. Paul shortly follows but quickly stops after a stern glare from Wilhelm. Me on the other hand? I wasn't even preached about proper manners a lady must have at the table, I heard dad chuckle ever so slightly and Wilhelm mumble something close to 'absolutely horrendous' but that didn't stop me until I finally stood up and excused myself from the dinner table.

I rushed into the toilet and stared at my red face, some remains of the laughter finally draining away as I stared at myself. I looked... I looked happy and radiant and for some reason I felt guilt sour through me at that realisation. I wasn't meant to be happy, not now at least, not after such a short period of time since the event. I was still in mourning and being happy meant I was forgetting her. I didn't want to do that... I wanted- I didn't know what I wanted but I hated that I felt good for the first time after her. That I was sharing some happy laughs with people that weren't her.

I could see her there, grimacing back at me but she had dads eyes and not her own and she was foul and not the gentle soul I loved. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I be happy without guilting myself? I deserved it didn't I? I deserved happiness right? But the lady on the other end shook her head and continued looking at me with disgust.

"Shut up, you deserve good things Emilia, don't listen to her. Mom would have loved to see a happy Emilia and not a hate driven Emilia, mom wants this..." but I don't and I had no idea why. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with me? I place my face into my palms and shake my head.

"Just go out there and be you," but who was I even? I was lost and scared and didn't know who I was anymore. For Gods sake I was mad that I was happy! What the actual heck was wrong with me? I didn't want to move on, I wanted to mourn her for the rest of my life if it meant never forgetting her gentleness, her caresses, her laughter, everything. I didn't want to forget anything and being unreasonably happy wasn't appropriate.

I step out of the toilet and walk back to the table, dad was smiling at his plate and Paul was smiling at me. He looked so vibrant and happy like he actually enjoyed interacting with me? Was that even possible. I throw him a small smile which for some reason deters his bigger one and he frowns at me.

"I must say Paul, I've not seen Emilia be this happy in such a while. Thank you," Paul smiles at me again but I don't return it. I don't deserve to be having idle nice chats with him that made me feel like everything was normal and that made me forget that she wasn't here, so I ignore him for the rest of the dinner and ignore his foot conversing strategies.

Paul said his many thanks to my dad after their private conversations together which me, Rose nor Masud were invited to. We sat at the couches together, Rose crocheting and Masud attending to the dishes until they stepped out and pardoned themselves. Wilhelm no longer looked at me with adoration in his eyes because of that outburst I had at the table but looked at me with a look that screamed he was utterly disgusted by my mere existence. He had certainly never seen such a weird and disrespectful lady his whole life. But neither me nor dad gave a single care. I wasn't raised to be a proper young lady, they raised me to love what I do and to do what I love. So his stare was simply nothing but trifling entertainment.

Paul on the other hand looked at me with a weirder and intenser expression that I couldn't quite decipher until he stopped in front of me and placed a kiss on the back of my palm.

"I have something to discuss with both of you," I frown at his briefness but just nod instead.

At least I got friends. But what was the point if I couldn't even allow myself to be happy around them?

That night for some reason I got my relief...or I could say escape from something else that wasn't my paint and canvases. It involved a knife and a few bruises on my thighs.

Maybe it was my relief because a part of me told me I deserved it for being happy.