Ohlookheresthatpartofthatstoryiwasmeanttopostaboutamonthagoimsorryplzdontkillme
No, but actually, I'M VERY SORRY THAT THIS IS LIKE, A MONTH LATE ;;;;;;;
I finally managed to crawl out the never ending pit of writer's block and just wrote this without checking for spelling errors last night so please don't be surprised if I've accidentally insulted your mother because of autocorrect.
Also, this book includes sensitive subjects still, so if you don't like them please don't read, I swear I'll eventually write some happiness and fluff to combat literally all of my incredibly depressing stories ;;
Thank you for being patient and for sticking with your slow AF Author-Chan.
Enjoy, and sorry for messing up Sweden's character too... I don't know what I'm doing.

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(F/N) arrived home and nice Berwald made sure she was safe, he left. (F/N) still felt drowsy and could sleep for a while longer; Berwald had told her to eat before she went to sleep tonight to make sure she didn't pass out in class again, but with the guilt (F/N) felt, she couldn't even bear to look at food. Her mother greeted her when she came in.

"(F/N)? You're late, did you stay behind after school?" She asked gently. (F/N) nodded, hoping her mother wouldn't comment on the dark circles under her eyes. "Would you like any food?"

"I'm not hungry tonight, sorry." Her mother's expression looked crestfallen, (F/N) only felt more guilty. "I'm to go to bed early." Before another word could be spoken, the (H/C) girl rushed up the stairs and into her bedroom. She knew her mother did care about her, but she was barely home and (F/N) sometimes just felt a little lonely when she had the whole house just to herself; it felt too empty.

She arrived in her room and let her bag drop off her shoulders and onto the floor with a soft thud. She did want to let her body fall down to her bed so she could sleep again, but she had work to do and she had to get a shower as well. At least she felt a little less tired from the nap she'd been able to take during school hours and far into the afternoon, but she couldn't let that happen again. She had to keep working.

She stripped down and climbed into the shower, enjoying as the hot water slid down her neck and back. It was refreshing after the long day she'd had but she knew she couldn't do what normal people would do and relax in their warm beds after, she had to go back to her desk.

There she went again, lying and deceiving; breaking her promises.

She hasn't done what Berwald had said. She hadn't eaten, she wasn't going to get a good night's rest like she should; she was going to do more work because it didn't matter how she felt. She shouldn't care how other people felt either. She clenched her fist against the shower wall. That's right, they all hate her anyway.

Why would she ever think for a second she could have her friends back, they hated her didn't they? They weren't being friendly and kind, they were just pitying what a rotten girl she'd become. Berwald didn't care, he was doing what was necessary. None of them cared; they both hated her. Then (F/N) noticed it again out of the corner of her eyes through the partings of her wet hair. 

A razor.

They hate her, so should she. She picked up the razor and held it with shaky hands above her wrist. They didn't care, she shouldn't either; they wouldn't really be scared at a cut or two to (F/N)'s delicate wrist. They weren't concerned about her today at school, it was expected of someone to help the collapsed (F/N), they just took up that position. (F/N) steadied her hands from the insistent shaking and edged the razor closer and closer and closer.

Finally, she felt a sting on her wrist and saw deep red blood running down her wrist and dripping onto the plain white floor below her. It hurt; she didn't like it but she quickly swiped the razor, creating a line. A red line that quickly bled and mixed with the water, spilling down onto the floor and mixing down into the plug hole. It hurt.

(F/N) dropped the razor and clenched her wrist with her other hand, fear written on her face. She didn't like it, it hurt. The water from the shower harshly best down on the bleeding line of red. (F/N) jumped out the shower, grabbing a towel, a cloth, anything that would stop the blood from seeping out slowly. Eventually, she managed to press down a white cloth to it. (F/N) took deep and shaky breaths and slid down the bathroom wall. The hot water from the shower was still running and steam had filled the room. Now that the panic in (F/N)'s chest had began to die down, she realised her cut wasn't as deep as she'd thought.

What was left behind on her wrist was a thin, but long, red line which occasionally gathered beads of blood along it. Yet still the pounding of (F/N)'s heart took a while to fade. She had been scared, very scared. She regretted even picking up the razor and she'd never feared for her life like that. Afraid she cut a vein in her wrist, she panicked and jumped out the shower to stop it, but hadn't noticed that all the red liquid was blood mixed with water, there probably wasn't that much to begin with.

But she'd done it, she succeeded in what she thought wasn't being cowardly. She felt no different. No achievement, no gain from it, except from a scar. The only thing she knew was she never wanted to do it again; she knew that much, she wanted to live. She had trouble picking up the broken pieces of her mind as she waited for the bleeding to stop and dried herself off with a towel.

Eventually and with shaky hands, she dressed into her pyjamas and sat down on her bed. Her wrist was wrapped in a bandage and for once (F/N) didn't want to sit at her desk for the night and bury herself in her homework. She flopped down onto her bed and hugged a pillow to her chest, taking the night to think.

Why had everything gone so wrong..? She just wanted things to go back to how they were when she and her two friends could enjoy happy days together without worrying about insecurities and self-hatred. That was when (F/N) was happy, when she didn't think herself a terrible friend, when she didn't push people away and even when she was slightly better at socialising. She'd never been good at it, never having a partner in the split sports classes, but at least she had her other classes with Berwald and Tino to look forward to and that spurred her though the lonely class.

That was when she looked at things positively.

Now all she could do was think negatively with much more pessimism than she ever thought she had. She lied and now she was beginning to crumble under the weight that had come along with the return of her two friends. Why couldn't she have stayed with them from the start? Then she wouldn't have lived ten years in sadness alone by herself and she wouldn't be so cold now. She wouldn't be a liar, she wouldn't be a bad friend. She could be happy.

Before (F/N)'s knew it she was crying. Tears were sliding down her cheek one after another and she buried her head into her pillow to stop any sobs from reaching her parents downstairs. She wasn't okay. She just wanted to be happy.

She just wanted to be happy again.

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(F/N) woke up the next morning with puffy, red eyes and dried tear stains down her face. She quickly showered, trying to ignore the scabby cut on her wrist, and then dressed and set off for school. Her expression felt different than usual, instead of the cold, emotionless (F/N), she was now uneasy and just looked sad. Like she could start crying at any moment with any trigger. She received the same concerned looks from her two friends again but tried to avoid eye contact, especially avoiding Berwald's gaze.

Throughout the whole day, she kept her head down low and avoided the classroom when they had free time by bolting out before either of her friends had a chance to talk to her. She'd sat outside for one part of lunch, watching the same nest of birds that lay outside the classroom window near where she sat.

She could hear the baby bird tweeting but as much as she squinted, (F/N) couldn't see the mother bird or the father bird. The small chick had been left on its own and (F/N) pitied it as it helplessly called out for help. The bell rang out soon after and (F/N) hesitatingly made her way back to her class. It was the last period of the day and it went by faster than (F/N) would've liked. She heard the familiar ring of the bell going off again and she quickly tried to pack her things away so she could run out the classroom without being asked to walk home with Tino or Berwald.

She'd managed to get to the entrance gate to the school before she heard a voice behind her and she froze up.

"(F/N)," It was Berwald. "I need to talk to you," he simply said but (F/N) refused to turn around to meet his eyes, she knew I'd she did she'd end up feeling more depressed. She was a bad friend, she was a liar, the words kept repeating in her head. Each footstep towards her told her she had to start running. She took the first step to try to escape but a hand had already grabbed her wrist tight enough for her to not escape. It wasn't rough, it didn't hurt—except for the pressure over her bandaged cut—it felt protective almost. She knew Berwald just wanted to help, but he couldn't. (F/N) was a lost cause, he wouldn't waste his time helping lost causes.

"How did you hurt your wrist?" He asked, (F/N) heard his voice wobble slightly but still she tried to swallow the lump in her throat and force out an answer.

"I-I fell, and cut it.." She stuttered and even she knew it didn't sound believable in the slightest.

"You're lying," (F/N) was instantly proved right as Berwald spoke again. (F/N) felt herself shaking slightly and she tried to clench her hand into a fist. By this point, everyone had flooded out of the school and no one was present except for the two of them. "Please just tell me why you're sad (F/N)," Berwald said with a hint of desperation in his voice. (F/N)'s eyes filled with tears and she felt all her emotions overwhelm her at once; she couldn't take this anymore. Catching her childhood friend by surprise, she yanked her arm out of his grasp and turned around to face.

"Because I'm not okay, alright!?" She could feel the tears that had built up in her eyes topple over her eyelid like a waterfall and she found herself crying quickly as she let out a yell that echoed through the empty school. "I did it myself because I deserve it!"

"(F-" she didn't even give him a chance to respond as she spilt her feelings all out.

"I lied, okay?! I don't have any friends here, no one sits next to me in class!" The lies about her so called 'friend' poured out her mouth like the tears streaked down her soft cheeks. "I've had no one to talk to since I left you and Tino, I've just been lonely! And now that you've both come back I don't know how to feel or what to do!" She ruggedly took a deep breath and looked Berwald straight in the eyes. "I've lied, I'm just a bad friend and a coward!"

Finally she felt something snap in her and even more tears flowed down her face. That's right, she wasn't sad because she believed she was a bad friend and that she was hated, she was just lonely. She just wanted her friend back and it slowly ate away at her and developed into more than that. She let out sobs and felt her weak legs give way and she fell to her knees, quickly caught in warm, strong arms. They held her close and she cried and sniffled, tears still running down her face with no end in sight.

"(F/N)..." She heard Berwald muttered and he hugged her closer and tighter. After a short while he pulled away and (F/N) could see his blue eyes through her tears. He looked sad, yet disappointed. Was it of (F/N)? That was what she thought but really he was disappointed in himself. (F/N) though she was a bad friend and it mirrored onto him. If he knew his friend was suffering this much deep down he would've done something sooner, but he just sat back and watched as it happened and unfolded. He was too quick to judge (F/N) properly. He should've taken those times he saw her alone in sports class more seriously. She wasn't good at making friends, she was lonely and he had no clue. He thought when they moved, although he would miss her and he hoped to see her again one day, she'd go to another school and make many friends.

But he was wrong, because as she said with a wobbly voice and tears in her eyes that just broke Berwald's heart, she was not okay.

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This was going to be longer but I had to cut it off since I at least wanted to post something tonight ;;
Also onto the subject of cutting, please don't consider doing it yourself and if you do please get help. That's as far as I'm going to take it in the story since I don't really want to go that deep into it..
I have some idea of what's happening next in my stories, but I need to develop it more so I'll try to get some writing done tonight! :D
Again, I'm sorry for typos, autocorrect hates me, I'll get it read over soon and if you could point any out, it'd be helpful too! Thanks!
See you in another three years
JK, in couple of days hopefully ; )